HUMOR LOG #60 ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 00:24:34 EST From: Nic van der Vyver Subject: SEX/AIDS (adult themes!) Donald decided that it was time he also enjoyed the excitement of a dirty week-end and duly invited Daisy out with him. They drive into the wild and booked into the grand Potshot hotel. Typically this week-end also started with wining and dining in the hotel's grand dining room. During dinner Daisy, a sensible girl, and not altogether naive and knowing well what's coming, whispered to Donald reminding him of the horrible dread diseases going around in modern times, and did he remember to bring a condom. He didn't, but nothing was going to mar THIS week-end, so Donald called the waiter over and ordered one. The waiter duly obliged and brought the condom to Donald on a tray asking, "Here we are sir. Shall I put it on your bill?" Without a moment's doubt Donald replied, "Heavens no! I'm not THAT kind of a duck!" ---- Ever thought of how a very short lad could have problems doing IT if he happens to have a very tall, statuette-like wife? You know, like when they are nose to nose, his toes are in it, and when they are toes to toes, his nose is in it! ========================================================================= Date: Sun, 6 Feb 1994 22:50:17 -0600 From: Timothy R Watts Subject: S Trek top-ten Hello all HUMOR readers! This is my first post, so I hope you enjoy it. As far as I know this is NOT from Dave Letterman's show. -------------Top Ten Things that Never Happen on Star Trek----------------- 10 The Enterprise runs into a energy field of a type it has encountered several times before. 9 The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright. 8 Some of the crew visits the holodeck and it works properly. 7 The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life-form wearing a funny hat. 6 The crew of the Enterprise is afflicted by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked enterpise sick bay. 5 The captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive. 4 An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find it has forgotten to bring the right leads. 3 A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly trained and competent engineering staff. 2 A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. 1 The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected to the late 20th century. ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 08:18:14 -0500 From: Laurie Firth Subject: Michael Jackson joke Q. Have you heard about the new Michael Jackson doll? A. It plays with your kids. ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 09:07:00 EST From: FLEMING * JOHN NEIL Subject: Tonya Harding sticks to the team. Official news just in; Tonya Harding *will* be on the US Olympic team in Lillehammer.... The Us Olympic *Hockey* team. Meanwhile, how come she got caught up is such an dumb plot in the first place? Well, she is a blonde, what did you expect? Jeff Gilooly has changed his story to the police now. He was going to amputate the leg, not hit it, but he'd lent Lorena had the good knife. ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 15:08:00 IST From: "A. SOLOMON EAGLSTEIN" Subject: word origins No no no. You've got it all wrong. F.U.C.K. first appeared in the Massechusettes (sp?) common law of the early 1700's. The acronym refers to felonious and unlawful carnal knowledge. ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 09:20:42 -0500 From: SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET Subject: From the Daily Collegian State College, PA -- William Walker of 636 East College Avenue was cited for public drunkenness and criminal trespassing Saturday night after allegedly wandering into a house on Prospect Avenue, police said. Walker was also cited for defiant trespassing Saturday night when he allegedly wandered into Delta Tau Delta fraternity, police said. Members of the fraternity asked him if he knew anyone at the fraternity. Walker replied that he knew Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding, police said. ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 14:24:00 GMT From: Adam BJ Quantrill Subject: Twofer? I just noticed a special offer sign in the Freezer shop next door: "Go to France on any appliance" I was tempted to ask if they also provided a paddle, or whether the technique is to throw the Freezer into the Channel, plug it in, and skate across. Incidentally sleepy Ipswich does offer a real 'Twofer' called 'This and That'. Downstairs is an antique shop with 'brass' in the front window, and upstairs a 'masseuse'. One suspects their motto is 'This and That.... and the Other'! - Adam ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 08:11:00 PST From: Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber Subject: ecclesiastics! (poss offensive to religious) What's black, white, red, and has problems going through revolving doors? A nun with a spear through her head. ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 11:54:00 EST From: "Wall, David K." Subject: Computers and Women (some sexism and vulgarity) Since the "manspeak" post, I don't feel as bashful about posting this. It contains some stereotypes, but on the whole I think it's not NEARLY as "hostile" as the manspeak article. A comparison of computers and women Computer Woman ------------------------------------------------------------------------ doesn't talk (much)(yet) talks constantly does what you tell it often asks "why" or says "no" does EXACTLY what you tell it often intelligent metallic taste or no taste yummy pussy hard metal case soft skin disk drives stay the same size vagina stretches over time standardized parts each wants something different comes with manuals how the hell does this thing work? multi-function mouse multi-function mouth doesn't care if you shower insists on cleanliness many GIF files insists on monogamy batch files automate activities likes variety sits there naked spends money on clothes (but looks better naked) looks impressive on desk looks impressive on arm (or face :-) can turn it off demands attention buying computer magazines helps buying girly magazines makes it you work with it difficult to work with usually grey or cream-colored choice of several colors keyboard commands pressing clitoris makes it quiver expensive expensive upkeep minimal upkeep a major part of budget one mouse one breast for each hand parallel or serial ports in back usually dislikes anal sex no reproductive capacity gets pregnant at awkward times can help you with budget destroys budget loads of software available two soft breasts; hours of entertainment! Pepsi Syndrome makes keyboard wet spot makes woman difficult difficult to use one switch turns it on demands foreplay can play games with it will play games with you operating system insures rules change without warning consistent behavior networking allows communication if you do something stupid, all the other women know it immediately ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 10:47:20 MST From: Phil Corless Subject: Tonya Harding (PG) Q: What do Tonya Harding and Bob Packwood have in common? A: They're both skating on thin ice, and they like to hit on women. ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 10:53:49 -0400 Sender: UGA Humor List From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now." Subject: A clergyman at the Pearly Gates..... A Builder, a clergyman and a politician sttod outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for admission. "I'm sorry, gentlement," Saint Peter said, "but the gates are broken." The builder took a look at the gate, then offered to repair them for ten dollars. "Why ten dollars?" Saint Peter asked. "Five dollars for my labor, five dollars for the material," the builder explained. "What about you" Saint Peter asked the Clergyman. "Can you fix them?" "Yes, for thirty dollars. Ten for the orphans' fund, ten for the church's building fund, and ten for the poor box." "And you, can you fix them?" Saint Peter asked the politician. "Of course," the politician replied. "But I'll need $110." "A hundred ten dollars?" "Well, fifty's for me, fifty's for you, and for ten bucks, I can get the builder to fix them." ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 14:14:18 -0500 From: Lee Bradley Subject: The F word - No Folk Etym!!! Obligatory humor at the end. Having seen all the incorrect versions of the etymology of f*ck and having (blush!!) corrected one person with the wrong information, I HAVE BEEN TO THE LIBRARY!!! (When all else fails, read the instructions.) From vol VI (Follow-Haswed), pp. 237-238, of the 2d edition of The Oxford English Dictionary, one finds: fuck [Early Mod E "fuck, fuk" ... not found. Synonymous German "ficken" cannot be shown to be related.] {Pardon me; I thought it WAS related to "ficken."} After definitions, the dictionary gives references to the use of the word: about 1503, in Dumbar, "Poems," lxxv, 13. and lots of others. Obligatory humor: Announcement in a literary journal: FOR SALE. Encyclopaedia, 15 volumes. Absolutely new. Never been opened. My wife knows everything. The Baptist preacher in Hahira sees the town drunk zigzagging as he walks down the street. The preacher comes up behind him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Drunk again!!" The drunk responds, "Me, too, preacher!" ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 11:31:47 -0800 From: "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" Subject: nun humor One hundred nuns are sitting in church listening to the mother's sermon. The mother stands at the pulpit, glares at her flock and says in a stern voice, "Sisters, I have some very serious news. Last night, I found a MAN in the convent!" 99 nuns gasp, and one giggles, "hee hee hee". "What makes it worse", says the mother, "is that he was found naked!" 99 nuns gasp and one giggles,"hee hee hee." "Furthermore, this man was found carrying a pair of panties from one of our sisters,"said the mother. 99 nuns gasp, one giggles, "hee hee hee." "When I searched the church, I found a condom in one of the confessionals", said the mother in her sternest voice. 99 nuns gasp, one giggles, "hee hee hee" "And this condom," the mother's voice rising to a fevered pitch, "this condom had a HOLE in it!!" 99 nuns giggled "hee hee hee", and one nun gasped. The only religious joke I know ciao fer now mike * remember, if your not in bed by 10:30....go home **What I want are clearly defined boundaries of doubt and uncertainty** ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 15:09:19 EST From: Bryan Pack Subject: can you believe it? a CLEAN joke! a VERY intoxicated guy stumbles into a bar. He strides up to the bartender and says, "Bartender! I want to buy a round of drinks for EVERYONE in this place... start pouring! And be SURE to pour one for yourself!" So, the bartender, very happy to see such generosity, pours everyone in the bar a drink, including one for himself. He gulps it down and says, "Okay, buddy, that'll be forty-five bucks." The drunk looks out him, snickers, shrugs his shoulders and says, "I don't have any money! *hee-hee*" "WHAT!!!!" The bartender grabs the guy's collar, slaps him around pretty fiercely, and literally tosses him out through the door. The next night, the same deadbeat comes in the door, drunk as ever, and announces, "I am going to buy a drink for EVERYONE in this bar! Barkeep, start pouring! And be sure to pour one for yourself!" The bartender pauses, but then thinks, "This guy CAN'T be stupid enough to try to get away with this twice in a row." So, once again, he pours everyone a drink on the drunk guy's tab, and he makes sure that he has poured himself a drink. The bartender gulps his drink down and says, "Okay, buddy, that's gonna be forty-eight dollars." The drunk looks up, giggling, and says, "I don't have any money!" The bartender is steamed! He yanks the drunk off his feet, beats on him a while, drags him outside, and pitches him into the dumpster. The third night, the SAME DRUNK stumbles into the bar. "Oh, mercy... I don't BELIEVE this guy..." thinks the bartender. "Bartender!" pipes up the drunk, "I want to buy every customer in this place a drink! Start pouring!" "Oh," teases the bartender, "so you're not gonna buy ME a drink tonight?" "No," answers the drunk. "You get violent when you drink!" ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 12:50:14 PDT From: Cindy Parker Subject: Everyday annoyances------pretty dang clean Text item: Text_1 Hello everybody. This is my first post to HUMOR, so I hope you enjoy it. A couple weeks ago, I purchased a tremendously funny book titled "1401 Things That P*ss Me Off". I spent about an hour reading it, but found myself just rolling because some of the stuff was so true and so, well... funny. Anyway, I thought some of you might enjoy getting a laugh or two from this partial list below. For a more extended list, please write a short note to me at my personal e-mail address (NOT the HUMOR one), which you'll find at the bottom of this entry. Thanks, and keep the humor coming... TAKEN FROM "1401 THINGS THAT P*SS ME OFF" - "put stamp here" instructions on envelopes - when you can see a ventriloquist's lips moving - co-workers who jam the copier. then flee the scene of the crime - fans who do "the wave" too many times - running to answer a phone that's ringing on TV - having to make idle conversation with your haircutter - when you rent a movie and it's on TV that night - very fast roaches - those useless "hints" in math word problems - when someone calls you on speakerphone - overcast skies during a total eclipse - ethnic restaurants where you never see any ethnics dining - searching for intelligent life in space when Earth could use some - gas stations that don't have signs telling you whether to "Pump First" or "Pay First" - being a female who happens to be in a bad mood and having someone assume it's "that time of the month" again - children who don't cry when Bambi's mother dies - packaged ketchup that covers only about two of your french fries - walking into a glass door - the comment "we need to talk" - tests of the Emergency Broadcast System - recorded phone solicitations - the same commercial twice in a row - when the fun park ride starts up, the person who always says, "Heeeeeeeeere weeee go!" - when "Cajun-blackened" means "burned" - going to 31 Flavors, ordering vanilla ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 14:47:39 -0600 From: Tom McCown Subject: Re-telling of a previous joke (possibly offensive) I heard a slightly different (and better IMHO) version of the joke about the urine samples... A man was having a problem with tennis elbow. The pain became so bad that he finally went to the doctor. While he waited in the examining room, a nurse entered and requested a urine sample. "Why?! My problem is my elbow!" But the nurse insisted, and the man finally complied. Moments later the doctor entered and said "Well, the results of the urinalysis show that you have tennis elbow...I can prescribe some ointment and a pain killer..." "WHAT?!", the man interrupted, "How could you tell that from just a urine sample?" The doctor replied "I've just purchased this incredible new machine that can diagnose ANY ailment of the human body from just a urine specimen! It cost a fortune, but now we can get results almost instantly, and no other test is needed. Now, come back in 2 weeks, give us another urine sample, and we'll see if your elbow is healed." Of course, the man was skeptical, and upon going home he told his wife, who also figured it was a scam of some kind. So they decided to try and trick this "machine". 2 weeks later, on the day he is supposed to return to the doctor, the man pees in a jar, then gets his wife and teenage daughter to pee in it. He puts in some oil from his car, and then, for good measure, he jerks off into it. Mixing it all up, he puts a lid on the jar and hides it in his coat while he enters the doctor's office. When he is asked for a urine sample, he goes into the bathroom and instead pours this melange into the cup. The nurse takes it and leaves. A full fifteen minutes later, the doctor comes in and says, "All right, smartass. Your wife is pregnant, your daughter has syphilis, your car's on the verge of throwing a rod and if you don't quit jerking off that elbow will NEVER heal!" -TOM- ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 16:16:58 EST From: Jon Back Subject: (U) What goes: CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP BANG CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP CLOP AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING! ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 17:37:20 EST From: Bryan Pack Subject: saloon joke [PG-13] another bar joke... this time, good and raunchy Out west, many years ago, a prospector passes through a small, small town at the foot of a mountain range. He stops for a while to load up on supplies before he heads up the mountain to seek his fortune. He loads up his mule with his purchases from the general store and heads into the town's lone saloon. "Bartender," he says, "gimme a shot of whisky." He takes his whisky, gulps it down, and leans over to the bartender. In a quiet, discreet voice, he asks, "Say, barkeep... I'm gonna be up that mountain for quite a while all by myself. Before I go, is there any place in town where I could find a... uh... woman? For a little, quick compaionship?" "Sorry, friend," answers the bartender, "This is a mighty small town. We don't have any women. But, we do have Old Joe in the back." He points through a door behind the bar to an old man slumped in a chair. The prospector is stunned and disgusted. "OLD JOE!" he gasps. "I don't go for that shit!!!" He turns and storms out of the saloon, gets on his mule, and heads up the mountain. Now, it's about three months later. The prospector needs more supplies, and he's getting horny. So he returns to town, loads up on stuff, and goes back into the saloon. He orders his whiskey, drinks it, and says, "Say, bartender, have situations changed?... any women in town that a fellow could spend the afternoon with?" "Sorry, friend, still no women." answers the bartender. "But we still got Old Joe in the back..." "OLD JOE! I done TOLD you I don't go for that shit!" And back up the mountain he goes. Six more months have passed. The prospector is once again low on supplies. And he's REALLY horny by now. He heads down the mountain, loads up at the general store, and sheepishly goes into the bar.... "Bartender, whiskey please." He drinks it down. "I don't suppose... you know..." "Nope. Sorry, pal. But we still have Old Joe in the back." "I don't go for that shit," the prospector mumbles. "Give me another drink." He drinks it down, thinking. "Say, bartender... If I were to go in the back with Old Joe, who all would know?" "Well," answers the bartender, "you, me, Old Joe, of course... and the two other guys." "Two other guys? What two other guys?" "The two other guys to hold Old Joe down-- he don't go for that shit, either!" ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 14:59:17 -0800 From: Gordon Ho Subject: Political : Clean, semi-offensive to Clinton fans Former Vice President Dan Quayle told this joke to my colleague on Saturday, Feb. 5, 1994 while waiting to tee off on the 14th hole at the AT & T Pebble Beach National Pro-am golf tournament in Monterey, CA. The day before his inauguration, President Bill Clinton went to the Washington Monument and asked the ghost of George Washington and asked him, "What do I Have to do to be famous"? The ghost of Washington replied "Don't tell a lie" Then Bill Clinton went to Grant's Tomb and asked the ghost of Ulysees S. Grant ""What do I Have to do to be famous"? The ghost of Grant replied " Have a strong military"!!! Then Bill Clinton went to the Lincoln Memorial and asked the ghost of Abraham Lincoln "What do I Have to do to be famous"? The ghost of Lincoln replied "GO TO THE THEATER" Gordon Ho gho@ UUNET.UU.NET ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 09:17:00 GMT+0800 From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" Subject: Sensitive to religion, bad language and taste Sorry but the first joke might be 'nun' to funny to those of a religious frame of mind. The second joke gives Genesis a hard time and contains language that may cause offence. A bunch of nuns had been out doing good things all day and on returning to the convent decided that a good bath was called for. Being confirmed environmentalists the nuns bathed in a large bath communially to save water, etc. They all dived into the water and girls being girls there was a lot of splashing, laughter and general innocent fun. However, one nun, Mary, sat alone in a corner with only her head showing and with a smile of ectasy on her face. After a while one of the nuns decides that its time to get properly clean in readiness for prayers. She searches in vain along the edges of the bath for the soap. She then starts a search in the bath around her but still cannot find the soap. She then calls out "Where's the soap?" Mary still in private ectasy forgets herself, raises her hand out of the water clutching the soap, and moans "Yes it does, doesn't it?" No hints. Work it out for yourself. ------------ On the subject of the origin of the word 'fuck' as a long time computer user I'm a confirmed believer of never reading the manual/dictionary. I had always assumed that the word came from the origins of time: And God made Adam and saw that this was good. And God put Adam into the Garden of Eden and Adam saw that this was good. Adam said to God that he was lonely as all the animals on the land and all the fishes in the sea were lousy conversationalists. And God made woman and called here Eve. And God put Eve in the Garden of Eden with Adam and thought that they made a nice middle class couple. And lo whilst God had his back turned to create the Klingons the devil, disguised as a snake, whispered into Eve's ear that he knew of a place where apples were going for half-price! And Adam and Eve ate of the apples and realised that conversation and surfing on the internet had their limits as fun devices and they fell to the ground behind a bush to fornicate. And God turned back towards Eden to ask Adam's advice on the colour of Martians and he saw Adam and Eve behind the bush. And God said "What the fuck are they doing?" This predates any dictionary. ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 21:05:10 -0500 From: Mike Ogilvie Subject: HILARIOUS story! Three couples died in a bus wreck and went up to St. Peter to await their assignment for life-eternal. When it was their turn, St. Peter explained to them that things were getting pretty tight up in heaven, so they have had to make stricter requirements for spirits to pass through the pearly gates. To Couple #1: "I'm sorry, Mr. Warren, but I won't be able to allow you inside. All you've ever cared about in life is money. You even married a girl named Penny." Couple #1 turns away dejectedly. To Couple #2: "I hate to do this, but you as well will not be allowed to pass the gates. All you've ever cared about in your life is food. You even married a girl named Candy!" The second couple leaves. The third man turns to his wife and says, "Well, we might as well leave, Fanny." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three couples decided to get together after not seeing each other for years and years. They used to be the best of friends and loved nothing more than outdoing the others in anything and everything. They met for dinner one night at a fancy restaurant. The first couple was rather refined and had been schooled in the proper way all their lives. The second couple was good and decent but were not the cream of the crop like the first couple. And the last couple were crude and rude and could care less about social graces (I tend to think of this as Roseanne and her husband from the show). Anyway, during the course of dinner, the first husband turned to his wife and asked "Could you please pass the sugar, Sugar?" Not wanting to be outdone, sometime later in the night, the second husband politely asked his wife, "Won't you pass me the honey, Honey?" Now after plenty of not-so-subtle cues from his wife, the third husband turned to her and said "Pass the pork, Pig!" ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 20:27:43 CST From: Jim RASMUSSEN Subject: Offensive to Bears and Women This must be spoken, so memorize it, and try it after you've had a few too many beers. The setting: Baraboo, Wisconsin (home of the Circus World Museum) The story: This big black bear busts out of Barnam & Bailey's Bigtop and bounces on into a Bar in Baraboo. The bear bellies up to the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a bottle of beer." The bartender says, 'Sorry Sir, the City says "It's illegal to serve beer to bears in Bars in Baraboo."' Well, this bear's big and bad, and now he's mad! So, the bear bellows, "Bartender, I don't care what the silly City says, if you don't give me a bottle of beer, I'm going to eat every customer here." And, the bartender says, 'Sorry Sir, the City says "It's illegal to serve beer to bears in Bars in Baraboo," and that means you!' Well, the bear goes berserk, bolts to the end of the Bar, devours this large intoxicated lady, belches loudly, and barks "Bartender, if you don't give me a bottle of brew, the next person I eat is going to be you!" Well, the bartender looks the bear right in eyes, and calmly replies, 'Sorry Sir, the City says "It's illegal to serve beer to bears in Bars in Baraboo," and besides bear, I am quite safe and my customers too. In fact bear, soon you will become very sleepy, you will doze off, and I will call the boy's in blue, to take you to the zoo." "Oh really", says the bear with a yawn, "And why is that?" "Because bear, that was no drunk lady you swallowed, that was a big Bar bitch you ate!" (b a r b i t u a t e) ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 21:34:47 -0500 From: Katy Sweeny Subject: retraction What do you called a guy in his alte forties, early fifties who keeps buying lots of luxurious American cars? A man with a mid-life Chrysler. ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 22:05:45 EST From: Sim Webster Subject: Humor: Things not to say or do at your thesis defense (part 1 of 6) 148 THINGS (NOT) TO DO OR SAY AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE Written by Master Peter Dutton contributions by Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen, Patricia Whitson and a few others. 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..." 2) Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee. 3) "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question. 4) Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance. 5) "Musical accompaniment provided by..." 6) Stage your own death/suicide. 7) Lead the specators in a Wave. 8) Have a sing-a-long. 9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?" 10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..." 11) Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in. 12) Puppet show. 13) Group prayer. 14) Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld. 15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc. 16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!" 17) Imitate Groucho Marx. 18) Mime. 19) Hold a Tupperware party. 20) Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads. 21) "Everybody rhumba!!" 22) "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..." 23) Charge a cover and check for ID. 24) "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities..." 25) "Anybody else as drunk as I am?" ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 23:06:34 EST From: John Beck Subject: nun joke/slightly offensive Thse two nuns were talking in the convent. One nun whispered to the other, "Did you hear that there is a case of syphilis going around?" The other nun replied, "Oh, good! I was getting a little tired of the Chablis!" ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 23:53:04 EST From: Bryan Pack Subject: a crude bear joke a bear and a rabbit find themselves side by side in the woods, taking a dump. the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "say, do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" the rabbit says, "why, no, i don't." so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his tail with him. (i'm not proud...) ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 00:44:33 -0500 From: Christine Schoedel Subject: offensive to men Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds? A: Government bonds mature. ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 02:07:59 EST From: Bill Subject: some engagement humor Father to daughter's suitor: So you want to marry Betty Sue, huh? You should know, I've had a hard time keeping that girl in clothes. Suitor: Yeah, I know what you mean. So have I. :-) Daddy, Charlie asked me to marry him, but I told him I couldn't leave Mama. That's okay, honey. Take her with you. ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 05:58:52 -0700 From: Robyn Brillman Subject: Actor jokes I was wondering if anyone out there has jokes about actors, or theatres. If you do please respond to me privately at aurfb@asuacad.bitnet or aurfb@asuvm.inre.asu.edu Thanks! Robyn Brillman ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 13:41:00 GMT From: "Matt Diss (matd)" Subject: Monks & Michael Jackson Hi all, A first posting - hope it's correct!!! This joke is probably VERY old but I'd never heard it - A man decides to become a monk, and takes a vow which only allows him to say 2 words every 5 years. After 5 years of silence in the monastery it comes the time when the monk is allowed to say his 2 words. "Have you anything to say?" asks the priest. "Hard Bed" says the monk. The preist replies "I'm sorry to hear that, we'll try and do something about it." 5 long years pass...... "Have you anything to say?" asks the priest. "Bad Food." answers the monk. "We'll try and do something about that." says the preist. Another 5 years....... "Have you anything to say" asks the priest. "I'M LEAVING" says the monk. The priest replies "Thank god for that, you've done nothing but complain since you got here!" What have Michael Jackson and a bottle of whisky got in common? They both come in tiny tots. Keep up the jokes. matd@sequent.com ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 14:17:22 -0500 From: "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA" Subject: Clean joke (yes, I do know one clean joke) Lenny has fallen in love with a young lady and wants to start courting. Before the couple can spend any time together, however, her parents insist on meeting the young man to see if he is worthy of their daughter. Lenny therefore recruits his best friend, Sol, to accompany him to the interview, where he hopes that his friend's natural outspoken nature will help to boost Lenny's chances. The interview starts off well, with the parents asking whether Lenny can drive. "Yes. I passed my test a few years ago, and was able to buy an old car for myself." "Old car!" exclaims Sol. "He drives an antique Rolls Royce that's the envy of the neighbourhood!" The parents nod sagely and ask Lenny where he lives. "I live quite near here," he replies. "I have a nice home next to my parents." "Nice home!" laughs Sol. "He's so modest - he owns a beautiful five-bedroom mansion in Greenwich village!" Next the parents want to know where Lenny works, and about his prospects. "I have a steady job at a lawfirm," he replies, "and have become good friends with the partners". Again Sol jumps in. "He's a principal attourney, and due to become partner in a few months!" At this point Lenny coughs a little to clear his throat and the parents ask whether he is well. "I just have a slight cold" he answers. "Cold? It's tuberculosis!" Jeff F. All these 'unsubscribers' bring to mind a gang of novice cyclists venturing out onto the info superhighway. At least its only their prestige that gets flattened by the trucks. Less messy that way. ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 09:07:00 EST From: Frank Patnaude Subject: Buffalo Bills Do you know why the Buffalo Bills are served cereal on a plate? They are afraid if they put them in a bowl, they might all choke! ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 10:30:40 EST From: Jon Back Subject: OFFENSIVE TO NATIVE ALABAMANs (but, then again, it could be Arkansas, or Texas, or YOUR state) YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NATIVE OF ALABAMA IF...... 1. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take the wheels off. 2. You've ever used lard in bed. 3. You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre. 4. You think a six pack of beer and a bug zapper are quality entertainment. 5. Less than half the cars you own run. 6. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to "kiss her ass." 7. The primary color of your car is "BOND-O." 8. Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road." 9. You honest-to-God think that women are turned on by animal noises and tongue gestures. 10. Your family tree doesn't fork. 11. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. 12. You've ever hollered "rock the house, Bubba" during a piano recital. 13. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. 14. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. 15. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. 16. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. 17. The diplomas hanging in your den include "The Trucking Institute." 18. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. 19. You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. 20. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. 21. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. 22. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the grease rack. 23. You've ever been too drunk to fish. 24. You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. 25. You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken. 26. You use a rag for a gas cap. 27. Your lifetime goal is to be an AMWAY distributor. 28. Your front porch falls and kills more than three dogs. 29. You've ever won a spitting contest. 30. You answer more than half the questions asked you with "Do What?" 31. You've actually created new meaning for the term "Stump Broke." 32. Your wife has better tatoos than you do. 33. Arriving home from vacation, you suffer from tractor lag. Remember, if you understood more than half of these, you just might be a Red Neck yourself! ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 16:37:32 MET From: Miroslav Otrisal Subject: Searching mail-friend (dirty word in objoke) 1. Those two guys were walking and the middle one fell down in a sewer. 2. My sister has this inscription in her bedrom "Why to love only men, when there are many other animals in the world" and I will soon bite her in the ass, if she will be every morning in the bathroom so long! ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 10:29:03 CST From: Chris DOERFLER Subject: (1) newlyweds (2) Pope (Nothing offencive) A couple of newlyweds spent their first few months living together in bliss, as one might expect, doing the kinds of things newlyweds do. There was just one small problem. The new wife had a bad habit of saying "Just a sec" every time her husband made any request of her." "Let's go to the movies, hon." "Just a sec." "Could you help me clean the house?" "Just a sec." And so on. Now this annoying little habit caused the new husband untold irritation, and eventually he cracked. One day, she said "Just a sec" and instead of biting his tongue he screamed at her. "NO! NO! NO MORE SECS! NO MORE SECS!" After a slight pause, he realized what he had said, and quickly added: "Well, maybe just a little more..." __________________________________________________________________________ The Pope was being driven around in the back of a limo the last time he visited America when suddenly he felt the urge to drive a car, something he had never done. The driver was reluctant, the Pope having no license and all, but he was the Pope, after all. So Pope and driver switch places, and the Pope proceeds to weave, start and stop erratically, and generally create a considerable hazard, which leads to his being pulled over. The Policeman says, "Get out of the car and show me your license." The Pope explains that he has no license, but that he is the Pope, and wouldn't it be nice of the good officer to let him off? The officer thinks a moment and says he needs to call this one in. Back in his car, he gets on the radio and asks for the chief. "Chief," he says, "I got a problem here and I don't know what to do. I've got this limo pulled over, and I oughta arrest the driver and impound the vehicle, but there's somebody really important involved." "Who is it? The mayor?" asks the Chief. "More important than that..." replies the officer. "The governor, then?" "Uhh, no, sir, even more important than that..." "Well come on man, who is it? Is it ... the President?" demands the Chief. "Even more important than the President, sir. Let me put it to you this way: The Pope's his driver..." ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 11:33:00 EST From: "Musat, Bob" Subject: Re: ecclesiastics! drunken nun & one swear word a nun goes into a liquor store and orders a pint of whiskey. the guy behind the counter says, "gee, sister, i don't really think i should sell you this. it's pretty strong stuff." the nun says, "oh, that's alright. it's for medicinal purposes only." the guy relents and sells her the pint. about 1/2 hour later, the nun is back, and a little wobbly, and wants another pint. the guy challenges her with, "now sister, i can see you've drunk the first pint i sold you. are you SURE this is for medicinal purposes?" she says, "oh, yesh. it mosht sher-tun-lee izzz." so he sells her another pint, and she leaves. another 1/2 hour goes by, and, sure enough, she's back. *this* time, though, she's REALLY tipsy, and can hardly stagger to the counter. "i'd li(hic)ke another whisk of that pintey, pleash." well, our friendly counterman is now fairly outraged, and says, "sister! i KNOW you are drinking this whiskey! how can you DARE say that it's only for medicinal purposes?!?!?!" the nun explains, "well, shee, the mother shuper(hic)ior is constipated, and when she sees me, she'll just *shit*!" ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 11:39:03 -0500 From: Elizabeth Bolyard Subject: may be offensive to married crossdressers... a young newlywed was feeling amorous, so she decided to go home and surprise her husband...she walked into their bedroom...looked at him and said "dear, take off my shoes..."...he took off her shoes...she said "dear, take off my blouse..."...he took off her blouse...she said "dear, take off my skirt..."...he took off her skirt...she said "dear...take off my bra..." he took off her bra...she said "dear, take off my panties..."...and again, he obliged and took them off...then, she looked at him and said "and don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!!! ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 12:02:06 EST From: "William W. Cook" Subject: Tonya Harding (very corny) Have you heard that there is a new legal defense fund to call to donate money for Tonya Harding? The number is 800-#*#* (Hint: # = pound, * = star) ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 12:15:55 EST From: Bryan Pack here's some more jokes: a tonya harding joke, a courtship joke, and two filthy nun jokes. the first ones are G-rated, but the nun jokes ain't ----------------- Q: what's tonya harding's favorite beverage? A: Canadian Club on ice ----------------- there once was this guy who lost his left eye in a childhood accident. his family had little money and no insurance, so the best they could manage to buy him was a polished wooden artificial eye, as opposed to a glass one. the inferior quality of the eye was more than a little obvious, and as he grew up, he became a very self-conscious person, shunning most social contact. however, one day as he was walking down the street, holding his head down as was his custom, he accidently bumped into a young woman. as he stammered an apology, he looked up into a most beautiful face. she was perfect... well, except for an abnormally large nose. it didn't really matter to the man. her beauty moved him, and for the first time in his life, he forgot about his defective wooden eye. he asked her out on a date, there and then. she said yes. they continued dating for quite a while. they fell deeply in love, and were very happy together. (although, they did catch people's eyes, what with her very large nose and his eye made of wood) the day finally arrived when the man summoned up the courage to ask the woman to be his wife. he knelt down before her, looked into her eyes, and said, "would you marry me?" thrilled to no end, she sighed, "oh, would i! would i!" he jumped up and sharply replied, "big nose! big nose!" ============================================================== ====== THE FOLLOWING JOKES ARE DIRTY, FILTHY, NUN JOKES ====== ====== STOP HERE IF YOU WILL BE OFFENDED ====== ============================================================== the mother superior visits the local farmer's market. she walks up to one vendor and says, "i'd like to get 120 bananas for the sisters back at the convent." "sister," he replies, "for an order that large, i'm gonna hafta sell you a gross of bananas instead of splitting it up." "how many would that be?" she asks. "144 bananas," he replies. "well," she says, "i guess we could just EAT the other 24..." ----------------- two nuns are walking down a dark street, when they are suddenly jumped by two men who attack them and start raping them. the first nun looks up to heaven and prays, "forgive them, father, for they know not what they do..." the second one looks up and says, "THIS one does..." ----------------- *BONUS JOKE* re:rednecks, ark natives... Redneck foreplay: "You awake, sis'?" too much pepsi, bryan :) ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 12:32:57 -0400 From: Victoria L Hill Subject: beer Fifteen Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Men 1. You can have more than one beer at a time 2. You can get the size beer you want, even a long neck 3. A beer won't give you whisker burns 4. You can suck on one beer all night long if you want 5. A beer doesn't have to be hard to be good 6. You don't have to finish a beer in 2 minutes; you can take as long as you want 7. A beer doesn't expect you to be true while it runs around 8. A beer satisfies you every time 9. A beer is always there when you want it 10. If you pour a beer correctly, you can have as big of a head as you want 11. It takes a long time for a beer to go flat 12. Even when you pop your's beer top, you can still have a long stiff one 13. Beers don't expect you to be faithful and never ask,"is there another beer?" 14. You can have a quick beer on your lunch hour 15. If you want to change beer, you don't have to get a lawyer. ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 11:53:40 -0600 From: Ian Chai Subject: Wacky church growth ideas ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Ken Stanton Subject: Re: Wacky church growth ideas Hey everyone! The following is the outline of a skit I wrote for our church a couple years back. In light of what Chris just shared with us, I felt it might be appropriate. I hope none are offended by it. It was written in response to a lot of the promotional ideas that churches down in California were trying. This is NOT an attack on any specific church or denomination. It is meant to be a satire on an attitude that tends to permeate the church in this country. Christian Church of Convenience Rev. Luke Warm - Pastor Why should you attend CCC? Well, here's just a few reasons: We are a complete financial institution Why let the world make interest on your money? Direct deposit your paycheck to our church. 10% will automatically be taken out so you will never have that painful task of writing a tithe check. Plus, other investment capital goes to the church, and we even make loans at competitive rates, while the interest goes to the Lord's work here at CCC. By the way, in the back of the church we have a list of our latest impounded cars and faulted mortgages for sale. All services scheduled around major sporting events Our Superbowl Sunday service includes 2 large screen TVs and all the hotdogs you can eat for $5. We guaranteed that no service will preempt the Seattle Seahawks, Mariners or SuperSonics games. Drive through fellowship No wasted time! Confess your sins and bear one another's burdens while never having to leave your car. A fellowship attendant on duty 24 hours a day. Youth group valet parking and vehicle detailing while you worship Why not take advantage of the little monsters, and have them make money too? They don't like church anyway, right? For a nominal fee they will park, guard and completely detail your car while you enjoy our entertaining service. Children's ministry/video arcade We have a complete video arcade for the children's ministry. Here, your kids can master the joystick, know the latest dungeon games, and will be glassy-eyed and numb when you pick them up...just the way you like them. Guaranteed non-convicting message You will be guaranteed in writing that the sermon you hear will not convict nor offend you regardless of your spiritual state or sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. Yes, we will do everything in our power that you will walk away from our service feeling good about yourself and feeling justified in the carnal indulgences you partake in. ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 13:07:00 EST From: Danielle Mainiero Subject: Bill Clinton Statue BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE 1040 Buffoon Street Little Rock, Arkansas 72205 October 27, 1992 Mr. & Ms. Clueless Clinton Supporter 666 Blindsmans Bluff Rd. La-La Land, U.S.A. Dear Clueless; We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five million dollars, for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C. The committee has been in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It would not be wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it next to Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money. Over 5000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land." Now Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovel, kick your ass, raise the taxes on camels and mortgage the Promised Land. If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to our worth while project. Respectfully, Bill Clinton Statue Committee P.S. It is said Bill is considering changing the Democratic Party Emblem from a donkey to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production and gives a false sense of security while being screwed. --hope you find this funny....I do if anyone out there has any other democrat or Bill Clinton jokes please send them Dani-Jo djmst39@vms.cis.pitt.edu ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 14:28:07 EST From: "William W. Cook" Subject: Dave Barry's Year In Review The following items were taken from a newspaper column called Dave Barry's Year In Review: February 12--Keeping a campaign promise, President Clinton signs the Family Leave Bill, granting employees who have new babies the legal right to leave their families and come to work to get some sleep. March 4--In Ohio, a 15 year-old boy sues for the right to leave his parents and live with Michele Pfeiffer. March 20--Scientists for the Tobacco Institute, citing a 17-year study, release a report stating that there is "absolutely no scientific evidence" that people buy cigarettes with the intention of actually smoking them. June 29--NBC, after a lengthy search for a wacky and zany replacement for David Letterman, announces that it has settled on Ross Perot September 16--The reinvention of the federal government continues apace as President Clinton signs an order that would eliminate the 250,000 jobs currently held by federal employees that are legally dead. September 18--President clinton rescinds his order under pressure from the powerful Deceased Federal Employees Union. December 15--A school board in Georgia votes to ban the alphabet after concerned parents point out that it can be used to spell "Satan" as well as "penis". _____________________________ IMHO, every humor-lover on this list should buy all of Dave Barry's books. A good one to start with is _Dave Barry's Greatest Hits_, a collection of his best syndicated newspaper columns. Hope you like them as much as I have....... ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 15:11:28 -0500 From: Martha Stanley Subject: Two signs on one building I swear there is a business in a tiny burg of Northwest Florida that advertises "funeral vaults and septic tanks." Ya gotta wonder....M) ========================================================================= Date: Mon, 7 Feb 1994 19:41:06 -0500 From: Jack Williams Subject: Tonya Harding ON THIN ICE WITH TONYA c 2/2/94 by Jack H. Williams Ready to skate with Tonya? Just grab your brass knuckles and a good defense attorney. Jeff Ghoully, Tonya Harding's ex-husband twice-removed, reportedly told the FBI that Tonya's bodyguard, Shawn Eckardt, had acted alone in planning the attack on Nancy Kerrigan. "Obviously Shawn misunderstood when he overheard me telling Tonya to go out and break a leg"! Shawn, who previously worked for the CIA as a doorstop, has also been arrested. Tonya, in a rare statement to the press, substantiated Jeff's allegation, but denied ever referring to Shawn as a tree stump. "This is another example of the press intentionally misquoting me. I simply stated that we hired Shawn because he was trustworthy, loyal and had the IQ of a tree stump." Tonya went on to severely criticize the media for what she considers to be an attempt to smear her reputation. "Reports that I have been in trouble with the law are complete fabrications by the press and are very unfair not only to myself, but also to my family, my fans and my parole officer!" Meanwhile, Jeff and Shawn have met with their defense attorneys to discuss their pleas to the charges and to determine which TV network has made the best offer for their stories Recently, the International Committee of the U.S. Figure Skating Association met to decide what actions to take in regard to Tonya Harding's participation on the U.S. Olympic Skating Team. An official of the committee, who requested anonymity and a new Pontiac Bonneville, has revealed some of the behind-the-scenes activities of the committee. One option considered, was the placement of Tonya on the U.S. Olympic Hockey Team. It was noted that Tonya would fit right in with this type of sport, but the option was rejected after some heated debate. Several members felt that putting Tonya on the Mens' hockey team might send the wrong message - particularly if she injured too many of her teammates. The committee also rejected another suggestion that Tonya be barred from Olympic competition, but still be allowed to make commercials for Midas Muffler. A considerable amount of discussion of the current situation led the committee to the realization that they would have to remove Tonya from the olympic team. The talks then turned to the appointment of a suitable replacement. It was noted that any replacement would only be acceptable to the American public if the appointee met certain stringent requirements: * has no criminal record * gets along well with the media * has a good sense of fair play * has a law degree The committee, with due consideration of all these criteria, entertained many suggestions before making their final decision. They then voted unanimously to appoint retired Admiral Bobby Inman. He met all of the criteria and the committee knew he was available as he had just recently withdrawn himself from nomination for Secretary of Defense. While one member correctly pointed out that the retired Admiral is not the same gender as the rest of the members of the Womens' Olympic team, the committee felt that this would not be a problem as long as Bobby was able to successfully execute a three-and-a-half-revolution triple axel. Some members of the committee were at first hesitant about the appointment, but other members successfully convinced the doubters by pointing out several important "firsts" that could be established for the U.S. Olympic team: * First Olympic team with a former CIA Director. * First Olympic team to be co-sponsored by Polident and Ex-Lax. The committee secretly notified Admiral Inman of their decision and spent several days conferring with him before it was revealed that he had forgotten to pay social security taxes for his housekeeper over the last 27 years. The CIA is currently investigating the matter while the U.S. Olympic committee works feverishly to get in touch with their second choice for the team - Michael Jackson. ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 15:49:11 EST From: Sara Rummelhart Subject: Humor: 3 Questions & Answers about nuts < mildly rude> What do you call two nuts on the wall? Walnuts What do you call two nuts on your chest? Chestnuts What do you call two nuts on your chin? A blow job. ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 16:05:24 -0400 Sender: UGA Humor List From: "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now." Subject: Those darned Radio Shack employees..... I will not perpetuate the a 'friend-of-a-friend' did this myth. It was actually a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend. ;> - - - - - - - - Do these guys at Radio Shack ever get on your nerves, asking you for a bunch of personal data when you're just there to buy something as simple as a couple AA batteries? I think we should inconvenience these people as much as they do us. A while ago I was in Enid buying a printer cable adaptor and the guy asked me for my name. "Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson" I replied (blank look of confusion) "How do you spell that?" he asked, obviously not wanting to know. "With a hyphen" I clarified "Once more?" he asked "Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson" "Could you please spell that?" he asked, glancing at the half dozen people waiting behind me. "Oh... just like it sounds." I said nonchalantly. Putting down "Johnson", he went on and asked about the address. "Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3, Building O, Appt. 1382b" I replied. Almost through writing all this down, I said "Or did you mean current address?" Stoping, he said (becoming irritated) "Yes. Current address." "Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S. Tinatonabee Avenue, Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201." I replied quite slowly. Waiting until he finished I said "No, wait, it's NORTH Tinatonabee Avenue." Annoyed, he backed up and changed it. "I think." I interjected. "And is all this correct?" he asked in a standard manner. "Of course not." I replied, leaving, "If you want my REAL name and address, look at the damned credit card receipt." A little mean, I must admit, but no jury would convict me... At least, none that had been to Radio Shack. ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 19:09:27 -0500 From: Hilde Horvath Subject: Offensive to W. Virginians & others If a couple from West Virginia get a divorce, are they still brother and sister? Billy Joe and Mary Sue were going to get married. On their wedding day, Mary Sue said, "I have to tell you something, Billy Joe." He said, "tell me later." They were in front of the justice of the peace, and Mary Sue insisted she had to tell him something before they got married. Billy Joe says, "All right, what is it?" She told him that she was a virgin. So Billy Joe walks out on the ceremony. When he gets home, his father says, "I thought you were marrying Mary Sue today! What happened?" Billy Joe told him what happened, that she said she was a virgin, so he had up and walked out. The father thought about it for a few minutes and told his son, " You done right, boy. If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours." A man had a wooden eye and he was very self-conscious about it. A friend of his told him that it was no good to just stay shut up and that he should go to a dance and meet people. Being very shy he just sat in a corner. Finally, he got up enough nerve to ask a girl for a dance. He noticed a girl with a hare lip and figured that she must be in the same predicament as he. So when he asked this girl to dance, she said, "Oh, boy, would I!" So he said, "hare-lip, hare-lip, hare-lip." Enough of my husband's jokes for one day. ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 18:32:58 -0600 From: Siddharth Taparia Subject: Bobbit.... One female very easily cuts off a man's sexual organ, and throws it in the garden and goddamit she is not even caught for littering... ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 18:42:06 -0600 From: "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" Subject: Top Ten List for 2/7/94 ---> February 7, 1994 <--- =============================== Top Ten Rejected Olympic Sports =============================== **To assist in this Top Ten List, Dave had Paula Zahn and Harry Smith from "CBS This Morning", playing a cello and tuba, respectively, after each entry.** 10. Pantsless Ski Jump 9. Synchronized Hockey 8. Four-man Zamboni 7. Racketeering 6. Bobsled with Bob Barker, Bob Eubanks and Bob Hope 5. Really Drunk Luge 4. Lead Pipe Free-For-All 3. Bare-Assed Slalom 2. Bobbittsledding 1. Freestyle Gillooly ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 16:17:00 CST From: Karla Kay Hangsleben Subject: death and money A man dies suddenly. His wife has him cremated. The man leaves alot of money to his wife. They had not had a happy marriage, she never seemed to get what she wanted and neither did he. So after he was cremated the funeral director asked her if she wanted the ashes. Of course she did but she wanted to prepare the proper place for him at home. She leaves the funeral home. After the usual "mourning" period she decides to return to the funeral home and pick up her dearly departed husband. She places his urn in the front seat of her car and says "See this car Henry, this beautiful new Mercedes. I bought it with your money since you would never by it for me." She drives home and walks into the house. She says "See this beautiful home Henry, totally new, everything new. All the furniture, all carpets the whole house all new. I bought this with your money too, since you would never buy it for me." She then carefully spreads Henry's ashes on the kitchen table and says "Get ready Henry I have something for you the I would never give you either." SHe takes a deep breath and blows his ashes everywhere. She then states "See there was that blow job you always wanted!" ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 15:06:53 PST From: Dave Clough Subject: Non-offensive Q: What's the difference between a duck? A: One leg is both the same. ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 09:57:00 GMT+0800 From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" Subject: Jokes about Jesus - definitely not for the religiouly sensitive Peter and JC were sat at the Pearly Gates one day having a beer during a quiet period. JC turns to Peter and says "Do you know it's been ages since I've had a woman and I'm definitely feeling a bit randy!" Peter replies "Yeh, it must be over nineteen hundred years since you last got laid, isn't it? Let me think. Mary Magdonald... Magnet... or something was the last one you got your leg over I recollect. Must admit it's been quite some time since I had a woman." JC asks "Well, as it's a quiet day how about a quick trip down to Earth and we'll find ourselves a couple of women?" Peter agrees and after dressing for the 20th century they zip down to Earth. Sitting at a singles bar over a beer-chaser each JC and Peter start chatting up a couple of good-looking women. After a while Peter turns to JC and says "Mine wants to take me back to her place. I think I'm in here." JC replies that his has similar intentions. So they agree to go their separate ways but to meet at the corner of the block at sunrise. Peter returns to the corner at sunrise to find JC sat on the kerb looking dejected. Peter says "Boy! What a night! There was no stopping her once she got going. What a great body and could she use it. Do I feel good!. So how did it go with yours then?" JC looks up and groans "Terrible. Absolutely bloody terrible" "Why?" asks Peter. "Well," says JC "we get back to her place and have a couple of drinks, the lights are low and there some sexy music playing. Soon we're fondling one another and after a while decide to get comfortable on the bed." "Sounds great, so what was the problem." JC answers, "Well we both took our clothes off and climbed onto the bed and carried on with our fondling and we were both now very excited." "Great! So?" "Well," says JC "as soon as I touched her vagina the bloody thing healed up!" While I'm on the subject another JC joke. A few days after the crucifixon Simon and Peter are fishing on the lake. After a while Simon notices that there's someone waving at them from the shore. Simon points this out to Peter, who says "Hey! You know if JC hadn't just been crucified I'd swear that was him." Simon agrees and to satisfy their curiosity they allow their boat to drift towards the shore. After a while Simon says "Well bugger me! That is JC!" Peter agrees and shouts "Hey JC. What a great surprise! Come on, come over." Indeed it is JC on the shore and after giving a final wave JC begins to walk towards the boat across the surface of the lake. However, after a few minutes JC stops and looks at his ankles, which are now underwater. With a shrug JC continues but stops again after a few moments when he realises that the water is upto his knees. JC struggles on but the water level keeps rising. By the time it reaches his chest Simon and Peter realise that JC is in trouble. "Jesus!" says Peter "The bugger will drown!" Simon and Peter row their boat quickly over to JC and reach him just as JC's head disappears under the waves. They pull him onto the bought where he gasps in amazement, "I don't understand it. I didn't have any problem walking on the water before." "Ah!" said Peter "but you didn't have bloody great holes in your feet then, did you?" From sunny Hong Kong "Kung Hei Fat Choi" for the Chinese New Year and thanks for all of the jokes. ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 22:27:08 EST From: Nic van der Vyver Subject: adult theme (risque) As is/was well known the gods of old, Greek/Roman/Norse, did have their "human" weaknesses, and this included partying and what goes with that and with Baccus' (he who blesses the fruit of the vinyard) refreshments. Anyway, on this Friday night the whole lot were really doing their thing there on top of Mount Olympus, this occasion hosted by the Greek gods. Things went really wild through to the early hours of the morning. Finally however, quiet descended as the whole lot eventually passed out in sleep - nothing cleared up, bodies all over the place! Yet, the gods never fail their godly habits, and despite lack of sleep, the first to rise again was THOR, the god of THUNDER! ....and as he unfailingly does every morning, he walked out into the first rays of the rising sun, faced the sun, struck mighty blows with his fists on his huge chest and roared, "I'M THO-O-O-O-RR!" At this one of the sexy Valkyrie (beautiful Norse maiden they are) happened to come walking out right behind him and said, "YOU'RE Thor', I'M tho thor I can hardly pith!" ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 23:34:55 -0500 From: Christine Schoedel Subject: offensive to men Q: What did God say after He created man? A: "I can do better!" ========================================================================= Date: Tue, 8 Feb 1994 23:45:50 EDT From: Dan Hotopp Organization: Antenna/Microwave/Integration WEC Subject: G. Westinghouse History and Indian Ingenuity (Corny) You say Edison was the greatest one of all, but don't forget George Westinghouse. Edison was famous for D.C. (direct current) which incidentally, we named our nation's capitol after. But Westinghouse was famous for A.C. and the Westinghouse Electric Co. So anyway, the descendants of these two got together and created a band, hence AC/DC. Thusly, if you create AC with DC all you get is noise. So George Westinghouse is famous for noise. If you hear any noise, in your car or house or anywhere else, thank him. ============================================================================= Three Indian squaws were sitting around the campfire, bragging. The first squaw says, "My son is a good hunter!" And to prove it, she points to a bear hide one her teepee and says, "My son tracked the bear, killed it and then skinned it and gave me the hide!" The next squaw says, "My son is an excellent hunter!" And to prove it she points over to her teepee where a buffalo hide is hanging, and she says, "My son tracked the buffalo, and not just the weakest one in the herd, but the strongest one, forced it out of the herd, killed it, skinned it and then gave the hide to me!" The third squaw, not to be outdone, says "I myself am as good a hunter as your two sons put together!" To prove it she points to a hippopotamus hide on her teepee. "I had to first find a hippopotamus, and you know how rare they are around here, then kill it (which wasn't easy because their skins are so tough), then skin it (which took four knives, because their skins are soooo tough)." The moral of the story: the squaw of the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 09:33:10 -0500 From: "J. Grady Lacy" Subject: John Wayne Bobbit and the Bible In Deuteronomy 23:1 (Authorized King James Version) one sees the following injuction: "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD." It would appear that Mr. Bobbit will have a problem on the "day of reckoning." ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 10:00:37 -0500 Sender: UGA Humor List From: "Bruce W. Evans, 307 Grimsley Hall, (803) 953-3977" Subject: tonya harding Q: What is Tonya Harding's favorite drink? A: Canadian Club...on ice ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 09:44:03 -0600 From: "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" Subject: Top Ten List for 2/8/94 ---> February 8, 1994 <--- ========================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At Ronald Reagan's Birthday Party ========================================================== 10. "Why's Reagan trying to blow out the chandelier?" 9. "Happy Birthday to...wait stop. He's wandered off again!" 8. "...And now president Reagan will use his Playskool phone to call and wish himself a Happy Birthday" 7. "Mommy make me cake! Cake good" 6. "More coffee, Quayle!" 5. "Hey, someone spiked the punch with Grecian Formula" 4. "Excuse me, I've got to exercise the old 'Trickle-Down Theory', if you know what I mean" 3. "Quick, hide the cake! Rush Limbaugh's here!" 2. "Wow, a Beavis and Butthead T-Shirt!" 1. "Am I still President?" Brian Peek peekb@gar.union.edu Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 11:49:30 EST From: Bryan Pack Subject: good grief, oedipus! man, oh, man, i'm beat... was out too late last night (went out to see buffalo tom at cat's cradle in chapel hill last night, for all you college music fans...) so, although i'm too tired to think up any jokes today, i thought i'd leave everyone with the following thought festering in their minds: would the comic strip "peanuts" be as popular as it has been if snoopy *didn't* resemble a large female breast? [think about it, gang... those lovable icons of american popular culture represent a frightening range of deep seated neuroses: deep chronic depression, anxiety, codependency, sublimated libido, delusional behaviors (in attempts to escape reality), confusion of sexual identities and androgyny, etc. etc... the institution of the neighborhood lemonaid stand is replaced with a psychiatric booth in this twisted little world! this explains a lot about our society, you know...] there's a graduate or doctorial thesis in this somewhere... ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 12:11:57 -0500 From: Andrew B Stellman Subject: Re: UNSUBSCRIBE Excerpts from mail: 8-Feb-94 Re: UNSUBSCRIBE by Heather Gale@UOGUELPH.CA > question: > what does "com" mean? where are you from Shhh... I'm sending this to you personally, Heather, so as not to alert anyone else. This whole "com" thing is a conspiracy, but they didn't want to be so obvious about it, so they used "com" rather than "con". All of these newsgroups are secretly watched by the NSA, the FBI, the ex-KGB, and three different groups of alien invaders: the greys, the pods, and the Xians. The internet is the breeding ground for all sorts of thought-control experiments. By subscribing to the HUMOR mailing list, you subjected yourself to one of the nastiest ones. All of this recent talk about nuns and priests is meant to destabilize your belief system, and soon they'll start in on the nasties -- polish jokes, jokes about sports, jokes about body odor ... and the worst of -- the knock-knock joke. Get out while you can! ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 10:00:57 -0800 From: Guy Rosefelt Subject: Giving in to Man Bashing (R Subject: Time:9:33 AM OFFICE MEMO Giving in to Man Bashing (R) Date:2/9/94 Since man bashing seems to be the topic of the day, I can throw it out with the best of them (women of course). This demonstrates that I am a sensitive (but straight) male in touch with the women's feelings...... Q: Why did God give women nipples? A: To make suckers out of men. ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 10:02:41 -0800 From: Larry Richards Subject: Clean - suggestive What is the difference between dark and hard? It stays dark all night. ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 14:32:04 -0400 From: Dean Smith Subject: clean stories Next time you have a routine doctor's appointment, try this: When I was 13, I went to the doctor for my annual physcial examination. When it came time to "fill the cup," I went into the bathroom. While in the bathroom, I filled the cup with apple juice, instead of urine. I walked out of the bathroom and went to return my sample. There was a nurse waiting for the cup. Before handing over the specimen, I commentted that it was very warm in the room and I was thirsty. The nurse directed my attention to a water fountain at the end of the hall. But, I drank the liquid in the cup. The nurse was speechless and the doctor standing behind me turned white. I was comvulsed in laughter, but the doctor found no humor in the situation after I explained what happened. Also around the same age, My orthodontist constantly critisized me. I never did anything properly ( in his opinion) while wearing braces. So, while in the waiting room before an appointment one day, I ate two OREO's. He through me out of his office, but I didn't care. Sweet revenge!! ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 11:35:11 -0800 From: "Dr. David Lustig" Subject: Tonya Harding/Michael Jackson Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding? A: Both are guily as hell, but only one will skate! ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 15:37:16 EST From: _Hok_L_Joeng Subject: computer puns(pg-13) I just overheard this: this girl gave a guy, who happens sitting next to me as i'm typing right now, "here's the key" Guy: "What key? Ooo.. for the bottom drawer?" Girl: "Yap." *It's actually a drawer in the lab. Hey, what can they be doing in the labs? I said the following on monday to my boss: "Yo, i'm done UNZIPping" Boss: "Aa.. can you not say that in the public?" * I was unloading backup files which happen to be zipped(compressed). ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 15:24:49 -0500 From: Bret Jacobsen Subject: My Dog, Sex My Dog Sex Everybody who has a dog calls him "Spot", or "Blackie", or "Fido". I call mine Sexton. Over the years that got shortened to "Sex". Now Sex has been very embarassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said he'd like one too. Then I said this is for a dog, and he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said you don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old. He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me, and when I checked into my hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room was a special room for Sex. I said you don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night, and he said me too. One day I entered a contest, but before the contest began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around, and I told him I was planning to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. I said you don't undersand, I had hopes of having Sex on TV. He called me a showoff. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog, and I said your honor, I had Sex before I was married, and the judge said me too. Then I told him after I got married Sex left me, and he said me too. Last night Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at four o'clock in the morning. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Friday. ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 16:36:04 EST From: Adan Rodriguez Subject: offensive to lawyer I recently joyned your list and I am surprise nobody makes lawyer jokes. Maybe is because everybody knows them all! Anyway here are some... Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: Why won't sharks attack lawywers? A: Professional curtesy. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire only sucks blood at night. ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 17:29:44 EST From: Sim Webster Subject: Humor: Things not to say or do at your thesis defense (2 of 6) 148 THINGS (NOT) TO DO OR SAY AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE Written by Master Peter Dutton contributions by Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen, Patricia Whitson and a few others. 26) Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics... 27) Use a Super Soaker to point at people. 28) Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas. 29) Door prizes and a raffle. 30) "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..." 31) "And now, a word from our sponsor..." 32) Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter. 33) Whine piteously, beg, cry... 34) Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin. 35) The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...") 36) Table dance (you or an exotic dancer). 37) Fashion show. 38) "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..." 39) "I'd like to thank the Academy..." 40) Minstrel show (blackface, etc.). 41) Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund. 42) Pass the collection basket. 43) Two-drink minimum. 44) Black tie only. 45) "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..." 46) Incite a revolt. 47) Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building. 48) Release a flock of doves. 49) Defense by proxy. 50) "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..." ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 18:03:50 EST From: Angel Dey Subject: HUMOR: dirty, nasty ditty from elementary school days When you're sittin' in your seat and you feel sumpthin' neat - -Diarrhea When you're walkin' down the hall and you feel sumpthin' fall - -Diarrhea When you're sittin' in the school [on a stool] and you feel sumpthin' cool - -Diarrhea It feels kinda funny but it's really hot and runny - -Diarrhea ========================================================================= Date: Wed, 9 Feb 1994 19:10:43 -0500 From: Martha Stanley Subject: Traveling Saleman (clean enough) I'd be interested in hearing some of the old classic jokes of the genre called "traveling saleman" or "saleswoman" if there are any. Here's the first in a thread, I hope. This one is old, old, old to me but noone else ever seems to know it (till now). Seems a traveling saleman needed a place to stay since it was getting dark and the only place near was a farmhouse. He walked up to the front door and knocked. A farmer opened the door (etc.etc.etc.) and finally agreed that the salesman could spend the night. BUT the only place to sleep was in the hay loft. Well, that was okay with the TS. AND, "that is where my daughter sleeps." Well, that was okay, too. But, " you have to promise not to touch her." Well, he could handle that (bad pun), too. So, eventually he got to sleep WITHOUT breaking his promise. About ten months later he got back into town and while walking down the street he saw the farmers's daughter carrying a very new baby. He stopped her and looked at the child. It was grossly deformed. The ears were on the same side of the head, the eyes were cockeyed, the nose was squashed, etc. He asked her if the child was his? Yes, he was told. Well, how did the child get so deformed? Her reply: Well, you'd be all messed up, too, if YOU were strained through a sheet! ------------------------------------------------------------------ 60