Work @ DUTCH #3: CHANGES@ By Andrew Campbell 1995@ @ The arcade was packed with noise and colour, most of it taking the @ form of school children wasting away their dinner money. Whines, beeps@ and bells echoed the gloomy arena, which was lifted from a dark cloud@ of infinite frustration only by the ever-present chance of fortune and@ success. An explosion of cash, a cheer of excitement- semi-bowed heads@ would turn and stare with anxiety- just another set of eyes amongst a @ theatre of blinking, flashing, whizzing lights...@ "Three quid seventy and five pee from on the floor down there," said@ Sarah, pouring her salvage into Dutch's cupped hands. He analyzed it @ before spreading it out across the deck of the fruit machine.@ "Jeezus," he laughed. "What d'you do love? Rob a bank or somethin'?"@ "No." Sarah wiped her nose. "You win owt yet?"@ "Not yet," Dutch said and slapped his palm down over a flashing red @ button. The machine uttered a high-pitched whine. "Bloody hell," he @ cursed. "Almost- ALMOST."@ "What do you have to do?" asked Sarah, watching the images of fruit @ dance before her eyes. "Can I see if I can do it?"@ "It's not a matter of that," Dutch muttered, inserting more money. @ "I know this type of machine, there's a way of busting the vault. You @ have to whack it at a certain point... round about... NOW." he thumped@ the red button again. This time the machine went haywire and spewed @ out a thunderous stream of coins.@ "Wow!" cried Sarah, throwing herself on the floor. "We're rich!"@ "Jesus, gerrup will you?" Dutch shouted over the roar of the coins.@ He looked around conspicuously. "Don't swim in it love, pick it up as @ quick as you can. Hurry!"@ The leak stopped and the floor was cleaned in a fit of giggles. They@ ran out of the arcade with bulging pockets and dozens of envious eyes @ boring into their backs.@ @ *@ @ "Twenty four quid." said Dutch, shaking his head. "Unbelievable. @ THIRTY FOUR if you count the tenner that woman gave us in the cafe." @ They wandered into a group of elderly women selling old clothes,@ ornaments and discarded household junk at jumble-sale prices. The@ amber-streaked early morning sky teleported them from a drizzly@ British backstreet to a chattery eastern market-place, alive with @ ancient language and fast, primitive exchanges. Only the continuous@ drone of four-wheeled monsters - irritating with their honks and@ squeals - held the gathering away from plunging into an illusionary @ (but believable) timescape.@ "Can I have this?" Sarah held up a tiny little vase. Dutch blinked @ and his eastern dream was stolen like a frog lashing a fly. A car horn@ brought down the black curtain of reality... and he was on the streets@ again: hungry, cold, injured, and despite Sarah- very alone. @ "No, put it down." he snapped.@ Sarah grabbed something else. "Aww, look at this, isn't it cute?"@ "No, it's bloody awful. Leave it will you?"@ "But- aww, Dutch, what about this pink one? I love THIS."@ "Just leave it! Come on."@ They wandered for a while, a gap between their bodies and hearts. @ People washed around them like gentle waves on a pebbled beach- and @ they allowed themselves to be pulled in by this `tide' until fate@ clashed them together once more. @ "Will you buy me a watch?"@ "You don't need a watch."@ "What about a hat."@ "Your coat's got a hood."@ "Have you got an excuse for everythin'?"@ He stopped and turned, a smile tottering on the brink of existence.@ "You want me to buy you somethin'?"@ Sarah grinned. "Yeh."@ "Fine." he grabbed her hand. "Follow me."@ "Where we goin'?" her cheerfulness sank as she saw the place where @ he was heading. She didn't understand the writing above the door, but @ she understood the huge pair of scissors plastered across the window.@ Half way there, she began to struggle.@ "No! No way!"@ "Yes way," Dutch fought back. "I'm sick of talking to a mop: you're @ havin' that jungle seen to."@ "No, no way I don't want to!"@ @ *@ @ The door of the hair salon tinkled open. They waited at the desk,@ whispering and battling with each other, until a dark, delicate woman@ drifted towards them like a swan.@ "Do you have an appointment?" she almost whispered, flashing white @ behind soft, rose-petal lips.@ Sarah made for the door- Dutch grabbed her sleeve.@ "Guess." he said breathlessly. "Look, could you fit her in for a @ short back n' sides? I've gotta bit of shopping left to do, I'll be @ back in about twenty minutes to pay you."@ The swan smiled and tilted her head towards Sarah.@ "Okay my dear, let's smarten you up shall we?"@ "But I don't want my hair cuttin'!" Sarah yelled, causing faces in @ mirrors to turn and stare. @ "You can pick your own style," the swan assured her. "You don't have@ to have it cut very short if you don't want. I'll even wash it for @ you so it's all nice and clean."@ "There you are, see?" said Dutch, making for the door. "Daddy'll be @ back in a little while. Have fun." he left with a broad smile on his @ face.@ @ *@ @ "Dorothy? It's Peter." said Dutch, staring out of the phone box. @ Cars and people drifted by in near-silence, and this pleased him.@ "Yes, I'm fine. How are you? Good, good... listen, I have a friend @ who needs looking after. She's skint, she's homeless, I doubt she'd @ admit it but she's as thin as a rake. She's uneducated, and from a @ pretty rough background, physical abuse anyway, I don't know about...@ yeah, well, that's what I was coming to. She's nineteen... what? Yeah@ I know... I was hoping you'd- yeah, I know you're busy but she's in a@ pretty bad state. She can't hang around with me for the rest of her@ life for obvious reasons. If I send her down will you give her a@ chance? No, she's not violent, she's very shy- it'll be hard enough@ trying to get her on a bus down to your place. I might have to go @ with her- you what? Well if Susan's gone you've got room for another @ then, haven't you? Well Sarah's only two years older than her-@ what...? Oh thanks Dorothy, brilliant. No, I mean it love, you're the@ best. That'll be fine, she'll BE there. Thanks, bye."@ He put the phone back in it's cradle and breathed out. Near-silent@ humans and vehicles swirled all around- deepening a dark voice inside@ him.@ `Thirty four pounds,' it croaked. Dutch narrowed his eyes. `You have@ enough money to put a good distance between you and her. Take it all@ and run. She'll be fine- leave her. Take the money and run. Take it@ and run, take it and run, take it-'@ Dutch kicked and punched his way out of the phone box and joined a@ stream of bobbing heads. He fed a cigarette between his lips as he @ passed a tall sign which read: "RAILWAY STATION - 1/4 MILE".@ @ *@ @ "See what a difference the wash has made?" said the swan, running a@ comb gently through Sarah's hair. "You'd look perfect if I trim it so @ it's just hanging above your shoulders... what do you say?"@ Sarah, hypnotised the swan's silky movement, nodded dreamily.@ "Hmm, whatever." she muttered.@ Small feathers of brownish-blonde hair began to float down onto her @ lap. The swan snipped and snatched, leaned left and right, combed @ here, sprayed water there... she was everything from gracefully slow @ to lightning fast.@ `Is each glance in the mirror an act of vanity?' Sarah wondered, @ observing how the swan never failed to meet her own dark eyes. `If you@ were so beautiful would you do the same?'@ The swan combed Sarah's fringe over her face. It reached down as far@ as the tip of her nose, where it stopped unevenly, like a tiny frozen@ waterfall.@ "Keep very still," whispered the swan, as she cut away the hair from@ left to right. When the curtain had been pulled back, her smooth,@ concentrated face came under scrutiny from an intrigued, fascinated @ Sarah.@ "Is that your real skin?" she said, and as soon as the question had@ been born, she felt snakes writhe in her stomach. Quickly, she @ appended: "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean-"@ "It's alright, I know what you meant." the swan smiled, still busy @ with her oddly-shaped scissors. "No, it's not. I'm made up." she @ snipped away more hair. "Have you never worn make-up before?"@ "No." Sarah said. Mr Stead had never approved of make-up. Come to @ think of it, Mr Stead had never approved of anything much. Sarah @ longed for both her own unique identity, and a real, personal@ possession; something she could treasure, like a piece of jewelry or@ a little ornament. Both would have to be special in some way... but @ she didn't really know how to make things `special'.@ "Doesn't your dad buy you make-up?" asked the swan, eyebrows raised.@ "I don't have a dad." said Sarah drearily. "Don't have a mum @ either."@ The swan paused.@ "Then who was that man who brought you here?"@ Sarah's skin prickled. "Oh," she said hurriedly. "That's Dutch. He @ was just kiddin' about bein' my dad. He does it sometimes as a joke, @ you know, cos there's like- a big age gap between us."@ The swan smiled unsurely, nodded and continued her delicate work. @ Sarah grinned. "Nah, Dutch is like- my boyfriend."@ The snipping stopped.@ "Hmmm... I think you'd look really nice with blonde streaks." @ announced the swan, eyeing Sarah from all angles. "It'd cost a bit@ more, but you'd certainly knock your, ah... `boyfriend' out."@ Sarah stared at herself excitedly, trying to imagine what she'd look@ like if her hair was tinted with gold.@ "You reckon he'd like that?" she said, biting her lip. "Really?"@ "Definitely." the swan nodded.@ A pause.@ "Alright," Sarah decided, getting cozy in the chair. She smiled as @ best she could at other women who'd been watching her in the mirror-@ other women with careers and jobs and husbands and homes. She felt no @ jealousy, for here at the hairdresser's, through a few white lies and @ harmless fantasies, she too could be like them. @ @ *@ @ "Fifteen quid." Dutch cursed and took his sandwich out of it's @ wrapping paper. "I can't believe that bitch charged me fifteen quid."@ "I thought you'd like it." said Sarah in a disappointed tone. She @ started pushing a bit of tomato across the table with her finger.@ "S'not that I don't like it, love." Dutch assured her. "Christ, I @ think you look unreal. I mean- WOW. I thought I'd gone into the wrong@ barbers, I didn't recognize you at first... it's just, well, you have@ to admit on our budget fifteen smackeroonies is pretty heavy going for@ a bloody haircut."@ When Dutch had returned to collect Sarah, she'd been pleased with @ his initial reaction- he'd stood there at the door with his mouth wide@ open, and she'd stepped up to him feeling new, clean, refreshed, and @ above all- confident that she had finally captured his attention.@ But as they'd wandered through the city in search of a place to eat,@ his speechlessness had slipped away, until things had turned back to @ how they were before: him leading the way, her just tagging along.@ To Sarah, the world had seemed bigger, bolder, more alive... yet @ strangely- far less threatening. Men had turned their heads and smiled@ at her, one had even whistled. She wondered if Dutch would notice the@ make-up the swan had applied- hints ot darkness around her eyes, more@ colour in her cheeks. Without the mirror she felt weak and lacking in@ control: perhaps the make-up had faded already and she was just Sarah@ again. Not beautiful, not special, not anything... just Sarah, tired@ and hopeless.@ "So where did you go?" she sighed, not really caring anymore what @ they talked about. The plan had failed and that was that.@ "I phoned up an old friend of mine," said Dutch. "Then I went to the@ station and found out what time trains leave for York."@ "York?" Sarah's head came up. "Are we goin' to York?"@ "Yep." said Dutch, sprinkling sugar into his coffee. "And it'll be a@ fairly long trip so hurry up and eat your sarny."@ Sarah picked up the food and examined it. No: she wasn't hungry, not@ now, not anymore. She put it back down and sighed again- louder, in @ the hope that Dutch would notice and ask her what was wrong. He didn't@ though: he just carried on munching like a pig.@ "I suppose you're not gonna tell me WHY we're goin' to York," she @ said in a gruff voice. "Just like you won't tell me how old you are, @ or what your second name is, or where you came from, or anythin'."@ Dutch swallowed and stared... before taking another bite and looking@ out of the window. @ "Oh, you're so tight it's unbelievable." Sarah shouted crossly. "I @ don't know why I put up with it. I could just run off and find @ somebody else to talk to."@ Dutch paused between bites. "So why don't you then?" @ "Oh charmin'," Sarah laughed with surprise. She watched the busy@ streets for a few seconds, before scooping up her food and pushing her@ chair back. "Right," she yelled. "Bugger you! I'm off-"@ "I came from a place near Stockport, alright?" snapped Dutch. Sarah @ stopped, one foot out from under the table. "Eat up, will you?" he @ pleaded. "Cost a fair bit that grub. We don't have much cash left."@ Sarah repositioned herself. "Okay," she said. "What's your second @ name?"@ "I don't have one." said Dutch, sipping his coffee. @ "Don't be silly," Sarah sniggered. "Everyone's got a second name."@ "Not if they don't want."@ "But... then what do people call you? Dutch Dutch?"@ "Look," Dutch cleared his throat and put down his coffee. "We're in @ the country of freedom right now, okay? In a way we're not even in @ society. Therefore we can call ourselves what we want, not what our @ parents branded us with, you see? I chose Dutch cos I had an Uncle who@ died in the war called Dutch... okay love? Happy now?"@ Sarah shook her head, not happy at all. "Then you've bin lyin' to @ me." she whispered, overwhelmed with disbelief. All of a sudden this @ dark, hairy man in front of her was no longer a friend but a stranger-@ an unknown, nameless outsider with whom she'd almost fallen in love.@ Now, there were no feelings of warmth at all; she wanted to crash the @ table up into his face and scream.@ "No, no no no," said Dutch when he saw the tears swelling in her @ eyes. "Not again, please, I'm sorry okay? I don't know what the hell @ difference it makes but if you must know, if it'll make you happy, my@ real name's Peter Cashmore. Alright? See? Nothing's changed, I'm still@ the same guy, I'm still here lookin' after you, and I still think @ you're the prettiest thing in the world."@ His compliment was recognized but no longer held the value it would @ have done only moments ago. Sarah's world melted away into a web of @ twisted colour, until she had to close her eyes to rid herself of a @ burning, inner pain. @ "Look, I can see what that woman's tried to do, and believe me, I've@ noticed. But with me... well, things can't go the way you're wanting @ them to go. You'll just have to trust me on that."@ "Why?" Sarah demanded, wiping her face on her sleeve. "Why not?"@ "Because..." he shrugged. "Because... because I'm sick, okay?"@ "You mean you're insane?" she wept. The swan's make-up had smudged @ into black puddles beneath her eyes.@ "No, no, Jesus no." Dutch clenched his fists. "No, I don't mean like@ that. Sarah-" he hit the table, before finally spitting it it out.@ "Look, I'm HIV positive okay?" he whispered harshly. "I had an AIDS@ test about a month ago, and believe me, I didn't run out of the clinic@ jumpin' for joy. You can't stay with me because if you do, the way@ things are going, you'll..." he sighed. "Ah look, it doesn't matter...@ that's the truth anyway. Cue a huge crowd awing me with sympathy, cue@ pitiful looks, cue you leaping up from the table and screaming that @ I'm a complete bastard for hiding it from you. Well, I hope you're @ very satisfied and it's been very nice knowing you. Tarra, see you@ around, hope you have a nice soddin' life and all that shit."@ He took a shaky breath and looked out of the window again. He @ noticed Sarah had stopped sniffling, but said nothing to her. There@ was no self-pity or desire for sympathy: either one would have tipped@ the balance and transformed him into somebody he didn't want to be:@ selfish, foul-tempered, morbid... and worst of all, terrified.@ "Gettin' out, livin' like I am now..." he said quietly. "It's just @ my way of dealin' with it, that's all. I've spent too long studyin' at@ Uni and gettin' pissed outa my head... not carin' about anythin' but @ havin' a good laugh... it's like I've been trapped in this horrible,@ self-indulgent world of greed and hunger for success. In a way I guess@ I'm glad I've got..." he stopped, rubbed his forehead. "Why the hell@ am I even tellin' you this?"@ "It's okay, keep talkin' to me." Sarah reached out across the table.@ "Please tell me, you can think what you like- I'm not runnin' off, I'm@ not screamin'. I'm like- well, I don't know what to say, but I'm not@ screamin' am I?"@ "I guess not," he smiled a bit. "Thing is, you see... I can't change@ what's wrong with me. I can't just walk into a barbers and have my@ condition chopped away. Now it's there, it'll always be there, until @ it comes right out and bites me in half. Everytime I get a stomach @ pain or a headache I think `this is it, Dutch. You're history'."@ He thought for a few moments, before continuing.@ "I saw a woman in hospital with AIDS once. She was talking to her @ boyfriend or husband or somebody, and she had a little green bowl @ tucked under her chin to catch all the puke as she spoke. She just @ couldn't stop throwin' up. I stood there watchin' her for so long she @ turned and saw me, and... I saw death in her eyes. REAL death. Some-@ -times I think she's the one who I caught it from, not... well I guess@ I can't be sure how I got it, could've been from alsorts of things. I @ was really stupid."@ "What about your family?" asked Sarah. "Do they know?"@ "My parents died about eight years ago in a car crash. I only went @ on to Uni because that's what they wanted-"@ "How old are you?" Sarah interjected. "Please tell me, please."@ He waited a long time before answering that question.@ "Twenty five." he said, and the universe began to move again.@ Sarah leaned back in her chair, her mouth hung open. "My God. I @ don't believe it." she gasped. "I thought you were about thirty @ somethin' at least."@ "Wish I was." he sniffed. "Don't seem to have been on the planet two@ minutes before- this. Ah Christ, I promised myself I wouldn't let all @ this rubbish get in the way, let's just forget it. I'm alright, I feel@ fine, there's nothing wrong with me."@ He fidgeted, and rolled crumbs around on his plate, and cut a tiny @ leaf of lettuce into minute strips. Sarah tried to remember all the@ times she'd looked at him and seen an annoying, irritable character: a@ man with an excuse to do - or not to do - anything in the world. A man@ with the angry wish to be anti-EVERYTHING.@ "Who did you phone up?"@ Dutch snapped out of a daydream. "You what love?"@ "I said who did you phone... while I was havin' my hair cut?"@ "Oh, a woman I know called Dorothy." he said. "She's going to look @ after you for a while-"@ "I don't need lookin' after-"@ "You know what I mean," Dutch waved his hand. "She used to be a @ teacher, now she's into some kind of social work- I lose track on what@ she's doing. She'll be at the station in York when our train arrives. @ She always wears royal blue- always, she stands out a bloody mile." @ "What time's the train?"@ "About a half an hour. Finish your grub, visit the bog and we're out@ of here, okay love?"@ "Alright... Dutch?"@ "What?" She stared, mouth open, ready to speak. "WHAT?" he repeated.@ "Nothing." she said, looking away. "Doesn't matter."@ She studied what she had been about to say and shuddered violently @ when it finally sunk in: `Give me the disease,' her mind had demanded@ her to shout. `Give it to me Dutch and I'll die with you, please,@ please give it to me...'.@ @ *@ @ They sat together on a wooden bench outside the ticket office, @ watching trains arrive and spill their human innards across the @ platform. It was a small station, yet it had a chaotic, busy @ atmosphere- almost as though it was a huge machine powered only by @ impetuous movement.@ "You're not comin' are you?" said Sarah, picking her nails.@ Dutch thought for a while, before deciding, "No, I'm stayin' here. I@ need to be on my own."@ "Thought so." she glanced up at him. "I know how you think, you @ know. I can tell what you're gonna say to me next."@ "Yeah." he shrugged. "Maybe you can... but listen love, you've like-@ made an impression on me you know. I'm really glad I met you, I mean @ that."@ "Will I ever see you again?"@ "Definitely."@ "When?"@ "Couple of days, perhaps. A week at the most. I'll turn up, don't @ worry. You'll like Dorothy, she's easy-going and full of life. She's @ the kind of woman you can't look at without smilin'... you know?"@ Sarah nodded. "She sounds okay."@ She began to fidget worriedly.@ "Oi," Dutch nudged her. "Cheer up, you'll be alright. I might even @ miss you, yellin' at me to hold your hand and stuff."@ "Yeh." she wanted to burst into tears again. "I'll miss that too."@ Without warning, Dutch held up the first ornament she'd taken a @ fancy to on the elderly women's eastern market-place.@ "Went back and got it." he said grinning. "Piece of useless crap in@ my opinion, but... well, you need somethin' to remember me by don't@ you?"@ Sarah fingered the treasure gently, speechless with gratitude. It @ was the first `special' present she'd ever been given: it marked the @ peak of a friendship, the end of loneliness, and the beginning of a @ new adventure.@ "I'd have preferred the pink one," she said.@ The train to York arrived in their next silence, and they both stood@ up to watch the carriages grind to a halt. There was a long hug during@ which a kiss tried to develop (but failed) and then nothing- they @ stood apart, aware of the fact they might never touch again.@ "I'm scared, I've never bin on a train before." Sarah whimpered. "I@ won't be able to read any of the signs, can't you come with me?"@ "You'll be okay. Just hold on to your ticket and get out when@ everybody else does. Ask if you're not sure where you are. And don't@ forget- Dorothy wears royal blue and she looks like the Queen mother.@ If you can't find her, wait in the carpark. Okay? Go on hurry up it'll@ be setting off again in a second. Go!" @ He pushed her gently into the vehicle and closed the door behind @ her. She put her hands to the glass and started talking again, but @ Dutch didn't hear a word. He just winked and gave her a thumbs up.@ An attendant yelled something across the platform, and the train @ jerked into movement. Dutch felt a fragment of his heart shatter as@ the carriages thumped and Sarah drifted away like a poster on a@ subway wall... still talking to the window.@ He watched until the fearsome snake twisted and vanished into the@ distant hillside. He then turned, dry cigarette in his mouth, hands @ in pockets, and headed back out onto the streets.@ @ @ (Approx. 3500 words) @ @ |