I don't really think M*A*S*H needs a plot , it's just a simple war game but ...

The Plot -

Six feet below the surface , something began to move . At first it was hardly
detectable , but soon it was thrashing around wildly desperately trying to 
reach the air . Clawing through layers of earth it eventually broke free of
the topsoil and poked it's head out for the first time in 150 years . It was
pleased to notice the rich garlands of flowers and wreaths which had been 
religously left there by his devoted fanatical followers .

"Aaaah ! It's Elvis ! Elvis ! He's back from the dead ! Rejoice ye sinners , 
for he was not abducted by aliens as reported in the popular press , nor was
he involved in some intricate scheme to get himself out of the public eye .
Hooray ! He did in fact overdose on drugs while sitting on the toilet ! "
screamed a loyal Elvis fan .

" Hey Baby ... " said Elvis , who it must be said was looking much thinner
than when he died , " Know where I can get some Living Flesh ? I'm a little ..
Uhh ... hungry Babe . 

"Oh please Elvis ! Eat me ! Eat me ! " his fans shouted in unison . So he did.

Yes , it was Judgement Day , the dead walked the Earth as complete 
cannibilistic zombies eating everybody left , right and center . "666" clubs
sprang up all over the world , the " Carve the number of the Beast onto your
forehead " craze swept the planet . People even started beginning to pray .

But of course , Modern Science wasn't going to take this lying down , hell no !
At once they began coming up with newer and better weapons for wiping corpses.

But , alas , as Judge Death is wont to say " Foooollsss !!! , Yoou cannnott 
killll whatt dooesss nott livvve !!! "  

It was discovered that you had to blow the corpses into very , very small 
pieces to stop them dead . Also there was the fact that it took on average
15 soldiers to kill one corpse ( they were very hungry you see ) and what with
the dead outnumbering the living 30 to 1 the odds were set against the good 
									guys.

Ah , but enter Maximillian Kerechovsky that pure blooded Italian aristocratric
gadabound with a solution :

"'Tis quite simple . Genetically engineer some psycho rabbits with surgically
implanted weaponry and set them wild to do what rabbits do and viola ! No more
dangerously anti-social dead folk upsetting our suburban life styles ."

This ingeneously ingeneous plan actually succeeded quite well for a while ,
as the Living Dead were only really interested in human flesh . But just when
it seemed that mankind actually had a future , tragedy struck !
In New York a rabbit blew the legs off a corpse and sent the torso sailing 
through the air . It then landed on a bookcase and by a bizarre series of
coincedences involving 34 hairpins and the earths magnetic field , a bowling
ball struck the rabbit on the head , making it slightly dizzy .

The animal rights fanatics made a martyr out of Kim the Bunny . ( No offence
to any animal rights people , it's just the fanatics I can't stand ! )
Worldwide reports of this inhumane cruelty to rabbits caused global rioting ,
eventually resulting in them being withdrawn from active service and pensioned
off for the rest of their natural lives .

So what was mankind to do ? They couldn't defend themselves and they couldn't
get dumb animals to do it either . The guy who suggested Heat Seeking dolphins
got himself lynched . 

Just as all looked lost , that other wealthy tax evader Kamir Kopinkepel had
an idea . In his own words he described it as " a new form of warfare even
more devestating than the Psycho Rabbit Project .... Vegetarianism ! "

The animal rights guys said " um ... fair enough " , but the Plants Rights 
(  all two of them ) were not very happy . Thus it was that the first sentient
red potato was born in a test tube in the Killer Potato Technologies Institute
of Moscow . Two days later in portugal Waldo Polio's rival firm , Genocidal
Tubers Incorporated , created an almost identical blue potato . Both firms
released their products on the same day and within the week nothing was left
either alive or undead on the face of the earth ( except the two warring 
								factions.)
The problem was this :

Deep within the humble tuber's very limited genetic memory , lies the Group 
Psyche , for potatoes are in fact telepathic . The one overriding thought
contained in there is "Oooow ! Stop ! Aaargh ! Not the deep fat fryer !"
When the spuds where given sentience they were not in a happy mood . After 
experiencing a centuries long holocaust they were feeling a little bit
Xenophopbic , even of other breeds of potato . 

So we find them happily annihilating each other on the barren sterile surface
of what used to be earth .

And yes , I did just make all that up off the top of my head !

			Chris Gregan 95
   
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