; This is a tagline file for Q-Blue. Blank lines and lines beginning ; with a semicolon (like this one) are not counted as usable taglines. ; Taglines about how cool Q-Blue, Blue Wave, and Amigas are: ; ========================================================== Q-Blue: the reason they had to invent the Amiga. Why settle for less than Q-Blue? Q-Blue: the first offline reader worthy of the Amiga. Computers are tools, but the Amiga is an instrument. Blue Wave is to QWK as AmigaDOS is to MS-DOS. If you're stuck with QWK, at least use Q-Blue. It's not as bad that way. My other computer is another Amiga. Thank God for Jay Miner. Otherwise I'd be stuck with a Macintosh. Why is Amiga better? No Intel inside, that's why. Windows = suit & tie, Mac = cool shades, Amiga = high heels & leather Windows = Christianity, Mac = Buddhism, Amiga = pagan sex magick Windows = Republican, Macintosh = Democrat, Amiga = anarchist ; Taglines for insulting other computer systems: ; ============================================== Friends don't let friends use MS-DOS. QWK: the MS-DOS of offline mail formats. Windows: the McDonald's of operating systems. Windows? Foutjuuuuh bedankt! MS-DOS is to a real OS as "creation science" is to paleontology. MS-DOS: if you believe in a flat Earth, this is the OS for you. What? The second letter is an S? I thought it was "McDos". Unix: the operating system of the future of the past. Single tasking? Just say no! VirusScan: MS Windows found. Delete? (Y/y) Using a single-tasking computer is a sign of low self esteem. I admit it, I tried Windows, but I didn't inhale. MS Windows causes deafness and hair loss when used by laboratory rats. Windows: celebrating fourteen years of continuous obsolescence. Crime has increased steadily with sales of MS-DOS. Coincidence? MS-DOS: the Dwight D. Eisenhower of operating systems. And there were plagues of locusts, and frogs, and MS-DOS, and MS Windows. Joe McCarthy would have wanted everyone to use MS Windows. If at first you don't succeed, create an "NT" version. Support group for survivors of MS-DOS now forming. Three mouse buttons may be too many, but one is sure not enough. MicroSoft tech support: "Remove all useful utilities from your system." Windws is ine for bckgroun comunicaions - Bll Gats, 192 Windows 95: so intuitive it only needs 4.5 megs of help files. If MS Windows sucked it would be good for something. I am Microsoft of Borg. The superiority of other products is irrelevant. Welcome to Hell, sinner. Here is your 386SX with Windows and DoubleSpace. Momma don't 'low dat messydos garbage round here. -- H. Sullivan "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates OS/2: a better Windows than Windows... but still a Windows. Macintosh: the etch-a-sketch you don't have to shake. Coming soon from Microsoft: EDLIN for Windows. Macintosh: the computer with training wheels you can't remove. Windows 3.1: the training wheels are bigger than the bicycle. A better way to DoubleSpace your disk: DEL C:\WINDOWS\*.* I replaced Windows with a pack of playing cards. My new Pentium is so fast it can bake a potato in eight minutes! 8088 = model T Ford. Pentium = supercharged 400 horsepower model T Ford. Adding 100 to 486 made 585.99982740613, so they named it "Pentium". Pentium compatibility test: (1.0 * X) / X < 1.0 At Intel, quality is job 0.99999528470361. Function call to load Windows/NT: Sooooeee_pig_pig_pig_pig() Intel is one of Silicon Valley's top toxic waste polluters. Good thing the FTC makes them put on those "Intel Inside" warning labels. The Goddess is not anorexic and does not use Microsoft Word. Intel Pentium III: engineered for full CP/M compatibility. ; Taglines about how hackers are cool: ; ==================================== foo. Hackers do it till dawn. 3.141592653589793238462643383279502883197116939937510... I forget the rest If hackers ran the world there'd be no war. A lot of accidents, maybe... Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. Hackers stay UP all night. Hackishness is next to Godliness. ; (If you are a hacker yourself, remove the semicolons from these:) ; I am morally superior to you because I hack. ; Hackito ergo sum. ; My doctor says my blood type is C double-positive. ; Computer and technically oriented gags and catchphrases: ; ======================================================== RTFM. Guru Meditation #8100000B.466F6F21 Insufficient memory: add 64 megs and retry Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mist aches. Overflow on null device; please empty the bit bucket. What's worse, a part missing or a part left over? It takes a Real Man to sit indoors all day doing this. "[NR]"? Shame on you! It will be released in four weeks. They promised me. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del to continue. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. Remember: "Always mount a scratch monkey." The Oracle has pondered your question deeply. You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. This tagline made from 100% recycled electrons. This tagline uses advanced Object Oriented technology. Job not found: (A)bort (R)etry (W)elfare Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for life. Strike any user to continue. I have two computers. Can I breed them? CanaDOS: Yer sure, eh? (B)eauty! (N)o way! (T)ake off! MinneSota-DOS: You tink so? (Y)ah sure you betcha (I) dunno (U)ff da KlingonDOS error: Command or filename without honor SWF, blonde, stacked, seeks appreciative gentlemen. No sysops. If it's on fire, it's a hardware problem. Wise man say, do not buy computer from man who sell radios. It said "insert disk #3" but only two would fit. I'd trust him about as far as I'd trust a programmer with a soldering iron. "Free software breeds freeloaders." -- M. Pollard Philosophical error: Demonstrate the existence of a key to continue Don't be hesitant. Digital electronics can smell fear. It works! Now, if only I could remember what I did... This version of reality will have certain limitations until you register. C:\DOS\SYSTEM\OS2\UTILITIES\DOCS\HELP\WHERE\THE\F$#%\AM\I??? My keyboard is broken. This O is upside-down. ; Murphy-isms: ; ============ The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. Anthony's Theory: "The more detailed the map, the more lost you get." When man builds better mousetraps, nature builds better mice. "Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether." -- Fahnstock Confusion not only reigns, it pours. Shirley's Law: "Most people deserve each other." "No matter what they're talking about, they're talking about money." Sevareid's Rule: "The chief cause of problems is solutions." DiSimoni's Rule of Cognition: "Believing is seeing." Walton's Law of Politics: "A fool and his money are soon elected." If you can remember the '60s, then you weren't there. Those who can't teach, administrate. "The side with the simplest uniforms wins." -- Major Mark Cancian Sattinger's Law: "It works better if you plug it in." Cole's Law: "Thinly sliced cabbage." ; Tom Swifties: ; ============= "Next time buy the two-ply kind," said Tom roughly. "Watch out for that slicing machine," Tom said offhandedly. "Careful with that power saw," said Tom disarmingly. "I'll have to convert to float," Tom realized. "I just forgot to increment the counter," said Tom, nonplussed. "We need a home run hitter," said Tom ruthlessly. "I enjoy making bicycle wheels," Tom spoke up. "Turn down the treble," Tom intoned. "My stereo's half fixed," said Tom monotonously. "I'm taking one from the top shelf," said Tom high-handedly. "I just love Chinese food", said Tom wantonly. "Woops, I dropped my toothpaste," Tom said, crestfallen. "Boy, that sure took the wind out of my sails!" said Tom disgustedly. "Meet Greg and Gary", said Tom gregariously. "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. "Go to the back of the boat", Tom said sternly. ; Taglines derived from entertainment and classics of literature: ; =============================================================== The Vogons are NOT the worst poets in the Galaxy, and I can prove it. "Brave Sir Robin ran away..." "Stranded in the gas station of love..." There are Monkey Boys in the facility! "This is abuse. Arguments are down the hall." "The BBC would like to apologize for that last apology." I object to all this sex on the television. I keep falling off. Adam West is tied to a giant waffle iron! How will he escape? There was this... this... and it... forget it, you wouldn't understand. "Een rondje Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, en neem er zelf ook een!" "You wouldn't dare say that if I had my writers here!" -- Jack Benny "FORTY-TWO!" "What else floats?" "Very very small rocks?" "Well, what's that I see?" "A Spartan message-staff." "It is an art form to hate New York City properly." -- Pat Conroy "You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith, Too." -- C&W Song "Your mother sent me up here to kill you." -- B. Cosby "What's gon' be next, the doodoo police?" -- Mojo Nixon "Rabbit au gratin de gelatine under tooled leather... drool, drool!" "Breathe, stupid! You forgot to breathe!" "Money isn't everything." "Name me one thing it isn't!" "Your money or your life!" "I'm thinking it over." I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes. "I hate it! It's revolting!" "Would you like another?" "Yes, please!" I left my tart in Aunt Fran's Crisco... "Is it dead?" "Well, it was coughin' up blood last night." Wee fish ewe a mare egrets moose, panda hippo gnu deer. How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a cab? "That mountain doesn't reach all the way to the ground." "Youth is about sex, drugs, pizza, and more sex." -- Nikki Sixx I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. "The head is the best part." -- Siouxsie "From this strange confusion grows a perverse communication" -- Siouxsie " " -- Marcel Marceau "That's a lot more mature than I think I care to be." -- Calvin "Every time I've built character, I've regretted it." -- Calvin G = Guns, PG = Plenty of Guns, PG13 = more than 12 guns. Alec Eiffel... "They didn't want it but he built it anyway!" As I pondered, weak and weary, on the latest conspiracy theory... Do not swim in green slime or lava, unless you have a biosuit. WIRED: the magazine that still takes Marshall McLuhan seriously. "We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities." -- Pogo "We'll help you pay for your sins." -- Eric McFadden "I hope you die and leave me all your pain." -- Eric McFadden "I'm so damn happy I think I'll eat some feral swine." -- Eric McFadden "Live long and perspire." -- Eric McFadden "Love has come to punish my sins." -- Eric McFadden ; (some Tom Lehrer:) Second fiddle's a hard part, I know / When they don't even give you a bow "But it's not against any religion / To want to dispose of a pigeon" Hark, the Herald Tribune sings / Advertising wondrous things "Now a pestering sister's a festering blister, you'd best-a resist her" "My soul is on fire, I'm aflame with desire, which is why I perspire..." Make me scream with pain, then kick me once again, & say we'll never part Darling, if you smell something burning, it's my heart. (urp) ; Moomie are dance the dance of new. Gone are Lupo. Come are man. ; "Akbar... All these years I've been peeing in the bathroom sink." -- Jeff ; "My heart is broke / but I have some glue / help me inhale" -- Cobain ; Political foolishness and opinionated rhetoric: ; =============================================== Nobody for President! Who balanced the budget? Nobody, that's who. What is "obscenity"? Whatever gets the judge excited. Old McDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. EIEIO. A bureaucracy can outwait anything. Planet 98% full. Delete politicians? (Y/y) "If frogs had wings, they'd let down their tail." -- George Bush "I have my Texas hunting license here." -- George Bush, alleged Texan "I'm for Mr. Reagan, blindly." -- George Bush, November 1984 "I think I'm a charismatic son of a gun." -- George Bush "Those are two hypo-rhetorical questions." -- G. Bush to M. Dukakis "Watch out; overdose of charisma!" -- G. Bush on himself and R. Reagan "I didn't need a dog because I have Barbara Bush." -- George Bush "I'm not the most articulate emotionalist." -- George Bush New word being used in Japan: "Bushuru", to vomit. "I'm not an intellectual." -- Ronald Reagan "Facts are stupid things." -- Ronald Reagan, 1988 ; "Why don't you go fuck yourself?" -- Errol Flynn to Ronald Reagan "Ronald Reagan is the most breathtaking new thinker around." -- Gingrich "He was only 14 and he was burned out on marijuana." -- Nancy Reagan "We've got the best health care plan there is..." -- George Bush "If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure." -- Quayle "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Quayle "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Quayle "We are the greatest planet on Earth." -- Quayle "We all lived in this century. I did not live in this century." -- Quayle "Public speaking is very easy." -- J. Danforth Quayle We're from the government. We're here to kill you. "Politics": from poli = many, tics = blood-sucking parasites "Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger." -- Abbie Hoffman "Empathy is the most revolutionary emotion." -- Gloria Steinem Limbaugh... Limbaugh... Isn't that some kind of stinky cheese? Barney is the Conspiracy's way of preparing children for Rush Limbaugh. The bigger the amount you steal, the lighter your sentence when caught. "The first million is the hardest." -- Cornelius Vanderbilt "An avidity to punish is always dangerous to liberty." -- Tom Paine "More businesses die from indigestion than starvation." -- David Packard "That's one of mah PEE-rogatives." -- LBJ after whizzing on SS man's shoe "Justice is incidental to law and order." -- J. Edgar Hoover "In time of war the first casualty is truth." -- Boake Carter "We stand for the maintenance of private property." -- Hitler "To be a success, promise everything, deliver nothing." -- Napoleon The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. "The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it." -- Hoffman "One Galileo in two thousand years is enough." -- Pius XII ; If you're left of center, SEE THE ADDITIONAL FILE "Liberal-taglines". ; Bloopers and accidental witticisms allegedly taken from real newspapers: ; ======================================================================== Headline: City Wants Dead To Pay For Cleanup. Headline: Coal Miners Refuse To Work After Death. Headline: Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case. Headline: Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant. Headline: Low Pay Reason For Poverty, Study Says. Headline: No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim. Headline: Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers. Headline: Prostitutes Appeal To Pope. Headline: Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim. Headline: Prisoners Escape From Prison Farm After Execution. Newspaper Ad: Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Newspaper Ad: Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Newspaper Ad: Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Newspaper Ad: Widows made to order. Send us your specifications. ; Double and single entendres and juvenile "adult" taglines: ; ========================================================== ;;; (I'll include a few examples -- remove the ";" to actually use them) ; Knock firmly but softly. I like soft firm knockers. ; The average person has one ball and one tit. ; Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty boys? ; "Oral self-stimulation is possible," admitted Tom, swallowing his pride. ; "I am NOT a gay necrophiliac," said Tom, in dead Earnest. ; I have a rope and an ostrich feather, and I know how to use them. ; "Isn't there any other part of the matzoh they cook?" -- M. Monroe ; "I'm selfish. I wear them with the ribs on the inside." -- Kurt W. ; What's the difference between a dog and a fox? Five beers. ; I'm mooning you right now; you just can't see me. ; I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for! ; Wise man say, OK to meet girl in park but better to park meat in girl! ; A hand in the bush beats two on the bird. ; All Klingons have big tits. ; New male birth control pill! Put it in your shoe and it makes you limp. ; Wise homilies and fatuous platitudes: ; ===================================== Old soldiers never die -- young ones do it for them. Does war decide who's right? Only who's left. If the people lead, the leaders will follow. With freedom comes responsibility. If only the reverse were as certain. Can one really be ethical through following someone else's rules? Every tradition was once a heresy. Every valuable idea offends someone. What do we learn from history? That we learn nothing from history. Do not attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance. -- Hanlon Two monologues do not make a dialogue. -- DeNever Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. Virtue is its own punishment. Today is the last day of your life... so far. We ALL live "downstream." Hypocrisy is the K-Y Jelly of social intercourse. "Masturbation is to sex as philosophy is to real life." -- K. Marx "Darkness reigns at the foot of the lighthouse." -- Japanese Proverb Smokers: They're a dying breed. Think twice before you think. No matter what it is, it's more important than housework. The Earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much bigger. The truth shall make you free, but first it shall piss you off. And Lao-tse said: Those who know don't tell; those who tell don't know. Don't lend people money. It causes amnesia. Don't argue with people stupider than you. You can never win that way. The dustpan that the dirt can be swept into is not the true dustpan. Don't be sexist. Chicks hate it. Never trust anyone who says "trust me". Except just this once. "...people who have no vices have very few virtues." -- A. Lincoln "Housework, done properly, can kill you." -- Erma Bombeck "Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat." You are a completely unique individual, just like everybody else. When the gods want to punish you, they answer your prayers. -- O. Wilde Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. If the solution were that simple, the problem would never have existed. If you're not making waves, you're not rowing the boat. Happiness can't buy money. "Limitations are stepping stones to creativity." -- Joel Corn Annoy the opposition -- cite fact. Life is a bitch, but some of the puppies are cute. Eat a live toad for breakfast, and nothing worse will happen that day. If a church wants to teach humility, it ought to learn it first. I quit school because it was interfering with my education. - John Brunner If it happens, it must be possible. The Company loves misery. Hate your life? Don't worry, it will eventually go away by itself. Caution: living too long may be fatal. Incoming fire has the right of way. Never eat anything bigger than your head. Honesty's the best policy but insanity's a better defense. Never feed your cat anything that doesn't match the carpet. Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official. The words of the prophets are written in the tagline files. Math and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive. An unbreakable toy is often useful for breaking other toys. Gravity is the chief cause of airplane crashes. Avoid that run down feeling. Stay on the sidewalk. Your reward for a job well done: more work. If you don't like getting old, consider the alternative. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. Monday is the root of all evil. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Sometimes silence is not golden, it's yellow. Never judge a book by its movie. It's dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. A metaphor is like a simile. Being a pain in the ass is a prerogative of the creative mind. "For youthe and elde is often at debaat." -- G. Chaucer The best things in life aren't things. Where there's a will... there's a relative. "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." -- Kathleen Casey Theisen The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is. - Shaw First law of sociology: "Violence in, violence out." Women are like fires. They go out if left unattended. Things economists don't teach you #47: the sun is a free lunch. Dominate the perverted subadigm! Your mistakes are not behind you until you face them. An axiom of law enforcement: Action proves intent. bumper sticker: Mean people suck. Be suspicious of all non-native-born Esperanto speakers. Young's Principle: All of us want to peel our own bananas. A crisis is when you can't say "Let's forget the whole thing." A thief believes that everybody steals. No raindrop considers itself responsible for the flood. There's nothing you need to hear in any voice without compassion. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. "Americans love bigness, mostly because they feel so small." - P. Slater Many wish to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity. No woman ever shot a man when he was doing dishes. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. Be careful when playing under the anvil tree. People will believe anything if you whisper it. "We are all someone else's Devil." -- Messadie At bottom, it's always about money. Except when it's about sex. "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." -- Bombeck When seeking research funding, it is best to know the result in advance. "Be careful reading health books; you might die of a misprint." -- Twain "Nothing is illegal if 100 businessmen decide to do it." -- A. Young Whatever hits a fan will not be evenly distributed. It sure is easy when you're telling someone else how to do it. "There is no remedy for sex but more sex." -- Anon It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. "It is the business of the future to be dangerous." -- Hawkwind Only borrow from pessimists. They won't expect their money back. "Women like silent men. They think they're listening." -- M. Archaud "If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys." -- J. Goldsmith Always hire a rich attorney. Never buy from a rich salesman. Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. "Hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life." -- Hoffer The most popular labor saving device is a rich spouse. There's no sense being pessimistic, it won't work anyway. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." - Getty "Anyone can hate; it costs to love." -- J. Williamson Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers. Didn't your mother teach you never to steal anything small? ; Miscellaneous witticisms and wastes of disk space: ; ================================================== One Nation, under God, with Liberty, Large Fries, and a Coke, to go. Odd fact: nobody in a beer commercial ever has a beer belly. Take my advice. I don't use it anyway. I think I just heard something hit a fan. Atheist: one with no invisible means of support. Removal of this tagline is prohibited by law. There is nothing like an ice cream cone in your armpit. And the Lord said, "Thou shalt not leave hairs unsplit." Christianity: Judaism for Windows. He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly. "Nobody goes there any more, it's too crowded." -- Yogi Berra I can't walk on water, but I can stagger on alcohol. I just washed my brain and I can't do a thing with it. Some mornings it's just not worth gnawing through the straps. Childish game: One at which you cannot beat your spouse. A dog, a plan, a canal. Pagoda! -- palindrome alpha version A man, a plan, a canal. Suez! -- palindrome beta version Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes. Palindrome: Now Ned, I am a maiden nun... Ned, I am a maiden won! Palindrome: Snug & raw was I ere I saw war & guns. I eat my coffee straight from the can. Why dilute it? Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. "Meow" "Woof" Jeez, it's really raining today. "Sure, when--" OINK OINK "Well, I'll be!" Dawn crept silently across the yard... searching for her car keys. Whoever decided to limit these taglines to a single line can just kiss my Judgin' by the taste, I'd say the other one's Shinola. Have you noticed how many drivers get real mad if they miss you? It's clever, but is it art? I'll be normal when I'm dead! Be reasonable. Let's do it my way. You say money can't make me happy? Prove it to me. Looks like another case of Clue Deficit Disorder. Jesus appears at disco; states "I've risen and I can't get down" Only an idiot actually READS taglines. Could you please be a bit less specific? Mommy Mommy, there's a strange man in my head! Are dog biscuits made from Collie Flour? I am having an out of money experience. Artificial Reality Test Site "Daddy, what's this for?" Go ahead, make yourself at home... you can start by doing the dishes. Sheer SIZE! Farfignewton: a long way to the next cookie. It's tourist season? Then we can shoot them, right? I'm sorry, I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. These two nuns go into a bar... "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Don't do that, then!" "Am I going to die, doctor?" "Trust me, it's the last thing you'll do." If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need a doctor! Just what chicken and which road are we talking about? uh... uh... I forget. Contents may have settled during shipping. Objects in mirror are stupider than they appear. The moving cat sheds, and having shed, moves on. Drink your coffee! There are poor people in India sleeping. Instant human: just add coffee. Where am I going? And what am I doing in this handbasket? A Stoic brings the baby; a Cynic is where you bathe it. I should have quit while I was not as far behind. Your fifteen minutes are up. You non-conformists are all alike. I think I think, therefore I think. (I think...) Help the environment. Recycle your boss. Dyslexics of the world, untie! If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws. We are everywhere! Unfortunately, so are they. Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? Please save your burned out bulbs for me -- I'm building a darkroom. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? This message has been cruelly tested on cute furry little animals. You will get a fair trial, after which you will be shot. I tried to play my shoehorn but all I got was footnotes. Look at it sideways. You don't buy beer, you only rent it. You owe "Bob" a living. Ivan Stang says "Bob" said it; I believe it; that settles it. As "Bob" tells us, too much is always better than not enough. X-day: Dallas, 7:00 AM, July 5, 1998. Woops! Make that July 5, 8661. I say, put Schroedinger in the box and see how HE likes it. You can't have everything... where would you put it? Incontinence Hotline... can you hold? The conspiracy you've uncovered is just a front for the REAL conspiracy. That's just what I'd expect a dupe of the Conspiracy to say! I am not a rumor monger. I am simply passing on what I have heard. I am going to be assertive, if that is okay with you. What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? My tagline is better than your tagline. Zen Master to hotdog vendor: "Make me one with everything." I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. He's very careful with facts. So much so that he never touches them. "Cease, in the name of everything that doesn't suck!" -- Butthead Blow up your car. It's really fun. I'm working on my second million dollars... I gave up on the first. If I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails. Do you even know WHAT your children are? "Onnngh Yannngh" (Barrington Hall Memorial Tagline) It tastes just like chicken. Try this chicken. It tastes just like rattlesnake. Get thee down. Be thou funky. "I admit I am powerless over taglines and my life is unmanageable." Kill your television. How to make your wife angry during sex: call her up. Wench: What you use to turn the head of a dolt. Those darn Unitarians burned a question mark on my lawn! Latest figures show the death rate remaining steady at one per person. Self made men have one common problem: they worship their maker. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Life: a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate. Frog philosophy: Time's fun when you're having flies. Well shucky darn and slop the chickens. The law says you can have only one spouse. This is called monotony. Is that "woof" feed me; "woof" walk me; "woof" there's a burglar? What?? After analyzing all 26 plans, I find the optimum strategy is to run away. Scratch & Sniff [ ] Smells like glass, doesn't it? I'm going to grow birds. I planted some birdseed yesterday. Cats rule. Dogs drool. Life is a car wash and I'm on a bicycle. For more information, send a self-obsessed stomped antelope. I have two pets: a large main dog, and a small emergency backup one. Why do we park in the driveway and drive on the parkway? I will never repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time. It's cheaper to drag the Joneses down to your level. I embrace poverty! To annoy me, send money. My cat wasn't broke, but I had it fixed anyway. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. If a tree fell on a florist, would he make a sound? I'd love to, but I'm building a pig from a kit. Pleasant Valley Pheasant Pluckers. Pleasant Valley Pheasant Pluckers. Wonder bread: less nutritious than Kleenex, but more absorbent. And God separated light from dark, and did two loads of laundry. Lye, Begg, Borrough, and Steele, attorneys at law Read enclosed instructions carefully before opening. The ultimate San Francisco drink: a chardonnay+espresso "coffee cooler". And God smote Egypt with a plague of zucchini... Kill your WebTV. ; Taglines that only work with IBM high-ascii characters: ; ======================================================= am I ¨umop apisdn The worst thing about censorship is ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ. PROTECTO First Pull Up   Then Pull Down ÈÊÊooÊʼ Hey Rocky, watch me pull a tagline outta my hat!!