@2 _________ .¾¾¾¾¾¾¾¾¾¾¾. @1 ___________________@2 ¦¤' ¯~`¤¤'¯`T @1 / \@2 (____________l @1 / @6 BLUDDY@1 \@3 T~(__#6©@3)¬(_#6©@3)T@1 \ @6 BIRTHDAY'S@1 / @3 | _ ¬ \ ¬_l @1 \____ _____________/@3 | / , ) \|@1 ___/ /@3 ( `@2 ______@3 '| @1 (____/@3 @3 __ \..@2¯ ---¬@3 .j __@1@3 ¯¬\::..:..:/¯¯ ¯¬¯¯¬¯¬¯ *3#8 WEE BOABY'S SHOUT ================= *2@4 Well after all my escapades I telt ye Aboot in the last Issue I had tae spend 2 Week lyin Flat on ma Face in the@2 "Royal Infirmary"@4, Ella came tae visit me, But wiz mair concerned to Know if I wiz wearing clean Underwear on the day in Question rather than be worried aboot the condition of ma Arse! Wimmen are funny aboot things like that! Aye saying@7 "Pit oan Clean Pants incase something happens"@4 then when something does!@3 WHIT HAPPENS ??? Aye ye SHIT YERSEL!@4 Its a funny oldlife! Anyway after 2 weeks I finally got tae go Hame, Christ but its nice tae get back tae yer ain bed! The problem wiz, I was sae used tae the Bluddy Hospital, That I couldn't sleep! So I got Up at around 3AM stuck on ma Bonnet and headed doonstair fur a Wee Cup o Tea. That wiz when I noticed it!.... A tiny Bittie oh Paper sticking up oot o the side o Ella's chair . Whit's This? I wondered ! And lo and behold it wiz an envelope ,.. And when I opened it----- Well I could hiv committed Hari-Kari there and then! Aye it wiz a @2 BIRTHDAY CARD@7 "Tae Ma Darlin Boaby--- Love and Kisses----ELLA . @3 OH CHRIST NO!@4 Am in trouble Noo! You see both Ella and Masel huv the same Birthdate, A quick check o Yesterday's Paper Showed that the day wiz oor BIRTHDAY. The problem Wiz, I Wiz Skint---Whit to do? A mean You Know whit the Wimmen are like aboot Birthdays an all that--Looks like I wiz headin fur the Doghoose! Well I sat there in the Chair, Worrying, Frettin and smoking Masel half tae Death until I heard Ella startin tae wander Aboot upstair! @3 AM OOT O HEAR@4 A thought! at least that'll gie me some breathin space, So off I goes, And as I paraded through the streets O Glasga, A plan came tae mind! At aboot 10 in the morning I dandered intae one o they@5 99p @4 shops @5"CLAPPERS"@4 or something it wiz called! I looked at the single assistant, A Bint o aboot 40 who looked as thick as two short planks, This will do nicely I thought tae masel! and started tae browse aboot the shelves. It wiz then I spotted a crackin wee ornament, A Black Lady we a Parasol thing,@2 NICE!@4 So I wandered aboot fur a while and then I picked up a@2 "PACK OF 3 TINS OF DOG FOOD"@4 I went up tae the counter and put the tins down, The assistant stuck the tins into a bag, Said @1 "Thats 99pence"@4 and handed me bag.@3 " OH EH ! WAIT KIN A SWAP THAT FUR SOMTHIN ELSE?"@4 I says tae hur. @1 AYE!@4 She replied So I returned tae the shelves and picked up a large tin oh @2 SHAVIN FOAM.@4 I returned tae the counter and the Assistant says @1 "THAT'S 99Pence SUR"@3 "OH WAIT- I'LL CHANGE THIS FUR SOMTHIN ELSE --OK?"@4 The assistant gave a big sigh and said @1 "I SUPPOSE SO!" @4 So of I wandered and picked up a card containing@2 A JUNIOR HACKSAW AND TWO SPARE BLADES@1 "99 PENCE"@4 said the assistant@1 "ARE YEA SURE THIS TIME?" @3"OH !... MAYBE NO"@4 Said I@3 "KIN I CHANGE IT?" @1 "OH BLUDDY HELL---HURRY UP I'VE NO GOT ALL DAY"@4 She said getting a wee bit Rattled. So again I wandered over tae the shelves and picked up@2 THE BLACK LADY ORNAMENT@1 "NOW ARE YEA SURE THIS TIME?"@4 She screamed at me@1 "ARE YEA BLUDDY POSITIVE! NAE MAIR CHANGIN YER BLUDDY MIND?" @3 "NO AM SURE THIS TIME I SAYS!"@4 and picked up the bag containing the wee ornament and started to walk away. @1 "HERE YEA WEE BLUDDY TOE RAG----THATS 99 PENCE!"@4 She cried @3 "WHIT IS ?"@4 I asked @1 "YER BLUDDY ORNAMENT, THATS WHAT, YEA HUV NAY PAID FUR IT!"@3 " OF COURSE NOT"@4 Said I@3 "I SWAPPED THIS FUR THE HACKSAW" @1 "AYE BUT YEA DIDNAE PAY FUR THE HACKSAW!" @3 " NO! I SWAPPED THAT FUR THE SHAVIN FOAM" @1 " BUT YEA DIDNAE PAY FUR THE SHAVIN FOAM-DID YEA?" @3 " NO! BUT I SWAPPED THAT FUR THE DOG FOOD DIDN'T I ??" @1 "AYE BUT YEA NEVER PAID FUR THE DOG FOOD!" @3 "NO! BECAUSE I DID NAE WANT THE BLUDDY DOG FOOD, DID I ? AND I GAVE YEA IT BACK, NOW YEA WANT ME TAE PAY FUR IT NAE CHANCE !" @4 And I walked oot o the shop leaving the Assistant trying tae Figure it all out! Now I hud ma wee ornament fur Ella, But she wid Ken it wizCheap an Nasty, Time fur part two o the plan! I Wandered aboot a couple o back streets until I came across what I wiz lookin fur. @2 A DEID BURD @4 A Wee Sparra lying there we its legs in the Air@2 "IDEAL"@4 so I picked up the deid burd and headed doon the road until I came tae@2 SAMUAL'S@4 the Jewellers Shop. I entered the shop holdin the deid burd in my Cupped hauns when the Assistant came up to me and said @5 "KIN A HELP YEA SUR?" @3 AYE!@4 said I@3 "A HUV A BADLY INJURED WEE BURD HERE, AM TAKIN IT TAE THE VETS" @5 "OH---ATSA SHAME "@4 said the assistant@5 "HOW KIN A HELP?" @3 "WEEL IF YEA COULD GIE ME ANE O YER BOXES TAE PIT THE BURD IN, IT WOULD BE MAIR COMFORTABLE!" @5 "AYE--NAE BOTHER"@4 and off she goes, Returnin wee a Samual's box and a carrier bag@5 "THERE YEA GO"@4 she said, And I gently laid the deid burd in the box. @3 "THANKS A LOT LUV...YEA HUV A HEART O GOLD..SO YEA HUV!" @5 "NO PROBLEM SUR...JUST YOU GET IT TAE THE VET...POOR WEE THING THAT IT IS" @4 So feelin quit pleased wee masel I left the shop, Flinging the deid burd back up the close where I found it! I returned home, Having placed the ornament in the box, and Said@3 "HAPPY BURTHDAY ELLA...HEN...HERE'S A WEE PRESENT FUR YEA!" @7 "OH BOABY! IT'S BEAUTIFUL....AND ITS FAE SAMUALS...IT MUST HAE COST YEA A PACKET?" @3 "AYE WELL YER WORTH EVERY PENNY ELLA...AND YEA KNOW THE QUALITY STUFF WHEN YEA SEE IT AS WELL" @7 "AYE! ITS SMASHIN...BOABY...HERE'S A WEE PRESENT FUR YOU!" @3 "O H ! ELLA THANKS VERY MUCH...YEA SHOULDN´T HAE BOTHERED!" I opened my Present@2 " A LOVELY PAIR O CORDUROY TROUSERS AND SOME NICE RED BRACES"@3 "THERE LOVELY!...THANKS ELLA...I'LL FEEL A TOFF IN THESE" @4I said to her, Not knowing then, Whit I know now! Not even in my wildest dreams, Would I have believed that these braces would end up getting me admitted tae the Hospital again @6 BUT THAT'S THE NEXT STORY.....INIT ! ]5#8 Wee BOABY