From: barrett@astro.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: Frequently Asked Questions Which Are Asked Very Frequently Summary: Almost no BLAZEMONGER at all Keywords: lemons Pravda chimichanga I can't stand it any longa Date: 12 May 92 21:51:14 GMT Monthly Posting Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) comp.sys.amiga.advocacy INTRODUCTION ============ As regular readers of comp.sys.amiga.advocacy know, certain topics come up for discussion regularly. This document, assembled by the finest Amiga minds on this side of Chickenmilk, Wisconsin, explains the answers clearly and accurately, so people don't have to argue about them anymore. SECTION I: Computer Performance ================================ 1. Which is better/faster, 680x0 or 80x86 CPU's? Generally, the relative speed of a processor is found in the second digit of the model number. For example, the 68000, 68010, 68020, 68030, and 68040 all have an "8" as the second digit, so they are all roughly the same speed. Similarly, all the "80x86" processors have a "0" as the second digit. This implies that all 680x0 processors are faster than their 80x86 counterparts. But everybody knows that anyway. 2. What does the "x" mean in "680x0"? The "x" means "extra fast". The 680x0 processor, to be released sometime in 1993, is the fastest processor ever made by Motorola. 3. What is a "SPECmark"? Every computer has bugs. Sometimes, one will escape from inside the computer case, so you have to catch it and squash it. The small, bloody stain made by the bug's smashed body is called a "SPECmark." Generally, SPECmarks can be removed by soaking your computer in warm, soapy water. SECTION II: Mine is better than yours, nyah nyah! ================================================== 1. Should I buy an Amiga or a Mac? ...or a NeXT? ...or a PC? ...or a goat? Deciding which computer to buy is a very personal issue. It is difficult to get two people to agree on the same brand, let alone the same model. Our panel of computer experts has come up with a sure-fire, failure-proof method for buying the right computer. Simply follow these steps exactly, and we guarantee that you will choose a computer with appropriate power and capabilities. (1) Make a list of the software packages you want to run. (2) Examine your finances, and decide how much money you can afford to spend. Suppose this is N dollars (or whatever units of currency you prefer). (3) Go to the bank and withdraw N units of currency. (4) Go to your local computer dealer. (5) Wave the N units of currency in a salesperson's face, yelling "I can get my computer much cheaper by mail order!" Then walk out, looking smug. (6) Go home, and put the money under your mattress, in a box marked "Money". (7) Mail me your home address, and tell me which days you will be out of town. (8) Later that night, make a human sacrifice to the god M'Bitu under the light of a full moon. (9) Stand on one leg, tilt your head upward, and yell "Vooshie vooshie vooshie" repeatedly until you get tired. (10) Say the word "SPECmark" to several computer-literate people, and then nod knowingly. (11) Ask someone else which computer you should buy. Better yet, crosspost to ten or twelve USENET newsgroups, asking people which computer is best. Remember to write "No flames, please" at the bottom of your article, and leave the "Followup-To" line blank. 2. Does the Mac OS suck? When the Mac was first introduced, it filled a void in the IBM-dominated PC market. Filling a void is analogous to replacing a vacuum, so technically, the Mac does "suck" in that sense. There is a problem with this argument, however. Commodore's top-of-the-line Amiga 3000T has a 2-fan ventilation system and therefore sucks in a big way. This means that the "Amiga vs. Mac" argument is right back where it started, with the score tied 1 to 1. Rather than using this reasoning, it is generally safer just to yell "Macs SUCK" and then run away without explaining. 3. If fast PC clones cost less than an Amiga, why should anyone buy an Amiga instead? Amiga owners are a strange bunch. On the one hand, they are creative, knowledgable, and friendly. On the other hand, they are a strange bunch. Nobody knows exactly why people buy Amigas. Many famous researchers have puzzled over this issue for years, without success. The best-known theory was proposed by Professor Reginald Wanker of Snoot State University. His 415-page paper, entitled "The Phenomenon of Amiga Ownership Among the Tree-Chewing Gibbons of Antarctica" says, essentially, that Amiga owners are "a strange bunch" with "very long tails." 4. Which is better, Windows or Workbench? The consensus on USENET is that one of them is DEFINITELY better than the other. All of the evidence supports this belief, so nobody argues about it anymore. SECTION III: Commodore ======================= 1. Who is Irving Gould? Irving started out as a simple janitor's assistant and rose to become the reigning czar of Commodore Business Machines. His annual salary is reportedly forty-five zillion dollars per hour. Nowadays, he spends most of his time playing with his CDTV and recruiting Marketing people in local wineries. 2. Why doesn't Commodore do XXX? Because it's illegal. 3. Commodore stock just went [up|down]!! Is this [good|bad]?? [Yes|No|Maybe]. 4. Why does the Commodore Marketing Department never advertise the Amiga? They DO advertise. Just not to humans. SECTION IV: Blatant Commercial Announcement ============================================ What are those bizarre SOUNDS?!? Could it BE?!?! YES!!! Introducing... BLAZEMONGER 2.04 The most *compatible* game in EXISTENCE!! BLAZEMONGER 2.04 runs on ANYTHING: Amiga 500, 500+, 600, 1000, 1500, 2000, 2500, 3000, 3000T, CDTV... under EVERY version of the Amiga OS! Even TOTALLY BROKEN versions with THOUSANDS of KNOWN BUGS will run BLAZEMONGER 2.04 with NO DIFFICULTY!! Is your computer monitor broken? Is the CPU fried? NO PROBLEM!!! BLAZEMONGER 2.04 will run on ANYTHING! Heck, BLAZEMONGER 2.04 is so compatible it runs on TELEVISIONS, MICROWAVE OVENS, LIVE GOATS, and even HUMAN BODIES!! Just stick the BLAZEMONGER 2.04 disk into your mouth, bite down HARD, and BOOT UP!!! Buy BLAZEMONGER 2.04 today at your local purveyor of "ViolentWare" products! Look for our special store display: a twelve-meter-tall statue of the Grim Reaper being run through a CHEESE GRATER into a VAT of BOILING TAR. Yum!! SECTION V: Religious Issues ============================= 1. Which is better, C or assembly language? Both C and assembly have fallen out of style. Most serious programmers nowadays use a new language called "BLORT". BLORT lets programmers use whatever combination of languages they want, all mixed in the same file. For example, a typical BLORT program for "hello world" looks like: MODULE HelloWorld(defun write (x) (SAY #? > /dev/tty)) { .KEY string/a while ((c = getchar()) != EOF) begin MOVEM $r0 0x287BA9 task body is accept stdout end; 128 FORMAT "%s\n" "hello world" << 128 when not Thursday exit 0 Keeping with the humorous "GNU Software" tradition of recursive acronyms, "BLORT" actually stands for "Blort Lort Ort Rt T". 2. Is copy protection good or bad? Most companies nowadays agree that copy protection is bad. However, due to pressure from users who want the benefits that copy protection provides, companies have reluctantly added it to their products. Some companies who don't use copy protection have reported problems due to European "cracker" groups. These groups buy all the legitimate copies of the software, add copy protection, and then hide the disks in deep, underground vaults so nobody can use them. Obviously, this hurts sales -- when ordinary users go to the store, they discover that all the software is gone. SECTION VI: Other Questions =========================== If you need the answer to a question, but it is not found in this document, look for the article "Frequently Unasked Questions" (FUQ) which is posted forty times a day in the newsgroup comp.sys.amiga.vapor. Special thanks to everyone who contributed information for this FAQ article: Denise Agnus, Ozzy Ozbourne, Richard Nixon, Linus Pauling, Phyllis Schlafly, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Bill Griffith, Alan Turing, Vlad the Impaler, Kimba the White Lion, and the BLAZEMONGER "Customer Service" Department. Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author.