MISCELLANEOUS *** NO BRUSIN' SUSAN Susan's mother enrolled her in school. She instructed the teacher, "If my daughter gets unruly in class, just slap the girl next to her and it will intimidate Susan!" *** THE PAINTER A bum rang the doorbell of a house in a wealthy neighborhood. The maid opened the door. Bum: "Ma'am, could youse spare a sandwich?" Maid: "I'll make you a sandwich, but you'll have to work for it. Here, take this green paint around back and paint the porch." About an hour later the bum rang the front doorbell. Bum: "Well, I did what you asked. But that wasn't no Porsche, it was a BMW!" *** SPECIAL Craig, my wife's nephew, went to a convenience store to purchase charcoal that was on sale. He loaded up ten bags of charcoal in his shopping cart and went to the checkout stand. "I'm sorry sir," the cashier contested,"but you are limited to one bag of charcoal with a ten dollar purchase." "Yeah, I know," retorted Craig. "That's why I didn't buy ten dollars worth of goods-- I didn't want to be limited to one bag of charcoal!" The confused cashier rang up ten bags of charcoal at the sale price. *** TEXAS A Texan was being introduced to a Louisianian: "Louisiana? The Texan asked, "Isn't that an outlying province of Texas?" "Impossible!" said the Louisianian, "Nothing can outlie Texas!" *** ARKANSAS 12TH GRADE READING TEST SLICK WILLY, ADMINISTRATOR TEST #1 MR DUCKS! MR NOT! OSAR CM WANGS? LIB MR DUCKS! TEST #2 MR FARMERS! MR NOT! OSAR CMMT POCKETS? LIB MR FARMERS TEST #3 MR SNAKES! MR NOT! OSAR CM BDIS LIB MR SNAKES TEST #4 MR MICE! MR NOT! OSAR CMEDBD FEET? LIB MR MICE *** ARKANSAS POETRY LOOKIT JO SEEDEM GO TOUSAN BUZZES INARO NO JO DEMS TRUX SUMMIT COWS SUMMIT DUX *** HE'S OUT! Did you hear about the firefly that flew backwards into the fan? He was delighted no end. *** THE SEAT OF THE PROBLEM Did you year about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work. *** POOR We were so poor growing up that: 1 We couldn't pay attention. 2 We ate beans for breakfast, drank water for dinner, and swelled up for supper. 3 When we were robbed, all the robber got was practice. *** BIG MOUTH My girlfriend had such a big mouth that She could eat a banana sideways. Once, I took her to a football game. At the kickoff, the ball was heading for us and I yelled, "Duck!" "I don't see no duck," she said. And if she hadn't had her mouth open that football would have hit her right in the face. *** NOT MUCH OF A MAN A trucker was having a hamburger at a diner when a dozen bikers came in. One sat on his left side reached over and took a bite out of his hamburger. Another on his right took a sip of his coffee. The trucker quietly got up, paid the cashier and left. "Not much of a man," said a biker to the waitress. "Not much of a driver, either," said the waitress, "He just ran over a dozen motorcycles!" *** ABOUT HAWAII Well, Hilo, Hawaii? Fine, Oahu? *** OLD CURIOUS MIXTURE They're mixing Energine with Pepsi now. It not only hits the spot It removes it. *** GRANOLA COUNTRY California is granola country: The land of fruits, nuts and flakes. *** AUCTION A gentleman handed the auctioneer a note, which he read silently, and then made this announcement, "Mr. Jones has lost his wallet with 2000 dollars inside and he is offering 200 dollars." After a brief pause, a hand was raised in the crowd, and the man responded, "I'll bid 210!" (Paul Harvey) *** THE WAITRESS I was in a restaurant the other day. Finally the waitress arrived and asked, "You been waiting long?" "Nah," I answered,"I needed a shave before I came." She brought me some CHICKEN NOODLE soup. After tasting the soup, I commented, "I always wondered what they did with those CHICKEN HEADS." She poured me a cup of coffee. "This coffee tastes like mud!" I exclaimed. "It should," she responded, "It was GROUND this morning." There was a fly in my soup, so I queried, "What's that fly doing in my soup?" "Well, I don't rightly know," she replied, "But it looks like the breast stroke." Later she asked for a tip. "Don't play the horses," I advised. "I wouldn't bet on it," she countered. *** BUSINESS IS BUSINESS Two businessmen were talking on the phone: "I heard you're having a fire sale, Abe." "No, Sam, its a going-out-of business sale. Fire sale is next week." *** TRUE FRIENDSHIP I was talking with a fellow pastor: "We were visiting some friends..." "John," he interupted, "I didn't know you had any friends." *** CHINESE LAUNDRY I dropped some laundry off at a Chinese Laundry the other day. "I couldn't help but notice the name of your establishment, `Franz Heinz Laundry,'" I stated. "Well, it happened this way," he explained. "I was in line to apply for citizenship. The guy ahead of me was named Franz Heinz. When they asked me my name, I answered, `Sam Ting.'" *** KING OF THE JUNGLE A lion strutted to the center of a jungle clearing and let out a terrific ROAR. All the animals stampeded into hiding except a lone, frightened, shivering monkey. "Little monkey," the lion asked, "Why can't you ROAR like that?" The monkey replied meekly, "I been sick!" *** MOTHER'S ADVICE My mother used to tell me this every morning before I left for school: "Son," she would say, "Don't forget to breathe today. Just remember your father. He quit breathing and just look where it got him." *** YOU'LL GET A BANG OUT OF THIS Someone had been fishing with dynamite and the local game warden had and out-of-town game warden come in for a sting operation. The undercover game warden looked around and finally arranged a fishing trip with the suspect. Sure enough, when they had gone several miles the suspect pulled out a stick of dynamite lit it, and threw it into the water. The undercover officer said, "Don't you know that is illegal?" The fisherman calmly lit another stick and handed it to the officer, saying, "Are you going to just sit there and talk or are you going to fish?" *** WHO? "Johnny," the teacher asked. "Who discovered America?" "Who do you think, Teacher?" Johnny answered. "I don't think--I know!" she shot back. "Well, I don't think I know, either," Johnny responded. *** TALKING DOG How to get a talking dog: 1 Buy a good WATCHDOG. 2 Dip him in sheep dip to get rid of TICKS. 3 Then, all he will do is TOC. *** HONEST, ABE! Lincoln watched a lady cross the street who had a feather in her hat. When she tripped and fell, he exclaimed, "Look at that! A feather on one end, And down on the other!" *** TIME When Einstein wrote his Theory of Relativity, his wife commented, "It's about time!" *** IT'S TIME! The bald men's club moved again. Hair today, gone tomorrow. *** COMPLIMENT A friend would only have one date with a girl and she wouldn't go out with him again. "Try complimenting her," I suggested. The next day, I asked him if he got another date. "No." "Did you compliment her?" "Well, yes. I couldn't think of anything at first. I finally said, `You know, for a fat girl, you don't sweat much.'" (Andy Griffin) *** STRONGER My father-in-law carried a few groceries from the grocery store and commented, "I must be getting stronger-- I used not to be able to carry $10 worth of groceries." *** COMFORTER A drunk staggered down the aisle of flight #333. He fell against a seat and looked into the face of a baby, commenting, "Lady, that is the ugliest kid I ever saw!" The young mother burst into tears. A stewardess, attempting to comfort her, said, "May I bring you a drink or something?" "I'll have a Coke," she sobbed. The stewardess returned with the drink and said to her, "Here's your Coke." "And, Oh! Here's a banana for your monkey." *** TREED A young mother was pushing her baby in a baby carriage. Red Skelton came by, looked into the carriage and said, "Don't get him close to a tree, or you'll lose him!" (Red Skelton) *** OBSCENE Once upon a time, in the twenty-first century there lived a very busy businessman. In order to save time, he commissioned a genetic scientist to make a clone of himself. At first the clone worked out well. The clone attended less important meetings and made low-level decisions which saved the businessman time. However, something went wrong and the clone went bad--cursing, making bad decisions, etc. When he could take it no more, the businessman pushed the clone out of a fifty story window. The police were in a quandary. They could not charge him with murder. How can you murder yourself and still be alive? Finally, the district attorney settled with this charge: "We'll charge him with making an obscene clone fall." *** ALIEN CORN Once upon a time, somewhere in the universe, the good crew of the Enterprise went on a mission. They were to make first contact with a life form called The Furries. They were cute little fuzzballs with pleasant dispositions like Rush Limbaugh. After beaming down to the planet's surface, the Captain and the away team were taken down into a subterranean tunnel. Finally, they arrived at a cavernous throne room. There on a throne was a furry with a crown that looked like a hypodermic syringe. You guessed it! He was the Furry with the Syringe on Top. *** STOOGES Larry: "I'm positive!" Moe: "Only fools are positive!" Larry: "Are you sure?" Moe: "I'm positive!" *** TRAINED ANTS A inmate in a prison spent 10 years training an ant circus. After getting out of prison, he went into a bar opened a box and dumped his trained ants on the bar. "Hey, barkeep!" he said, while pointing, "See those ants?" "Pesky little things," the barkeeper replied as he squashed them with his thumb. *** ANOTHER FEDERAL HOLIDAY? It has been rumored that all federal offices will now close to honor George Birthington's Washday. *** GUESS WHAT, MISTER? A small boy approached a man standing near the door of a department store. "Mister, would you please hold this box while I go inside?" the boy asked? While he was holding the box it started leaking. "I wonder what it is?" he said to himself as he touched the liquid to his tongue. "Tastes like beer," he mumbled to himself. At that time the boy burst through the door with "Thanks, mister, for holding my puppy." *** HOW ABOUT BREAKFAST? If we had some bacon, we could have some bacon and eggs if we had some eggs. *** NAAPWT,IC,DC Send me a donation and you can join my exclusive club, the National Association for the Advancement of Po' White Trash, Incarcerated, Discombobulated, of which I am the lifetime president, treasurer and sole recipient. *** FLOOR SHOW Why did Goofy cut a hole in the carpet? He wanted to see the floor show. Why did he cover it up? He didn't want to see the hole show. *** STOP AND SHOP AD We buy junk and sell antiques. *** END