Humor for Today and Before!
(What Computer Techs really mean.)

I encountered problems when installing your drive.
(I plugged it in backwards. Now it is smoking.)

This computer is outdated.
(Actually we still sell these. I just want more money.)

It will take a few days.
(I could have it done in an hour, but I want to go through all of your files first.)

I could not find a replacement part.
(Actually, I want to sell you a new system. They only cost $2,000.00)

Please sign this disclaimer form.
(I have no idea what I am doing. At least this way, I canít be sued.)

I will have one of my techs look at it tomorrow.
(I am too tired to mess with it now. Iíll see what you are blabbing about tomorrow evening.)

What seems to be the problem?
(I am stalling for time. I have never seen a computer like this before.)

I think that I can have this ready tomorrow.
(ìRepair= $90.00 + Next day service $249.99. Hm... What a sucker.î)

It is fixed.
(There was no problem with this, I just charged you $800.00 for nothing.)

Your computer is ready.
(I fixed it temporarily. That way youíll be in again next week with another C note to fill my pocket.)

Come again soon.
(Youíll be back tomorrow when you notice that your
JAZ-2 Drive is missing.)

HUMOR for Today and before.
Phrase for the month:
Old fishermen never die; they just smell that way.

Deep, Deep, Deep Thoughts.......

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a
Phillips Screwdriver?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?

Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a Whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to Night Clubs? Shouldn't they wear nightgowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone tells you 'a penny for your thoughts' and you put your two cents
in, What happens to the other penny?

Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives
a race care isn't called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

if Horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.  Could it
be that 'I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that Models
can be deposed, Electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys can
be deranged, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman Paramedics refer to IV's and "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the
universe, you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has  wet paint
you will have to touch it to just to be sure?

If you take an oriental person and spin them around several times, do they
become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren"t people from Holland called
"Holes"?
 

Humor for Today and before
Doctors and Schizophrenic patients:

One of my patients is Schizo. I asked him his date of birth and he asked which one I wanted.

Mr. Schentwar was in my office today. You know, the guy with a multiple personality complex. I asked him if he had any previous heart problems and he responded: ìI donít, but I know I do.î

The difference between Arizona and yogurt:
Yogurt has an active culture.

New Payment Policy
A lawyer went to his doctor and complained about a sore throat.
His doctor asked him where it hurt.
He responded that it hurt everywhere,.
Then the doctor asked if he smoked.

He responded ìNoî.
The doctor asked if he had any allergies.
He responded ìYes, I am allergic to pollen.î.
The doctor prescribed an antihistamine.
The doctor gave him a bill for $52.00.
The lawyer gave the doctor a slip of paper on which was written:

1/2 hour time: $190.00
3 questions: $500.00
Paying pill: $395.00
Total: $1085.00 to be paid in full.

Three doctors were arguing about what kind of patients they like to operate on:
ìI like to operate on artistsî, said the first doctor.
ìTheir organs are colour coded.î
ìI like to operate on engineersî, said the second doctor.
ìTheir organs are arranged by numbers.î
ìI like to operate on lawyers.î, protested the third doctor.
ìThey are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable!î

With all the stupid people in the world, itís no wonder NATO is smart bombing everyone.
 

Three of the best oxymorons of all time:

3> Politically correct

2> McDonnalds Hamburgers

and the #1 oxymoron is:

1> Microsoft Works

Confucius say:
He who is here today and gone tomorrow doesnít know where he is.

One who has no mind has nothing to lose.

Gambling with money is like shooting at flies. Even if you hit one, youíll never know what happened.