˙˙00˙ ˙00˙01˙03˙01The Porno Accident˙00 ˙ ˙ ˙03˙02PUH / AGONY ˙01˙01˙00˙ ˙˙02˙This article is, as opposed to most of Puh's other works, completely true.˙01˙ ˙00 My mother gave me a CD called "The Best of Klaus Schulze" for the Christmas of 1996 (the truth, of course, is that she gave me the money and I chose and bought the CDs I liked, but she prefers seeing it as she bought it). I knew that Klaus Schulze had left Tangerine Dream in 1972, and that he had released an awful lot of CDs on his own, so I decided to give him a chance. This is, I have come to understand, best done by buying a "best of" CD by the actual artist, as these records tend to contain nothing but the best and most well known songs (which, perhaps, is why the CD is called "best of", anyway). It was a yellow / blue double CD ranging from early nineteen seventies to the nineties, and it was fairly cheap, too (but then, Skivhugget rox. Sug på den, Stockholmsjävlar). If it was with Klaus Schulze as with the Tangerine Dream, his early works (say 1974-1980) would be his best, and his later CDs would be a mere joke. Anyway, I wrapped up the double CD in red Christmas paper (not coloured by nitrate, though, as that's forbidden in Sweden. It is allowed in Denmark, which is why I dislike that country (or at least one of the reasons why). How do you think that sausage got its colour, anyway?) and went to the next store, where I bought a Kookai perfume set for my mother and a Sergio Tacchini after shave for myself. When Santa had left our house, I put on the CD on my dilapidated player (Hitachi - and it wasn't even good in the first place). After a few turns (those CDs were full, and that's good. I want value for my money (have you ever seen a Danish CD that contained some 74 minutes of music? Naah, the Danish group that fills their CDs best is Aqua, who are kind enough to give away 42 minutes per full price CD (according to Tobias, who bought them (the CDs))) I knew that I had been right from the beginning: the older works of Klaus Schulze were by far the coolest, and I knew that I had to buy the CDs from which those tracks were taken. I made up a list with the names of the CDs I intended to buy, and learned that they amounted to three, one of which was a porno movie ("Body Love"). I'm not the one to care about that, though, as long as the music is good (and boy - it was). I had no problem finding the first two records, "Moondawn" and "Timewind" (they were in the downstairs jazz section of Skivhugget, which is good because down there you don't have to see all those filthy, hairy drug addicts hanging around on the middle plan), but no matter how I looked I could not find that porno movie score, "Body Love vol.2". I even went around in some other CD stores in Gothenburg (Bengans, Eko, Satisfaction, Dirty Records) but hell, no, no love there. The following day I went back to Skivhugget to order the CD from Germany. The store actually charges nothing for that, which is why I order a lot. Anyway, when it was my turn, a brown-haired, good-looking girl of say twenty years and with those round glasses took my call. You could see that this was a serious young lady, working here just in order to make both ends meet during her university studies. "Hi, what can I do for you?", she said. "Hi. I'd like to order a record.", I said. "OK... Let's see... There. OK, what's its name?" "'Body Love vol. 2' by Klaus Schulze. K-L-A-U-S S-C-H-U-L-Z-E, that is. "OK... Hm... No, I can't find it in the computer. Is there anything special about the CD, perhaps it is a limited edition?", she said. "No, don't think there is. Well, it is a music score, if that matters.", I said disappointed. "AHA! Well, there you have it. What year was the movie released?" I had no idea. "That's bad. Then you have to tell me what in what category I should look. Action, drama or science fiction?", she wondered. This was not good, not good at all. I started to mumble. "Well... I suppose... I guess you could say that it is... it is... it is a porno movie.", I finally said and looked down. She stopped writing and looked up on me. Man, I swear, those eyes could kill! I felt how my limbs began to turn to stone as her Medusa face searched mine. Without saying anything at all, she let me understand the following: ˙02* ˙01Porno movies are for male pigs. ˙02* ˙01Porno movies have got nothing whatsoever to do with love. ˙02* ˙01Porno movies give a false and utterly degrading picture of the female sex. Porno movies is to be regarded as harassment. ˙02* ˙01Everybody that watches those movies should be roasted over burning coal and soaked in boiling oil. After all, I was innocent here. I had not seen that movie, I don't watch others like that, either (even though I have been to the military), and I certainly don't share the kind of view on the female sex given by those films. And what did I do? How did I solve the whole thing? How did I repair this sorry scratch? I said: "Well... I... I have not seen the movie myself?" Year, sure, she believed me. What an idiot I am. I guess I deserve that boiling oil, after all. Anyway, she turned to the Queen of Ice, behaved very strict and correct and ordered the CD for me. Then she pressed the "next customer" button and sent me a last deadly glance. As I said, if looks could kill, there would have been no further Oepir Risti issues. And still, I hadn't done a thing, I was innocent! She thought that I wanted to spread "against female thinking" propaganda throughout the world, and all I wanted to do was to listen to extremely cool and innovative music. She thought I looked upon all young women as targets of my sexual desires, while in reality, that's the last thing I do. Life isn't fair, it just isn't. Well, anyway, fuck her. I got my CD, and that's what counts. ˙01