The People
Vs
D!crosoft
By a Correspondent.
D!crosoft, champions of the Public Domain and seemingly all-round good
guys, second only in terms of popularity to Richard Branson's Virgin
empire, appeared at the Old Bailey today charged with three specimen
counts of supplying false goods under the terms and conditions of the
goods and services act, 1970.
It is alleged that:
[ i] On or about the 5th January 1997, D!crosoft did supply or cause to
be supplied one (1) Amiga Keyboard Reference Diagram by Terraform
ASCII productions in The Word under the pretence that it was in fact
created by D!crosoft.
[ ii] On or about the 5th January 1997, D!crosoft did supply or cause to
be supplied one (1) PC Mouse Diagram (with installation disk
diagram) in The Word under the pretence that it was in fact a new
Amiga 3-Button Mouse diagram (with installation disk diagram).
[iii] On or about the 14th October 1994, D!crosoft did supply or cause
to be supplied one (1) "Vapourware" Disk-Box diagram under the
pretence that is was in fact manufactures by D!crosoft, in direct
breach of "Vapourware's" copyright.
Presiding over this case is Judge Jonathon Gerkin, Mr. Dick Sknom has
chosen to stand for D!crosoft himself, witnesses for the prosecution are
Mr. B.Block of Terraform ASCII Productions, Mr.A.Bolt of BoltCo
merchandising, and Ms.V.Ware of Vapourware.
=== Witness Called: Mr. B.Block, of Terraform ASCII Prods. ===
JG: "Mr.Block, would you please tell the court of your discovery as
regards to this case, exhibiting all evidence when necessary?"
BB: "Yes, Guv. We wuz down the car boot sale in Cleggy an' we saw
this diagram fer sale <holds up Exhibit A - Printout of Amiga
Keyboard Reference Diagram, published by D!crosoft>, Derek, thats
me mate, he sez he wants it so we buys it and takes it 'ome like.
Later we wuz in his attic an' we farnd his knackered one <holds up
Exhibit B - Old Keyboard Diagram, published by Terraform>, well
we could see easy that they wuz the same, it we'd wanted a cheapo
one we'd 'ave got the doc file on how to convert it and bought
the PC version, cos it's cheaper like."
JG: "Thank you Mr. Block, you may step down."
BB: "Cheers Boss, nail the git will ya?"
JG: "Yes, yes, just sit down, there's a good chap."
=== Witness Called: Mr. A.Bolt, of Boltco Merchandising. ===
JG: "Mr.Bolt, you have heard the testimony of Mr.B.Block earlier today,
would you please tell the court of YOUR experiences with regards to
this case, exhibiting evidence when necessary?"
AB: "Too right, boss! We wus over in Cleethorpes, like Bootblock was,
and I saw this ace mag called The Word, we got it like cos I likes
Amigas and The Word wuz always tops, like. Anyway we loads it up
and there, staring us in the face, bold as bloody brass like, it's
a PeeCee Mouse Diagram, only it's been labelled Amiga cuz it were
a flop like, most people already had one on the PC already. I
remembered cos I'm in the same line, and like you get to know this
stuff, I knew I'd seen it before."
JG: "You are the expert in your company, are you not, on ASCII design
and build? Can you show us the similarities between the two?"
AB: "Sure can, <holds up print-outs of the PC Mouse Diagram and the
Amiga Mouse Diagram, side by side - Exhibit C> you can see here
<indicates label on disk diagram> that the ASCII is exactly the
same, it's just different writing like."
<murmers from public gallery>
JG: ORDER! ORDER!
AB: "If you look close at the bottom you can see some more writing wot
'as been added to disguise it."
JG: "Could you read out what it says for us please, the print out is
rather small and difficult to see from here."
AB: "Er..."
JG: "Is there a problem, Mr.Bolt?"
AB: "I've, er... forgotten me glasses like."
<Mr.Sknom of D!crosoft is seen to hurriedly scribble a note>
JG: "Very well, please step down."
=== Witness Called: Ms.V.Ware, Vapourware. ===
JG: "Ms.Ware, you also have a grievence against D!crosoft do you not?"
VW: "Indeed your honour, I believe D!crosoft copied a diagram of ours
in an attempt to pass it off as their own."
JG: "Would you please tell the court how you came to this conclusion?"
FC: "Their diagram wasn't published in any mags, it's obvious to see
why, because it's hardly any different from ours. I only went to
buy one to see what the competition was like, our disk-box diagram
wasn't selling too well and we though it was due to extra comp-
etition from D!crosoft."
JG: "Please, outline the similarities between the two diagrams."
VW: "Well, both of them are the same size for one thing, I cou..."
<Mr.Sknom interjects at this point>
D!: "Objection your honour, all disk boxes are pretty much the same
size, especially when they are made to carry a round figure like
100 3½in disks, as these two examples are."
JG: "Objection sustained, please point out highlighting features only
Ms.Ware."
VW: <under breath> "shit..." <more normally> "Yes Your honour, we also
noticed that the locking mechanism was similar, and the only
difference between the two was the D!crosoft logo, which could have
been added at any time."
JG: === DEFENCE CALLED: Mr. D.Sknom of D!crosoft ===
D!: "I'd like to ask Ms.Ware to stay on the stand if I may..."
<Ms.Ware sits again.>
D!: "Ms.Ware, may I draw your attention to the locking mechanism of the
two boxes which you are here about today, in your earlier testimony
you said, and I quote: `the locking mechanism was similar', is that
correct?
VW: "Um, yes that's correct."
D!: "You say they are similar, but not exactly the same, yet you are here
today alledging that D!crosoft copied your design?"
VW: "Well, I guess they could have made a few adjustments."
D!: "Indeed, would you agree that `making a few adjustments' as you put
it, requires some knowledge of locking mechanism design? Would you
say that it requires a lot of knowledge?"
VW: "Yes I'd say that, D!crosoft must have been rather clever to make
the changes that they did and still use some of the original
features."
D!: "If then, D!crosoft are this skilled, why should they copy a simple
locking mechanism, then waste time changing it, when it would no
doubt be just as easy to make another from scratch?"
VW: "Er..."
D!: "Ms.Ware? Answer the question please."
JG: "Do you have an answer Ms.Ware?"
VW: "No, not really your honour."
D!: "No Further Questions your honour."
VW: "You may step down Ms.Ware."
JG: === Call the next Witness ===
D!: "Mr. Bolt of BoltCo, please take the stand."
<A.Bolt takes the stand>
D!: "Mr.Bolt, you alleged earlier that you had left your glasses at home
and therefore could not read what was written on either the disk or
the Amiga Mouse Diagram? Is that correct?"
AB: "Er... yeah, that's right."
D!: "Mr.Bolt, I am handing you a piece of paper <hands Exhibit D to Mr.
Bolt>, could you tell the court what it says please?
AB: "Er, I ain't got me glasses, I can't see it proper like."
D!: "It's in extra-large-mega-jumbo-print Mr. Bolt."
<Mr.Bolt makes no reply>
D!: "Can you actually read Mr.Bolt?"
AB: "... ... er.... no, no I can't."
<exclamations from the public gallery, jury members look
suprised, Mr.Bolt blushes>
JG: ORDER! ORDER! I WILL CLEAR THE GALLERY IF I DO NOT HAVE
SOME SENSE OF ORDER UP THERE!
<gallery quietens down>
D!: "No Further Questions Your honour."
JG: === Call the Next Witness ===
D!: "Mr.B.Block of Terraform ASCII Productions, please take the stand"
<Mr.Block wobbles to the stand>
D!: "Mr.Block, would you please tell the court how you would go about
creating an Keyboard Diagram from scratch?"
BB: "Wot, on me own like?"
D!: "Indeed."
BB: "Er... dunno like, we gets an agency in to do 'em."
D!: "An agency you say? Would you please tell the court the name of
this agency, and the name of your contact there?"
BB: "Sure, no prob dude, it's Sacrosoft, my contact's name is Miss.J.
Powell, she's a reet babe too."
D!: "Your honour, I would like to draw your attention to Exhibit E
<Mr.Sknom hands a sheet of paper to the Judge>, it is a list of
Employees at D!crosoft for the last 15 years."
JG: "Indeed, I see."
D!: "Your honour, would you be so kind as to read the name that appears
seventh in that list, and also the company name that appears second
in the table under the heading `also trading as:'?"
JG: "The employees name is `J.Powell (miss)', and the company name is
`Sacrosoft'."
<uproar in the public gallery, many citizens jeer Mr.Block and
chant "Bloaters Out! Bloaters Out!" Judge Gerkin orders the
bailiffs to empty the gallery, this takes about 10 minutes as they
have to talk one member of the public down from the railing>
D!: "I should also like to show the court this advertisement from the
Times <hands Exhibit F to the jury>, publicly announcing my
engagement to Ms.Powell. You will notice that the date of the
advertisement preceeds Mr.Block's issuing or a writ by just one
day, and I put it to you, Mr.Block, that your fanciful accusation
is nothing more than a fit of jealousy!"
BB: "Aargh! Yer bastard! I'll fecking have you!"
<Mr.Block vaults the rail of the dock and attempts to assault
Mr.Sknom, he is restrained by the bailiffs who handcuff him
and lead him from the courts>
JG: "Mr.Sknom, it is obvious to all present that you have been the
victim of a campaign of utter hatred and jealousy. The court
apologises profusely. We fine Mr.Block £1,000 and order him to pay
£1,000,000 in compensation to D!crosoft, we fine Mr.Bolt £1,000
and order him to pay £200,000 in compensation to D!crosoft, and
we also fine Ms.Ware £1,000 and order her to pay £200,000 in com-
pensation to D!crosoft. The court hopes that you find this a fair
and just ruling, case dismissed."
The case against D!crosoft and against Mr.Sknom in particular was in the
end thrown out, the judges decision is final and all fines and damages
are to be paid within one month from the date of trial.
Mr.Block was subsequently jailed for his attack on Mr.Sknom and was
incarcerated in Wormwood Scrubs, he has since escaped by eating a hole
in one of the main walls and is now a fugitive from justice.
Mr. Bolt was ordered to attend reading classes, he found it easy and
painless and now reads five books a day minimum. His company has gone
from strength to strength and now makes monitor, motherboard and even
SIMM diagrams for customers all over the world. In late May 1997 he was
contracted to supply diagrams for military spy satellites and now lives
with his wife and two children in their multi-million pound villa
surrounded by lush tropical forest in Hawaii.
Ms.Ware married a plumber and now lives in squalour on a run-down inner
city housing estate in London.
-!-
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