From oracle-request Fri Jul 4 10:12:53 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id KAA11553; Fri, 4 Jul 1997 10:12:53 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 10:12:53 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199707041512.KAA11553@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #918 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. #918 From: "Steve Kinzler" To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 918 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 913 107 votes 9gqmy 19wyv 59yzo 9jyuf byDg7 ztqc5 3fuFi 9uxpa 6xBm9 sEmc5 913 3.1 mean 3.5 3.8 3.6 3.2 2.8 2.3 3.5 3.0 3.0 2.3 --- 918-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I am rather suspicious of the Publishers Clearing > House and Readers Digest and all these other places that have > sweepstakes. Several times, I have sent off for their list of winners, > in an attempt to verify that the sweepstakes are legitimate. But every > time I try to call one of the $10,000,000 winners, I get a message from > the phone company that "the number you have dialed has been changed to > an unlisted number." I think they're all a scam, and they're trying to > hide from me. Tell me, oh great one, is it so? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, it is even more sinister than you suspect. I do not } share this knowledge with everyone, but in your case, because you } asked, I know that you can be trusted. Let me turn you over now } to my assistant, Fox Mulder. } } [The Oracle flips a switch and a teleconferencing screen emerges } from the panelling. The TV comes on. Fix Mulder is standing in a } smoky briefing room dimly lit by lowslung sunlight filtering } through venetian blinds. Indiscinct figures sit in the } background.] } } FM: Their Plan isn't obvious at first. It's supposed to look like } a sweepstakes or a lottery. They get you to buy magazines. Good } Housekeeping. Cosmopolitan. Men's Health. They get you to buy } Reader's Digest. The content of this material that's then shipped } to your house is subtly hypnotic. It gets to you. You find } yourself believing things that make very little sense. They'll } have you believe that floral print curtains look good, or that the } quality of life is higher in the suburbs than in the country or } the city, or that women want men who look like Fabio. I know. } You're thinking that this is the norm. It's only this way because } of the Master Plan. } } The Plan's failsafe mechanism is the sweepstakes. If you play } their game and then one day wise up to them, you've become a } danger, a threat. You have to be disposed of, and you have to be } shown to be a heretic before all the true believers. It's a cross } between sweeping you under the rug and burning you at the stake. } They make it look like your big break, pictures with Ed McMahon, a } big four foot long check with a big number on it... it's a check } you can never cash. Your friends get to think you got rich and too } good for them and moved away. Very convenient. } } I've been on this case for two months. Yes, against orders. But } I know who is responsible. Always look to those who have the most } to gain from others' ignorance, those who can lord their knowledge } over others. Gentleman, the person resposible is the Internet } O... } } [Click. The screen goes dark.] } } Oracle: Well, supplicant. That's about enough to give you the } idea. So if I were you, I would rest assured that you called it } right and stay away from those evil sweepstakes. } } BUT, I do have some good news for you. Look at this! } } [Noisemakers, flashing lights, confetti falls. Zadoc and a bevy } of beautiful women enter the room.] } } Zadoc: Congratulations, Supplicant! You've asked the Oracle his } one trillionth question! You've won ten million dollars and an } all expenses paid trip to Delphi! And you don't owe the Oracle a } thing! That's right! You can leave tomorrow. Here's your check. } Here, we even bought you some great luggage. This Samsonite } here's so big, why heck, you could almost fit yourself in it! Ha } ha ha ha! And STRONG, too... } } [Fade to black. X-Files theme music plays.] --- 918-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wondrous Oracle, who MUST have a better answer for this than the > last incarnation, > > Back in 1995, I bought the Pink Floyd "Pulse" CD set, and it was > packaged in that box with the neat (at the time) little flashing light > on the spine of the case. My problem is that the damn light is still > blinking 2 years later! I keep my CDs in my bedroom, because that's > the only place I can listen to them without disturbing others in > the house. When I try to sleep, all I can see is this blasted little > LED blinking on and off in the corner. I've tried turning it to face > away from me, burying it under a mound of stuff, and so on--no luck. > I thought about either putting a piece of duct tape over the light > or ripping the LED and battery pack out, but I don't want to wreck > the CD case. Any ideas on how I can get rid of this nagging problem? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } The LED as you call it is in fact an extremely rare Rubicus-Insanicum } or "Insane Ruby" as it is more comonly known. } } It is the result of allowing a crazy diamond to shine on for too long. } } The only known way to stop this phenomenon is to cover the offending } gem with Tipp-ex and then colour it in to match that of the rest of the } case. } } Wish you were here, } } Orrie --- 918-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great, wonderful, marvelous, magnificent, and omnipotent oracle > whose prowess knows no limits, I humbly implore thee to answer my cry: > > What's wrong with this question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... Let's analyze it. "What's wrong with this question?" Aside } from being self-referent, nothing... so far. So, let's try some other } methods of analysis. } } Diagramming: } What | is | wrong } \with } \__this question } } No. Looks Okay. } } Translate it into Oracle Scoring Speak (OSS): } 59 18 11 30 28 33 28 25 24 17 33 19 30 18 30 18 19 28 27 31 15 29 30 19 } 25 24 } Yes, those are my measurements. } Add it all up: } 668 } Yes, that's exactly how much wood... } Auf Deutch: } Was ist los mit dieses Frage? } Ja, es ist OK. } In Mesopotamian: } ...,, ,,...- ,.,.,, ..,..., ,.,.,.,,.,.-----|||? } Ah ha!! It seems the answer is .,...,,-||.., } } You owe the Oracle the translation, and total of "War and Peace" into } OSS. --- 918-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most quiet, > Am I crazy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhh...it's been a long time since i tackled a question as deeply } nested and intrinsically convoluted as this one! First things first... } } The first level is Am, which is probably a westerniziation on the } Hindish Om...which is, as we all should know, a measure of resistance } to all things Spiritual (Om's law). } } The second level to the nested interogatory is I...another barely } concealed misappropriation of the ancient Celtic Aye. Since the Celts } used "Aye" mostly to indicate when their eyes were bleary from the } unbridled consumption of too much stout mead, and to simultaneously } request a refill, the I in the question roughly equivocates to Blind } (as in blotto). } } And finally, the deepest level of the nest is expressed as crazy. } This part is a bit tricky, but with some quiet analysis we see that } crazy further dissembles into Cray and see. The allusions here are a } little more obscure, all-the-more so due to their extreme seperation } in timelike infinity. The "Cray" references a brand of modern super- } computer, while the "see" most probably refers to the Papal See. Since } the Vatican currently utilizes several Cray's to keep accurate track } of tithes, "crazy", in this context, equates to the Pope's accountant. } } Therefore, the Oracle is now prepared to answer the REAL question... } which now is seen to be: } } How much can a Spiritually Bankrupt blind Catholic accountant } imbibe before mistaking the Pope for a Celtic beer stein? } } To which the Oracle shamlessly replies: } } About 3 cups of Sacramental wine. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Gallo & a box of Vanilla Wafers. --- 918-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So , Orrie, that's it then, is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, and please don't make fun of it. I know it's a little small, but } it's not size that matters, but the motion of the ocean. And it's also } amazingly well kept. I clean it regularly, taking special care to } scrape the mold off the sides. } } Now I'll beg you never to speak of my aquarium again. } } You owe the Oracle a bottom feeder. --- 918-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Orrie, tell me why you have such a h**d-on for my husband. He's a > perfectly nice guy. Just because he's rich and successful, and has > made life easier for millions of hardworking people all over the world, > you'd think he's some kind of criminal. > Why, you should just see him > around the house, puttering around with his little maps and pushpins, > and dressing up in that cute little uniform. And he spends hours > every day talking to our son--well, actually, just muttering, but the > baby just loves it> . Anyway, he's great, so why can't you just leave > him alone? > > Sincerely, > Mrs. Bill Gates And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because he's performed an illegal operation and must be shut down. } } If this problem persists, I'll send *him* to contact his vendor. } } You owe the Oracle a port of MS Office '97 for Linux. --- 918-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and wonderful Oracle who knows all there has ever been to know, > > Does 1 + 1 really equal 3 for large values of 1? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think that you should call Intel about the Pentium } replacement program. } } You owe the oracle an SGI Octane, and an SGI Octane. } Ship all three to me directly. --- 918-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My dad is buying cows, but he isn't a landwirt. > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 } Do you want them to hear you foolish supplicant??? I mean, just cause } you're not immortal and intelligent...well... Oh geez... You don't } see them, do you? } Oh man! How can you humans be so stupid!! It's right in front } of you! Do you think that episode of the Outer Limits was a lie!?!?!? } The cows have taken over three continents, and all you foolish humans } can do is sit around at Mc Donalds and eat the beings you should be } shooting by the dozens. } If you don't believe me just watch any news broadcast and you } will see how little attention is paid to these forest sucking cows! } Any animal who burps and part of the planet is destroyed is a } terrible enemy... } What's that? Your dad is buying cows??? } QUICK, SUPPLICANT!!! LEAVE THE HOUSE! THE COUNTRY! HECK, LEAVE } THE SYSTEM! IT'S A FULL SCALE INVASION AND THEY'RE TAKING OVER YOUR } FATHER'S MIND!!! } } Either that, or your dad just wants to raise cows. } } You Owe the Oracle 50 acres of rainforest to raise a genetic cattle } changing ranch on. --- 918-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. oracle, > > My I please have some more? > > -O. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Help yourself. } } You owe the Oracle a vodka martini, with a twist. --- 918-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty and meaty Oracle, please help me out here. > > I see that the patch to keep corrupt ICMP messages from crashing > Windows NT/95 systems via the TCP/IP stack has finally become > available. > > What other patches to known problems is Microsoft working on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MICROSOFT PRESS RELEASE 1998 } ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ } } Bill Gates has authorised the product research team to develop the } first self-producing computers. These computers, attached to the } factory production line, will then be able to take over the entire } plant from design to final delivery, distribution of the goods, } marketing, helpdesk support and basic maintenance. By reducing the } staff to a minimum (one), taxation, insurance and bathroom costs will } now be almost entirely eliminated. } } The ultra-secret product research team have been given their own hidden } base for this development. The project is currently known as the } Computer Bill Gates, or colloquially by its initials - Ka Ba Ja. } Although the details are not being released for some time, MS sources } say that the creation of these new machines is not unlike a birth. More } news will be forthcoming from the Ka Ba Ga Patch as it comes. } } You owe the Oracle a Strawberry Shortcake doll. From oracle-request Tue Jul 8 09:37:42 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id JAA21774; Tue, 8 Jul 1997 09:37:42 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 8 Jul 1997 09:37:42 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199707081437.JAA21774@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #919 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. #919 From: "Steve Kinzler" To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 919 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 914 104 votes 7otya 5mFnd 4aExh ofxie 3crJh dyyf8 irvia 8itxg svqa9 8euwk 914 3.1 mean 3.2 3.2 3.5 2.8 3.6 2.7 2.8 3.3 2.4 3.4 --- 919-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise oracle, you see all, you know all, tell me > > Australian Rules Football......What's that all about then? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's not really hard. It's just like regular American football, } except that lateral passes by the receiving team must be made in } inverse fashion between two players of rank halfback or greater } (but not the quarterback!) during the fourth and fifth downs, and in } normal, reciprocating, fashion during first and third downs, except } when a conversion has caused the "Second Interception Rule" to come } into effect, which generally means that the alternate linemen are } taken out of play for two minutes or until the designated hitter of } the home team receives two or more qualifying fouls before the end } of regulation play. And the opposite for kickoffs, of course. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the new rulebook. --- 919-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who is most clever and all that, knowing pretty much everything > there is to know etc etc, generally speaking a bit of a brainy box, you > know? > Can you tell me just how much NASA have spent getting that thing to the > planet Mars and just what do they expect to find there ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, you'll be pleased to know the answer is - not a cent of } public money. The program is being funded in line with a new government } policy to cut taxes, which is that funds are to raised through } soul-bartering. It goes like this: } } Dan Goldin, NASA Administrator: Damn, it's going to cost a couple of } mill to get this little toy buggy thing to Mars. I'd sell my soul for } the space program! } *puff of smoke* } The Devil (looking like Ned Flanders): That can be arranged! } Goldin: Satan? You'll give me the money? } The Devil: Sure, sign this paper. } Goldin: (reads, and signs) "To The Prince Of Darkness, in exchange for } a space program, One Soul". } The Devil: ... And here's the cash! See you in hell! } } Impressed with the efficiency of this plan, other levels of government } have been joining in: } } Bill Clinton: Damn, those Republicans are going to eat me alive if I } can't balance the budget. And the courts are going to roast me over } that Paula chick. I'd sell my soul to be out of this mess! } *puff of smoke* } The Devil: That can be arranged! } Clinton: Satan? Gee, thems pointy horns! } The Devil: Sign on the dotted line. } Clinton: (reads, then signs) "To The Prince of Darkness, in exchange } for one balanced budget and one not so messy court case, My Soul" } The Devil: Aha! This is fun! See you in hell! } } Other prominent leaders are trying it too: } Bill Gates: Hey, I *could* be richer! I'd sell my soul for a total } stranglehold on the world! } } *no puff of smoke. A sinister voice floats up through the floorboards: } Doesn't work twice, Bill! } } You owe the Oracle ... your heart and mind, supplicant. (evil laugh) --- 919-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > Take pity on your poor supplicant, > who is too base and putrid to even ask the Great Oracleness > this question: > > How many lines of code, > Would a Microsoft programmer code, > If a Microsoft Programmer > could write debuged code? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi. Welcome back to HackChat. We're talking today with a Microsoft } programmer who wishes to remain anonymous. I'm your host, The } Internet Oracle, and this hour is brought to you by, um, Microsoft-- } makers of all your software needs for today, the year 2000, and } beyond. } } Microsoft Programmer: (wiping nose on sleeve) Hi. } } Just before the break, a poetically inclined caller wanted to know } how many lines of debugged code you could write. } } MP: Oh, tons, I suppose. } } Really? } } MP: Depends on what you mean by debugged. } } Let's simplify things and define that as meaning the program will } operate, say, correctly. } } MP: Oh. } } Well? } } MP: I can almost guarantee that little boxes will pop up on cue every } time. } } You mean according to my cue, right? } } MP: (chuckles) God no. Ours. But since I wrote the program, I'd know } better as to when the little boxes... } } Wait. You do understand that there's more at stake here than the } interface, right? Like whether the program does what it's supposed } to do? } } MP: How can a consumer know what it's supposed to do without } actually having written it? } } Well, when you buy something expecting it to do what's written } on the box... } } MP: Oh, you'd have to talk to marketing about that. I can't accept } responsibility for package design... } } Let me start over. Say you've written a program. What steps do } you take to ensure the code has been debugged before releasing } it? } } MP: I'm not sure I follow.... } } Okay, Internet Explorer 4.0 is currently in beta testing, right? What } is being done with the bug reports that-- } } MP: I worked on that one! You can get web content delivered right } to your desktop! } } As opposed to having to undergo the laborious chore of clicking a } button...that's certainly worth half a hard drive. } } MP: You bet! } } I was being sarcastic. } } MP: Being what? } } Sarcastic. } } MP: If that's a Mac program I can't really comment... } } Okay. I'm way tired of this. } } You owe the Oracle a course in LINUX and a non-formulaic ending. --- 919-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To Whom it may concern. > > My clients, the Wood Chuck Protection Board (WCPB) are very upset by > the lack of care to the furry quadropeds so unfairly mistreated by you, > the "Internet" Oracle. > > You are being charged with slander, deciet, hatred to Wood Chucks, > misappropriations of the truth on Wood Chucks, and denying the needs of > Wood Chucks to Chuck wood. > > If this continues further the WCPB will be forced to take legal action > against you. > > Sincerely, > W. Chuck. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mr. Chuck, Chairman of the Board of Fools, } } Unfortunately the WCPB cannot be taken seriously. I, as the supreme } Oracle, am aware that WCPB is actually an acronym derived from a one } letter displacement to the left, on the 'qwerty' keyboard, from the } famed woodchuck EVAN. Any self-respecting omniscient being cannot } accept an agency cunningly named for a woodchuck who would wander about } in the woods and, dare I say it, 'chuck wood.' } } You see, although Evan was a nice little woodchuck, as they go, he } had his heart set on tossing timber. Trees were meant to stay where I } place them--they make good tooth picks for me after a hearty meal. } Regardless, I know that one time, long ago, Evan attempted to 'chuck } wood' and this inspired an entire race of wood 'chuckers.' I, as the } supreme Oracle, have the power to correct this terrible turn in the } evolutionary process. I will eradicate the world of woodchucks! } } Therefore, it is imperative that you make copies of the attached } file and make sure that every member of your Board signs and is in full } agreement with the contract. Thank you. } The Internet Oracle } } P.S. Incidentally, How can an agency designed to protect what you } call 'innocent' creatures, not know that "quadropeds" is spelled, not } that way, but rather, quadrupeds? Thanks again. } } P.P.S I expect never to hear from you again. } } File Attachment: signorbezotted.txt } } ----- CONTRACT 13a "Woodchuck Extermination" ----- } } I, ________, hereby declare that woodchucks are in fact, not } sentient life forms and are a mistake of mother nature. However, I } realize that she can be forgiven of her sins by weeding out the genetic } mishap that so long ago produced marmota monax, better know as } woodchuck. } } I, ________, realize that by my signing this contract I am } guaranteeing the safety of not only the world, but also of myself as a } humble supplicant. I also am aware that by my willful signing, I am } protecting both myself and my family from being ZOTTED. } } I, ________, hereby declare that I am not being forced to sign this. } I realize that if I do not I will be burnt into a smoking mass of } charred flesh. This, however, is not contributing to my signature. I } want to sign. Therefore, I, _______, am going to. } } I, ________, also declare that I do not endorse the friendship with, } the furthering of, or in anyway, the continued existence of any } creature that is involved in any of the following: } } - Chucking Wood, } - Tossing Timber, } - Shooting Spruce, } - Tumbling Trees, } - Pitching Pines , } - Casting Conifers, } - Pushing Palms, } - Dislodging Deciduous, } - Moving Maples, } - Flipping Firs, } - Discarding Dogwoods, } - Shoving Sequoia, } - Overcoming an Occasional Oak, } - Slamming Cedars, } - Hurling Hemlocks, } - Shaking Cypress, } - Launching Larch, } - Accelerating Alders, } - Blasting Birch, } - Agitating Acacia, } - Breaking Bonsai, } - Heaving Hawthorns, } - Propelling Perennials } - Impelling Ivy, } - Wasting Willows, } - Pressing Poplar, } - Ejecting Ebony, } - Ramming Redwoods, } - Beating Bushes } } and/or } } - Hauling Hazels, } } I, _______, agree with all of the preceding. I am no longer an } advocate of any animal belonging to the marmota species. } } _________ (please print) } _________ (sign here) } } **TRANSMISSION ENDED** --- 919-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, whose management skills are beyond compare, > please tell me: > > How can I get my staff to come to work on time? I've tried jokes, > bribery, & threats, but none of them work. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Funny, but I don't recall the jokes. The bribery was good, but I never } saw the money. For some reason all I seem to have received were the } threats and those big whacks over the head, which are still affecting } my memory. And as long as I don't see those other things, I will get to } work when I Damned well please. } } How about some PAY? THAT might work. Or didn't you think of it? } } But seriously: when someone tries to work hard but doesn't so much as } get coherent, clear, English instructions, much less anything else, } they tend to dislike the job. And that's the EMPLOYER'S fault. } } I don't know about others (actually I do because I'm The Oracle, but } it's a common phrase), but whenever someone tries to coerce me into } doing something by saying "You will do this OR ELSE!", I just won't do } it. Period. Screw the consequences. Even if it is something I can } easily do. This is not stubbornness, it is a form of self-defense. } } An ex-POW gave this advice: "If they give you lined paper, write across } the lines. If they offer you a seat, prefer to stand." There was more, } but you get the idea. } } On the other hand, if I have a clear, understandable contract, and I } get the pay I contracted for, and the people are helpful and friendly, } I will do my best. But I will see some pay or I won't work. Or at least } I won't do the work you want me to do. } } And I have news for you: NOBODY else is even remotely qualified for } THIS job. } } You still owe The Oracle - big time. --- 919-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Go over what the abbot said again," said the first programmer, as he > nudged his burro down the mountain path. "I still don't understand why > those monks need a Mark V out here in the middle of nowhere." > "He said," replied the second programmer, after a distant pause, > "that they were programming the machine to be a question generator. > That it would save them centuries of work, by generating all the > possible questions you could ask the Internet Oracle in a matter of > days." > "But why bother? What's the point?" > "They think that once the Oracle has answered all possible questions, > mankind will have fulfilled its purpose and the universe will end." > "Those nutty monks." The first programmer shook his head as he made > his way down the trail, putting distance between himself and the > monastery. > > In the Mark V's control room the acolytes pedaled furiously at their > bicycles, providing electricity for the great machine. A fanfold > printout emerged from the depths of its circuitry, tended carefully by > the monks: > > Q# 9205849463: > HOW MUCH SAND WOULD A SANDPIPER PIPE IF A SANDPIPER COULD PIPE SAND? > Q# 9205849464: > HOW MANY BOOKS WOULD A BOOKMARK MARK IF A BOOKMARK COULD MARK BOOKS? > Q# 9205849465: > HOW MUCH TIME WOULD A TIMEPIECE PIECE IF A TIMEPIECE COULD PIECE > TIME? > Q# 9205849466: > HOW MANY FLAGS WOULD A FLAGPOLE POLL IF A FLAGPOLE COULD POLL FLAGS? > Q# 9205849467: > HOW MANY CLOCKS WOULD A CLOCKWORK WORK IF A CLOCKWORK COULD WORK > CLOCKS? > > The monks gathered around the machine in eager anticipation of the > 9205849468th (and, according to their painstaking calculations, last) > question. The acolytes pedaled faster. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc, it appears we've stumbled on another IBM commercial: } } [Two monks are sitting in front of a cafe on the French Riviera] } } Monk #1: Hruffa, Szelek. Balasssoasmattacar. Wi con I B M macinadora. } } } } Monk #2: Wahayyata, Juan Valdez ni kai na ya vava baker. } } } } Monk #1: Waralla, wish wish basu basa. Zweekar sarovar Juan Valdez si } kayallat... } } } } Monk #2: Karakozka; dragnoyarsk'in krepertallen. Yuwaswissah swagat. } } } } Monk #1: Arra'tanaka biddun! Yu-Shi harakatallih 1-800-IBMSUCK? } You will... } } } } [Scene changes. Two monks, naked as nature, one behind the other... } } ^D } } [CENSORED] by ...NET NANNY... } } Transmission Error. Download failed. --- 919-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > > > > > > > > > > meow > > > > > > > > > > > > Meow! > > > > > > > > > > > me0w > > > > > > > > > > meow!!! > > > > > > > > > MEOW > > > > > > > > meow > > > > > > > Meow!!! > > > > > > m3ow !!! > > > > > Meow. > > > > meow > > Meow! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Question is: } What is sound of one cat falling down the stairs? } } You owe the Oracle a guest spot on Jeopardy. --- 919-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, > > Could you do that agin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure. } } Being omniscient, I do happen to know the actual 'agin' you want today } is the one from Roget's Internatinal Thesaurus, so there we go: } } 790. OPPOSITION } } } } .10 PREPS } opposed to, adverse to, counter to, in opposition to, in conflict with, } at cross-purposes with; } against, agin [dial], dead against, athwart; } versus, vs.; } con, contra, face to face with, vis-a-vis [Fr]. } } You owe the Internet a bit more reluctance in the usage of dialect. } It can be confusing and hinders the spread of English as a Lingua } Franca. --- 919-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty internet oracle of the far off land of indiana.edu. Whose > mastery of visual basic leaves Bill Gates grovelling, who can out think > Deep Blue, who can code C++ faster than GNU, whose VRML web pages make > picasso look like a 3 year-old with crayons, I ask the following > question. > > Why can't Wile E. Coyote ever catch the Road Runner? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wile is running in Windows. --- 919-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise. > > What does the monsters under my bed keep disapearing when i look for > them ? Everytime i crawl under the bed with a gun or a baseball bat > they simply are gone. Still i can hear them gnawing and gnawing all > through the night. They are after me, I know it ! What can i do. > I have even tried dynamite. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why get rid of them? Adopt them. Domesticate them. Train them to guard } your house. } } Would you burgle a house patrolled by monsters?