"He's dead, Jim.  Grab his tricorder; I'll get his wallet."
Do not adjust your mind; the fault is with reality.
Dyslexics of the world:  Untie!
Q:  How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?\nA:  None.  They declare darkness to be the standard.
"Where the hell are the singing cats?" - Paul Newman (Late Show w/ Dave)
"These aren't MY shorts; they BEND!" - Dave Lister (Red Dwarf)
I'm trying to learn C.  Eventually I'd like to master the entire alphabet.
If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs then it's quite likely you're the one swinging the axe.
If it's 2% milk then what's the other 98%?
I was voted most likely to be least likely voted most likely for anything.
"Here boy!  Sit!  Now stay!  Okay, good; now where's my OTHER sock?"
"I bought a toy poodle, but it died when I tried inserting the batteries."
Carpe Diem:  Sieze the day.\nCarpe Carp:  Sieze the fish.
ASCII a stupid question get a stupid ANSI.
I'm related to people I can't relate to.
Hanging:  An early form of bungee jumping.
Error checking?!  I don't need no stinking error che%}2&^h$*\nNO CARRIER
Sorry, I don't do Windows.
Why are there so many historical sites near souvenier shops?
"We've no time for a level three diagnostic, laddie!  Just touch a screwdriver to the terminal an' see if she sparks!"
Never give black coffee to an intoxicated person.  You may wind up with a wide-awake drunk.
The opinions expressed are not necessarily my own.
"I am the ghost of Christmas Present."\n"Christmas present?  Can I unwrap you then? <Leer>"
"It usually takes me a good three weeks to come up with a good impromptu speech." - Mark Twain
Life called and I answered.  I asked if I could take a message.
The words are all there; just not in any particular order.
"God is dead." - Nietzsche\n"Nietzsche is dead." - God
We Are The Jello Collective.  Watch Us Wiggle.  See Us Jiggle.  Fear Us.
It isn't easy being me, so most of the time I'm not.
"Ensign Pillsbury?  He's BREAD, Jim!"
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
"Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?"
"Be vewy, vewy quiet.  I'm hunting tagwines!"
"Beam me aboard, Scotty!"\n"Aye, Cap'n.  Will a 2x4 do, sir?"
Call waiting - great if you have two friends.
"Is that seat saved?"\n"No, but we're praying for it!"
"Monopoly?  No, we just don't want competition." - Intel
Put knot yore trussed in spel chequers!
"Take my Worf...Please!" - Data
Crime doesn't pay, but at least you're your own boss.
John Doe was sent to prison in 1988, charged with stealing a petticoat.\nIt was his first slip.
Ed was arrested for making big money - about 1.5" too big.
The most common name among prison inmates is "Ben Dover".
Q:  What has four legs & one arm?\nA:  A happy pitbull.
CanaDOS:  Yer sure, eh?  (B)eauty!  (N)o Way!  (T)ake Off!
Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
Knock firm, but softly.  I like soft, firm knockers.
"I love you!  You love me!  We're a happy family!"\n...Then a shot rang out & Barney hit the floor.  No more purple dinosaur!
Llamas are larger than frogs!
The llama has a sharp beak, which it uses to extract honey.
Notice they don't so much fly as plummet.
"Shhh, be vewy vewy quiet!  I'm assimiwating Womulans!" - Elmer of Borg
"We'd like to apologize for that last apology."
Country:  The Special Olympics of music.
3 languages = trilingual; 2 = bilingual; 1 = American
Mary had a little lamb.  That'll teach her to stay out of the barn.
Trekkers work out in the "He's Dead Gym".
Benji!  Look out for that tru#%^$&*_ NO TERRIER
CAUTION: Do not install prior to installation.
Just got a new car for my wife.  ...Great Trade!
He does the work of 3 men.  ...Moe, Larry & Curly.
Why isn't phonetically spelled that way?
Jimi Hendrex's modem was a Purple Hayes.
Locutus for Pontiac: Excitment is irrelivent.
Fire at will...  NO WORF!  Not at Commander Riker!
We've secretly replaced the dilithium with Folgers Crystals...
"Captain, I sense millions of minds focused on my cleavage." - Troi
Sects, sects, sects, is that all you monks ever think about?!
Groucho of Borg:  "That's the silliest thing I ever assimilated..."
BORG spreadsheet program:  Locutus 1-2-3.
In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal.
I am niether for nor against apathy.
Me, indecisive?  I'm not so sure about that.
CAUTION:  Objects in mirror are closer than <WHAM!>
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." - Mae West
All stressed out, & no one to choke!
Eat right.  Excercise.  Die anyway.
Don't interpret this smile as happiness.  It's insanity.
Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you aren't irritating.
Love mystifies me.  6502 machine language I understand.
Bury a lawyer 12 feet under.  Deep down they're nice.
What do lawyers & sperm have in common?\nOne out of every million becomes a human being.