Programming languages are like women

       Ota tämä huumorina, tekstin tarkoitus ei ole olla seksistinen. 

                    Programming languages are like women 
                    ------------------------------------ 

By: Daniel J. Salomon Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1

There are so many programming languages available that it can be very diffi-
cult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for  you.  On
the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here  is
a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages  that  describes
what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women.

Assembler - A female track star who holds all the world speed  records.  She
is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can  cook  up
any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful  or
educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC". She has a fier-
ce and violent temper that make her the choice of last resort.

FORTRAN - Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just  because
she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her expe-
riences and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired  many  useful
skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) That  no  younger  women
can match, so be thankful she is still around. She  has  a  notoriously  bad
temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was most-
ly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife.

COBOL - A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says
can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really comp-
licated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really li-
kes working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but  only  knows
bland recipes.

BASIC - The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty  is  seducing
young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them. She  teac-
hes them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing  because  it  is
their) first experience. She is not that young herself, but because she  was
their first lover the boys always  remember  her  fondly.  Her  cooking  and
sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that
the boys like. The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is  varied.  Shoc-
kingly, some fathers actually introduce  their  own  sons  to  this  immoral
woman! But generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly inf-
luenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like  Miss  Pas-
cal.

PL/I - A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high
heels. At one time she seemed  very  attractive,  but  now  she  just  seems
overweight and tacky. Tastes change.

C - A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not  too  talkative.
Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double  check  everything
you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her  daughter  C++
is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will  grow
up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more  sophisticated  charac-
ter.

ALGOL 60 - Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned,  and
sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war,  but  your  dad
still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance.  He  never  ac-
tually tasted much of her cooking.

Pascal - A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister.  Like  her
sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook  but
only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module).

Modula II - A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much like  her
mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot.

ALGOL 68 - Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated and  terse.
Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still
discuss her mysterious personality. She is very choosy  about  her  romances
and won't take just any man as her lover. She hasn't been seen  lately,  and
rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.

LISP - She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie
cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men (mostly college students) who have vi-
sited the farmhouse,-- enthusiastically praise the natural food, and  perpe-
tual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the long  cooking  ti-
mes, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix).  Although  these
women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their  employers  prai-
sethem for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.

APL - A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food.  She  can  cook  delicious
meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each  table.  She
doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few people can un-
derstand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all  re-
corded in mirror writing.

LOGO - A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that  you
wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient, but not an in-
teresting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious  kiddie  snacks,  but
not full-course meals.

LUCID & PROLOG - These clever teenagers show a new kind  of  cooking  skill.
They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely  from
a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are fasci-
nated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others complain  that  the
girls work very slowly, and that often the description of the meal  must  be
just as long as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict  what  these  girls
will be like when they are fully mature.

Ada - A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting  strict  ru-
les, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is  quite  talkative,
always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta
love her though, because the army says so.