My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
 --Christopher Morley (1890-1957)

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
 --Paul Vallery (1871-1945)

God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
 --Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious
project.
 --Graffito

Why attack God?  He may be as miserable as we are.
 --Erik Satie (1866-1925)

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
 --Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
 --Napoleon (1769-1821)

What if there had been room at the inn?
 --Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity

Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
committing them?
 --Jules Feiffer

Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent years.  Now when Communion is
served there is also a salad bar.
 --Bill Marr

Faith is believeing what you know ain't so.
 --"A schoolboy" quoted by Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Faith is under the left nipple.
 --Martin Luther (1483-1546)

Because I'm Jewish, a lot of people ask why I killed Christ.  What can I
say?  It was an accident.  It was one of those parties that got out of hand.
I killed him because he wouldn't become a doctor.
 --Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)

Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree,
shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"
 --Johnny Carson

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
 --Arabian proverb

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
hand.
 --Fred Allen (1894-1956)

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
 --Lucille S. Harper

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without
your help.
 --Miss Manners (Judith Martin)

In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to be
in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
beloved.
 --Russel Baker

If only it was so easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
masturbate.
 --Diogenes the Cynic (412? to 323 B.C.)

Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.
 --Dr. George M. Calhoun in 1855

Many mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of
secret vice, or self-abuse, among the young.  Why hesitate to say firmly and
without quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the
feebleness, paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire
community?
 --Dr. J. H. Kellogg (1852-1943)

Masturbation!  The amazing availability of it!
 --James Joyce (1882-1941)

Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
 --Karl Marx (1818-1883)

I was the best I ever had.
 --Woody Allen

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
 --Truman Capote

My brain is my second favorite organ.
 --Woody Allen

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin--it's the triumphant twang
of a bedspring.
 --S. J. Perelman (1904-1979)

Love is what you've been through with somebody.
 --James Thurber (1894-1961)

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
 --H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Love is being stupid together.
 --Paul Valery (1871-1945)

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
 --Dr. Karl Bowman (1888-1973)

Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
 --M. Hirschfield

The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
 --Polish proverb

If I love you, what business is it of yours?
 --Johann von Goethe (1749-1832)

A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple.
 --Japanese proverb

A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
 --Thomas Hardy (1840-1928)

The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that
one of them be good at taking orders.
 --Linda Festa

In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the other really
likes.
 --Elizabeth Ashley

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
 --Walt Disney (1901-1966)

I like young girls.  Their stories are shorter.
 --Tom McGuane

The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was "Are you sure
you're not a cop?"
 --Larry Brown

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
 --Evan Davis

Sex is dirty only when it's done right.
 --Woody Allen

For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and
cook.
 --Quentin Crisp

Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight?  Is it something I said?
 --Tom Ryan

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
 --Mae West (1892-1980)

I've been in more laps than a napkin.
 --Mae West (1892-1980)

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
 --Mae West (1892-1980)

He who hesitates is a damned fool.
 --Mae West (1892-1980)

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
 --Chico Marx (1891-1961)

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
 --From The Last Goon Show of All

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
 --Woody Allen

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
 --Elayne Boosler

I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.  Come, let use take
our fill of love until the morning.
 --Proverbs 7: 17-18

All the men on my staff can type.
 --Bella Abzug

A is for Apple.
 --Hester Prynne

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
 --Charles Pierce

If God had meant us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
 --Malcolm Bradbury

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
 --Joan Rivers

Ouch!  That felt good!
 --Karen Elizabeth Gordon

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places
they do today.
 --Will Rogers (1879-1935)

The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into the
bedroom.
 --Richard Lewis

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or
twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
 --Joan Rivers

What do you give a man who had everything?  Penicillin.
 --Jerry Lester

Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
 --Maureen Murphy

Chaste makes waste.
 --Unknown

The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
 --George S. Kaufman (1889-1961)

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
 --Joan Rivers

It's easy to make a friend.  What's hard is to make a stranger.
 --Unknown

The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
 --Don Rose

He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom.
 --Unknown

I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
 --Martin Cruz Smith

If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
books.
 --Alan King

'Tis more blessed to receive; for example, wedding presents.
 --H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry
later; for another thing they die earlier.
 --H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
 --H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work in
the brewry.
 --George Jean Nathan (1882-1958)

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
for the rest of your life.
 --Jim Samuels

A man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is finished.
 --Zsa Zsa Gabor

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
 --Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
inattention of one.
 --Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

One man's folly is another man's wife.
 --Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf
man to a blind woman.
 --Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing--and
then marry him.
 --Cher

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your
own name.
 --Advice to Joan Rivers from her mother

Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity.
 --Charles McCabe (1915-1983)

Bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men should be
happier than others.
 --Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying until I
get it right.
 --Richard Pryor

I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now.
 --Unknown

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.
 --Jackie Mason

A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married.  After that
it's cheating.
 --Yves Montand

Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
 --Peter De Vries

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
 --Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)

If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no longer
interested in sex, take out an ad in the Wall Street Journal.
 --Abigal Van Buren

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
 --Cary Grant

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
 --Tommy Manville (1894-1967)

I can't mate in captivity.
 --Gloria Steinem on why she has never married.

It wasn't exactly a divorce--I was traded.
 --Tim Conway

You don't know anything about a woman until you meet her in court.
 --Norman Mailer

I'm very old-fashioned.  I believe that people should marry for life, like
pigeons and Catholics.
 --Woody Allen

Marriage is like a bank account.  You put it in, you take it out, you lose
interest.
 --Professor Irwin Corey

I hate babies.  They're so human.
 --H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its neck to get the
dog to play with it.
 --Unknown

My mother didn't breast-feed me.  She said she liked me as a friend.
 --Rodney Dangerfield

It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as
children.
 --Kingsley Amis

I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
 --Billy Braver

Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.  It
begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
 --Unknown

One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
 --George Herbert (1593-1633)

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
 --Spanish proverb

Happy is the child whose father died rich.
 --Proverb

Reinhart was never his mother's favorite--and he was an only child.
 --Thomas Berger

Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be tolerated
until they acquire some sense.
 --William Lyon Phelps

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by
our children.
 --Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.
Life is the other way around.
 --David Lodge

If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
 --Bette Davis

How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
 --Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes (1983)

Never raise your hand to your children--it leaves your midsection
unprotected.
 --Robert Orben

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
 --Herbert Hoover (1874-1964)

The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
 --Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946)

One of the advantages of having children is that they eventually get old
enough to give you presents they make at school.
 --Robert Byrne

Never have children, only grandchildren.
 --Gore Vidal

No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
signs of improvement.
 --Florida Scott-Maxwell

Youth is such a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on children.
 --George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
 --Martin Mull

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
 --Derek Bok

I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
 --Gore Vidal

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
 --Irwin Edman (1896-1954)

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theatre.
 --Gail Godwin

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
 --Henry Kissinger

Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach
children.
 --W. H. Auden (1907-1973)

I think the world is run by C students.
 --Al McGuire

Smartness runs in my family.  When I went to school I was so smart my
teacher was in my class for five years.
 --George Burns

You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
 --H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked
into the soul of the boy next to me.
 --Woody Allen

Beware of the man who does not drink.
 --Proverb

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
 --Mark Twain (1835-1910)

A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.
 --Unknown

Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
 --Dom Perignon (1638-1715) at the moment of his discovery of champagne

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk
they are sober.
 --William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)

An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang
onto.
 --Unknown

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
 --George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

To drink is a Christian diversion, unknown to the Turk or the Persian.
 --William Congreve (1670-1729)

To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
bitters.  Shake.
 --Recipe for turkey cocktail from F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940)

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
 --Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)

I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
 --Phil Harris

My uncle was the town drunk--and we lived in Chicago.
 --George Gobel

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
 --George Gobel

Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
 --W. C. Fields (1880-1946)

I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
 --Richard Burton

I always wake up at the crack of ice.
 --Joe E. Lewis (1902-1971)

The graveyards are full of indispensible men.
 --Charles de Gaulee (1890-1970)

There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
 --Eugene Ionesco

Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
 --Bill Musselman

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
 --Anne Boleyn (1507?-1536)

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
 --Unknown

I believe in sex and death--two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
 --Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death.  Have you ever spent an evening
with an insurance salesman?
 --Woody Allen

Go away.  I'm all right.
 --Last words of H. G. Wells (1885-1946)

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
 --Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
 --Arthur Miller

One doesn't have a sense of humor.  It has you.
 --Larry Gelbart

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
he is already degraded.
 --George Orwell (1903-1950)

If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in
the Bible.
 --Modecai Richler

Dying is easy.  Comedy is difficult.
 --Actor Edmond Gwenn (1875-1959) on his deathbed

Humorists always sit at the children's table.
 --Woody Allen

I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
 --Calvin Trillin

What is comedy?  Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
them puke.
 --Steve Martin

Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
 --Richard Armour

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as
good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.
 --Charlotte Whitton (1896-1975)

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.
 --Robin Morgan

There are only two kinds of men--the dead and the deadly.
 --Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.
 --Jayne Mansfield (1932-1967)

I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on
believing that some men are my equals.
 --Brigid Brophy

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally
of dealing with men.
 --Joseph Conrad (1857-1924)

Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transsexuals.  To
actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.
 --Fran Lebowitz

My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
dahlias.
 --William Allen White (1868-1944)

A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
 --Lillian Day

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
 --Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
 --Joey Adams

A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
 --Fred Allen (1894-1956)

I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
 --W. C. Fields (1880-1946)

If you become a star you don't change, everyone else does.
 --Kirk Douglas

I'm not a real movie star--I've still got the same wife I started out with
twenty-eight years ago.
 --Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
 --Marlo Thomas

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a
laboratory jar at Harvard.
 --Frank Sinatra

AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
 --Telegram to Time magazine from Frank Sinatra

As an anti-American, I thank you for your rotten article devoted to my
person.
 --Letter to Time magazine from Prince Sihanouk

I am a deeply superficial person.
 --Andy Warhol

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long.
 --Shelley Winters

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a
valentine.
 --Christopher Plummer

I should have been a country-western singer.  After all, I'm older than most
western countries.
 --George Burns

Never face fats; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
 --Marlo Thomas

Nothing succeeds like the appearence of success.
 --Christopher Lasci

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
 --Mae West (1892-1980)

Nothing fails like success.
 --Gerald Nachman

Anyone seen on a bus after the age of thirty has been a failure in life.
 --Loelia, Duchess of Westminster

To err is human
And stupid.
 --Robert Byrne

You may already be a loser.
 --Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield

How should they answer?
 --Abigail Van Buren in reply to the question,
   "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
 --Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)

Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
 --From the movie My Favorite Year, 1982

The goys have proven the following theorem...
 --Physicist John von Neumann (1903-1957) at the start
   of a classroom lecture

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
 --Martin Luther Kind, Jr. (1929-1968)

I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
 -Will Rogers (1879-1935)

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into
my neighborhood after dark.
 --Dick Gregory

Work is of two kinds; first, altering the position of matter at or near the
earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do
so.
 --Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a penis
or vagina.
 --Florynce kennedy

It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
 --Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)

Anybody who works is a fool.  I don't work, I merely inflict myself on the
public.
 --Robert Morley

Hard Work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
 --Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Bergen, 1903-1978)

If you have a job without aggravations, you don't have a job.
 --Malcolm Forbes

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
 --Ogden Nash (1902-1971)

Work is much more fun than fun.
 --Noel Coward (1899-1973)

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.
 --Lily Tomlin

Money is good for bribing yourself through the inconveniences of life.
 --Gottfried Reinhardt

A billion here, a billion there--pretty soon it adds up to real money.
 --Senator Everett Dirksen (1896-1969)

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
 --Jackie Mason

The rich have a passion for bargains as lively as it is pointless.
 --Francoise Sagan

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
 --Unknown

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
 --Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.
 --Elisabeth Marbury (1856-1933)

Money is always there, but the pockets change.
 --Gertrude Stein (1874-1946)

There must be more to life than having everything.
 --Maurice Sendak

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
 --Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

Better to be nouveau then never to have been riche at all.
 --Unknown

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
surprised at how little you have.
 --Ernest Haskins

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
 --Errol Flynn (1909-1959)

Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
 --Errol Flynn (1909-1959)

The wages of sin are unreported.
 --Unknown

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living
apart.
 --e. e. cummings (1894-1962)

To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
 --Unknown

When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
and a willingness to compromise.
 --Weber cartoon caption

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every
six months.
 --Oscar Wilde (1856-1900)

If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
 --Fashion consulatant Robert Pante

Every generation laughs at the old fashions but religiously follows the new.
 --Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
 --Gilda Radner

War is a series of catastrophies that results in a victory.
 --Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929)

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
 --Jeannette Rankin (1880-1973)

I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole
field to private industry.
 --Joseph Heller

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other
bastard die for his.
 --General George Patton (1885-1945)

Name me an emperor who was ever struck by a cannonball.
 --Charles V (1500-1558)

While you're saving your face you're losing your ass.
 --President Lyndon Johnson (1908-1973)

You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a new
way.
 --Will Rogers (1879-1935)

I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice
my wife's brother.
 --Artemus Ward (1834-1867)

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
 --Unknown

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy
Scouts have adult supervision.
 --Blake Clark

The Israelis are like the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East.  They treat
the Arabs like postmen.
 --Franklyn Ajaye

Start slow and taper off.
 --Walt Stack

Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
 --Unknown

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 --Scott Beach's grandfather

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
 --Napoleon (1769-1821)

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
 --Mick Jagger

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
 --Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Aaeeeyaayaayaayaa...
 --Johnny Weissmuller (1904-1984)

When walking through a melon patch, don't adjust your sandals.
 --Chinese proverb

Sometimes a fool makes a good suggestion.
 --Nicolas Boileau (1636-1711)

Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
 --Unknown

It's no longer a question of staying healthy.  It's a question of finding a
sickness you like.
 --Jackie Mason

I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
 --Variously ascribed

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that
either.
 --Jack Benny (1894-1974)

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever
did.
 --Robert Benchley (1889-1945)

I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
 --Chauncey Depew (1834-1928)

Avoid running at all time.
 --Satchel Paige (1906?-1982)

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry
than your life.
 --Jackie Mason

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
 --Fletcher Knebel

Quit worrying about your health.  It'll go away.
 --Robert Orben

Health nuts are going to feel stupid today, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
 --Redd Foxx

To eat is human
To digest divine.
 --Mark Twain (1835-1910)

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
 --George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The most dangerous food is the wedding cake.
 --American proverb

Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
 --Zero Mostel (1915-1977)

I believe that eating pork makes people stupid.
 --David Steinberg

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet.
 --Unknown

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces.  Women go right
on cooking.
 -Gail Sheehy

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
 --Totie Fields (1931-1978)

I'm on a seafood died.  I see food and I eat it.
 --Variously ascribed

Eat as much as you like--just don't swallow it.
 --Harry Secombe's diet

Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
Let it simmer.  Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
Eat the stake.  Let the chili simmer.  Ignore it.
 --Recipe for chili from Allan Shivers, former governor of Texas

The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet
books.  The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food and the diet books
tell you how now to eat any of it.
 --Andy Rooney

It's so beautifully arranged on the plate--you know someone's fingers have
been all over it.
 --Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.
 --James Beard

Where do you go to get anorexia?
 --Shelley Winters

Nachman's Rule: When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the
better.
 --Gerald Nachman

I eat merely to put food out of my mind.
 --N. F. Simpson

Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?
 --Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962) on being served
   matzo ball soup three meals in a row

A gourmet restaurant in Cincinati is one where you leave the tray on the
table after you eat.
 --Unknown

When compelled to cook, I produce a meal that would make a sword swallower
gag.
 --Russell Baker

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
 --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

I don't even butter my bread.  I consider that cooking.
 --Katherine Cebrian

Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
 --Storm Jameson

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
served the family nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been
found.
 --Calvin Trillin

No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
 --Robert Morley

I prefer my oysters fried;
That way I know my oysters died.
 --Roy G. Blount, Jr.

The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the other end in
an awful hurry.
 --John Jensen

It is not true that life is one damn thing after another--it is one damn
thing over and over.
 --Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)

Life is thirst.
 --Leonard Michaels

The less things change, the more they remain the same.
 --Sicilian proverb

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
 --Robert Orben

If you can see light at the end of the tunnel you are looking the wrong way.
 --Barry Commoner

I have found little that is good about human beings.  In my experience most
of them are trash.
 --Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)

The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
and humiliaitng reality.
 --Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

We're all in this alone.
 --Lily Tomlin

Our ignorance of history makes us libel our own times.  People have always
been like this.
 --Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)

The British tourist is always happy abroad so long as the natives are
waiters.
 --Robert Morley

You can't judge Egypt by Aida.
 --Ronald Firbank

France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the
toilet paper.
 --Billy Wilder

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the
Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have
obtained from books of travel.
 --Mark Tawin (1835-1910)

Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
 --Joseph Stalin (1879-1953)

In Italy, for five years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci,
and the Renaissance.  In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five
hundred years of democracy and peace--and what did they produce?  The cuckoo
clock.
 --From the movie The Third Man, 1949

Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
 --From the movie Outrageous, 1983

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
 --Richard Lewis

Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of
California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
continues to this day.
 --Wayne Shannon

The big cities of America are becoming Third World contries.
 --Nora Ephron

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
 --David Letterman

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
 --Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
there?
 --Herb Caen

San Francisco is like granola: Take away all the fruits and the nuts, and
all you have are the flakes.
 --Unknown

In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
 --Will Durst

Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
 --Unknown

When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
 --Franklyn Ajaye

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
 --David Letterman

I have an existential map.  It has "You are here" written all over it.
 --Steven Wright

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's
nothing else to do.
 --Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.
 --Unknown

When we talk to God, we're praying.  When God talks to us, we're
schizophrenic.
 --Lily Tomlin

When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.
 --Hermann Hesse (1877-1962)

I don't really trust a sane person.
 --Pro football lineman Lyle Alzado

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is
driving.
 --David Letterman

I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm gong to Lourdes.
 --Woody Allen

When a book and a head collide and there is a hollow sound, is it always
from the book?
 --Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742-1799)

I've given up reading books.  I find it takes my mind off myself.
 --Oscar Levant (1906-1972)

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
 --Karl Kraus (1874-1936)

A person who publishes a book appears willfully in public with his pants
down.
 --Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)

The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can
write know anything.
 --Walter Bagehot (1826-1877)

The newspaper is the natural enemy of the book, as the whore is of the
decent woman.
 --The Goncourt Brothers, 1858

Manuscript: Something submitted in haste and returned in leisure.
 --Oliver Herford (1863-1935)

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
original and the part that is original is not good.
 --Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

Autobiography is an unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other
people.
 --Philip Guedalla (1889-1944)

A well-written life is almost as rare as a well-spent one.
 --Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)

I have read your book and much like it.
 --Moses Hadas (1900-1966)

A novel is a piece of prose of a certain length with something wrong about
it.
 --Unknown

There are two kinds of books: those that no one reads and those no one ought
to read.
 --H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

The covers of this book are too far apart.
 --Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)