Q-Blue: the reason they had to invent the Amiga. Why settle for less than Q-Blue? Q-Blue: the first offline reader worthy of the Amiga. Computers are tools, but the Amiga is an instrument. Blue Wave is to QWK as AmigaDOS is to MS-DOS. If you're stuck with QWK, at least use Q-Blue; it's not as bad that way. I'm morphing objects in another window. My other computer is another Amiga. Thank God for Jay Miner. Otherwise I'd be stuck with a Macintosh. Why is Amiga better? No Intel inside, that's why. MS-DOS = suit & tie; Macintosh = cool shades; Amiga = high heels & leather MS-DOS = the corner church; Amiga = pagan sex magick under a full moon Friends don't let friends use MS-DOS. Are you still using AmiQWK? QWK: the MS-DOS of offline mail formats. MS-DOS: the McDonald's of operating systems. MS-DOS? Foutjuuuuh bedankt! MS-DOS is to a real OS as "creation science" is to paleontology. MS-DOS: if you believe in a flat Earth, this is the OS for you. What? The second letter is an S? I thought it was "McDos". Unix: the operating system of the future of the past. Single tasking? Just say no! If speed kills, then Windows users may live forever. VirusScan: MS Windows found. Delete? (Y/y) Using a single-tasking computer is a sign of low self esteem. I admit it, I tried MS-DOS, but I didn't inhale. MS-DOS causes deafness and hair loss when used by laboratory rats. MS-DOS: celebrating ten years of continuous obsolescence. Crime has increased steadily with sales of MS-DOS. Coincidence? MS-DOS: the Dwight D. Eisenhower of operating systems. And there were plagues of locusts, and frogs, and MS-DOS, and MS Windows. Joe McCarthy would have wanted everyone to use MS-DOS. If at first you don't succeed, create an "NT" version. Support group for survivors of MS-DOS now forming. Three mouse buttons may be too many, but one is sure not enough. MicroSoft tech support: "Remove all useful utilities from your system." Windws is ine for bckgroun comunicaions - Bll Gats, 192 Windows: so intuitive it only needs one meg of help files. If MS Windows sucked it would be good for something. I am Microsoft of Borg. The superiority of other products is irrelevant. Welcome to Hell, sinner. Here is your 386SX with Windows and DoubleSpace. Momma don't 'low dat messydos garbage round here. -- H. Sullivan "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates OS/2: a better Windows than Windows... but still a Windows. Macintosh: the etch-a-sketch you don't have to shake. Coming soon from Microsoft: EDLIN for Windows. Macintosh: the computer with training wheels you can't remove. Windows 3.1: the training wheels are bigger than the bicycle. Ever notice how fast Windows 3.1 runs? Neither have I... Windows 3.1 - The best $129 solitaire game you can buy. Windows 4.0 will be released when 3.1 finishes loading. House gets too cold in the winter? Buy a Pentium. My new Pentium is so fast it can bake a potato in eight minutes! 8088 = model T Ford. Pentium = supercharged 400 horsepower model T Ford. Function call to load WINDOWS/NT: Sooooeee_pig_pig_pig_pig() foo. Hackers do it till dawn. 3.141592653589793238462643383279502883197116939937510... I forget the rest If hackers ran the world there'd be no war. A lot of accidents, maybe... Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. Hackers stay UP all night. Hackishness is next to Godliness. RTFM. Guru Meditation #8100000B.466F6F21 Insufficient memory: add 4 megs and retry Overflow on null device; please empty the bit bucket. What's worse, a part missing or a part left over? It takes a Real Man to sit indoors all day doing this. "[NR]"? Shame on you! It will be released in four weeks. They promised me. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del to continue. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. Remember: "Always mount a scratch monkey." The Oracle has pondered your question deeply. You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. This tagline made from 100% recycled electrons. This tagline uses advanced Object Oriented technology. Job not found: (A)bort (R)etry (W)elfare Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mist aches. Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for life. Strike any user to continue. I have two computers. Can I breed them? CanaDOS: Yer sure, eh? (B)eauty! (N)o way! (T)ake off! MinneSota-DOS: You tink so? (Y)ah sure you betcha (I) dunno (U)ff da KlingonDOS error: Command or filename without honor SWF, blonde, stacked, seeks appreciative gentleman. No sysops. If it's on fire, it's a hardware problem. Wise man say, do not buy computer from man who sell radios. It said "insert disk #3" but only two would fit. I'd trust him about as far as I'd trust a programmer with a soldering iron. "Free software breeds freeloaders." -- M. Pollard Philosophical error: Demonstrate the existence of a key to continue Don't be hesitant. Digital electronics can smell fear. It works! Now, if only I could remember what I did... This version of reality will have certain limitations until you register. My keyboard is broken. This O is upside-down. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. Anthony's Theory: "The more detailed the map, the more lost you get." When man builds better mousetraps, nature builds better mice. "Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether." -- Fahnstock Cole's Law: "Thinly sliced cabbage." Confusion not only reigns, it pours. Shirley's Law: "Most people deserve each other." "No matter what they're talking about, they're talking about money." Sevareid's Rule: "The chief cause of problems is solutions." DiSimoni's Rule of Cognition: "Believing is seeing." Walton's Law of Politics: "A fool and his money are soon elected." If you can remember the '60s, then you weren't there. Those who can't teach, administrate. "The side with the simplest uniforms wins." -- Major Mark Cancian Sattinger's Law: "It works better if you plug it in." "Next time buy the two-ply kind," said Tom roughly. "Watch out for that slicing machine," said Tom disarmingly. "Careful with that power saw," Tom said offhandedly. "I'll have to convert to float," Tom realized. "I just forgot to increment the counter," said Tom, nonplussed. "We need a home run hitter," said Tom ruthlessly. "I enjoy making bicycle wheels," Tom spoke up. "Turn down the treble," Tom intoned. "My stereo's half fixed," said Tom monotonously. "I'm taking one from the top shelf," said Tom high-handedly. "I just love Chinese food", said Tom wantonly. "Woops, I dropped my toothpaste," Tom said, crestfallen. "Boy, that sure took the wind out of my sails!" said Tom disgustedly. "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. The Vogons are NOT the worst poets in the Galaxy, and I can prove it. "Brave Sir Robin ran away..." "Stranded in the gas station of love..." There are Monkey Boys in the facility! "This is abuse. Arguments are down the hall." "The BBC would like to apologize for that last apology." "Milhous, we live in the age of cooties!" -- Bart Simpson I object to all this sex on the television. I keep falling off. Adam West is tied to a giant waffle iron! How will he escape? There was this... this... and it... forget it, you wouldn't understand. "Een rondje Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, en neem er zelf ook een!" "You wouldn't dare say that if I had my writers here!" -- Jack Benny "FORTY-TWO!" "What else floats?" "Very very small rocks?" "Well, what's that I see?" "A Spartan message-staff." "crouching like wrestlers... it seems an athletic kind of malady." "It is an art form to hate New York City properly." -- Pat Conroy "You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith, Too." -- C&W Song "Your mother sent me up here to kill you." -- B. Cosby "What's gon' be next, the doodoo police?" -- Mojo Nixon "Rabbit au gratin de gelatine under tooled leather... drool, drool!" "Breathe, stupid! You forgot to breathe!" "Money isn't everything." "Name me one thing it isn't!" "Your money or your life!" "I'm thinking it over." I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes. I left my tart in Aunt Fran's Crisco... "Is it dead?" "Well, it was coughin' up blood last night." Wee fish ewe a mare egrets moose, panda hippo gnu deer. How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a cab? ; "Akbar... All these years I've been peeing in the bathroom sink." -- Jeff ; Moomie are dance the dance of new. Gone are Lupo. Come are man. "That mountain doesn't reach all the way to the ground." "Youth is about sex, drugs, pizza, and more sex." -- Nikki Sixx I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. "The head is the best part." -- Siouxsie "From this strange confusion grows a perverse communication" -- Siouxsie " " -- Marcel Marceau "That's a lot more mature than I think I care to be." -- Calvin "Every time I've built character, I've regretted it." -- Calvin ; (some Tom Lehrer:) Second fiddle's a hard part, I know / When they don't even give you a bow "But it's not against any religion / To want to dispose of a pigeon" Hark, the Herald Tribune sings / Advertising wondrous things "Now a pestering sister's a festering blister, you'd best-a resist her" "My soul is on fire, I'm aflame with desire, which is why I perspire..." Make me scream with pain, then kick me once again, & say we'll never part Darling, if you smell something burning, it's my heart. (urp) Nobody for President! Who balanced the budget? Nobody, that's who. What is "obscenity"? Whatever gets the judge excited. Old McDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. EIEIO. A bureaucracy can outwait anything. Planet 98% full. Delete politicians? (Y/y) "If frogs had wings, they'd let down their tail." -- George Bush "I have my Texas hunting license here." -- George Bush, alleged Texan "I'm for Mr. Reagan, blindly." -- George Bush, November 1984 "I think I'm a charismatic son of a gun." -- George Bush "Those are two hypo-rhetorical questions." -- G. Bush to M. Dukakis "Watch out; overdose of charisma!" -- G. Bush on himself and R. Reagan "I didn't need [a dog] because I have Barbara Bush." -- George Bush "I'm not the most articulate emotionalist." -- George Bush New word being used in Japan: "Bushuru", to vomit. "I'm not an intellectual." -- Ronald Reagan "Facts are stupid things." -- Ronald Reagan, 1988 "Reagan is the most breathtaking new thinker around." -- Newt Gingrich "He was only 14 and he was burned out on marijuana." -- Nancy Reagan "We've got the best health care plan there is..." -- George Bush "If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure." -- Quayle "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Quayle "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Quayle "We are the greatest planet on earth." -- Quayle "We all lived in this century. I did not live in this century." -- Quayle "We're from the government. We're here to kill you." How come animal shelter workers are paid more than childcare workers? "Politics": from poli = many, tics = blood-sucking parasites "Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger." -- Abbie Hoffman "Empathy is the most revolutionary emotion." -- Gloria Steinem Libertarian: a Republican who wants cheaper drugs. Limbaugh... Limbaugh... Isn't that some kind of stinky cheese? Barney is the Conspiracy's way of preparing children for Rush Limbaugh. The bigger the amount you steal, the lighter your sentence when caught. I think, therefore I am... not a Republican. "Fund" = give money; "amentalism" = mindlessness [ ] Free Country [ ] Drug Free Country Choose One. If God is omnipotent, why does he need my money? Warning: thinking to excess may cause failure to vote Republican. Cogito ergo liberal. Feminism is simply the radical notion that women are people. You folks telling me that intolerance is a Traditional Family Value? A zoo animal, released, afraid to leave its cage. That is conservatism. Our conservatives support freedom and liberty... for money, not people. Conservative: one who'd rather have 9% unemployment than 6% inflation. Alan Greenspan: Full employment causes inflation. We can't have that! MS-DOS: the operating system for Republicans. MS-DOS: the Ronald Reagan of operating systems. I want to be Neal Bush and rob banks legally. Conservatives: bravely willing to lay down your life for their country. The new Vietnam: Somalia? Bosnia? Rwanda? No, the War on Drugs. Conservatism: Civil rights, women's rights, gay rights -- all wrong! Conservative faith: Any problem can be solved with enough punishment. Conservative logic: Facing the problem = condoning immorality. Mickey Mouse wears a Ronald Reagan watch. AIDS is a virus. Jesse Helms is a punishment from God. Man made booze, God made grass -- who do YOU trust? Annoy a Christian: ask him how many gods he believes in. Imagine Jesus standing before you.... are you picturing a white man? If more Christians read the Bible there'd be less of them. Marriage by a TV evangelist is actually considered legal in most states. Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you protestants ever think about? " " " " " " " " " " " <-- Rush Limbaugh's listeners Silence cannot be misquoted. Except by Rush Limbaugh, that is... According to Descartes, Rush Limbaugh doesn't exist. Will Rogers never met Rush Limbaugh. Rush Limbaugh: Opiate of the asses. Rush Limbaugh: America's designated Hitler. Somebody please tell Limbaugh that America is not a Christian country. Rush Limbaugh: 600 pounds of shit in a 300 pound windbag. The Hindenburg and Rush Limbaugh: a flaming Nazi gasbag, and a dirigible. Oxymoron: Reagan memoirs. Clinton may fib sometimes, but at least he can tell the difference. Is your church BATF approved? False Memory Syndrome, eh? Suddenly pedophiles are psychology experts? "Poor dear, there's nothing between his ears." -- Thatcher on Reagan "A bad actor. He's inflated, he's egotistical." -- John Huston on Reagan "That incoherent cretin..." -- Andrew Faulds, M.P. on Ronald Reagan "An amiable dunce." -- defense secretary Clark Clifford on Ronald Reagan "Sort of a Boy Scout with a hormone imbalance." -- K. Phillips on G. Bush "A do-nothing lackluster wherever he sat." -- A. Haig on George Bush "John Birch Society nut... dumb and dangerous." -- Sinatra on Reagan "The pits as far as blacks are concerned." -- Desmond Tutu on Reagan "A cross between Rambo and Mary Poppins." -- Peter Fenn on George Bush "A toothache of a man." -- Jim Hightower on George Bush "Born with a silver foot in his mouth." -- Ann Richards on George Bush "The perfect yes-man." -- Larry Speakes on George Bush "A good Christian does not think, a Good Christian obeys." -- B. Graham So how much does this "free" market really cost? I don't mind straight people, as long as they act gay in public. If God didn't make homosexuals, there wouldn't be any. Homosexuality isn't taught. Hate and prejudice are! If you don't like homosexuals, don't sleep with them. More comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? Lifetime vanilla heterosexual monogamy IS an alternative lifestyle. Headline: City Wants Dead To Pay For Cleanup. Headline: Coal Miners Refuse To Work After Death. Headline: Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case. Headline: Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant. Headline: Low Pay Reason For Poverty, Study Says. Headline: No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim. Headline: Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers. Headline: Prostitutes Appeal To Pope. Headline: Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim. Headline: Prisoners Escape From Prison Farm After Execution. Newspaper Ad: Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Newspaper Ad: Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Newspaper Ad: Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Newspaper Ad: Widows made to order. Send us your specifications. Knock firmly but softly. I like soft firm knockers. The average person has one ball and one tit. Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty boys? Oral self-stimulation is possible," admitted Tom, swallowing his pride. I am NOT a gay necrophiliac," said Tom, in dead Earnest. I have a rope and an ostrich feather, and I know how to use them. Isn't there any other part of the matzoh they cook?" -- M. Monroe I'm selfish. I wear them with the ribs on the inside." -- Kurt W. What's the difference between a dog and a fox? Five beers. I'm mooning you right now; you just can't see me. I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for! Wise man say, OK to meet girl in park but better to park meat in girl! Old soldiers never die -- young ones do it for them. Does war decide who's right? Only who's left. If the people lead, the leaders will follow. With freedom comes responsibility. If only the reverse were as certain. Can one really be ethical through following someone else's rules? Every tradition was once a heresy. Every valuable idea offends someone. What do we learn from history? That we learn nothing from history. Do not attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance. -- Hanlon Two monologues do not make a dialogue. -- DeNever Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. Virtue is its own punishment. Today is the last day of your life... so far. We ALL live "downstream." Hypocrisy is the K-Y Jelly of social intercourse. "Masturbation is to sex as philosophy is to real life." -- K. Marx "Darkness reigns at the foot of the lighthouse." -- Japanese Proverb Smokers: They're a dying breed. Think twice before you think. No matter what it is, it's more important than housework. The Earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much bigger. The truth shall make you free, but first it shall piss you off. And Lao-tse said: Those who know don't tell; those who tell don't know. Don't lend people money. It causes amnesia. Don't argue with people stupider than you; you can never win that way. The dustpan that the dirt can be swept into is not the true dustpan. Don't be sexist. Chicks hate it. Never trust anyone who says "trust me". Except just this once. "...people who have no vices have very few virtues." -- A. Lincoln "Housework, done properly, can kill you." -- Erma Bombeck "Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat." You are a completely unique individual, just like everybody else. When the gods want to punish you, they answer your prayers. -- O. Wilde Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. If the solution were that simple, the problem would never have existed. If you're not making waves, you're not rowing the boat. Happiness can't buy money. "Limitations are stepping stones to creativity." -- Joel Corn Annoy the opposition -- cite fact. Life is a bitch, but some of the puppies are cute. Eat a live toad for breakfast, and nothing worse will happen that day. If a church wants to teach humility, it ought to learn it first. I quit school because it was interfering with my education. -- J. Brunner If it happens, it must be possible. The Company loves misery. Hate your life? Don't worry, it will eventually go away by itself. Life is a car wash and I'm on a bicycle. Caution: living too long may be fatal. Incoming fire has the right of way. Never eat anything bigger than your head. Honesty's the best policy but insanity's a better defense. Never feed your cat anything that doesn't match the carpet. Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official. The words of the prophets are written in the tagline files. Math and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive. An unbreakable toy is often useful for breaking other toys. Gravity is the chief cause of airplane crashes. Avoid that run down feeling. Stay on the sidewalk. Your reward for a job well done: more work. If you don't like getting old, consider the alternative. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Monday is the root of all evil. Sometimes silence is not golden, it's yellow. Never judge a book by its movie. It's dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. A metaphor is like a simile. Being a pain in the ass is a perogative of the creative mind. "For youthe and elde is often at debaat." -- G. Chaucer The best things in life aren't things. Where there's a will... there's a relative. One Nation, under God, with Liberty, Large Fries, and a Coke, to go. Odd fact: nobody in a beer commercial ever has a beer belly. Take my advice. I don't use it anyway. I think I just heard something hit a fan. Atheist: one with no invisible means of support. Removal of this tagline is prohibited by law. There is nothing like an ice cream cone in your armpit. And the Lord said, "Thou shalt not leave hairs unsplit." Christianity: Judaism for Windows. Do not adjust your mind -- the fault is with reality He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly. "Nobody goes there any more, it's too crowded." -- Yogi Berra I can't walk on water, but I can stagger on alcohol. I just washed my brain and I can't do a thing with it. Some mornings it's just not worth gnawing through the straps. Childish game: One at which you cannot beat your spouse. A dog, a plan, a canal. Pagoda! -- palindrome alpha version A man, a plan, a canal. Suez! -- palindrome beta version Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes. Palindrome: Now Ned, I am a maiden nun... Ned, I am a maiden won! Palindrome: Snug & raw was I ere I saw war & guns. I eat my coffee straight from the can. Why dilute it? Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. "Meow" "Woof" Jeez, it's really raining today. "Sure, when--" OINK OINK "Well, I'll be!" Dawn crept silently across the yard... searching for her car keys. Whoever decided to limit taglines to a single line can just kiss my Judgin' by the taste, I'd say the other one's Shinola. Have you noticed how many drivers get real mad if they miss you? It's clever, but is it art? I'll be normal when I'm dead! Be reasonable. Let's do it my way. You say money can't make me happy? Prove it to me. Looks like another case of Clue Deficit Disorder. Jesus appears at disco; states "I've risen and I can't get down" Only an idiot actually READS taglines. Could you please be a bit less specific? Mommy Mommy, there's a strange man in my head! Are dog biscuits made from Collie Flour? I am having an out of money experience. Artificial Reality Test Site "Daddy, what's this for?" Go ahead, make yourself at home... you can start by doing the dishes. Sheer SIZE! Farfignewton: a long way to the next cookie. It's tourist season? Then we can shoot them, right? I'm sorry, I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. These two nuns go into a bar... "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Don't do that, then!" "Am I going to die, doctor?" "Trust me, it's the last thing you'll do." If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need a doctor! Just what chicken and which road are we talking about? uh... uh... I forget. Contents may have settled during shipping. Objects in mirror are stupider than they appear. The moving cat sheds, and having shed, moves on. Drink your coffee! There are poor people in India sleeping. Instant human: just add coffee. Where am I going? And what am I doing in this handbasket? A Stoic brings the baby; a Cynic is where you bathe it. I should have quit while I was not as far behind. Your fifteen minutes are up. You non-conformists are all alike. I think I think, therefore I think. (I think...) Help the environment. Recycle your boss. Dyslexics of the world, untie! If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws. We are everywhere! Unfortunately, so are they. Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? Please save your burned out bulbs for me -- I'm building a darkroom. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? This message has been cruelly tested on cute furry little animals. You will get a fair trial, after which you will be shot. I tried to play my shoehorn but all I got was footnotes. Look at it sideways. You don't buy beer, you only rent it. You owe "Bob" a living. Ivan Stang says "Bob" said it; I believe it; that settles it. As "Bob" tells us, too much is always better than not enough. Dallas, 7:00 AM, July 5, 1998. Only Subgenii will be taken aboard. I say, put Schroedinger in the box and see how HE likes it. You can't have everything... where would you put it? Incontinence Hotline... can you hold? The conspiracy you've uncovered is just a front for the REAL conspiracy. That's just what I'd expect a dupe of the Conspiracy to say! I am not a rumor monger. I am simply passing on what I have heard. I am going to be assertive, if that is okay with you. What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? My tagline is better than your tagline. Zen Master to hotdog vendor: "Make me one with everything." I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. He's very careful with facts. So much so that he never touches them. "Cease, in the name of everything that doesn't suck!" -- Butthead Blow up your car. It's really fun. I'm working on my second million dollars... I gave up on the first. If I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails. Do you even know WHAT your children are? "Onnngh Yannngh" (Barrington Hall Memorial Tagline) It tastes just like chicken. Try this chicken. It tastes just like rattlesnake. Get thee down. Be thou funky. "I admit I am powerless over taglines and my life is unmanageable." Kill your television. How to make your wife angry during sex: call her up. Wench: What you use to turn the head of a dolt. Those darn Unitarians burned a question mark on my lawn! Latest figures show the death rate remaining steady at one per person. Self made men have one common problem: they worship their maker. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Life: a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate. Frog philosophy: Time's fun when you're having flies. Well shucky darn and slop the chickens. The law says you can have only one spouse. This is called monotony. Is that "woof" feed me; "woof" walk me; "woof" there's a burglar? What?? After analyzing all 26 plans, I find the optimum strategy is to run away. Scratch & Sniff [ ] Smells like glass, doesn't it? I'm going to grow birds. I planted some birdseed yesterday. Cats rule. Dogs drool. For more information, send a self-obsessed stomped elephant. I have two pets: a large main dog, and a small emergency backup one. Why do we park in the driveway and drive on the parkway? am I ¨umop apisdn The worst thing about censorship is ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ. Only an idiot actually READS taglines. "What purpose can be served by the death of our friend except to bring you pleasure?" -Spock (The Vians) "The Empath" Could you please be a bit less specific? "We must acknowledge, once and for all, that the purpose of diplomacy is to prolong a crisis." -Spock "The Mark of Gideon" Mommy Mommy, there's a strange man in my head! "Those who receive rewards are totally separated from those who shoulder the burdens." -Spock "The Cloud-Minders" Are dog biscuits made from Collie Flour? "If it weren't for the Catulan ambassador's son, they'd all be in the brig!" -Kirk "The Way to Eden" I am having an out of money experience. "They regard themselves as aliens within their own world, a condition I am somewhat familiar." -Spock "The Way to Eden" Artificial Reality Test Site "Tellerites do not argue for reasons. They simply argue." -Sarek "Journey to Babel" "Daddy, what's this for?" "At the time it seemed the logical thing to do." -Sarek "Journey to Babel" Go ahead, make yourself at home... you can start by doing the dishes. "Emotional...isn't she?" -Spock "Journey to babel" Sheer SIZE! "Constant exposure does lead to a certain degree of contamination." -Spock "Journey to Babel" Farfignewton: a long way to the next cookie. "The first time you've ever asked me for anything and it had to be an occasion like this." -McCoy "The Gamesters of Triskelion" It's tourist season? Then we can shoot them, right? "I am chasing the Captain, Lt. Uhura, and Ensign Chekov, not some wild aquatic fowl." -Spock "The Gamsters of Triskelion" I'm sorry, I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. "I believe we're experiencing the psychokinetic manifestations of Parmen's delerium." -Spock "Plato's Stepchildren" These two nuns go into a bar... "I found it an accelerating experience." -Kirk "Wink of an Eye" "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Don't do that, then!" "I am for you, James Kirk." -Losira "That Which Survives" "Am I going to die, doctor?" "Trust me, it's the last thing you'll do." "The ship feels wrong." -Scotty If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need a doctor! "He's dead, Jim." -McCoy Just what chicken and which road are we talking about? "What did somebody say...that Paradise must have looked like this...?" -Kirk "The Apple" uh... uh... I forget. "Lets get the hell out of here." -Kirk "The City on the Edge of Forever" Contents may have settled during shipping. "I intend to recommend you all for promotion...in whatever fleet we end up serving." -Kirk "Star Trek III" Objects in mirror are stupider than they appear. "Bridge, this is the captain. How can you have a yellow alert in spacedock?" -Captain Styles (USS Excelsior) "Star Trek III" The moving cat sheds, and having shed, moves on. "Computer, I caution you...I have little love for Beta 5 snobbery ... OVERRIDE!" -Gary Seven "Assignment: Earth" Drink your coffee! There are poor people in India sleeping. "Logic is a little chirping bird tweeting in a meadow." -Spock "I, Mudd" Instant human: just add coffee. "I am not programmed to respond in that area." -Alice & Norman Series "I, Mudd" Where am I going? And what am I doing in this handbasket? "Galloping around the galaxy is a game for the young." -Kirk "Star Trek II" A Stoic brings the baby; a Cynic is where you bathe it. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one." -Spock "Star Trek II & III" I should have quit while I was not as far behind. "How perceptive of you to notice that I needed one." -Commissioner Nancy Headford "Metamorphosis" Your fifteen minutes are up. "There is a word. Among us there is no corresponding meaning. But it seems to mean something to you humans." -Norman (Please) "I, Mudd" You non-conformists are all alike. "If we weren't missing two officers...I'd say someone was playing an elaborate trick or treat on us." -Kirk "Catspaw" I think I think, therefore I think. (I think...) "Who else would be playing cat and mouse with a starship?" -Scotty "A Private Little War" Help the environment. Recycle your boss. "Very bad poetry, Captain." -Spock "Catspaw" Dyslexics of the world, untie! "Are you real? I mean, I'm not imagining you, am I?" -Zefram Cochrane "Metamorphosis" If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws. "Leonard, you look at me like you don't believe me." -Nancy Crater "The Man Trap" We are everywhere! Unfortunately, so are they. "I'm a doctor! Not a bricklayer!" -McCoy "Devil in the Dark" Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? "With an arm full of this stuff, I wouldn't be afraid of a supernova!" -Sulu "Wolf in the Fold" Please save your burned out bulbs for me -- I'm building a darkroom. "Whoever he is, he sure talks gloomy." -Sulu "Wolf in the Fold" If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? "Nonsequitur...your facts are uncoordinated." -Nomad "The Changeling" This message has been cruelly tested on cute furry little animals. "Listen Kiddo, Jim Kirk was many things but he was never a boy scout -Dr. Carol Marcus "Star Trek II" You will get a fair trial, after which you will be shot. "I have deprived your ship of power, and when I swing around, I mean to deprive you of your life." -Khan "Star Trek II" I tried to play my shoehorn but all I got was footnotes. "Facinating...a totally parochial attitude!" -Spock "Metamorphosis" Look at it sideways. "He's as tight-lipped about it as an Aldebaron Shellmouth." -McCoy "Amok Time" You don't buy beer, you only rent it. "You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting." -Spock "Amok Time" You owe "Bob" a living. "Verbose, isn't he?" -Spock "Who Morns for Adonais" Ivan Stang says "Bob" said it; I believe it; that settles it. "They say there's no devil, Jim, But there it is, right out of hell." -Commodore Decker "The Doomsday Machine" As "Bob" tells us, too much is always better than not enough. "Captain, you mean my neck is going to have to depend on some spooky mumbo jumbo?" -Scotty "Wolf in the Fold" Dallas, 7:00 AM, July 5, 1998. Only Subgenii will be taken aboard. "I know you find each other facinating, but we're not here to conduct a field experiment in human biology." -Kirk "The Apple" I say, put Schroedinger in the box and see how HE likes it. "Well, a good nurse always treats her patients that way. It proves she's interested." -Nurse Chapel "A Private Little War" You can't have everything... where would you put it? "Well, I've heard of reluctant brides but this is ridiculous." -McCoy "Elaan of Troyius" Incontinence Hotline... can you hold? "You are outside. You are a disease. The disease must be destroyed." -The Melkotian "Spectre of the Gun" The conspiracy you've uncovered is just a front for the REAL conspiracy. "Well I'm relieved to hear your prognosis, Mr. Scott. Is the doctor there with you, or will I find him in engineering?" -Spock "The Lights of Zetar" That's just what I'd expect a dupe of the Conspiracy to say! "How long do you think you can keep taking that stuff?" -McCoy "The Immunity Syndrome" I am not a rumor monger. I am simply passing on what I have heard. "They toil not, neither do they spin. But they seem to eat a great deal." -Spock "The Trouble with Tribbles" I am going to be assertive, if that is okay with you. "The best diplomat I know is a fully charged phaser bank." -Scotty "A Taste of Armegeddon" What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? "In some parts of the galaxy, I've seen forms of entertainment which make this look like a folk dance." -Kirk "Bread and Circuses" My tagline is better than your tagline. "And now, if you will excuse me, I have a ship to attend to. Au Revoir." -Kirk "The Trouble with Tribbles" Zen Master to hotdog vendor: "Make me one with everything." "I think we ought to give room service another call. That coffee's taking too long." -Sulu "The Enemy Within" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "Unless you people on the bridge start taking showers with your clothes on, my engines can pull us out of anything." -Scotty "The Naked Time" He's very careful with facts. So much so that he never touches them. "You don't rank me and you don't have pointed ears so just get off my neck." -Lt. Tormolen "The Naked Time" "Cease, in the name of everything that doesn't suck!" -- Butthead "Attention crew...there will be a formal dance in the bowling alley at 1900 hours tonight." -Lt. Kevin Riley "The Naked Time" Blow up your car. It's really fun. "We're going in gentlemen, peacefully I hope, but peacefully or not, we're going in." -Kirk "A Taste of Armegeddon" I'm working on my second million dollars... I gave up on the first. "You're a healer, There's a patient. That's an order." -Kirk "Devil in the Dark" If I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails. "An entrance Captain, but no exit. They go in but they do not come out." -Spock "A Taste of Armegeddon" Do you even know WHAT your children are? "In our century we've learned not to fear words." -Uhura "The Savage Curtain" "Onnngh Yannngh" (Barrington Hall Memorial Tagline) "Our friend Trefayne is really quite intuitive. You can rest assured that what he says is absolutley correct." -Spock "Errand of Mercy" It tastes just like chicken. "I don't trust men that smile too much." -Kor, the Klingon "Errand of Mercy" Try this chicken. It tastes just like rattlesnake. "It is better to rule in hell than to serve in heaven." -Khan "Space Seed" Get thee down. Be thou funky. "Mind your own business , Mr. Spock. I'm tired of your half-breed interference!" -Kirks Android Double "What Are Little Girls Made Of" "I admit I am powerless over taglines and my life is unmanageable." "Are you out of your Vulcan mind?" -McCoy Kill your television. "I need your advice. Then I need a drink." -McCoy "Obsession" How to make your wife angry during sex: call her up. "Did you see the love light is Spock's eyes? The right computer finally acme along." -McCoy "The Ultimate Computer" Wench: What you use to turn the head of a dolt. "Note the sinister eyes and the malformed ears... definitely an inferior race." -Deputy Fuehrer Melakon "Patterns of Force" Those darn Unitarians burned a question mark on my lawn! "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." -Scotty "Friday's Child" Latest figures show the death rate remaining steady at one per person. "Spock's contaminating this boy, Jim." -McCoy "Who Morns for Adonais" Self made men have one common problem: they worship their maker. "I begin to like you earthman, and I saw fear in the Klingon's eyes." -A Capellian "Friday's Child" What happens if you get scared half to death twice? "In every revolution there is one man with a vision." -Kirk "Mirror, Mirror" Life: a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate. "Would you mind being careful where you throw your rocks, Mr. Spock?" -Kirk "The Apple" Frog philosophy: Time's fun when you're having flies. "The creation of perfection is no error." -Nomad "The Changeling" Well shucky darn and slop the chickens. "Your logic was impeccable, Captain. We are in great danger." -Spock "The Changeling" The law says you can have only one spouse. This is called monotony. "Sir, the Romulans do not take prisoners." -Chekov "The Deadly Years" Is that "woof" feed me; "woof" walk me; "woof" there's a burglar? What?? "Spock, your're going to love it here. They all talk just the way you do." -Harry Mudd "I, Mudd" After analyzing all 26 plans, I find the optimum strategy is to run away. "Mind your place mister or you'll be wearing concrete golashes." -Scotty "A Piece of the Action" Scratch & Sniff [ ] Smells like glass, doesn't it? "President Lincoln indeed!...no doubt to be followed by Louis of France and Robert the Bruce!" -Scotty "The Savage Curtain" I'm going to grow birds. I planted some birdseed yesterday. "You bring this network's rating down...and we'll do a special on you!" -Centurion "Bread and Circuses" Cats rule. Dogs drool. "One more like that and I'm going to lose both these men! -McCoy "Journey to Babel" For more information, send a self-obsessed stomped elephant. "From Hell's heart I stab at thee. For hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee." -Khan "Star Trek II" I have two pets: a large main dog, and a small emergency backup one. "Would you like to see just how fast I can put you in a hospital?" -McCoy "This Side of Paradise" Why do we park in the driveway and drive on the parkway? "Cold it was, like a stinking draft out of a slaughterhouse." -Scotty "Wolf in the Fold" am I ¨umop apisdn "On the contrary, Sir...I think of this project as very important. It is you I take lightly." -Spock "The Trouble with Tribbles" The worst thing about censorship is ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ. "It was inwented by a little olds lady from Leningrad." -Chekov "The Trouble with Tribbles" PROTECTO First Pull Up   Then Pull Down "Maybe we can't break it, but I'll bet you credits to navy beans that we can put a dent in it!" -Lt. DeSalle "Catspaw" "I don't like that. I don't believe I ever did. Now I'm sure." -Spock "All Our Yesterdays" "Well whaddya know...I finally got the last word!" -McCoy "Journey to Babel" "Well, it's...ah...it's green." -Scotty "By Any Other Name" "You think that's what I want...to become one of them... become my own enemy?" -Alexander "Plato's Stepchildren" "That spot - I spilled acid there a year ago. Jim, what in blazes is this?" -McCoy "Mirror, Mirror" "In my cabin there's a device that will make you invincible." -Kirk "Mirror, Mirror" "I have never questioned the orders or the intelligence of any represenative of the Federation...until now." -Kirk "The Trouble with Tribbles" "I am close to experiencing an unaccustomed emotion." -Spock "Requiem for Methuselah" "Stay out of this! We're fighting over a woman!" -Spock "Turnabout Intruder" "A lie is a very poor way to say hello." -Edith Keeler "City on the Edge of Forever" I transported the whole kit-and-kaboodle into their engine room, where they'll be no tribble at all." -Scotty "The Trouble with Tribbles" "Everybody remember where we parked." -Kirk "Star Trek IV" "Klingon justice is a unique point of view, Mr. President." -Sarek "Star Trek IV" "I don't know if you got the whole picture or not... but he's not exactly working on all thrusters. -McCoy "Star Trek IV" "Facinating...If my suspicions are correct, there can be no response to this messsage." -Spock "Star Trek IV" "Double dumb-ass on you!" -Kirk "Star Trek IV" "It's a miracle these people ever got out of the 21st century." -McCoy "Star Trek IV" "They like you very much but they are not the hell your whales." -Spock "Star Trek IV" "I am from Iowa. I only work in outer space." -Kirk "Star Trek IV" "Are you sure this isn't the time for a colorful metaphor?" -Spock "Star Trek IV" "You're not exactly catching us at our best." -Kirk "Star Trek IV" "Why, how do we know he didn't invent the thing? -Scotty "Star Trek IV" "Yes, but you would be rich beyond the dreams of avarice." -McCoy "Star Trek IV" "Sounds like the Spanish Inqusition." -McCoy "Star Trek IV" "Mr. Scott cannot give me exact figures Admiral, so I must make a guess." -Spock "Star Trek IV" "You call this relaxing? I'm a nervous wreck. If I'm not careful I'll end up talking to myself." -McCoy "Star Trek V" "You really piss me off." -McCoy "Star Trek V" "Alright! We're lost! But we're making good time." -Sulu "Star Trek V" "I like him better before he died." -McCoy "Star Trek V" "Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space." -Khan "Star Trek II" "What does God need with a Starship?" -Kirk "Star Trek V" "I doubt any God that inflicts pain for his own pleasure." -McCoy "Star Trek V" "Imagine that, a passionate Vulcan." -McCoy "Star Trek V" "Make it so, Number One." -Picard (oops, wrong generation!) "Guess who's comming to dinner?" -Chekov "Star Trek VI" "I'm going to go sleep this off. Please let me know if there is any other way we can screw up tonight." -Kirk "Star Trek VI" "Hardly conclusive Mr. Scott, since Klingons have no tear ducts." -Spock "Star Trek VI" "I've never trusted Klingons. I never will. I've never forgiven them for the death of my son." -Kirk "Star Trek VI" "An ancestor of mine maintained that if you eliminate the impossible whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." -Spock "Star Trek VI" "Maybe you remember the Russian fable Cinderella. If the shoe fits, wear it." -Chekov "Star Trek VI" "What you want is irrelevant. What you have is what is at hand." -Spock "Star Trek VI" "He's dead Jim... You get the watch, I'll grab the wallet!"