There was a young lady of Exeter,|So pretty, that men craned their necks at her.|One went so far|As to wave from his car|The distinguished mark of his sex at her.
There was a young fellow named Scott|Who took a girl out on his yacht--|But too lazy to rape her|He made darts of brown paper,|Which he languidly tossed at her twat.
An ancient but jolly old bloke|Once picked up a girl for a poke;|First took down her pants,|Fucked her into a trance,|Then shit in her shoe for a joke.
There was a young lady named Dowd|Whom a young fellow groped in the crowd.|But the thing that most vexed her|Was that when he stood next her|He said, "How's your cunt?" right out loud.
There was a young student of Trinity|Who shattered his sister's virginity.|He buggered his brother,|Had twins by his mother,|And took double honors in Divinity.
The gay young Duke of Buckingham|Stood on the bridge at Rockingham|Watching the stunts|Of the cunts and the punts|And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em.
Said Oscar McDingle O'Figgle|With an almost hysterical giggle,|"Last night I was sick|With delight when my prick|Felt dear Alfred's delicious ass wriggle!"
A vice both obscure and unsavory|Kept the Bishop in Slavery:|Midst terrible howls|He deflowered young owls|In his crypt fitted out as an avery.
A hermit who had an oasis|Thought it the best of all places:|He could pray and be calm|'Neath a pleasant date-palm|While the lice on his ballocks ran races.
"Fuck me quick, fuck me deep, fuck me oft|In the bog, in the bath, in the loft,|Up my ass, up my quim,|Knees, armpits, lip rim|With your prick, but PLEASE, nothing soft."
A preposterous King of Siam|Said, "For women I don't care a damn.|But a fat bottomed boy|Is my prode and my joy--|They call me a bugger: I am!
There are three ladies of Huxham,|And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em.|When that game grows stale|We sits on a rail,|Pulls out our pricks, and they sucks 'em.
Then up spake the Bey of Algiers,|"I've been knocking around for long years,|And my language is blunt:|A cunt IS a cunt|And fucking IS fucking"--(loud cheers).
Hearing this, mewed the young King of Spain,|"To fuck and to bugger is shame.|But it's not INFRA DIG|To occasionally frig--|So I do it again and again."
When Titian was mixing rose madder,|His model was poised on a ladder.|"Your position," said Titian,|"Inspires coition."|So he nipped up the ladder and 'ad 'er.
An organist playing in York|Had a prick that could hold a small fork.|And between obligatos|He'd munch at tomatoes,|And keep up his strength while at work.
It always delights me at Hanks|To walk up the old river banks.|One time in the grass|I stepped on an ass,|And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks!"
"Far dearer to me than my treasure,"|The heiress declared, "Is my leisure.|For then I can screw|The whole Harvard crew--|They're slow, but that lengthens the pleasure."
There was a young man from the Coast|Who had an affair with a ghost.|At the height of the orgasm|Said the pallid phantasm,|"I think I can feel it--almost!"
There was a young lady from Kew|Who filled her vagina with glue.|She said with a grin,|"If they pay to get in,|They'll pay to get out of it too."
Here's to it, and through it, and to it again,|To suck it, and screw it, and screw it again!|So in with it, out with it,|Lord work his will with it!|Never a day we don't do it again!
There was a debauched little wench|Whom nothing could ever make blench.|She admitted men's poles,|At all possible holes,|And she'd bugger, fuck, jerk off, and french.
There was a young man of Coblenz|Whose ballocks were simply immense:|It took forty-four draymen,|A priest and three laymen|To carry them thither and thence.
There was a young maid named Clottery|Who was having a fuck on a rockery.|She said, "Listen, chum,|You've come on my bum!|This isn't a fuck, it's a mockery."
A sweet young strip-dancer named Jane|Wore five inches of thin cellophane.|When asked why she wore it|She said, "I abhor it,|But my cunt juice would spatter like rain."
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves|Likes to jack-off the young men she loves.|She will use her bare fist|If the fellows insist|But she really prefers to wear gloves.
The Rajah of Afghanistan|Imported a Birmingham can,|Which he set as a thrown|On a great Buddha stone--|But he crapped out-of-doors like a man.
A scandal involving an oyster|Sent the Countess of Clewes to a cloister.|She preferred it in bed|To the Count, so she said,|Being longer, and stronger, and moister.
A lady on climbing Mount Shasta|Complained as the mountain grew vaster,|That it wasn't the climb|Nor the dirt and the grime,|But the ice on her ass that harassed her.
When a woman in strapless attire|Found her breasts working higher and higher,|A guest, with great feeling,|Exclaimed, "How appealing!|Do you mind if I piss in the fire?"
If Leo your own birthday marks|You will fuck until 40, when starts|A new pleasure in stamps,|Boy Scouts and their camps,|And fondling nude statues in parks.
There was a young blade from South Greece|Whose bush did so greatly increase|That before he could shack|He must hunt needle in stack.|'Twas as bad as being obese.
There was a young man of Bengal|Who went to a fancy dress ball.|He was draped like a tree|Having failed to foresee|Being pissed on by dogs, cats, and all.
A maiden who lived in Virginny|Had a cunt that could bark, neigh, and whinny.|The hunting set chased her,|Fucked, buggered, then dropped her|For the pitch of her organ went tinny.
"'Tis my custom," said dear Lady Norris,|"To beg lifts from the drivers of lorries.|When they get out to piss|I see things that I miss|At the wheel of my two-seater Morris."
A mediaevil recluse named Sissions|Was alarmed by his nightly ommissions.|His cell-mate, a sod,|Said, "Leave it to God,"|And taught him some nifty positions.
In the city of Paris are wives|Who, when not scratching their hives,|Are waiting for tourists|Who might act as purists|And give them the ride of their lives.
There was a young artist named Frentzel|Whose tool was as sharp as a pencil.|He pricked through an actress,|The sheet and the mattress,|And busted the bedroom utensil.
All the lady-apes ran from King Kong|For his dong was unspeakably long.|But a friendly giraffe|Quaffed his yard and a half,|And ecstatically burst into song.
The prior of Dunstan St. Just,|Consumed with erotical lust,|Raped the bishop's prize fowls,|Buggered four startled owls|And a little green lizard, that bust.
"In my salad days," said Lady Bierly,|"I took my cocks fairly and squarely.|But now when they come|They go right up my bum--|And that only happens but rarely."
The Marquesa de Excusador|Used to pee on the drawing-room floor,|For the can was so cold|And when one grows old|To be much alone is a bore.
"It's been a very full day,"|Yawned Lady Mary McDougle McKay.|"Three cherry tarts,|At least twenty farts,|Two shits and a bloody fine lay."
An elderly pervert in Nice|Who was long past wanting a piece|Would jack-off his hogs,|His cows and his dogs,|Till his parrot called in the police.
"Great God!" wailed Peter McGuff.|"What the devil is all of this stuff!|She twiddles my prick,|Gets it stiff as a stick,|And denies me the use of her muff."
There was a young parson named Binns|Who talked about woman and things.|But his secret desire|Was a boy in the choir|With a bottom like jelly on springs.
There was a young Scot of Delray|Who buggered his father one day,|Saying, "I like it rather|To stuff it up father;|He's clean--and there's nothing to pay."
There was an old man of Dundee|Who came home as drunk as could be.|He wound up the clock|With the end of his cock,|And buggered his wife with the key.
There was an old critic named West|Whose penis came up to his chest.|He said, "I declare,|I have no pubic hair."|So he covered his nuts with his vest.
The nephew of one of the Czars|Used to suck off Rasputin at Yars,|Till the peasants revolted,|The royal family bolted--|Now they're under the sickle and stars.
There was a young lady named Alice|Who was having a piss in a chalice.|"What a stunt," said a monk,|"To twiddle your cunt,|Not through need but through Protestant malice."
There was a young student named Howells|Shot his sperm o'er a young coed's bowels.|He said, "I regret|That I've made you so wet--|And I fear I am quite out of towels."
There was an old man who could piss|Through a ring--and what's more, never miss.|Marksmen queued up to cheer,|Brought him beer after beer,|And swore oaths on his urinal hiss.
There was a young man of high station|Who was found by a pious relation|Making love in a ditch|To--I won't say a bitch--|But a woman of NO reputation.
A broken-down harlot named Tupps|Was heard to confess in her cups:|"The height of my folly|Was fucking a collie--|But I got a nice price for the pups."
A passionate red-headed girl,|When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,|And her twat would get wet|And would wiggle and fret,|And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
There was a young man from Lynn|Whose cock was the size of a pin.|Said his girl with a laugh|As she fondled his staff,|"This won't be much of a sin."
To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!|Your cunt is as big as a dish!"|She replied, "Why, you fool,|With your limp little tool|It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
There was a young fellow named Brewster|Who said to his wife as he goosed her,|"It used to be grand|But just look at my hand!|You ain't wiping as clean as you used to."
There was a young girl named McCall|Whose cunt was exceedingly small,|But the size of her anus|Was something quite heinous--|It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
A cretin who lived in an attic|Was fallaciously rated as static;|But how little they knew--|His knob was not blue--|But hoary and necrophilatic.
There was a young girl of Dundee|Who was raped by an ape in a tree.|The result was most horrid--|All ass and no forehead,|Three balls and a purple goatee.
There once was a gay young Parisian|Who screwed an appendix incision,|And the girl of his choice|Could hardly rejoice|At this horrible lack of precision.
When a lecherous curate at Leeds|Was discovered, one day, in the weeds|Astride a young nun,|He said, "Christ, this is fun!|Far better than telling one's beads!"
There was a young lady of Crewe|Whose cherry a chap had got through--|Which she told to her mother|Who fixed her another|Out of rubber and red ink and glue.
There was a young dancer, Priscilla,|Who flavored her cunt with vanilla.|The taste was so fine,|Men and beasts stood in line,|Including a stud armadilla.
There once was a cuntlapper's daughter|Who, despite all her father had taught her,|Would become so unstrung|At the touch of a tongue|That she'd deluge her beau with her water.
There was a young girl in Alsace|Who was having her first piece of ass.|"Oh, darling, you'll kill me!|Oh, dearest, you thrill me|Like Father John's thumb after mass!"
A modern young lady named Hall|Went out to a birth-control ball.|She was loaded with pessaries|And other accessories,|But no one approached her at all.
A handsome young monk in a wood|Told a girl she should cling to the good.|She obeyed him, and gladly;|He repulsed her, but sadly;|"My dear, you have misunderstood."
There was a young man of St. Johns|Who wanted to bugger the swans.|"Oh no," said the porter,|"You bugger my daughter,|Them swans is reserved for the Dons."
There was a young man from Axminster|Whose designs were quite base and quite sinister.|His lifelong ambition|Was anal coition|With the wife of the French foreign minister.
A team playing baseball in Dallas|Called the umpire a shit out of malice.|While this worthy had fits,|The team made eight hits|And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,|"You have told me my bosom is snowy;|You have made much fine verse on|Each part of my person,|Now DO something--there's a good boy!"
There was a young girl of Detroit|Who at fucking was very adroit;|She could squeeze her vagina|To a pin-point, or finer,|Or open it out like a quoit.
And she had a friend named Durand|Whose cock could contract or expand.|He could diddle a midge|Or the arch of a bridge--|Their performance together was grand!
There was a young lady named Hall|Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.|The dress caught on fire|And burned her entire|Front page, sporting section, and all.
A disgusting young man named McGill|Made his neighbors exceedingly ill|When they learned of his habits|Involving white rabbits|And a bird with a flexible bill.
There was a young fellow from Leeds|Who swallowed a package of seeds.|Great tufts of grass|Sprouted out of his ass|And his balls were all covered with weeds.
There was a young girl whose divinity|Preserved her in perfect virginity,|Till a candle, her nemesis,|Caused parthenogenesis--|Now she thinks herself one of the Trinity.
In the reign of King George the Third,|The fashionable fuck was a bird:|The hole of a sparrow|Was dry, pink and narrow,|And was oiled with hummingbirds' turd.
There was a young lady named Nelly|Whose tits could be joggled like jelly.|They could tickle her twat,|Or be tied in a knot,|And could even swat flies on her belly.
"The testes are coolor outside,"|Said the doc to the curious bride.|"For the semen must not|Get too fucking hot,|And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
There was an old parson of Lundy|Fell asleep in his vestry on Sunday.|He awoke with a scream:|"What, another wet dream!|That's what comes from not frigging since Monday."
Said Edna St. Vincent Millay|As she lay in the hay all asplay,|"If you can make wine|From these grapes, I opine,|We'll stay in this barn until May."
A chap down in Oklahoma|Had a cock that could sing LA PALOMA,|But the sweetness of pitch|Couldn't put off the hitch|Of impotence, size and aroma.
The grand-niece of Madame Du Barry|Suspected her son was a fairy.|"It's peculiar," said she,|"But he sits down to pee,|And stands when I bathe the canary."
A gentleman living in Fife|Made love to the corpse of his wife.|"How could I know, Judge?|She was cold, did not budge--|Just the same as she acted in life."
While pissing on deck, an old boatswain|Fell asleep, and his pisser got frozen.|It snapped at the shank,|It fell off and sank|In the sea--'twas his own fault for dozin'!
When a girl, young Elizabeth Barrett|Was found by her Ma in a garret,|She had shoved up a diamond|As far as her hymen,|And was ramming it home with a carrot.
There was a young fellow of Mayence|Who fucked his own ass in defiance|Not only of habit|And morals but-- damn it!--|Most of the known laws of science.
There was a young lady of Cheam|Who crept into the vestry unseen.|She pulled down her knickers,|Likewise the vicar's,|And said, "How about it, old bean?"
"At a seance," said a young man named Post,|"I was being sucked off by a ghost;|Someone switched on the lights|And there in gauze tights,|On his knees, was Tobias mine host."
In his garden remarked Lord Larkeeling:|"A fig for your digging and weeding.|I like watching birds|While they're dropping their turds,|And spying on guinea pigs breeding."
There was a young girl of Kilkenny|On whose genital parts there were many|Venereal growths--|The result of wild oats|Sown there by a fellow named Benny.
The modern cinematic emporium|Is not just a super-sensorium|But a highly effectual|Heterosexual|Mutual masturbation.
When Brother John wanted a screw|He would stuff a fat cat in a shoe,|Pull up his cassock|And kneel on a hassock|While doing his damndest to mew.
"It's dull in Duluth, Minnesota,|Of spirit there's not an iota--"|Complained Alice to Joe|Who tried not to show|That he yawned in her snatch as he blowed her.
The Shah of the Empire of Persia|Lay for days in a sexual merger.|When the nautch asked the Shah,|"Won't you ever withdraw?"|He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
There was a young curate of Eltham|Who wouldn't fuck girls, but he felt 'em.|In lanes he would linger|And play at stick-finger,|And scream with delight when he smelt 'em.