S5 P1 EP ¤3¥2YOUR HOROSCOPES¥1¤1 At last there's no need to worry about your future!! As your local homeboy Replay is here to sort out life's little worries and tell you straight just how good or bad you can expect your life to be in the next month. ¤3Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) ¤1Oh dearrie me, how sad... I'm afraid you are going to be run over by a bus on your way to the post office. Then you will be rushed off to the hospital to undergo major operations and your life will be saved. But there is some bad news as when you return home, I'm afraid your wife/girl/bitch is in bed with the milkman and the postman. Sorry, but the stars have something nice planned for you next time! ð ¤3Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 20) ¤1The rather potent combination of Mars and the full moon will mean that although the neogistical and the physical logic and dehypertension side of things will run smoothly, the influentical and non-defulkuation way your behaviour behaves means that you will not understand these words as even I don`t, and it was me who copied them from the dictionary... Also you will meet several tall dark strangers on the night of the 17th in the form of several members of FAST and the local scum. You may spend the rest of your life in jail, but look on the bright side... er?? ummm... ¤3Pisces (Feb 21 - Mar 20) ¤1I'm afraid it is me, the one who has to tell you this; but your wife is going to have a miscarriage of her baby on the 12th. It doesn`t matter Ð what you do - even lock her up so that nothing can possibly happen. This will still happen... Also you are going to go into a serious coma and nearly die only for a very smart young nurse who thought of the brainwave idea to let you drop from a parashute at 10,000 miles up. It was either wake up and pull the cord, or die. Unfortunately for her you woke up. Sorry again all you one in twelve unlucky sods... ¤3Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) ¤1Early in this month I'm afraid you are going to be mugged while walking home with your new 999.99 quid multi-play, remote control, twin deck tape recorder, 5000 watts, Hi-Fi. Although they didn't get away with your change from a one thousand quid note I`m afriad you`ll never see that again. ð Hard luck old chum. ¤3Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) ¤1A bitch you bucked at the local nightclub last year is going to turn up at your doorstep with your child. The old tart is obvious going to want some money, so I'd advise you to slam the door on her face. If your wife says anything, tell her it was a Jehova's witness and not to worry. The old tart won't be beaten yet, until you've received some threatening letters from her solicitor. So if you want to keep your marriage then move house or send your wife on a holiday for six months while the court case is on. Or even just slip the old tart a few quid, then tell her to go and fuck herself. ¤3Gemini (May 22 - June 21) ¤1I'm afraid you are going to have quite Ð an excellent month. On the 12th to the 14th you are going to Cushendall to get completely pissed and yet while you're there you'll be stoned quite often also. Then when you return back to shitty Belfast you will be pissed every night until you go to an Eclipse party in Dublin on the 28th and get completely pissed and meet all your contacts, and ofcourse make a complete dick out of yourself by falling into a extremly large pile of cows' extremly smelly stuff which bypasses the anus unto the ground. ¤3Cancer (June 22 - July 23) ¤1It's bad news for you also. I`m afraid the stars don`t like the name camcer so they have decided to give you all cancer, so you will all die! Good riddance I say, because you're all a pack of wankers, thinking you can run around there with your colour TV sets ð and your Jack Nicholas golf clubs. All you cancers make me feel sick. I hope you all do get cancer, because you're nothing but a bunch of losers, wankers, whore-mutha-fuckas, dick- wipe, ass-bandit, jive-walking, mutha-fuckas!!! ¤3Leo (July 24 - Aug 23) ¤1Well, well, well... If it isn't Mr. Leo. Well let me tell you this you pommie, bastard - I`ll knock the fuck out of you anyday and your fucking baseball bat... Oh shit, completely dosed off there... All you Leos are going to experience a wonderful month. First you're gonna touch for a fucking ace bit of pussy at work. Then you are going to win the pools and littlewoods are going to be broke what with one person in twelve winning the pools. You will then have the money to hire out a classy hotel anytime you want to Ð take this bit out for a good shagging session. And if it isn't too much trouble mate, send 'ol Replay up a bit of dosh for telling you!! ¤3Virgo (Aug 24 - Sept 23) ¤1Even though you are a grumpy bastard and never smile and anytime someone tells a good joke you would rather punch them than laugh, people will really see that you are a kind loving soul inside as you are going to be so kind to donate all your money to 'ol Replay or the piccies of you and that tart you meet when you say you're on a business trip will have to be shown. Please send all your money in a tight, strong container to my address with it filled to the brim with 20 pound notes (No postal orders, cheques, or credit cards and please no stingey 10 pounds notes - they only waste space.) And be sure to rap it up ð well or some cunt from the post office may have an extremly itchy hand!! ¤3Libra (Sept 24 - Oct 23) ¤1Not your month mate. First you are going to be caught reading pornographic magazines by your mates and get a right fucking dick made out of yourself. To add to that you will get knocked backed (KB'ed) from the local pub for being under-age when you are really 25. Then to add to the insult you will be shot dead my some raving lunatic running around shouting "England for the World Cup" (What a joke!!). ¤3Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21) ¤1I'm afraid that you are going to receive loads of virus on each and every disk you receive each month! Your total software collection will be ruined and also you will lend a disk Ð to a big 6 foot 10. mutha-fucka and he will also get loadsa virus so he will prompty smash your face several times against several walls. Also one of your disks will be from someone who wrote to you a while ago and you didn't reply to, and he will have laced the disk with match heads and so when you insert the disk in the drive the heads will light them and BOOOOM!! Watch out for it mate!! ¤3Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) ¤1While out camping with your mates 20,000 miles away from anywhere, you will fall about 459 meters from the top of a mountain and land on your little finger. Well, not just your little finger as when it hits the ground the rest of you will go through the ground after it. Basically you will never walk, talk, eat, hear, touch and watch Eldorado again in your ð life but look on the bright side... NO MORE FUCKING BEETLES ABOUT ON T.V. !!! Now, I hope you have enjoyed reading my horoscopes, so if you're still alive and able to read, tune in next week for a special edition of -=FUCK YOU MATE!!=- Ð