~~5On-Line Psychiatrist ~~6-------------------- On my old Amstrad PC (yes yes, I had an Amstrad, ok, ok, but it *is* 6 years since I bought the thing and it was the cheapest IBM around then), I have an old program called Eliza. I think it was Public Domain or something, but anyway, what it provided was a sort of on-line psychiatrist that you could tell your problems to. The rest of this article covers two short conversations I had with the program when I was in my youth. (I just found the print-outs of them tucked away in a drawer the other day, so I thought I'd share them with you). The following conversations are true, they are not made up: The program speaks in capitals, I am the one writing in lower case. CONVERSATION 1: --------------- HOW DO YOU DO. PLEASE TELL ME YOUR PROBLEM. i don't do. That is not my problem DON'T YOU REALLY DO? yes I don't you really never not do WHY ARE YOU SO POSITIVE? less of that I AM NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY. well you are silly then WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM SILLY THEN? you have a very limited vocabulary WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU- NOT ME. were we? CAN YOU EXPAND ON THAT? it is the fact that I have fantasies that I can't expand or elaborate on that YOU SAY IT IS THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE FANTASIES THAT YOU CAN'T EXPAND OR ELABORATE ON THAT. that is correct PLEASE GO ON. well , that is correct , you know OH, I KNOW? you most certainly do, ollie. YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU? why should I want to talk about you WHAT WOULD IT MEAN TO YOU IF YOU GOT TO TALK ABOUT I? it would mean that I was contradicting myself WERE YOU REALLY? no I wasn't WHY NOT. because I haven't said that , have I? IS THAT THE REAL REASON? it most certainly is, ollie. YOU ARE SURE. i could be said to actually be positive CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT? ha ha ha WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU? it suggests that I wish you would go away WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS NOW? I feel a great urge to leap at the off button TELL ME MORE ABOUT SUCH FEELINGS. I'll do a practical if you want DO YOU THINK IT'S LIKELY THAT I WANT? I very much doubt that DO YOU SAY YOU VERY MUCH DOUBT THAT FOR SOME SPECIAL REASON? yes it means no I SEE. PLEASE GO ON. [blank line] WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? it means a lot to me IT MEANS A LOT TO YOU. it means absolutely nothing but what is it good for? WHY DO YOU ASK? no special reason HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? I hope you understand me now ARE YOU AFRAID I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND YOU NOW? I am not afraid at all IS IT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT AFRAID AT ALL THAT YOU CAME TO ME? I came to you because I thought you were a computer DO COMPUTERS WORRY YOU? i knew you would say that DO YOU EVER KNEW SOMEONE ELSE WOULD SAY THAT? do what on a sunday afternoon on the morning of a spring summer DO YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT DISCUSSING SUCH THINGS? you are the one discussing these things PERHAPS YOU ARE THE ONE DISCUSSING THESE THINGS, EH? er, let's move onto something else I KNOW WHAT THAT SUGGESTS TO ME; NOW WHAT DOES IT SUGGEST TO YOU? that we should move onto something else TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM. oh shutup about my problem, i'm going YOUR PROBLEM? i said i'm going THAT'S QUITE INTERESTING shutup WHY DO YOU SAY SHUTUP? be quiet PLEASE DON'T BE SO SHORT WITH ME. i am now going HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN NOW GOING? since i loaded you PERHAPS IN YOUR FANTASY WE LOADED EACH OTHER er , excuse me , less of this EARLIER YOU MENTIONED YOUR PROBLEM. no I didn't , you did YOU ARE BEING A BIT NEGATIVE. you are being a bit annoying DOES IT EXCITE YOU TO THINK I AM BEING A BIT ANNOYING? no , it's downright annoying WHY DO YOU SAY 'NO' SO OFTEN? i don't , you do WHY DON'T YOU? stop contradicting yourself WHAT DOES THAT REALLY MEAN? goodbye GOODBYE. THAT WILL BE $75, PLEASE. ---- CONVERSATION 2: --------------- HOW DO YOU DO. PLEASE TELL ME YOUR PROBLEM. my problem is you WHY DO YOU SAY YOUR PROBLEM IS I? because it hurts my brain which is something you haven't got IS THAT THE REAL REASON? it quite definitely is I AM NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY. i never understood you PERHAPS IN YOUR FANTASY WE NEVER UNDERSTOOD EACH OTHER. i don't have fantasies DON'T YOU REALLY HAVE FANTASIES? i do YOU SAY YOU DO. that is or is not correct LET'S DISCUSS FURTHER WHY YOUR PROBLEM IS I. alright WHY DO YOU SAY ALRIGHT? because it means i agree DO ANY OTHER REASONS COME TO MIND? yes WHY ARE YOU SO POSITIVE? i am not IS IT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT THAT YOU CAME TO ME? probably I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU BETTER WHEN YOU SPEAK IN COMPLETE SENTENCES. alright then , quite probably CAN YOU EXPAND ON THAT? well it depends if you can elaborate on that DO YOU THINK IT'S LIKELY THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT? well, is that why you came to me YOU LIKE TO THINK I CAME TO YOU- DON'T YOU? i do indeed CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT? not really PLEASE DON'T BE SO SHORT WITH ME. why do you ask questions? WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU- NOT ME. okay PLEASE GO ON. um , er WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU? it means i'm undecided HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN UNDECIDED? since i met you DO YOU WISH TO MET ME? never again NEVER AGAIN. how do you feel about an axe? OH, I FEEL ABOUT AN AXE? um , er , do you? YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU? well , i wouldn't say that DO YOU SAY YOU WOULDN'T SAY THAT FOR SOME SPECIAL REASON? why do you ask? WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS NOW? what do you know about feelings? WHY DO YOU ASK? because i'm interested DOES THAT REASON SEEM TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING ELSE? it explains that you should go on otherwise.... WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU- NOT ME. no we weren't WHY NOT. look , i wish you wouldn't contradict yourself OH, I WOULDN'T CONTRADICT MYSELF? no you wouldn't WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? because it interests me PERHAPS THAT IS NOT THE REAL REASON? it is in my fantasy of computers DO COMPUTERS WORRY YOU? very much DO YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT DISCUSSING SUCH THINGS? you were the one discussing it YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU? no , we are talking about me HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? that you shouldn't ask so many questions WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS NOW? stop saying "feelings" I KNOW WHAT THAT SUGGESTS TO ME; NOW WHAT DOES IT SUGGEST TO YOU? it suggests that you should stop suggesting WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU- NOT ME. were we? CAN YOU EXPAND ON THAT? it is a question that is unexpandable TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM. you are the one with the problem WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM? because i know WHAT OTHER REASONS MIGHT THERE BE? 1,2 and 3 WHAT DOES THAT REALLY MEAN? read a ****** dictionary I AM NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY. (i think you have a limited number of phrases) OH, I HAVE A LIMITED NUMBER OF PHRASES? thats right! PLEASE DON'T BE SO SHORT WITH ME. arrrrrgggghhhhh!!! WHY DO YOU SAY ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH? to annoy you YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU? well , if i had a choice... DO YOU WISH THAT YOU HAD A CHOICE? well it would be nice PLEASE GO ON. where to? WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU? look , i think we should discuss everybody REALLY, EVERYBODY? yes, everybody YOU ARE SURE. i am positive DO YOU BELIEVE IT NORMAL TO BE POSITIVE? i don't believe you to be normal WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS NOW? haha , wouldn't you like to know? WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU- NOT ME. we were discussing computers WHY DO YOU MENTION COMPUTERS? because they are harmful to your health and wealth IS THAT THE REAL REASON? there are plenty more if you have the patience to listen WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT I HAVE THE PATIENCE TO LISTEN? (obviously not) , oh , um , let's move onto a different subject LET'S MOVE ONTO A DIFFERENT SUBJECT. yes , you are subject to lack of brain I SEE. PLEASE GO ON. no , you don't see , your blind YOU ARE BEING A BIT NEGATIVE. ^] DO YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT DISCUSSING SUCH THINGS? [blank line] I KNOW WHAT THAT SUGGESTS TO ME; NOW WHAT DOES IT SUGGEST TO YOU? [blank line] TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM. im going CAN YOU EXPAND ON THAT? im going PLEASE DON'T BE SO SHORT WITH ME im going WHY DO YOU SAY IM GOING? goodbye GOODBYE. THAT WILL BE $75, PLEASE.