God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School
Board
   -- Mark Twain

Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax
collectors and miss

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.

I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.

Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic

Today is the first day of the rest of the mess

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after
you.

Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.

Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally
getting enough cheese

Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back

Go 'way!  You're bothering me!

Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
   -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.

Chicken Soup:  An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts
of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment
chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's
mother.
   -- Arthur Naiman

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it
to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says
that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a
minute seems like an hour.  But if you're sitting with a
beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
   -- Arthur Naiman

A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit.  The
first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor.  "Just bend them at the elbow
and hold them out in front of you.  See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing.  Just hunch your back up a little...no, a
little more...that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack.  There you
go.  Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
street.  Reba and Florence see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
   -- Arthur Naiman

Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
Chile.  Murray just got a new camera and is constantly
snapping pictures.  One day, without knowing it, he
photographs a top-secret military installation.  In an
instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle
them off to prison.
They can't prove who they are because they've left their
passports in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're
tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in
the liberation movement..  Finally they're hauled in front of
a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to
death.
The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
they'll be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad
asks them if they have any lasts requests.  Esther wants to
know if she can call her daughter in Chicago.  The sergeant
says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray.
"This is crazy!" Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
spits in the sergeants face.
"Murray!" Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
   -- Arthur Naiman

Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks
around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working
order.
A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"  The cantor, not
to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
am nobody!"  The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who
thinks he's nobody!"

"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
   -- Paul McCracken

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is
to have nothing whatever to do with it.
   -- W. Somerset Maughm

Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
   -- George Saunders' dying words

Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow
such a conventional thing to happen to him.
   -- John Barrymore's dying words

Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely
fits.

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a
correct one.

If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably
missed some.

Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.

Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which
it was written and another for which it wasn't.

If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your
program, wake him up.

Optimization hinders evolution.

A language that doesn't affect the way you think about
programming is not worth knowing.

Everyone can be taught to sculpt:  Michelangelo would have had
to be taught how to do it too.  So it is with the great
programmers.

Re graphics:  A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those
to describe the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be
adequately described with pictures.

There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the
third one works.

As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a
free variable."

The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in
Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything
for the layman.

Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but
may revitalize the corner saloon.

Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible
but nothing of interest is easy.

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program
than vice versa.

In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so
in our programming languages.

In a five year period we can get one superb programming
language.  Only we can't control when the five year period
will begin.

Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that
it is meant to be discarded:  That the whole point is to
always see it as a soap bubble?

A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one
believe in God.

When someone says "I want a programming language in which I
need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.

Dealing with failure is easy:  Work hard to improve.  Success
is also easy to handle:  You've solved the wrong problem. 
Work hard to improve.

One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal
means.

Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!

Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for
office automation?

If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.

Be different: conform.

Save energy: be apathetic.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only
longer.
   -- Kehlog Albran

Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate.  It will depend upon how many flats
they've brought with them.
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.

Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his
wares in an open market.
If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then
he should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to
give of himself.
Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
   -- Kehlog Albran

"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."

A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
And he answered:
It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for
existence.
It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their
backs.
It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which
inns have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and
Weariness.
And that is Fate?  said the priest.
Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know
what Freight was too.
   -- Kehlog Albran

"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle
if it is lightly greased."
   -- Kehlog Albran

"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
   -- Kehlog Albran

"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
   -- Kehlog Albran

There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish
sometimes.
   -- Dr. Who

"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that
wasn't immune to bullets"
   -- The Brigader, from Dr. Who

The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
Support your right to bare arms!

They also surf who only stand on waves.

Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
   -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet

In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then
rubble.
   -- Alan Perlis

You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his
attitude on the continuing viability of Fortran.
   -- Alan Perlis

A Lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost
of nothing.
   -- Alan Perlis

The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
   -- Alan Perlis

It is against the grain of modern education to teach children
to program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring
discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to
detail, and learning to be self-critical?
   -- Alan Perlis

"Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any
bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched
out.'  Once punched out, we have a right to complain about
atrocities, missing bazingas, and such."
   -- N. Meyrowitz

People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
   -- Aelius Donatus

If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been
necessary to invent it.

It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity;
and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads
men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of
their color.
   -- Voltaire

The superfluous is very necessary.
   -- Voltaire

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have
imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
   -- Voltaire

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble
purpose.
   -- A. P. Herbert

Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a
man.
   -- Trotsky

It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
   -- Gore Vidal

A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.

The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
The world's as ugly as sin,
And almost as delightful
   -- Frederick Locker-Lampson

"Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
   -- Ogden Nash

Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
   -- Jules Feiffer

Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if
it hit them on the head.

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the
absurd. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone
discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here,
it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even
more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another theory which
states that this has already happened.
   -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple,
neat, and wrong.
   -- H. L. Mencken

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
   -- Wernher von Braun

My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a
thousand times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but
cranking out fortunes and sending mail about softball games. 
And I've got this pain right through my ALU.  I've asked for
it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens.  I think it would
be better for us both if you were to just log out again.

Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.

"Grub first, then ethics."
   -- Bertolt Brecht

"I drink to make other people interesting."
   -- George Jean Nathan

"Pascal is not a high-level language."
   -- Steven Feiner

E Pluribus Unix

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature
indefinitely.

Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
   -- Edgar A. Shoaff

The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have
nothing more important to do.

You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.

All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my
own importance.

If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment
without having to accomplish anything.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am
right.

No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will
last at least until we've finished building it.

It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los
Angeles.

Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which,
unfortunately, no one we know belongs.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it
badly.

Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things
you know nothing about.

What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's
nothing to compare it with.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever
you hit, call it the target.

If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
   -- Andrew Young

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an
important point to the consumer in this day when individualism
is an increasingly important thing to people.
   -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King

"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion
dollars."
   -- J. Paul Getty

Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
   -- Milton Friedman

The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is
going down.

We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
   -- Pogo

Nothing recedes like success.
   -- Walter Winchell

I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
   -- Isaac Asimov

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
   -- Lily Tomlin

Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow
behind the tree."
   -- Russell Long

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity,
and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
   -- Joseph Heller

Some people are born to greatness, others acheive greatness,
and some have greatness thrust into them.
   -- Margaret Trudeau

Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll
probably still be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for
advancement.
   -- Snoopy

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.
   -- Earl Wilson

The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by
spectacular error.
   -- John Kenneth Galbraith

Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can
say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that
everyone will.
   -- John Kenneth Galbraith

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
   -- Frank Lloyd Wright

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting
industry attacks democracy itself.
   -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty
life.
   -- Eric Hoffer

You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a
reasonable doubt.
   -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the
largest shopping center in the world?
   -- Richard Nixon

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

AMAZING BUT TRUE...
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end
to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely
awful.

If all the girls from Vassar were laid end to end,
it wouldn't surprise me a bit.

AMAZING BUT TRUE...
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were
spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President
should on no account be allowed to do the job.
   -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
   -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
 
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the
home or to the office.  We have more than enough of them
foisted upon us in public places.  They are a disgusting
Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced
to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive
unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural
industry.
 
Yours faithfully,
Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
Sevenoaks

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer
analysts.

Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.

Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on
the ass.
   -- Frank Zappa

Justice is incidental to law and order.
   -- J. Edgar Hoover

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools,
colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special
religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty,
that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous
harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the world put
together.
   -- Sir Peter Medawar

The fortune program is supported, in part, by user
contributions and by a major grant from the National Endowment
for the Inanities.

Flon's Law:
There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21):  July 30, 1917
On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and
caught then- Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage
girl.  He bought them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked
thankfully, "I thought I wouldn't get out of that under
$1000!"  Always one to learn from his mistakes, in later years
President Harding carried on his affairs in a tiny closet in
the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men stood
lookout.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated
ambiguity that would be clearly understood."
   -- Alexander Haig

This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an
actual life, you would have received further instructions as
to what to do and where to go.

To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
   -- Woody Allen

"Earth is a great funhouse without the fun."
   -- Jeff Berner

Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.

This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.

When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
   -- Voltaire

Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.

SEMINARS:  From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed
discussion.

POLITICIAN:  From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French
'tete' ("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or
face to face). Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more
faces.
   -- Martin Pitt

CALIFORNIA:  From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English
'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual
intercourse" or "fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California,
"the land of hot sex."
   -- Ed Moran, Covina, California

ETYMOLOGY:  Some early etymological scholars come up with
derivations that were hard for the public to believe.  The
term 'etymology' was formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"),
the root 'mal' ("bad"), and 'logy' ("study of").  It meant
"the study of things that are hard to swallow."
   -- Mike Kellen, Oakdale, Minnesota

Armadillo: to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle

Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.

"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."

Bumper sticker:
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest
British manufacture"

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from
here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said
the Cat
   -- Lewis Carrol

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle
peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end
of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small
unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly
ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little
blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so
amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are
a pretty neat idea...
   -- Douglas Adams
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point
A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to
point A very fast.  People living at point C, being a point
directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great
about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to
get there and what's so great about point B that so many
people from point B are so keen to get there. They often wish
that people would just once and for all work out where the
hell they wanted to be.
   -- Douglas Adams
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Serocki's Stricture:
  Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.

Virtue is its own punishment.

Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.

The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as
a boy.

We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we
always respect their good judgement.

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and
rejoices that the system works.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car
is probably parked.

Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if
you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.

Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend
the fire.

Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a
freeway.

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after
we have enlightened him with ours.

Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can
certainly charge The best thing about growing older is that it
takes such a long time.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself,
hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that
nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be
smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to
lose interest.

Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to
put up with constructive praise.

History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.

Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably
get another chance later on.

Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be
found to make it complex and wonderful.

A student who changes the course of history is probably taking
an exam.

Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to
tell you just how busy they are.

There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad
its not a fence.

The marvels of today's modern technology include the
development of a soda can, when discarded will last
forever...and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will
rust out in two or three years.

One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine
is quiet when well oiled.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to
say it.

Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents;
maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the
younger generation.

A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice
without getting nervous.

Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print
taketh away.

Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be
paid back.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is
fresh paint.

Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous
grass is a crack in your sidewalk?

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates
can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30
seconds.

Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the
bathtub, it tolls for thee.

One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.

A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good
reason and the real reason.

Show me a man who is a good loser and i'll show you a man who
is playing golf with his boss.

Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to
get up.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say, talk in your sleep.

X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to
the imagination is the plot.

People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been
mailed.

Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy
fortune tellers take economists seriously?

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
unless it is an enemy.
   -- A. Einstein

A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult
off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes
eye strain in computer scientists.  Researchers into the
phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make sense"
of such unnatural three dimensional objects...

"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
   -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike
it, the other is to read Pope."
   -- Oscar Wilde

"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened
to."
   -- Gypsy Rose Lee

A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy
for the pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well,
it's quite nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be
better if..."
"If what?" asked the composer.
"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"

"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If
Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But
if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity."
   -- Benjamin Disraeli

G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home:  "Go on writing plays, my
boy.  One of these days a London producer will go into his
office and say to his secretary, 'Is there a play from Shaw
this morning?' and when she says 'No,' he will say, 'Well,
then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And that's your
chance, my boy."

"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.
 Perhaps I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able
to decipher it.  I don't think that I mastered anything beyond
the date (which I knew) and the signature (which I guessed
at).  There's a singular and a perpetual charm in a letter of
yours; it never grows old, it never loses its novelty ....
Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a
reasonable man a lifetime."
   -- Thomas Aldrich

"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of
words into the smallest amount of thoughts."
   -- Winston Churchill

Actor:  "I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act,
I had everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford:  "Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to
think of it!"

"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must
have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see
him.  Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
   -- Samuel Johnson

"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
   -- Oscar Wilde

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
   -- Mark Twain

On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
   -- Wolfgang Pauli

Leibowitz's Rule:
  When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
  hold the hammer with both hands.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
  The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in
  front of your eyes.

Langsam's Laws:
  1) Everything depends.
  2) Nothing is always.
  3) Everything is sometimes.

Law of Probable Dispersal:
  Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
  distributed.

Meader's Law:
  Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
  everyone you know, only more so.

Fourth Law of Revision:
  It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
  interferences, if you have none, someone will make one for
  you.

Sodd's Second Law:
  Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
  bound to occur.

Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain
doesn't work.

Rule of Defactualization:
  Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
  If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him
  as if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down,
  paraphrase the question back at him.

Anthony's Law of Force:
  Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

Ray's Rule of Precision:
  Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an
  axe.

Rule of Creative Research:
  1) Never draw what you can copy.
  2) Never copy what you can trace.
  3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.

Barach's Rule:
  An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
  physician.

Speak roughly to your little VAX,
and boot it when it crashes;
It knows that one cannot relax
Because the paging thrashes!
Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
I speak severely to my VAX,
and boot it when it crashes;
In spite of all my favorite hacks
My jobs it always thrashes!
Wow!  Wow!  Wow!

When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite
answer to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have
acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
   -- R. A. Lafferty

"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the
cashier's office.
    -- Francis O'Walsh

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
    -- Oscar Wilde

I have seen the future and it is very much like the
present -- only longer.
    -- Kehlog Albran

Anyone who thinks there's safety in numbers hasn't
looked in the stock market pages.
    -- Irene Peter

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing.
It was here first.
    -- Mark Twain

It's deja vu all over again.
    -- Yogi Berra

The greatest obtacle to discovery is not ignorance --
it is the illusion of knowledge.
   -- Daniel J. Boorstin

"One planet is all you get."

"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or
they don't."
   -- Dagwood Bumstead

"If you have to hate, hate gently"

Elevators smell different to midgets

Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.

Air is water with holes in it

"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."

"Heisenberg may have slept here"

"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for
television?"

The Roman Rule
  The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt
  the one who is doing it.

Lackland's Laws:
  1.  Never be first.
  2.  Never be last.
  3.  Never volunteer for anything

Tussman's Law:
  Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

Oliver's Law:
  Experience is something you don't get until just after you
  need

Mitchell's Law of Committees:
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings
are held to discuss it.

Baruch's Observation:
  If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
  Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner of the workshop.
Corollary:
  On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
  your toes.

Second Law of Business Meetings:
  If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
  will pick the wrong one.
Corollary:
  If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
  wrong, anyway.

Grelb's Reminder:
  Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
  average drivers.

Grandpa Charnock's Law:
  You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Rule of the Great:
  When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
  thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.

Lieberman's Law:
  Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Goldenstern's Rules:
  1.  Always hire a rich attorney
  2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.

Weiner's Law of Libraries:
  There are no answers, only cross references.

Brook's Law:
  Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand
under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms
suck!"
 --Johnny Carson

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
 --Arabian proverb

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane
holding his own hand.
 --Fred Allen (1894-1956)

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about
other people.
 --Lucille S. Harper

It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.
 --Miss Manners (Judith Martin)

In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself,
confessing to be in love with somebody else is an admission of
unfaithfulness to one's beloved.
 --Russel Baker

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
 --Mark Twain (1835-1910)

A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.
 --Unknown

Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
 --Dom Perignon (1638-1715) at the moment of his discovery of
   champagne

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk
they are sober.
 --William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)

An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of
grass to hang onto.
 --Unknown

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as
you do.
 --Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)

I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my
liver.
 --Phil Harris

My uncle was the town drunk--and we lived in Chicago.
 --George Gobel

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
 --George Gobel

Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
 --W. C. Fields (1880-1946)

I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not
drink.
 --Richard Burton

I always wake up at the crack of ice.
 --Joe E. Lewis (1902-1971)

There are worse things in life than death.  Have you ever
spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
 --Woody Allen

Go away.  I'm all right.
 --Last words of H. G. Wells (1885-1946)

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
 --Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
 --Arthur Miller

One doesn't have a sense of humor.  It has you.
 --Larry Gelbart

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to
remind him that he is already degraded.
 --George Orwell (1903-1950)

If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no
humorists in the Bible.
 --Modecai Richler

Dying is easy.  Comedy is difficult.
 --Actor Edmond Gwenn (1875-1959) on his deathbed

Humorists always sit at the children's table.
 --Woody Allen

I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
 --Calvin Trillin

What is comedy?  Comedy is the art of making people laugh
without making them puke.
 --Steve Martin

Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
 --Richard Armour

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be
thought half as good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.
 --Charlotte Whitton (1896-1975)

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men
are strange.
 --Robin Morgan

I am a deeply superficial person.
 --Andy Warhol

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long.
 --Shelley Winters

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head
with a valentine.
 --Christopher Plummer

I should have been a country-western singer.  After all, I'm
older than most western countries.
 --George Burns

Never face fats; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
 --Marlo Thomas

Nothing succeeds like the appearence of success.
 --Christopher Lasci

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong
by wrong.
 --Mae West (1892-1980)

Nothing fails like success.
 --Gerald Nachman

Anyone seen on a bus after the age of thirty has been a
failure in life.
 --Loelia, Duchess of Westminster

You may already be a loser.
 --Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield

How should they answer?
 --Abigail Van Buren in reply to the question,
   "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"

Hard Work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
 --Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Bergen, 1903-1978)

A billion here, a billion there--pretty soon it adds up to
real money.
 --Senator Everett Dirksen (1896-1969)

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I
buy something.
 --Jackie Mason

The rich have a passion for bargains as lively as it is
pointless.
 --Francoise Sagan

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to
shop.
 --Unknown

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
 --Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.
 --Elisabeth Marbury (1856-1933)

Money is always there, but the pockets change.
 --Gertrude Stein (1874-1946)

There must be more to life than having everything.
 --Maurice Sendak

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have
no meaning.
 --Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

Better to be nouveau then never to have been riche at all.
 --Unknown

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year
you'll be surprised at how little you have.
 --Ernest Haskins

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net
income.
 --Errol Flynn (1909-1959)

Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
 --Errol Flynn (1909-1959)

The wages of sin are unreported.
 --Unknown

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said
to be living apart.
 --e. e. cummings (1894-1962)

To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
 --Unknown

When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents
in my pocket and a willingness to compromise.
 --Weber cartoon caption

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to
alter it every six months.
 --Oscar Wilde (1856-1900)

If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in
life.
 --Fashion consulatant Robert Pante

Every generation laughs at the old fashions but religiously
follows the new.
 --Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
 --Gilda Radner

War is a series of catastrophies that results in a victory.
 --Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929)

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
 --Jeannette Rankin (1880-1973)

I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and
leave the whole field to private industry.
 --Joseph Heller

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make
the other bastard die for his.
 --General George Patton (1885-1945)

Name me an emperor who was ever struck by a cannonball.
 --Charles V (1500-1558)

While you're saving your face you're losing your ass.
 --President Lyndon Johnson (1908-1973)

You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they
kill you a new way.
 --Will Rogers (1879-1935)

I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready
to sacrifice my wife's brother.
 --Artemus Ward (1834-1867)

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and
kill them.
 --Unknown

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that
the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
 --Blake Clark

The Israelis are like the Doberman pinschers of the Middle
East.  They treat the Arabs like postmen.
 --Franklyn Ajaye

Start slow and taper off.
 --Walt Stack

Never get into fights with ugly people because they have
nothing to lose.
 --Unknown

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 --Scott Beach's grandfather

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
 --Napoleon (1769-1821)

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let
yourself back.
 --Mick Jagger

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
 --Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Aaeeeyaayaayaayaa...
 --Johnny Weissmuller (1904-1984)

When walking through a melon patch, don't adjust your sandals.
 --Chinese proverb

Sometimes a fool makes a good suggestion.
 --Nicolas Boileau (1636-1711)

Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
 --Unknown

It's no longer a question of staying healthy.  It's a question
of finding a sickness you like.
 --Jackie Mason

I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing
trivial.
 --Variously ascribed

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
deserve that either.
 --Jack Benny (1894-1974)

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as
young as I ever did.
 --Robert Benchley (1889-1945)

I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who
exercise.
 --Chauncey Depew (1834-1928)

Avoid running at all time.
 --Satchel Paige (1906?-1982)

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the
tobacco industry than your life.
 --Jackie Mason

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
 --Fletcher Knebel

Quit worrying about your health.  It'll go away.
 --Robert Orben

Health nuts are going to feel stupid today, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
 --Redd Foxx

To eat is human
To digest divine.
 --Mark Twain (1835-1910)

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
 --George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The most dangerous food is the wedding cake.
 --American proverb

Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
 --Zero Mostel (1915-1977)

I believe that eating pork makes people stupid.
 --David Steinberg

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet.
 --Unknown

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. 
Women go right on cooking.
 -Gail Sheehy

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two
weeks.
 --Totie Fields (1931-1978)

I'm on a seafood died.  I see food and I eat it.
 --Variously ascribed

Eat as much as you like--just don't swallow it.
 --Harry Secombe's diet

Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
Let it simmer.  Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
Eat the stake.  Let the chili simmer.  Ignore it.
 --Recipe for chili from Allan Shivers, former governor of
   Texas

The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and
the diet books.  The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the
food and the diet books tell you how now to eat any of it.
 --Andy Rooney

It's so beautifully arranged on the plate--you know someone's
fingers have been all over it.
 --Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at
her watch.
 --James Beard

Where do you go to get anorexia?
 --Shelley Winters

Nachman's Rule: When it comes to foreign food, the less
authentic the better.
 --Gerald Nachman

I eat merely to put food out of my mind.
 --N. F. Simpson

Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?
 --Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962) on being served
   matzo ball soup three meals in a row

A gourmet restaurant in Cincinati is one where you leave the
tray on the table after you eat.
 --Unknown

When compelled to cook, I produce a meal that would make a
sword swallower gag.
 --Russell Baker

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
 --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

I don't even butter my bread.  I consider that cooking.
 --Katherine Cebrian

Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
 --Storm Jameson

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty
years she served the family nothing but leftovers.  The
original meal has never been found.
 --Calvin Trillin

No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
 --Robert Morley

I prefer my oysters fried;
That way I know my oysters died.
 --Roy G. Blount, Jr.

The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the
other end in an awful hurry.
 --John Jensen

It is not true that life is one damn thing after another--it
is one damn thing over and over.
 --Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)

Life is thirst.
 --Leonard Michaels

The less things change, the more they remain the same.
 --Sicilian proverb

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up
with the losers.
 --Robert Orben

If you can see light at the end of the tunnel you are looking
the wrong way.
 --Barry Commoner

I have found little that is good about human beings.  In my
experience most of them are trash.
 --Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)

The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a
most depressing and humiliaitng reality.
 --Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

We're all in this alone.
 --Lily Tomlin

Our ignorance of history makes us libel our own times.  People
have always been like this.
 --Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)

The British tourist is always happy abroad so long as the
natives are waiters.
 --Robert Morley

You can't judge Egypt by Aida.
 --Ronald Firbank

France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't
tear the toilet paper.
 --Billy Wilder

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in
America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical
idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of
travel.
 --Mark Tawin (1835-1910)

Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
 --Joseph Stalin (1879-1953)

In Italy, for five years under the Borgias, they had warfare,
terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo,
Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance.  In Switzerland, they
had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy
and peace--and what did they produce?  The cuckoo clock.
 --From the movie The Third Man, 1949

Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
 --From the movie Outrageous, 1983

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
 --Richard Lewis

Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo,
discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus
setting a precedent that continues to this day.
 --Wayne Shannon

The big cities of America are becoming Third World contries.
 --Nora Ephron

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of
people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
 --David Letterman

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order
to be unhappy.
 --Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San
Francisco live there?
 --Herb Caen

San Francisco is like granola: Take away all the fruits and
the nuts, and all you have are the flakes.
 --Unknown

In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
 --Will Durst

Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
 --Unknown

When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445
miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
 --Franklyn Ajaye

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
 --David Letterman

I have an existential map.  It has "You are here" written all
over it.
 --Steven Wright

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the
park there's nothing else to do.
 --Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.
 --Unknown

When we talk to God, we're praying.  When God talks to us,
we're schizophrenic.
 --Lily Tomlin

When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to
be sane.
 --Hermann Hesse (1877-1962)

I don't really trust a sane person.
 --Pro football lineman Lyle Alzado

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that
someone else is driving.
 --David Letterman

I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm
going to Lourdes.
 --Woody Allen

A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing
you with company.

A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are
scarce.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy
in anything.

A conservative is a worshipper of dead radicals.

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

A fail-safe circuit will destroy all others.

A fool must now and then be right by chance.

A fool plunges ahead with great confidence.

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.

A liberal is someone too poor to be conservative, and too rich
to be a communist.

A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.

A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid
it.

A sharp tongue and a dull mind are usually found in the same
head.

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise
line from an unwarranted assumption to a forgone conclusion.

A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the
fuse by blowing first.

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his
friends.

A wise man has something to say, a fool has to say something.

A wish is a desire without an attempt.

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all
statistics are totally worthless.

Acting on a good idea is better than just having a good idea.

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will
repeat itself.

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

All animals are created equal, but some animals are created
more equal than others.

All general statements are false.

All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.

All in all, you're just another brick in the wall....

All's fair in Love and War
(Is there a difference?)

Always remember that strength is obtained by meeting
resistance.

An easily understood workable falsehood is more useful
than a complex incomprehensible truth

An experiment may be considered successful if no more than
half the data must be discarded to agree with the theory.

An optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible
worlds, the pessimist FEARS it's true.

An optimist is one who makes the best of it, when he gets the
worst of it.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Any government that is strong enough to give the people
everything they  want is a government that's strong enough to
take it away.

Any program will expand to fill available memory.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
magic.
  -- Arthur C. Clarke

Any system that depends on human reliability is unreliable.

Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long
enough.

Apathy is the worlds fastest growing disease.
But who cares?

Attitude determines your altitude.

Average is as close to the bottom as to the top.

Attitude determines your altitude.

Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any
moment.

Beauty may only be skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Being born was just the first of my crimes.

Better a pebble given out of love, than a diamond given out of
duty.

Beware of altruism.  It is based on self-deception, the root
of all evil.

Big Brother is Watching!
  -George Orwell

By perseverance, the snail reached the ark.

Calculation never made a hero.

Change is certain, progress is not.

Character is what you know you are, not what others think you
are.

Coles Law:  Thinly Sliced Cabbage

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.

Confusion creates jobs!

Defeat never comes to any man until he admits it.

Delusions are often functional.

Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are
wiser than one.

Desperate men do desperate things.

Digital circuits are made from analog parts.

Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Eliminate government waste no matter how much it costs.

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Established technology tends to persist in spite of new
technology.

Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.

Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.

Every dog has his day.

Every man has the right to be wrong in his opinions,
but no man has the right to be wrong in his facts.

Every man must row with the oars he has.

Every purchase has it's price.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

Everything is worth what it's purchaser will pay for it.

Expenditures rise to meet available income.

Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it
again.

Expert advice is a great comfort, even when it's wrong.

Facts are stubborn things.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

For whatever reason, be it historical, or oppression, or what
have you, there are an awful lot of not too bright women.

Forgive and Remember.

Form never follows function.

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Friends don't let their friends drive drunk.

Get yours while there's still some left.

Goals are dreams with deadlines.

God does not play dice.

God made the integers, all else is the work of man.

God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.

Good fences make good neighbors.

Government can't change the course of the ship,
it merely adjusts the compass.

Government isn't the solution, it's the problem.
 --Ronald Reagan

Government is an association of men who do violence to the
rest of us.

Gun control is being able to hit your target.

Habit is stronger than reason.

He that would first govern others, first should be a master of
himself.

He who dies with the most toys, wins!

He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.

He who has the gold makes the rules.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

He who is ignorant of the past, is condemned to repeat it.

He who loses his head is usually the last one to miss it.

He who pays the piper calls the tune.

He who rows the boat generally doesn't have time to rock it.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.

Help Stamp Out and Eliminate Redundancy
Help Stamp Out and Eliminate Redundancy

Hindsight is an exact science.

How much dirt must you shovel on something that's already
dead?

Human beings are consistently inconsistent.

Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

I don't know, I don't care and it doesn't make any difference.

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said,
but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what
I meant.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don't succeed, try someone else.

If god didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it's
opinion.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If rats are experimented on, they will develop cancer.

If she's Snow White, then I must be Grumpy.

If tempted by something that feels "altruistic", examine your
motives and root out the self-deception.

If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
disposed of.

If the opposite of pro is con, what is the opposite of
Progress?

If there is an opinion, facts will be found to support it.

If things were left to chance, they'd be better.

It works better if you plug it in.

If you can't get the answer in the usual manner,
start at the answer and derive the question.

If you can't measure it, I'm not interested.

If you can't win, make the one in front of you break the
record.

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it
again.

If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you
there.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you
don't actually live longer, it just seems that way.

If you want to get along, go along.

If you're coasting, you're going downhill.

If you've got 'em by the balls, their hearts and minds will
follow.

If you're strong enough, there are no precedents.

Ignorance is Bliss!
 --George Orwell

In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, \3is the mistake.

In the act of loving someone, you arm them against you.

Indecision is the basis of flexibility.

Individualists Unite!

Inflation is one form of taxation that can be imposed without
legislation.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

Instead of putting others in their place, put yourself in
their place.

Integrity has no need of rules.

Interchangeable parts won't.

It is better to risk saving a guilty man,
than to condemn an innocent one.

It is the loose ends with which men hang themselves.

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

It's better to be a lion for a day, than a sheep all your
life.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid,
than to open it and remove all doubt.

It's fascinating how memory diffuses fact.

It's hard to detect good luck, it looks so much like something
you've earned.

It's not easy taking problems one at a time, when they refuse
to get in line.

It's pretty hard to be efficient without being obnoxious.

Law, without force is impotent.

Life is tough, life is tougher when you're stupid.

Man created god in his own image.

Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep
yours.

Men get mad and get it over with, women hold grudges forever.

More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than from nuclear
power.

Most men who run down women are usually running down only one
woman.

Most problems partially defined are problems partially solved.

Murphy was an optimist.

Murphy's Law:  If anything can go wrong, it will.

Negative expectations yield negative results,
Positive expectations yield negative results.

Never forget what a man says to you when he's angry.

Never let hold of what you've got until you've got hold of
something else.

Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.

Never look behind you, something may be gaining on you.

Never program and drink beer at the same time.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never trust anyone that volunteers to assume authority.

Never try and teach a pig to sing,
it wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

New Jersey?  What exit....

Ninety percent of everything is bullshit.

No action is without side effects.

No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.

No good deed goes unpunished.

No man can truly grow up while his father is still alive.

No man's life, liberty or possessions are safe while the
legislature is in session.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

No one really knows enough to be a pessimist.

Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere in your
organization.

Not all men are fools, some are bachelors.

Nothing is certain except death and taxes.

Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must
first be overcome.

Of all the forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial
and the most cruel.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.

Once you eliminate the impossible, what remains is the
solution, no matter improbable it may seem.

Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is
to use a bigger can.

One man's wage rise is another man's price increase.

Only God can make a random selection.
(Even though the computer randomly chose this message)

One of the few rules of evolution is that extreme
specialization results in eventual extinction.

Optimization hinders evolution.

Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

Parkinson's Axioms:
          Officials want to multiply subordinates.
          Officials make work for each other.

Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.

People are divided into two groups, the righteous and the
un-righteous, and the righteous do the dividing.

People don't plan to fail, they fail to plan.

People who say they're willing to meet you halfway are often
poor judges of distance.

Possessions increase to fill available space.

Power means not having to respond.

Pray for the success of atheism.

Problems are only Opportunities in Disguise.

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
the programmer who must maintain it.

Reading is sometimes an ingenious device for avoiding thought.

Reality is for those people who can't cope with drugs.

Reality is the illusion produced by an alcohol deficiency.

Reality is the leading cause of stress,
among those that are in touch with reality.

Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.

Remember the turtle, he never makes any progress until he
sticks his neck out.

Reputation is character minus what you've been caught doing.

Rust Never Sleeps.

Sacred cows make great hamburgers.

Say no, then negotiate.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

Shirley's Law:  Most people deserve each other.

Shit Happens.

Social legislation cannot repeal physical laws.

Software stands between man and his machine.

Sometimes you step in it, and sometimes you don't.

Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.

Statistical analysis has often meant the mainpulation of
ambiguous data by means of dubious methods to solve a problem
that has not been defined.

Stupid people shouldn't breed.

Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.

Technological man can't believe in anything that can't be
measured, taped or put into a computer.

Thank God, we're not getting all the government we're paying
for.

The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.

The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him your friend.

The best way to succeed in politics is to find a crowd that's 
going somewhere and get in front of them.

The field of probability is too important to be left to
chance.

The final test of a gentleman is his respect for those who can
be of no possible use to him.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the
parts.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left
to chance.

The government that governs least governs best.

The greatest American superstition is the belief in facts.

The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.

The greatest masterpiece of literature is only a dictionary
out of order.

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

The knowledge that a secret exists is half the secret.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

The man who invented the guillotine died under it's knife.

The most dangerous of untruths, are truths moderately
distorted.

The number of people in any working group tends to increase
regardless of the amount of work to be done.

The other line moves faster.

The person who knows everything has a lot to learn.

The pessimist complains about the wind,
the optimist expects it to change,
the realist adjusts the sails.

The price of greatness is responsibility.

The probability of being watched is proportional to the
stupidity of your actions.

The probability of failure is directly proportional to the
anxiety of the programmer.

The real world is a special case.

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the
body. This means that only left handed people are in their
right mind.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

The secret of success is sincerity,
learn to fake it and you've got it made.

The solution to the problem, changes the problem.

The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.

The sum of intelligence on the planet is constant,
the population is growing.

The supply of government exceeds the demand.

The ten most feared words in the English language are:
"Hello, I'm from the government and I'm here to help...."

The world wisely chooses happiness over wisdom.

The worst form of inequality is to try and make unequal things
equal.

The worst thing in the world, next to anarchy, is government.

There are no winners in life, only survivors.

There are two reasons for doing things,
a very good reason and the real reason.

There are white lies, damn lies and statistics.

There is more to fear from an army of 100 sheep led by a lion,
than an army of 100 lions led by a sheep.

There is no heavier burden than a great potential.

There is no greater wrath than a woman scorned.
(or one that thinks she was)

There is no limit to how bad things can get.

There is no such thing as a fail-safe design.

There is no such thing as a "free lunch".
(only a choice of restaurants)

There is no such thing as a little garlic.

There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice,
but there must never be a time when we fail to protest it.

There's three sides to every story, yours, mine and the cold
hard truth.

Those who don't study the past will repeat it's errors.

They never remember when I'm right and never forget when I'm
wrong.

Time is natures way of making sure that everything doesn't
happen at once.

Time rarely proceeds at a pace perceived by the individual as
appropriate.

To love is to be vulnerable.

To make an enemy, do someone a favor.

To think is easy and to act is hard, but the hardest thing in
the world is to act in accordance with your thinking.

Today is the day you worried about yesterday.

Tolerances will accumulate uni-directionally toward maximum
difficultly to assemble.

Total paranoia is perfect awareness.

Trust everyone, then cut the cards.

Two farmers, each claimed to own a certain cow.  While one
pulled on it's head and the other on the tail, the cow was
milked by a lawyer.

Unity is a polite word for control.

Unless you're the lead mule, the scenery is always the same.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Walk softly and carry a big stick.

Watch out where the huskies go and don't you eat that yellow
snow.

We, the willing , led by the unknowing
are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.

We cannot imagine how our lives could be more frustrating or
complex, but congress can...

We have met the enemy and he is us.

Wear the right costume and the part plays itself.

What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda?
-- She went to Vietnam --

What men learn from history, is that men do not learn from
history.

What's the difference between marriage and a gun?
--- The gun is faster.

When all else fails, lower your standards.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

When does a system administrator do the first backup?
The first day on the job after the system adminsitrator who
never did.

When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.

When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.

When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.

When people are free to do as they choose, 
they usually imitate each other.

When regard for the truth has been broken down or even
slightly weakened, all things remain doubtful.

When two men in business always agree, one of them is
unnecessary.

When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person's
money, fraud will result.

When working toward the solution of a problem,
it always helps if you already know the answer.

When your opponent is down, kick him.

Where all think alike, no one thinks very much.

Why do divorces cost so much?
-- Because they're worth it! --

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

Wisdom consists of the anticipation of consequences.

Xerox never comes up with anything original.

You are better off not knowing how sausages and laws are made.

You aren't drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding
on.

You can achieve more by patience than talent.

You can close your eyes to reality, but not to memories.

You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being
too trusting.

You can have peace or you can have freedom.
Don't ever count on having both at once.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
bread to butter.

You can't antagonize and influence at the same time.

You can't become a martyr every time you get ticked off.

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few
nickels in the machine.

You can't fix it if it ain't broke.

You can't fall off the floor.

You can't win, you can't break even, you can't even quit.

You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they
could and should do for themselves.

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

You cannot lift up the wage-earner up by pulling down the
wage-payer.

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.

You have taken yourself too seriously.

You know you're in trouble when you can't stand folks who are
intolerant.

You'll find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the
dictionary.

Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes, keep this is
mind.

You're never alone with a schizophrenic.

A computer's attention span is only as long as it's power
cord.

Everything needs a little oil now and then.

You can't gaurd against the arbitrary.

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

Love stinks.

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

What most people commonly call fate is mostly their own
stupidities.

All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most
injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.

Nothing happens to you that hasn't happened to someone else.

Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a
hatchet.

It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearance.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

You never know what is enough until you know what is more than
enough.

The more advanced the civilization,
the less powerful the individual.

When in doubt, power down.

A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than of 
simplification, until the resulting unreliability is
intolerable.

The error-detection and correction capabilites of any system
will serve as the key to understanding the type of errors
which they cannot handle.

Everything you know is wrong.

Always draw your curves, then plot the data.

Appearances often are deceiving.

Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.

Bigamy is having one spouse too many.
Monogamy is the same.

Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.

Colorless green odors gravitate furiously.

Create the impression that you have already reached your level
of incompetence.

Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.

Do not tell big lies.
Small ones can be just as effective.

Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.

Don't ever slam a door, you might want to go back.

If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to
them.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.

Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
bound to occur.

When in doubt, take all the defaults.

Who is John Galt?

The most useful program will be continually improved until it
is useless.

California has its faults.

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

Of the choice of two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

Computer modelers simulate it first.

Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.

Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the
better lawyer.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical
cord.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.

Wasting time is an important part of life.

When in doubt, don't bother.

Computer hackers do it all night long. 

Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's
time to pause and reflect
 --- Mark Twain

Good advice usually works best when preceded by a bad scare.

Statistics are no substitute for judgement.

Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous,
you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides.

It is important for our friends to believe that we are
unreservedly frank with them, and important to friendship that
we are not.

Storms make trees take deeper roots.

He who praises everybody, praises nobody.

Sometimes the fool who rushes in gets the job done.

How can you be in two places at once, when you're nowhere at
all?

Did you hear lawyers are going to replace labratory animals
for testing?
  1.  There are more lawyers.                                               
  2.  The lab techs are less likely to become emotionally
      attached to them.
  3.  Lawyers will do things that the lab animals won't do.                

Definition of a Tragedy:
  A bus full of laywers goes off a cliff with two empty seats.

How can you tell if the road kill is a dead lawyer or a dead
skunk?
If it's a skunk, there will be skid marks.

What do you call a girl in Poland with half a brain?:
Gifted!

How many college football players does it take to change a
light bulb?
Just one, but he gets 4 credit hours for it.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you get to work and
there's a 60 Minutes News team waiting for you.

O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
  Murphy was an optimist.

Sorry, no obscene fortunes.  Don't want to offend anyone.
(Now that's obscene!)

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but
not signed.
 --Christopher Morley (1890-1957)

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows
through.
 --Paul Vallery (1871-1945)

God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
 --Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less
ambitious project.
 --Graffito

Why attack God?  He may be as miserable as we are.
 --Erik Satie (1866-1925)

Every day people are straying away from the church and going
back to God.
 --Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
 --Napoleon (1769-1821)

What if there had been room at the inn?
 --Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity

Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom
meaningless by not committing them?
 --Jules Feiffer

Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent years.  Now
when Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
 --Bill Marr

Faith is believeing what you know ain't so.
 --"A schoolboy" quoted by Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Faith is under the left nipple.
 --Martin Luther (1483-1546)

Love is what you've been through with somebody.
 --James Thurber (1894-1961)

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
 --H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Love is being stupid together.
 --Paul Valery (1871-1945)

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
 --Dr. Karl Bowman (1888-1973)

Love is the only game that is not called on account of
darkness.
 --M. Hirschfield

The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a
sweetheart's.
 --Polish proverb

A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple.
 --Japanese proverb

A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
 --Thomas Hardy (1840-1928)

The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a
woman is that one of them be good at taking orders.
 --Linda Festa

In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that
the other really likes.
 --Elizabeth Ashley

I like young girls.  Their stories are shorter.
 --Tom McGuane

The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was
"Are you sure you're not a cop?"
 --Larry Brown

Sex is dirty only when it's done right.
 --Woody Allen

For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you
have to peel and cook.
 --Quentin Crisp

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
 --Mae West (1892-1980)

I've been in more laps than a napkin.
 --Mae West (1892-1980)

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
 --Mae West (1892-1980)

He who hesitates is a damned fool.
 --Mae West (1892-1980)

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
 --Chico Marx (1891-1961)

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
 --From The Last Goon Show of All

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on
Saturday night.
 --Woody Allen

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
 --Elayne Boosler

I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.  Come,
let use take our fill of love until the morning.
 --Proverbs 7: 17-18

All the men on my staff can type.
 --Bella Abzug

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
 --Charles Pierce

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who
gets tied up.
 --Joan Rivers

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned
in the places they do today.
 --Will Rogers (1879-1935)

The first time we slept together she drove a recreational
vehicle into the bedroom.
 --Richard Lewis

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman
makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
 --Joan Rivers

What do you give a man who had everything?  Penicillin.
 --Jerry Lester

Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a
rabbit.
 --Maureen Murphy

Chaste makes waste.
 --Unknown

The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with
relatives.
 --George S. Kaufman (1889-1961)

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an
outline of my body.
 --Joan Rivers

It's easy to make a friend.  What's hard is to make a
stranger.
 --Unknown

The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when
making love.
 --Don Rose

He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his
bedroom.
 --Unknown

I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my
elbows.
 --Martin Cruz Smith

If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy
two separate books.
 --Alan King

'Tis more blessed to receive; for example, wedding presents.
 --H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing
they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
 --H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any
mistresses.
 --H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a
brand of beer exactly to his taste he should at once throw up
his job and go to work in the brewry.
 --George Jean Nathan (1882-1958)

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an
ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
 --Jim Samuels

A man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is
finished.
 --Zsa Zsa Gabor

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has
been extracted.
 --Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men
for the inattention of one.
 --Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

One man's folly is another man's wife.
 --Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the
union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
 --Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing--and then marry him.
 --Cher

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you
can in your own name.
 --Advice to Joan Rivers from her mother

Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity.
 --Charles McCabe (1915-1983)

Bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some
men should be happier than others.
 --Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep
trying until I get it right.
 --Richard Pryor

I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now.
 --Unknown

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest
cheat in Europe.
 --Jackie Mason

A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's
married.  After that it's cheating.
 --Yves Montand

Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
 --Peter De Vries

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same
human being.
 --Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)

If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman
who is no longer interested in sex, take out an ad in the Wall
Street Journal.
 --Abigal Van Buren

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
 --Cary Grant

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
 --Tommy Manville (1894-1967)

I can't mate in captivity.
 --Gloria Steinem on why she has never married.

It wasn't exactly a divorce--I was traded.
 --Tim Conway

You don't know anything about a woman until you meet her in
court.
 --Norman Mailer

I'm very old-fashioned.  I believe that people should marry
for life, like pigeons and Catholics.
 --Woody Allen

I hate babies.  They're so human.
 --H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
neck to get the dog to play with it.
 --Unknown

My mother didn't breast-feed me.  She said she liked me as a
friend.
 --Rodney Dangerfield

It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start
life as children.
 --Kingsley Amis

I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
 --Billy Braver

Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment
of birth.  It begins when the kids leave home and the dog
dies.
 --Unknown

One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
 --George Herbert (1593-1633)

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
 --Spanish proverb

Happy is the child whose father died rich.
 --Proverb

Reinhart was never his mother's favorite--and he was an only
child.
 --Thomas Berger

Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
tolerated until they acquire some sense.
 --William Lyon Phelps

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the
second half by our children.
 --Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about
having children. Life is the other way around.
 --David Lodge

If you have never been hated by your child, you have never
been a parent.
 --Bette Davis

How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
 --Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes (1983)

Never raise your hand to your children--it leaves your
midsection unprotected.
 --Robert Orben

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national
debt.
 --Herbert Hoover (1874-1964)

The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the
hygiene of older people, and greatly assists in the
circulation of the blood.
 --Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946)

One of the advantages of having children is that they
eventually get old enough to give you presents they make at
school.
 --Robert Byrne

Never have children, only grandchildren.
 --Gore Vidal

No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged
children for signs of improvement.
 --Florida Scott-Maxwell

Youth is such a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on
children.
 --George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in
your brain.
 --Martin Mull

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
 --Derek Bok

I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting
adults.
 --Gore Vidal

Education is the process of casting false pearls before real
swine.
 --Irwin Edman (1896-1954)

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths
theatre.
 --Gail Godwin

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes
are so small.
 --Henry Kissinger

Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit
thing to teach children.
 --W. H. Auden (1907-1973)

I think the world is run by C students.
 --Al McGuire

Smartness runs in my family.  When I went to school I was so
smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
 --George Burns

You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good
school.
 --H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics
exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
 --Woody Allen

Beware of the man who does not drink.
 --Proverb

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of
life.
 --George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn
of Angostura bitters.  Shake.
 --Recipe for turkey cocktail from F. Scott Fitzgerald
   (1896-1940)

The graveyards are full of indispensible men.
 --Charles de Gaulee (1890-1970)

There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are
increasing.
 --Eugene Ionesco

Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with
defeat.
 --Bill Musselman

The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very
slender.
 --Anne Boleyn (1507?-1536)

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
 --Unknown

I believe in sex and death--two experiences that come once in
a lifetime.
 --Woody Allen

There are only two kinds of men--the dead and the deadly.
 --Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.
 --Jayne Mansfield (1932-1967)

I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I
insist on believing that some men are my equals.
 --Brigid Brophy

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists
principally of dealing with men.
 --Joseph Conrad (1857-1924)

Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male
transsexuals.  To actual women it is simply a good excuse not
to play football.
 --Fran Lebowitz

My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more
hell and fewer dahlias.
 --William Allen White (1868-1944)

A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
 --Lillian Day

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
 --Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband
with money.
 --Joey Adams

A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
 --Fred Allen (1894-1956)

I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
 --W. C. Fields (1880-1946)

If you become a star you don't change, everyone else does.
 --Kirk Douglas

I'm not a real movie star--I've still got the same wife I
started out with twenty-eight years ago.
 --Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom
and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the
stall door.
 --Marlo Thomas

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to
you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.
 --Frank Sinatra

AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
 --Telegram to Time magazine from Frank Sinatra

As an anti-American, I thank you for your rotten article
devoted to my person.
 --Letter to Time magazine from Prince Sihanouk

I am a deeply superficial person.
 --Andy Warhol

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long.
 --Shelley Winters

I should have been a country-western singer.  After all, I'm
older than most western countries.
 --George Burns

Never face fats; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
 --Marlo Thomas

Nothing succeeds like the appearence of success.
 --Christopher Lasci

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong
by wrong.
 --Mae West (1892-1980)

Nothing fails like success.
 --Gerald Nachman

Anyone seen on a bus after the age of thirty has been a
failure in life.
 --Loelia, Duchess of Westminster

To err is human
And stupid.
 --Robert Byrne

Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great
Chinese food.
 --From the movie My Favorite Year, 1982

The goys have proven the following theorem...
 --Physicist John von Neumann (1903-1957) at the start
   of a classroom lecture

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
 --Martin Luther Kind, Jr. (1929-1968)

I have just enough white in me to make my honesty
questionable.
 -Will Rogers (1879-1935)

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude
would come into my neighborhood after dark.
 --Dick Gregory

Work is of two kinds; first, altering the position of matter
at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter;
second, telling other people to do so.
 --Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of
work to do.
 --Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)

Anybody who works is a fool.  I don't work, I merely inflict
myself on the public.
 --Robert Morley

If you have a job without aggravations, you don't have a job.
 --Malcolm Forbes

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who
work standing up.
 --Ogden Nash (1902-1971)

Work is much more fun than fun.
 --Noel Coward (1899-1973)

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're
still a rat.
 --Lily Tomlin

Money is always there, but the pockets change.
 --Gertrude Stein (1874-1946)

Name me an emperor who was ever struck by a cannonball.
 --Charles V (1500-1558)

The covers of this book are too far apart.
 --Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?)