"Breakfast sometime?"  "Sure."  "Shall I call you, or just
nudge you?"

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.

A cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
 -- Mark Twain

A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.

A committee is an animal with at least six legs, and no brain.
 -- Heinlein

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours
in the library.

A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's just forget the whole
thing."
 -- Ferguson

A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.

A dean is to a faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
  -- Alfred Kahn

A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
  -- Klipstein

A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon
commanding ducks.

A good scapegoat is hard to find.

A harp is a nude piano.

A helicopter is just a bunch of parts flying in close
formation.

A homeowner's reach should exceed her grasp, or what's a
weekend for?

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from
Mom.

A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.

A king's castle is his home.

A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm afraid of
widths.
  -- Wright

A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in
Etruscan bonds.

A motion to adjourn is always in order.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the
pants.
  -- Wilcox

A penny saved has not been spent.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

A pessimist is a married optimist.

A quarter ounce of chocolate equals four pounds of fat.

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.

A sentence is worth a thousand words.

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support
two.

A soft drink turneth away company.

A student who changes the course of history is probably taking
an exam.

A successful American spends more supporting the government
than a family.

A theorist right once in ten is a hero; an observer wrong that
often is a bum.

A theory is better than its explanation.
  -- Woodward

A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on.
  -- Samuel Goldwyn

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
  -- Ziggy

A watched clock never boils.
  -- Tom Weller

A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.

A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to
Harvard.

About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the
dog.

Absence makes the heart go wander.

Academy:  A modern school where football is taught.

Accident:  When presence of mind is good, but absence of body
is better.

According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.

Acting:  An art that consists of keeping the audience from
coughing.

Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.

Admiration:  Our polite recognition of another's resemblance
to ourselves.

Adult:  A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not
in the middle.

Adult:  One old enough to know better.

Adultery:  Putting yourself in someone else's position.

Advanced design:  Upper management doesn't understand it.

Adventure is a sign of incompetence.
  -- Amundsen

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than
done.
  -- Olmstead

After painting the town red, take a rest before applying a
second coat.

Afterism:  A concise, clever statement you don't think of
until too late.
 - Thom

Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for
a change.

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

Air is water with holes in it.

Air travel:  Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage
in Brazil.

Alcoholic:  Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you
do.

Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, aleph-null bottles of
beer...

Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.

Alimony is the high cost of leaving.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me
happy.
  -- Lauris

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 
  -- Brilliant

All generalizations are useless, including this one.

All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that
keeps us sane.

All my life I wanted to be someone; I should have been more
specific.
  -- Wagner

All new:  Parts not interchangeable with previous model.

All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
 -- Groucho Marx

All probabilities are really 50%.  Either a thing will happen
or it won't.

All signs in Metric for the next 20 miles.  -- a sign in Ohio

All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a
syllogism.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

All the good ones are taken.
  -- Harris

All the men on my staff can type.
  -- Bella Abzug

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately
unrehearsed.
  -- O'Casey

All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.

All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill
sections.

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be
paid back.

Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work
out.

Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.

Always take both skis off before hanging them up.

Ambiguity:  Telling the truth when you don't mean to.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be
lazy.
  -- McCarthy

Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

Amoebit:  Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at
the same time.

Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
  -- Horngren

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...  if it is aimed well.

An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
  -- Tom Weller

An apple every eight hours keeps three doctors away.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An example of hard water is ice.

An idle mind is worth two in the bush.

An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.

An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
direction.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  -- Van Roy

Antonym:  The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.

Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
  -- Murray

Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.

Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
  -- Malek

Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from
a "rigged" demo.

Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two
hours.
  -- Holmes

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one
with none.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head
examined.
  -- Goldwyn

Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
fattening.
  -- Pardo

Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious.
  -- James Hogan

Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.

Aquadextrous:  Able to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with
your toes.

Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.

Arithmetic:  Counting to twenty without taking off your shoes.
  -- Mickey Mouse

Art is anything you can get away with.
  -- Marshall McLuhan

As God is my witness, Andy, I thought that turkeys could fly.
  -- WKRP

As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is
wrong?

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, and pay only
station-to-station rates.

At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. 
  -- Peter Alaquon

Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line
divisible by five.

Authority:  A person who can tell you more than you really
care to know.

Automobile:  A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and
down pedestrians.

Babies can't walk because their legs aren't long enough to
reach the ground.

Bachelor:  A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.

Bachelor:  A man who never made the same mistake once.

Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.

Banectomy:  The removal of bruises on a banana.
  -- Rich Hall

Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath
to your door.

Be careful of reading health books; you might die of a
misprint.
  -- Mark Twain

Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got
plenty.

Beam me up, Scotty.  There's no intelligent life down here. 
  -- James Kirk

Begathon:  A multi-day event on public television, used to
raise money.
  -- Hall

Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats.
  -- O'Neill

Behold the warranty:  The bold print giveth, and the fine
print taketh away.

Being a good communicator means people find out what's really
wrong with you.

Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of
dealing with men.

Being popular is important.  Otherwise people might not like
you.

Best gift for the person who has everything:  A burglar alarm.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
 -- Mae West

Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.

Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.

Bigamy is having one spouse too many.  Monogamy is the same.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on
Saturday night.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the Earth.

Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national
debt.

Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be
known as wheels.

Bore:  A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Bore:  He who talks so much about himself that you can't talk
about yourself.

Bore:  Wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
  -- Winchell

Brain:  The apparatus with which we think that we think.
  -- Ambrose Bierce

Bride:  A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Broad-mindedness:  The result of flattening high-mindedness
out.

Budget:  A method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.

Bureaucrat:  A person who cuts red tape sideways.
  -- J. McCabe

Bureaucrat:  A politician with tenure.

Business will be either better or worse.
  -- Calvin Coolidge

But officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!

By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you
questions.

California is proud to be the home of the freeway.
  -- Ronald Reagan

Calling a person a runner-up is a polite way of saying they
lost.

Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.

Charity:  A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.

Charm:  A way of getting a "yes" -- without having asked any
clear question.

Chastity:  The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
  -- Aldous Huxley

Chemicals:  Noxious substances from which modern foods are
made.

Children act like their parents despite every effort to teach
them good manners.

Cinemuck:  Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of
movie theaters.

Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.

College:  The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to
drink.

Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.

Commitment is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism.

Commitment:  Making time when there is none.

Common sense:  The collection of prejudices acquired by age
18.
  -- Einstein

Concept:  Any "idea" for which an outside consultant bills
more than $25,000.

Confidence:  The feeling you have before you understand the
situation.

Confucius say too much.
  -- recent Chinese proverb

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
  -- H. L. Mencken

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is
looking.
  -- Mencken

Conscience:  The inner voice that warns us somebody may be
looking.
  -- Mencken

Conscience:  The thing that hurts when everything else feels
great.

Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing
you weren't.

Conservative:  A Liberal who has just been mugged.

Conservative:  A person who believes nothing should be done
for the first time.

Conservative:  One who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to
run.

Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across
the fence.

Consultant:  Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but
can't get a date.

Consultation:  Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."

Continental Life.  Why do you ask?

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Could you be a poster child for retroactive birth control?

Courage:  Two cannibals having oral sex.

Coward:  One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
 -- Bierce

Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!

Crime does not pay...  as well as politics.
  -- A. E. Newman

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
  -- Steve Wright

Cynic:  A person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
lantern.
  -- Shoaff

Cynic:  A person who tells you the truth about your own
motives.
 -- Russel Green

Dare to be average.

Dark dirt is attracted to light objects, and dark dirt to
light objects.

Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get
worse every year.

Death has been proven to be 99% fatal to laboratory rats.

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
  -- R. Geis

Death is the greatest kick of all.  That's why they save it
for last.

Death:  To stop sinning suddenly.
  -- Elbert Hubbard

Deliberation:  Examining one's bread to determine which side
it is buttered on.

Democracy:  The worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
  -- H. L. Mencken

Dentists are incapable of asking questions that need a simple
yes or no answer.

Design simplicity:  Developed on a shoe-string budget.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines on them and makes
them perspire.

Diplomacy:  The art of letting someone else have your way.

Diplomacy:  The art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find
a rock.

Diplomat:  A man who can convince his wife she would look
stout in a fur coat.

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Distinctive:  A different color or shape than our competitors.

Do YOU have redeeming social value?

Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?

Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.
  -- Finagle

Do not underestimate the power of the Force.

Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

Don't be fooled by his twinkling eyes; it's the sun shining
between his ears.

Don't be humble...  you're not that great.
  -- Golda Meir

Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
  -- Burke

Don't eat the yellow snow.

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
  -- Anthony

Don't get even -- get odd!

Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out.

Don't give someone a piece of your mind unless you can afford
it.

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
  -- Scottish Proverb

Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.

Don't say yes until I finish talking.
  -- Darryl Zanuck

Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
  -- Hubbard

Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree.
  -- Russell Long

Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.

Don't use no double negatives, not never.

Don't worry; the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.

Don't you have anything more useful you could be doing?

Down with the categorical imperative!

Drive carefully.  We're overstocked.
  -- Sign in junkyard

Driving in the snow is a spectator sport.

Drug:  A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a
scientific paper.

Drugs are the scenic route to nowhere.

Ducks?  What ducks??

Due to a mixup in Urology, orange juice will not be served
this morning.

Dying is easy.  Comedy is difficult.

Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy
and dead.

Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- Film at eleven.

Earth is a great funhouse without the fun.
  -- Jeff Berner

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen
to you that day.

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow it might be illegal.

Education helps earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.

Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak...

Egotism:  Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen.

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
average drivers.

Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
  -- Groucho Marx's last words

Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
  -- Oscar Wilde's last words

Elbonics:  Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie
theatre.

Elections come and go, but politics are always with us.

Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.

Eloquence is logic on fire.

Engineers...  they love to change things.
  -- Leonard McCoy MD

Enjoy life; you could have been a barnacle.

Eschew obfuscation.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for
it.
  -- Woody Allen

Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and
bought titanium.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent
place for it.

Every silver lining has a cloud around it.

Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in
disguise.
  -- Atwood

Everyone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too
stupid to realize it.

Everyone needs belief in something.  I believe I'll have
another beer.

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.

Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
  -- O'Brian

Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
  -- Simon

Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.

Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
  -- Miller

Exclusive:  We're the only ones who have the documentation.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody
else to do the work.

Exercise extends your life ten years, but you spend 15 of them
doing it.

Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
ruined.
 -- Horner

Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
  -- Olivier

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes
instead of old ones.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something
else.

Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail the
same way.

Familiarity breeds attempt.

Familiarity breeds children.

Famous last words:  Don't worry, I can handle it.

Fanatic:  Someone who, having lost sight of his goal,
redoubles his efforts.

Fashion:  A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes
every six months.

Fast, Cheap, Good:  Choose any two.

Federal Reserve:  A reserve where federal employees hunt wild
game.

Fenderberg:  Deposit that forms on the inside of a car fender
after a snowstorm.

Fidelity:  A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be
betrayed.

Field tested:  Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.

Fill what's empty; empty what's full; scratch where it itches.
 -- Longworth

Fine day for friends.  So-so day for you.

Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
  -- Robert Firth

Flying is the second greatest experience known to man. 
Landing is the first.

Foolproof operation:  No provision for adjustment.

Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.

Football, like religion, brings out the best in people.
  -- Larry Chapman

For a good time, call 555-3100.

For adult education, nothing beats children.

For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
  -- Anthony Battista

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  -- Harrison

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
  -- Main

For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of
book they will like.

For some reason, this statement reminds everyone of Marvin
Zelkowitz.

For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of
thing they like.

Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.

Fortune favors the lucky.
  -- Tom Weller

Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.

Four kinds of homicide:  felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy...

Four wheel drive:  Lets you get more stuck, further from help.

Friends:  People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on
them.

Friends:  People who know you well, but like you anyway.

Furbling:  Walking a maze of ropes even when you are the only
person in line.

Genderplex:  Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures
which restroom to use.

Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major
appliance.
  -- Murray

Genetics:  Why you look like your father, and if you don't,
why you should.

Genius is the infinite capacity for picking brains.

Genius:  A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that
rhymes with "bright".

Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.

Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll
break my lever.

Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.

Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
  -- St. Augustine

Give your very best today.  Heaven knows it is little enough.

Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of
pregnancy.

Gleemites:  Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.

Go away.  I'm all right.
   -- last words of H. G. Wells

Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
  -- Mark Twain

God don't make mistakes.  That's how He got to be God.
  -- Archie Bunker

God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our
friends.

God is a polythiest.

God is not dead.  He is alive and autographing Bibles at
Cody's!

God is not dead.  He is alive and working on a much less
ambitious project.

God is not dead.  He just couldn't find a parking place.

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows
through.

God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the
seventh.

God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set
a bad example.

Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.

Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
  -- George Saunders's last words

Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then
some.
  -- Wiker

Graft:  An illegal means of uniting trees to make money.

Grasshoppotamus:  A creature that can leap to tremendous
heights...  once.

Gravity:  What you get when you eat too much and too fast.

Great minds run in great circles.

Group IQ:  Lowest IQ of any member divided by the number of
people in the group.

Grub first, then ethics.
  -- Bertolt Brecht

HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
  -- E. E. CUMMINGS

Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be
here.

Hailing frequencies open, Captain.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He
was rather large.

Hangover:  The wrath of grapes.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
  -- Ogden Nash

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Have an adequate day.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in
your brain.

Having children will turn you into your parents.

He has the heart of a little child...  it's in a jar on his
desk.

He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing
in the most words.

He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.

He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with
both eyes.

He who dies with the most toys, wins.

He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.

He who hesitates is a damned fool.
   -- Mae West

He who invents adages to peruse takes along rowboat when going
on cruise.

He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.

He who is still laughing hasn't yet heard the bad news.
  -- Bertolt Brecht

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
  -- Swipple

He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks.
  -- Chinese proverb

He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain
of TNT.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.

Heat expands:  In the summer the days are longer.

Heisenberg might have been here.

Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.

History chronicles the small portion of the past that was
suitable for print.

History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each
other.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Honeymoon:  A short period of doting between dating and debting.
  -- Ray Bandy

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
  -- Charles de Gaulle

How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to
line up so well?

How do you make an elephant float?  Two scoops of elephant and
some rootbeer...

How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom
door you are on.

How long should a man's legs be?  Long enough to reach the
ground.
  -- Lincoln

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?  All
you can afford.

How many weeks are there in a light year?

How much sin can you get away with and still go to heaven?

How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless
serpent.

How to regain your virginity:  Reverse the process until it
returns.

How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.

Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.

Humor is the best antidote to reality.

I am a Hollywood writer, so I put on a sports jacket and take
off my brain.

I am a Libra.  Libras don't believe in astrology.
  -- Al Hibbs

I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have
evolved from humans.

I am dying beyond my means.
  -- Oscar Wilde's last words, sipping champagne

I am not a crook.
  -- Richard Nixon

I am not a lovable man.
  -- Richard Nixon.

I am not as dumb as you look.

I am not cynical, just experienced.

I am prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for
everyday life.

I am really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk
again real soon, OK?

I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.
  -- Will Rogers

I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.

I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for
my mother.

I can relate to that.

I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.
  -- the Wizard of Oz

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I do desire we may be better strangers.
  -- Shakespeare

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
  -- Brilliant

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
  -- Mae West

I hate quotations.
  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have already told you more than I know.

I have heard about people like me, but I never made the
connection.
  -- McLean

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only
longer.
  -- Albran

I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the
best.
  -- Wilde

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
  -- John D. Rockefeller

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
  -- Bill Hoest

I know on which side my bread is buttered.
  -- John Heywood

I like work; it fascinates me.  I can sit and look at it for
hours.

I love mankind...  It's people I hate.
  -- Schulz

I love my job; it's the work I can't stand.

I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's
not bad.
  -- Allen

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
  -- Brilliant

I must follow the people.  Am I not their leader?
  -- Benjamin Disraeli

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
  -- Woolcott

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
  -- Marx

I never made a mistake in my life.  I thought I did once, but
I was wrong.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
  -- G. B. Shaw

I promise we would only loose ten to twenty million TOPS!
  -- Dr. Strangelove

I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in
time.

I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
  -- Marilyn Chambers

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a
second.

I shot an arrow into the air and it stuck.
  -- graffito in Los Angeles

I spilled spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
  -- Steve Wright

I suggest a new strategy, Artoo:  Let the Wookee win.
  -- CP30

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree.
  -- Nash

I think we are all Bozos on this bus.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
  -- Mae West

I used to be lost in the shuffle.  Now I just shuffle along
with the lost.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure.

I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
  -- Woody Allen

I will always love the false image I had of you.

I will never lie to you.

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I would have made a good pope.
  -- Richard Nixon

I would like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?

I would like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
  -- Cerebus

I would never join any club that would have the likes of me as
a member.
 -- Marx

I'd like to meet the person who invented sex, and see what
he's working on now.

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal
lobotomy.

I'll race you to China.  You can have a head start.  Ready,
set, GO!

I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?
  -- Harold Urey

I'm not afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
  -- Allen

I'm not going deaf.  I'm ignoring you.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle
peep I am.

I'm pretty good with BS but I love listening to an expert. 
Keep talking.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.
  -- Mae West

Ice cream cures all ills.  Temporarily.
  -- Seleznick

Idiot box:  Part of an envelope that tells a person where to
place the stamp.

If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born
that way.

If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given
you bigger hands.

If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all his windows.
 -- Yiddish proverb

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
 -- Samuel Goldwyn

If I had any humility I would be perfect.
  -- Ted Turner

If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in
Hell.
  -- Sheridan

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it
against me?

If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
  -- Silverman

If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
points.

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
  -- G. K. Chesterton

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
  -- Paul Beatty

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be
an improvement.

If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
$19.95.
 -- McGowan

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about
success.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care
anyway.

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
  -- Leonard Levinson

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of
adolescence.

If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by
statistical methods.

If in doubt, mumble.

If it is Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.

If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.

If it jams, force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing
anyway.

If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.

If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised
apples.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at
all.

If one hundred people do a foolish thing, one will become
injured.

If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.

If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would
be enough.

If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
  -- G. B. Shaw

If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only
once.

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been
away on vacation.

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn
near zero.
  -- Ellis

If the ship is not sinking, the rats must be the ones not
leaving.

If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
  -- Gold

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
  -- Art Hoppe

If this saying did not exist, somebody would have invented it.

If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?

If we all work together we can totally disrupt the system.
  -- Brilliant

If we knew what the hell we were doing, then it wouldn't be
research.

If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the
elephants.
  -- Zisla

If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's
affection.

If you are not very clever you should be conciliatory.
  -- Benjamin Disraeli

If you are seen fixing it, you will be blamed for breaking it.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
  -- J. Paul Getty

If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a
horse.

If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with
bullshit.

If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you
don't have them on.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
  -- Harry S Truman

If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the
chaos.
  -- Stoppard

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
  -- Slous

If you do not change direction you are likely to end up where
you are headed.

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it
again.

If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost.

If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.

If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat
it.
  -- Coolidge

If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly
misunderstand, someone will.

If you have kleptomania, you can always take something for it.

If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.

If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
  -- Hempstone

If you liked Earth, you will love Heaven.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the
committee.
 -- Graham Summer

If you look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough
to travel.
  -- Fuch

If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.
  -- Schmidt

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in
first.

If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.

If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.

If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.
  -- Wright

If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
  -- Ronald Reagan

If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.

Ignorance:  When you don't know anything, and someone else
finds out.

Ignore previous fortune.

Imports are ports very far inland.

In America, it is not how much an item costs, it is how much
you save.

In English, every word can be verbed.

In a ham and egg breakfast, the chicken was involved, but the
pig was committed.

In a modern household, the only things we have to wash by hand
are children.

In an orderly world, there is always a place for the
disorderly.

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every
advantage of the enemy.

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.
  -- Butler

In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.

In process:  So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is
almost hopeless.

In the first half of our life we learn habits that shorten the
second half.

In this world, truth can wait; she is used to it.

Ingrate:  Bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.

Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids!

Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to
peel and cook.

Institute:  An archaic school where football is not taught.

Interchangeable parts won't.

Is it time for lunch yet?

Is there life before death?
  -- Belfast Graffito

Is this really happening?

It ain't loafing unless they can prove it.
  -- Dick Brown

It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your
calculations.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.
  -- Andrew Mathis

It is better to be on penicillin than never to have loved at
all.

It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than
vice versa.

It is better to burn out than to fade away.

It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have
loved at all.

It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.

It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.

It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
  -- Tom Weller

It is better to wear out than to rust out.

It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral
legislators.

It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with
turkeys.

It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
  -- Washlesky

It is later than you think.

It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing
about the problem.

It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.

It is not that you and I are so clever, but that the others
are such fools.

It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun
for.
  -- epitaph

It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate
his father.

It seems to make an auto driver mad if she misses you.

It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu
speech.
 -- Mark Twain

It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.

It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.

It works better if you plug it in.

It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people
are of everything.

It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
  -- Wright

It's better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.

It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the
Tuscaloosa.

It's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by
turkeys.

It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are
why he's nervous!

It's here at last:  Released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.

It's not easy being green.
  -- Kermit

It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing
the game.

Jesus saves; Moses invests; but only Buddha pays dividends.

Journalism is literature in a hurry.
  -- Matthew Arnold

Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you
are at it.

Just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean they are not
out to get you.

Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.

Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality
with a large needle.

Justice:  A decision in your favor.

Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.

Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at
any time.

Keep stress out of your life.  Give it to others instead.

Keep the pointy end forward and the dirty side down.

Klatu barada nikto.

Kleptomaniac:  A rich thief.

Knocked; you weren't in.
  -- Opportunity

Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone.

Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.
  -- Henry Camp

Krogt:  The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game
cards.

LSD soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess reality.

Lactomangulation:  Abusing the "open here" spout on a milk
carton.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.

Lead me not into temptation.  I can find it myself.

Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Liberal:  A Conservative who has just been arrested.

Liberal:  Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to
be a communist.

Lie:  A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
discovered to date.

Life -- love it or leave it.

Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
  -- Miss November, 1966

Life is a game of bridge -- and you have just been finessed.

Life is complex.  It has real and imaginary parts.

Life is difficult because it is non-linear.

Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.

Life is like a fountain...  I will tell you how when I figure
it out.

Life is like a sewer...  What you get out of it depends on
what you put into it.

Life is like an analogy.

Life is not for everyone.

Life is wasted on the living.

Life might have no meaning, or worse, it might have a meaning
you don't like.

Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
  -- Sanka ad

Life:  A brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.

Little things come in small packages.
  -- Tom Weller

Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.

Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.

Logic is a means of CONFIDENTLY being wrong.

Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
  -- Kettering

Losing your driver's license is just God's way of saying
"BOOGA, BOOGA!"

Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a
bit.

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Love is being stupid together.

Love is the only game that is not called on account of
darkness.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  -- H. L. Mencken

Love means nothing to a tennis player.

Love your enemies.  It will make them crazy.

Love:  The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your
neurotic needs.

Machines have less problems.  I'd like to be a machine.
  -- Andy Warhol

Magnocartic:  Any automobile that when left unattended
attracts shopping carts.

Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.

Majority:  That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.

Make a firm decision now...  you can always change it later.

Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black
stripes.

Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
  -- Fred Allen

Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
  -- Mark Twain

Man who arrives at party two hours late finds he has been
beaten to the punch.

Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.

Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle
of self.

Mankind has never reconciled itself to the ten commandments.

Many a family tree needs trimming.

Many are called, but few are at their desks.

Many are cold, but few are frozen.

Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus:  engagement ring, wedding
ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one?

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life
paying for it.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
  -- Voltaire

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.
  -- John Lyly

Mathematicians take it to the limit.

Matrimony is the root of all evil.

Matter cannot be created or destroyed; nor can it be returned
without a receipt.

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up.

May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

May you have many friends and very few living enemies.

Measure with a micrometer; mark with chalk; cut with an axe.
  -- Ray

Meeting:  A gathering where the minutes are kept and the hours
lost.
  -- Gourd

Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
  -- Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to
music.
  -- Groucho Marx

Moderation is a fatal thing.  Nothing succeeds like excess.
  -- Oscar Wilde

Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.

Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
  -- J. K. Galbraith

Modesty:  Being comfortable that others will discover your
greatness.

Momentum:  What you give a person when they are going away.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can certainly rent it for a
couple of hours.

Money can't buy happiness, but it lets you be miserable in
comfort.

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

Monotony:  The practice of having only one spouse at a time.

Most general statements are false, including this one.
  -- Alexander Dumas

Mountain range:  A cooking stove used at high altitudes.

Mummy:  An Egyptian who was pressed for time.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
  -- Iphicrates

My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
 -- Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am
right.

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other
people's.
  -- Wilde

Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
game.

Narcolepulacy:  The contagious action of yawning.

Necessity is a mother.

Neckties strangle clear thinking.
  -- Lin Yutang

Neutrinos have bad breadth.

Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.

Never eat anything bigger than your head.
  -- Kliban

Never give an inch!

Never have any children, only grandchildren.
  -- Gore Vidal

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs
repainting.
 -- Billy Rose

Never laugh at live dragons.
  -- Bilbo Baggins

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
  -- Hartley

Never verb your nouns.

New:  Different color from previous model.

Nice guys don't finish nice.

No guts, no glory.

No maintenance:  Impossible to fix.

No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.

No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his
turn next.
  -- Howe

No matter what goes wrong, there's always someone who knew it
would.

No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing
to fake it.

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.

Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.

Nobody ever has a reservation on a plane that leaves from
Gate 1.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Nobody knows the trouble I have been.

Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.

Nonsense.  Space is blue and birds fly through it.
  -- Heisenberg

Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.

Not all men who drink are poets.  Some of us drink because we
are not poets.

Nothing can be done in one trip.
  -- Snider

Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.

Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad
example.

Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.

Nothing recedes like success.
  -- Walter Winchell

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
  -- Mark Twain

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
  -- Kim Hubbard

Now and then an innocent person is sent to the Legislature.

Now it's time to say goodbye, to all our company...  M-I-C,
K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E.

Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.

Nugloo:  Single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire
forehead.

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
  -- Plato

Often it is fatal to live too long.
  -- Racine

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to
conceive.
  -- Herold

Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!

Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.

Omniscience:  Talking only about things you know about.

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
  -- W. C. Fields's epitaph

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse.

Once is happenstance.  Twice is coincidence.  Thrice is enemy
action.

Once upon a time, charity was a virtue and not an
organization.

One Bell System -- it sometimes works.

One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.

One size fits all:  Doesn't fit anyone.

One thing leads to another, and usually does.

One word of advice:  Don't give it.

Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.

Only fools are quoted.
  -- Anonymous

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
  -- Ducharme

Our parents were never our age.

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
  -- Roy Ash

Our problems are mostly behind us.  Now we have to fight the
solutions.

Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.

Oversteer is when the passenger is scared; understeer when the
driver is scared.

Packrat's credo:  "I have no use for it, but I hate to see it
go to waste."

Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
  -- Corry

Paradise is exactly like where you are, only MUCH, MUCH
better.
  -- Anderson

Paradox:  An assistant to PhDs.

Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.

Paranoia:  A healthy understanding of the nature of the
universe.

People have one thing in common:  They are all different.

People sweat is they won't catch fire while making love.

People who take cat naps usually don't sleep in a cat's
cradle.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of
us who do.

People will buy anything that is one to a customer.
  -- Lewis

Perfect guest:  One who makes his host feel at home.

Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.

Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

Phasers locked on target, Captain.

Philosophy:  Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.

Pity the poor egg; it only gets laid once.

Politics consists of deals and ideals.

Politics:  The art of turning influence into affluence.

Positive:  Being mistaken at the top of your voice.

Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
  -- Ryan

Power means not having to respond.

Predestination was doomed from the start.

Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:  It's on the other side.

Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.

Proctologist:  A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

Professor:  One who talks in someone else's sleep.

Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more
subtly wrong.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too
long.
  -- Nash

Proofreading is more effective after publication.
  -- Barker

Proximity isn't everything, but it comes close.

Puritan:  Someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere
is having fun.

Quack!

Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it is the only one
we have.

Quark!  Quark!  Beware the quantum duck!

Question Authority...  and the Authorities will question you!

Quinine is the bark of a tree; canine is the bark of a dog.

Quit working and play for once!

Quoting one is plagiarism.  Quoting many is research.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Reality -- what a concept!
  -- Robin Williams

Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
  -- Lily Tomlin

Refrain means don't do it.  A refrain in music is the part you
better not sing.

Refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Reputation:  What others are not thinking about you.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
  -- von Braun

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
  -- Wright

Rugged:  Too heavy to lift.

Rumper sticker on a horse:  "Get off my tail, because shit
happens."

Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more
tolerant.
  -- Swayze

Sacred cows make great hamburger.

Sailing:  A form of mast transit.

Science is material.  Religion is immaterial.

Scotty, beam me up a double!

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Seeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.
  -- James Thurber

Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
  -- Alfred Whitehead

Serendipity:  The process by which human knowledge is advanced.

Sex is dirty only when it's done right.
   -- Woody Allen

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

She walks as if balancing the family tree on her nose.

Showing up is 80% of life.
  -- Woody Allen

Sign on bank:  "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT."

Smile!  You're on Candid Camera.

Snow and adolescence are problems that disappear if you ignore
them long enough.

Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.

Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.

Some men are discovered; others are found out.

Some people are afraid of heights.  I am afraid of widths.

Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever
they go.

Some people who can, should not.

Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the
head.

Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already
had it?

Someday you'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked
car.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Spinster:  A bachelor's wife.

Spirobits:  The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral
notebook.

Spock:  We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.

Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also
upside down.

Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.

Stock item:  We shipped it once before and we can do it again.

Stop committing useless mistakes.  Make your next mistake
count!

Strategy is when you keep firing so the enemy doesn't know
you're out of ammo.

Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and
not until.

Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without
being discouraged.

Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
  -- Donald Kaul

Sweater:  A garment worn by a child when his parent feels
chilly.

System-independent:  Works equally poorly on all systems.

Tact:  The unsaid part of what you are thinking.

Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.

Technique:  A trick that works.

Teenagers are two year olds with hormones and wheels.
  -- Will Limon

Telepathy:  Knowing what people think when really they don't
think at all.

Thank you for observing all safety precautions.

That must be wonderful; I don't understand it at all.
  -- Moliere

That that is is that that is not is not.

The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and
Spain.

The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.

The Society of Independent People has no members.

The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit
tastes bad.

The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
  -- Clifton Fadiman

The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
  -- Blair

The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the
envelope.

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to
live elsewhere.

The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is
going down.

The cow is a machine that makes grass fit for us people to
eat.
  -- John McNulty

The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other, milk.
  -- Ogden Nash

The death rate on Earth is:  One per person.

The decision does not have to be logical; it was unanimous.

The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven
days.

The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little
longer.

The early worm gets the late bird.

The fact that it works is immaterial.
  -- Ogborn

The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.

The fewer the data points, the smoother the curve.
  -- May

The first myth of management is that it exists.
  -- Heller

The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to
anyone, ever.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the
parts.
  -- Ehrlich

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and
sharpen my tongue.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
  -- Shakespeare

The following statement is not true...

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high
school counselors.

The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

The grass is always greener on the other side of your
sunglasses.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income
tax.
  -- Einstein

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the
ground and miss.

The law of gravity was enacted by the British Parliament.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an
approaching train.

The meek shall inherit the Earth -- they are too weak to
refuse.

The meek shall inherit the Earth after we are done with it.

The more things change, the more they stay insane.
  -- Tom Weller

The more things change, the more they will never be the same
again.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the
nose.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille
method.

The moving finger having writ...  gestures.

The next thing I say will be true.  The last thing I said was
false.

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of
them to choose from.

The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of
your action.

The number you have dialed is imaginary.  Please multiply by i
and dial again.

The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the
one doing it.

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
  -- Oscar Wilde

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
  -- Oscar Wilde

The optimum committee has no members.
  -- Norman Augustine

The other line always moves faster.

The past is another country; they do things differently there.

The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
  -- Finagle

The plural of "musical instrument" is "orchestra".

The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests.

The race is not always to the swift...  but that's the way to
bet.
  -- Runyon

The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally
located.

The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.

The second best policy is dishonesty.

The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
  -- Snoopy

The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that,
you have it made.

The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
  -- Diana Rigg

The shortest distance between two points is under
construction.
  -- Altito

The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch
up.
  -- Ogden

The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to
staple something.

The supernova makes Mt. St. Helens and Krakatoa look puny.
  -- Time Magazine

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it
made men think.

The things that interest people most are usually none of their
business.

The total intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
population is growing.

The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.

The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds
universes.

The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
  -- Gomme

The wind blows harder in the summer so the sun sets later.

The word today is legs...  Spread the word.

The world is run by C students.

The world isn't any worse.  It's just that the news coverage
is so much better.

The worst you can say about God is that he's an underachiever.
  -- Woody Allen

The zebra is chiefly used to illustrate the letter Z.

Theft from a single author is plagiarism.  Theft from three or
more is research.

There are many excuses for being late, but there are none for
being early.

There are more old drunkards than old doctors.

There are more things in heaven and earth than anyplace else.
  -- Tom Weller

There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already
full.
  -- Kissinger

There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.

There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your
shoulder.
  -- Spock

There is a vas deferens between men and women.

There is always more hell that needs raising.
  -- Lauren Leveut

There is an old proverb that says just about whatever you want
it to.

There is at least one fool in every married couple.

There is exactly one true categorical statement.
  -- John Kessenich

There is intelligent life on Earth, but I am just visiting.

There is no future in time travel.

There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
  -- Shick

There is no room in the drug world for amateurs.
  -- Raoul Duke

There is no time like the pleasant.

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.

There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.

There is only one difference between a madman and me.  I am
not mad.
  -- Dali

There is so much to say, but your eyes keep interrupting me.

There is very little future in being right when your boss is
wrong.

There must be more to life than having everything.

There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is
more to life.

They also surf who only stand on waves.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...  -- General
Sedgwick's last words

They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all
of the Chivas!

Things are more like they are today then they ever were
before.  -- Eisenhower

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.

Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
  -- Will Rogers

Think honk if you are telepathic.

This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!

This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.

This fortune was brought to you by the people at
Hewlett-Packard.

This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.

This is a good time to punt work.

shis is a recording.

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
  -- Winston Churchill

This may not be the best of all worlds, but it is certainly
the most expensive.

This saying would be seven words long if it were six words
shorter.

This sentence no verb.

This statement is in no way to be construed as a disclaimer.

This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try
to forget it.

Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.

Those who like sausages and the law had better not watch
either one being made.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
  -- Ben Franklin

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

Time flies when you don't know what you are doing.

Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.

Time is an illusion; lunchtime doubly so.
  -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't
happen at once.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land
in LA.
  -- Wright

To YOU I am an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
  -- Woody Allen

To be safe, make a copy of everything before you destroy it.

To err is human.  To admit it is a blunder.

To err is human.  To blame someone else for your errors is
even more human.

To err is human.  To forgive is unusual.

To keep milk from turning sour, you should keep it in the cow.

To make a small fortune in the commodities market, start with
a large fortune.

To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you
start.

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question...  or
is it?

Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.

Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.

Today is the last day of the past of your life.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Toe:  A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.
  -- Rilla May

Tomorrow looks like a good day to sleep in.

Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.

Too much is not enough.

Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
  -- Mae West

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
  -- Judy Garland

Tragedy:  A busload of lawyers driving off a cliff with three
empty seats.

Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
  -- Han Solo

Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.

Truthful:  Dumb and illiterate.

Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.

Try to live forever or die in the attempt.

Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.

Two can live as cheaply as one for half as long.
  -- Howard Kandel

Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.

Two heads are more numerous than one.
  -- Tom Weller

Two is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.
  -- Grabel

Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  -- Kohn

Unauthorized fornication with this equipment is disallowed.

Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under communism, it is
just the opposite.

Under every stone lurks a politician.  -- Aristophanes

Unmatched:  Almost as good as the competition.

Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80
characters.

Volcano:  A mountain with hiccups.

Vote anarchist.

Waste not, get your budget cut next year.

We are all politicians.  Some of us are just honest enough to
admit it.

We are all self-made, but only the rich will admit it.

We are living in a golden age.  All you need is gold.
  -- Robertson

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. 
  -- John Fisher

We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the
same.  -- Swift

We are sorry.  We cannot complete your call as dialed.

We are the people our parents warned us about.
  -- Jimmy Buffet

We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of
debt.
  -- Sign in bank

We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
  -- Richard Nixon

We don't have to protect the environment.  The Second Coming
is at hand.
 -- Watt

We have them just where they want us.
  -- James Kirk

We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate
in it.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify
the allegators.

We will get along fine as soon as you realize I am God.

We will have solar energy when the power companies develop a
sunbeam meter.

Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
  -- John Heywood

Well adjusted:  Makes the same mistake twice without getting
nervous.

Well-adjusted:  Able to play bridge or golf as if they were
games.

What can't be said, can't be said.  And it can't be whistled,
either.
  -- Tirtha

What did you bring the book I want to be read to out of about
Down Under up for?

What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?  A
good start.

What do you call a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?  Not
enough sand.

What happens when you cut back the jungle?  It recedes.

What is mind?  No matter.  What is matter?  Never mind.
  -- Thomas Key

What is orange and goes "click, click"?  A ball point carrot.

What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
  -- Will Harvey

What is the difference between a duck?  One of its legs is
both the same.

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking someone to
do.

What orators lack in depth they make up in length.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
  -- Ursula LeGuin

What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
  -- J. D. Farley

What this country needs is more leaders who know what this
country needs.

What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
  -- Peter Beagle

What!  Me worry?
  -- Alfred E. Newman

What, after all, is a halo?  It's only one more thing to keep
clean.
  -- Fry

Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.

When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
  -- Charles Smith

When I look at my children, I often wish I had remained a
virgin.
  -- L. Carter

When I'm good, I'm very good.  But when I'm bad, I'm better.
  -- Mae West

When Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.
  -- Tom Lehrer

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
  -- Mark Twain

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

When in charge, ponder.  When in doubt, mumble.  When in
trouble, delegate.

When in doubt, lead trump.

When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
  -- Dylan Thomas

When someone says, "It ain't the money, but the principle,"
it's the money.

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
  -- Lynch

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
  -- Hunter Thompson

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

When you breathe you inspire.  When you do not breathe you
expire.

When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with
erasers.

When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will
follow.
  -- LBJ

When you've seen one non-sequitar, the price of tea in China.

When your memory goes, forget it!

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling
passes.

Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not
really".
  -- Parnas

Where is Denver?  Denver is just below the O in Colorado.

Where there's a whip there's a way.

Where there's a will, there's a relative.

Whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing
behind your back.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?  Neither, it was the
rooster.

Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?

While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great
bargaining position.

White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.

Who cares about procreation, as long as it tickles?

Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
  -- Hattie McDaniel

Who was that masked man?

Who's on first?

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to
shop.

Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be
impossible?

Why did the chicken cross the road?  He was giving it last
rites.

Why doesn't life come with subtitles?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than
horses?
  -- Liddy

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
  -- Lily Tomlin

Why would anyone want to be called Later?

Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.

With a rubber duck, one's never alone.

Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.

Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.

Yawning is an orgasm for your face.
  -- Gunvar Ingeborg

Years of development:  We finally got one to work.

Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.

Yield to temptation; it might not pass your way again.

Yo-yo:  Something occasionally up but normally down (see also
"computer").

You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.

You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.

You are not paranoid if they're really after you...

You are ugly and your mother dresses you funny.

You are warm and giving toward others.  What are you after?

You aren't a real engineer until you make one $50,000 mistake.

You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is
sufficient.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with
a kind word.

You can observe a lot just by watchin'.
  -- Yogi Berra

You can rent this profound space for only $5 a week.

You can't have Kate and Edith too!

You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?

You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.

You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to
butter.

You could be playing a video game instead.

You fill a much-needed gap.

You have a right to your opinions.  I just don't want to hear
them.

You have been selected for a secret mission.

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You will learn
a lot today.

You know you have landed gear-up when it takes full power to
taxi.

You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
charge.
  -- Whistler

You now have Asian Flu.

You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much
happier.

You will be surprised by a loud noise.

You will feel hungry again in another hour.

You will live a long full life and gradually decay into a
useless blob.

You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of
money.

You will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with
both hands.

You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please
disregard.

You will soon forget this.

You will step on the night soil of many countries.

You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
  -- Frank Hubbard

You would if you could but you can't so you won't (and
probably shouldn't).

Your chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to...  uh...

Your check is in the mail.

Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).

Your love life will be...  interesting.

Your lucky number has been disconnected.

Your lucky number is 364958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.

Your reasoning is silly and irrational but it is beginning to
make sense.

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared
with.

Youth is too good to be wasted on the young.
  -- G. B. Shaw

[He] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I
admire.
  -- Churchill

[Nuclear war]...  may not be desirable.
  -- Edwin Meese III

Wherever you go --- there you are