After his  Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven.  As he passed  through the Gates, he paused a moment
in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called
Man, I hear, is soon to be created."
  "This is true," He replied.
  "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
  "What!   You,  his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask
for the right to make his laws?"
  "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
make his own."
  It was so granted.

Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.

Labor:One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as
               quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
Conclusion:    Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.

Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

Magnet, n.:    Something acted upon by magnetism
Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.

The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from
the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have
illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the
inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.  

Man:   An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he
thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. 
His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his
own species,  which, however, multiplies with such insistent
rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.  

Misfortune:  The kind of fortune that never misses.

Monday:  In Christian countries, the day after the baseball
game.  

Mythology:  The body of a primitive people's beliefs
concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so
forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it 
invents later.  

...It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as
when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some
physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid
of the sense of smell.
-- Ambrose Bierce

November:  The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.

Once, adv.:  Enough.  

In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as
the last resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an
enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it
is the first.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Pig:  An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the
human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite,
which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.

Positive:  Mistaken at the top of one's voice.   

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in
rats.

Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
  1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
       straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
       force is technically termed "car suck").
  2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
       than "Watch this!"

Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes
                  up on the roof and gets stuck.

Hofstadter's Law:
  It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
  Hofstadter's Law into account.

"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
   -- Andrew W. Mathis

If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or
prohibited by law.
-- Roy Santoro

Main's Law:
  For every action there is an equal and opposite government
  program.

"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."

Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
   It's on the other side.

Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
  1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
      check.
  2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
  3)  There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
      attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which
      is attracted to dark objects.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-- Noelie Altito

Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under
a larger object.

If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified
personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate
with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment
market is glutted.
-- Marguerite Emmons

Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.

Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
  The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
  to.....to........uh..............

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots

"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up
some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into
memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means."
-- Walt Kelly

If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the
other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
also a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so
friendly.
The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the
body. This means that only left handed people are in their
right mind.

"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The
irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does
what you tell it to do."

If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his
country. Actually, he'll do it to the country anyway.

Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.

Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could
only be worse in Cleveland.

As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember
that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance.

Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value
there may be in owning a piece thereof.

You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!

A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a
fertsneet (sort of).

To be is to do.
   -- I. Kant
To do is to be.
   -- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
   -- F. Flinstone

God is Dead
   -- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
   -- God
Nietzsche is God
   -- Dead

Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.

Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.

Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.

Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and,
if so, how many?

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.

Necessity is a mother.

Help!  I'm trapped in an Amiga!!

!!agimA na ni deppart m'I  !pleH

You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.

May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your
Erogenous Zones.

May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts

May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force
of a Thousand Caramels.

Sex is not the answer.
Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.

If anything can go wrong, it will.

$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become
$100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.

If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys
in their Heads.

If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on
Fire.

If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.

If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him
Rabbit Ears.

You're at the end of the road again.

If anything can go wrong, it will.

The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most
expensive. However, your neighbor is always wasting money that
should be yours by judging things by their price.

A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
The system, you see,
Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.

This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in
desperate need, please use the program "r".  This program
generates random characters, and, given enough time, will
undoubtedly come up with something profound.  It will,
however, take it no time at all to be more profound than THIS
program has ever been.

This fortune intentionally not included.

"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like
it put more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be
otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you
were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had
been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'"

Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux
    Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enmes sont les gougebosquex,
    Et le momerade horgrave.

Es brilig war.
Die schlichte Toven
    Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-mumsige Burggoven
    Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.

Oh, when I was in love with you,
    Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
    How well did I behave.
And now the fancy passes by,
    And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
    Am quite myself again.
   -- A. E. Housman

Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
Silently scheming,
Sightlessly seeking
Some savage, spectacular suicide.
   -- Stanislaw Lem

In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
incompetency
-- the Peter Principle

Pohl's law:
  Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate
  it.

Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this
simplistic formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not
suffice for the scientific mind.  The School of Higher
Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned with what does
exist.  Indeed, the banality of existence has been so amply
demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any
further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem
analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.  They
were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in
an entirely different way...

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a
way that you will look forward to the trip.

A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
-- Ambrose Bierce

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal
lobotomy.

When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.

HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN
     brains.
-- Walt Kelley

Look out!  Behind you!

Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing

Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
pulls coins out of one's pockets.
 -- Ambrose Bierce

It will be advantageous to cross the great stream...the Dragon
is on the wing in the Sky...the Great Man rouses himself to
his Work.

If all be true that I do think,
There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the
one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go
wrong.

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a
procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way
will promptly develop.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Every solution breeds new problems.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are
so ingenious.

O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
  "Murphy was an optimist."

Boling's postulate:
  If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.

Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
something.

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand,
somebody will.

Finagle's first Law:
  If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's second Law:
  No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
  someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
  believe it happened according to his own pet theory.

Finagle's third Law:
  In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
  beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
  Corollaries:
  1.  Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
  2.  The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
      don't want to hear, will see it immediately.

Finagle's fourth Law:
  Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
  makes it worse.

Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.

Issawi's Laws of Progress:
  The Course of Progress:
      Most things get steadily worse.
  The Path of Progress:
      A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.

Simon's Law:
  Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.

Ginsberg's Theorem:
  1.  You can't win.
  2.  You can't break even.
  3.  You can't even quit the game.
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
  Every  major  philosophy  that  attempts  to make life seem
  meaningful is based on the negation of one part of
  Ginsberg's Theorem.  To wit:
     1.  Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can
         win.
     2.  Socialism is based on the assumption that you can
         break even.
     3.  Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can
         quit the game.

Ehrman's Commentary:
  1.  Things will get worse before they get better.
  2.  Who said things would get better?

Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per
fortnight.

Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
  Negative expectations yield negative results.
  Positive expectations yield negative results.

Howe's Law:
  Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Sturgeon's Law:
  90% of everything is crud.

Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
  Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
  probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
  some useful work done.

Brook's Law:
  Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later

Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
  Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
  vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
  There's always one more bug.

Shaw's Principle:
  Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool
  will want to use it.

Law of the Perversity of Nature:
  You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of
  the bread to butter.

Law of Selective Gravity:
  An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Jenning's Corollary:
  The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
  directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Paul's Law:
  You can't fall off the floor.

Johnson's First Law:
  When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
  most inconvenient possible time.

Watson's Law:
  The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to
  the number and significance of any persons watching it.

Sattinger's Law:
  It works better if you plug it in.

Lowery's Law:
  If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing
  anyway.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
  Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Cahn's Axiom:
  When all else fails, read the instructions.

Jenkinson's Law:
  It won't work.

Murphy's Law of Research:
  Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Maier's Law:
  If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
  disposed of.
Corollaries:
1.  The bigger the theory, the better.
2.  The experiment may be considered a success if no more
    than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
    obtain a correspondence with the theory.

Williams and Holland's Law:
  If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
  statistical methods.

Harvard Law:
  Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
  temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
  organism will do as it damn well pleases.

Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
  Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to
  get out.

Brooke's Law:
  Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
  discovers something which either abolishes the system or
  expands it beyond recognition.

Meskimen's Law:
  There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
  do it over.

Heller's Law:
  The first myth of management is that it exists.
Johnson's Corollary:
  Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
  organization.

Peter's Law of Substitution:
  Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
  themselves.

Parkinson's Fourth Law:
  The number of people in any working group tends to increase
  regardless of the amount of work to be done.

Parkinson's Fifth Law:
  If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
  bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
  People are always available for work in the past tense.

Iron Law of Distribution:
  Them that has, gets.

H. L. Mencken's Law:
  Those who can -- do.
  Those who can't -- teach.
Martin's Extension:
  Those who cannot teach -- administrate.

Jone's Law:
  The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of
  someone to blame it on.

Rule of Feline Frustration:
  When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
  content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
  bathroom.

A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the
fuse by blowing first.

After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an
access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access
cover has been removed.

After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will
be found on the bench.

In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from
handbooks) are to be treated as variables.

Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order
will be.

First Law of Bicycling:
  No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
  wind.

Phillips' Law of sailing:
  If something can be descrtibed in nautical terms, it will
  cost twice as much
Corollary:
  If it can ONLY be described in nautical terms, you can't
  afford it.

Boob's Law:
  You always find something in the last place you look.

Osborn's Law:
  Variables won't; constants aren't.

Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
  That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added
  to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the
  answer you should have gotten.

Miksch's Law:
  If a string has one end, then it has another end.

Law of Communications:
  The inevitable result of improved and enlarged
  communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a
  vastly increased area of misunderstanding.

Harris's Lament:
  All the good ones are taken.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
   -- Harry S Truman

Putt's Law:
  Technology is dominated by two types of people:
    Those who understand what they do not manage.
    Those who manage what they do not understand.

First Law of Procrastination:
  Procrastination shortens the job and places the
  responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e.,
  the authority who imposed the deadline).

Fifth Law of Procrastination:
  Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling
  that there is nothing important to do.

Swipple's Rule of Order:
  He who shouts the loudest has the floor.

Wiker's Law:
  Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

Gray's Law of Programming:
  'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the
  same time as 'n' tasks.
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
  'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.

Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
  The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
  the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
  percent.

Weinberg's First Law:
  Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Weinberg's Second Law:
  If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote
  programs,then the first woodpecker that came along would
  destroy civilization.

Paul's Law:
  In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much
  you save.

Malek's Law:
  Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

Weinberg's Principle:
  An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
  sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

Barth's Distinction:
  There are two types of people:  those who divide people into
  two types, and those who don't.

Weiler's Law:
  Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
  himself.

First Law of Socio-Genetics:
  Celibacy is not hereditary.

Beifeld's Principle:
  The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
  receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression
  when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his
  wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

Hartley's Second Law:
  Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Pardo's First Postulate:
  Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
  fattening.
Arnold's Addendum:
  Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
  rats.

Parker's Law:
  Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Captain Penny's Law:
  You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
  the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.

Katz' Law:
  Man and nations will act rationally when all other
  possibilities have been exhausted.

Mr. Cole's Axiom:
  The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
  population is growing.

Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
  Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
  another drink.

The Kennedy Constant:
  Don't get mad -- get even.

Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
  It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Supplement:
  A .44 magnum beats four aces.

Jone's Motto:
  Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The Fifth Rule:
  You have taken yourself too seriously.

Cole's Law:
  Thinly sliced cabbage.

Hartley's First Law:
  You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
  float on his back, you've got something.

Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
  No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
  legislature is in session.

Churchill's Commentary on Man:
  Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of
  the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
  A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
  Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did,
  you'd be out of a job.

ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a
  church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.

"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
   -- Mark Twain

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and
nobody wants to read.
-- Mark Twain

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will
not bite you.  This is the principal difference between a dog
and a man.
-- Mark Twain

Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
-- Mark Twain

"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
voice.
"No," Said Gandalf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of
Mordor, which I will not utter here.  They are lines of a
verse long known in Elven-lore:
"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."

"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
It is because we are not the person involved"
-- Mark Twain

"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite
often picturesque liar."
-- Mark Twain

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
I said I didn't know.
-- Mark Twain

"...all the modern inconveniences..."
   -- Mark Twain

We have met the enemy, and he is us.
-- Walt Kelly

"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
-- William Gilbert

Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All
the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.

Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise
the cork makes when it is popped.

Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.

Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large
city can never hope to acquire it.

Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.

The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
   -- Ogden Nash

Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
   -- A. E. Housman

Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
   -- Su Tung-p'o

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his
passion for lists of "Ten Best".
   -- H. Allen Smith

we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
we will cry over things we used to laugh &
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
in the end a summer with wild winds &
new friends will be.
This is for all ill-treated fellows
Unborn and unbegot,
For them to read when they're in trouble
And I am not.
   -- A. E. Housman

"Terence, this is stupid stuff:
You eat your victuals fast enough;
There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
To see the rate you drink your beer.
But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
It gives a chap the belly-ache.
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
It sleeps well the horned head:
We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
Your friends to death before their time.
Moping, melancholy mad:
Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
   -- A. E. Housman

Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived
the Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a
care: no spats in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom,
no evil influence of the moon, no trouble from matter or
antimatter -- for they had a machine, a dream of a machine,
with springs and gears and perfect in every respect.  And they
lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside it, for it
was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, then
they  put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
-- Stanislaw Lem

When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and
all the stars were lined up in their proper places, you could
easily count them from left to right, or top to bottom, and
the larger and bluer ones were set apart, and the smaller
yellowing types pushed off to the corners as bodies of a lower
grade...
-- Stanislaw Lem

Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution
wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in?
-- Ralph Emerson

The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
the contrary, nohow.

Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what
we can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of
others as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)"
   -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
   (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
   [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
   misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain
dealing.

There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.

A fool must now and then be right by chance.

Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you,
the person reading this note, that I can't think up any more
famous quotes, jokes, nor bizarre stories, so you may as well
go home.

Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
  1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
  2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
  3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
     first two laws.

Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
  Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
  equipment ruined.

Boren's Laws:
  1)  When in charge, ponder.
  2)  When in trouble, delegate.
  3)  When in doubt, mumble.

Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
  When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.

Rudin's Law:
  If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
  do it every time.

Bucy's Law:
  Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Hacker's Law:
  The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
  a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.

Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.
   -- Frederick Winsor

Vail's Second Axiom:
  The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
  amount of work already completed.

Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off

"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette
and I'm the only ashtray."

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
   -- Arlo Guthrie

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object
to it
-- G. B. Shaw

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
   -- Howard Kandel

Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting
because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could
confuse a lot of people.
-- Dolph Sharp

Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
  commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to
fight for freedom and liberty.
   -- Henrick Ibson

Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his
  cookery... by leaving it out.

Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
   -- Lazarus Long

I like work...
I can sit and watch it for hours.

Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.

"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as
much as we could with both of them."
   -- Major Major's father

Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
   -- A. E. Newman

Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now...try to get something DONE!

Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
   -- Ogden Nash

Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone
  that it might be taught to talk.

Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday
Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday
mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he
had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on
Wednesday...
   -- Walt Kelly

Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of
Jackals by Jackasses.
   -- H. L. Mencken

Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between
  two periods of fighting.

NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? 
          Everything he says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything
          he says will be right.
   -- G. B. Shaw

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people
who haven't what they want that they don't want it.
   -- Ogden Nash

Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of
Sleep.

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do
I.  I believe everything positively stinks.
   -- Lew Col

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would
scarcely get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it
will stick to your face.

Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better
than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
   -- Dolph Sharp

The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age
of 100 showed that all had these things in common:
  1)  They all had moderate appetites.
  2)  They all came from middle class homes
  3)  All but two of them were dead.

Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
   -- Ogden Nash

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but
it's very funny- Did you ever try buying them without money?
   -- Ogden Nash

Confucius say too much.
   -- Recent Chinese Proverb

Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and
dispels it with a tempest of words.
   -- Ambrose Bierce

Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
   -- W. C. Fields

"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
   -- W. C. Fields

A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.

Who's on first?

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no
influence on society.
   -- Mark Twain

We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our
best friends are trying to kill us.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
   -- Art Hoppe

The Killer Ducks are coming!!!

"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble
acturiety and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is
an exaulted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good
philosophy...neither its pipes nor its theories will hold
water."

There's little in taking or giving,
    There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
    Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
    The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
    And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
    And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
    Would you kindly direct me to hell?
   -- Dorothy Parker

"This is a country where people are free to practice their
religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number
of dangling keys..."

The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
   -- Dorothy Parker

THEORY
Into love and out again,
    Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
    Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
    All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
    Someone dropped me on my head?
   -- Dorothy Parker

If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
   -- Dorothy Parker

FIGHTING WORDS
Say my love is easy had,
    Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
    Still behold me at your side.
Say I'm neither brave nor young,
    Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue --
    Still you have my heart to wear.
But say my verses do not scan,
    And I get me another man!
   -- Dorothy Parker

COMMENT
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
   -- Dorothy Parker

INVENTORY
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.

The Abrams' Principle:
  The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.

"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."

"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."

Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be
Known as Wheels.

Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.

He who Laughs, Lasts.

Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.

Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so
that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.

"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for
writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too
famous."

Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.

To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.

Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
   -- Mae West

Famous last words:
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare
Thyself.

Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with
one's own opinion.

Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of
denying himself a pleasure.

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but
abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of
others.
   -- Ambrose Bierce

Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow
from, but not well enough to lend to.
  -- Ambrose Bierce

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.

Adore: To venerate expectantly.

Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves
who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket
that they cannot separately plunder a third.

Alone: In bad company.

Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand
pocket or a left.

God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.

Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already
sufficiently slippery.

Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an
excuse for getting drunk.

Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind
of weather we are having.

Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men -- they honored so the dame --
Upon some stars bestowed her name.
But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.

Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.

Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of
government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is
rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large
and wise as a man's head.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
   -- Ambrose Bierce

Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please because
nobody tries to please him.

Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.

Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine
which side it is buttered on.

Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of
a friend.

A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
   -- Gopete Sherany

Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself
than me.

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands
you are safe, for you can watch both of his.

Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming
out of her stockings and desolating the country.

Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating
the misery of another.

Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.

Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with
talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with
attention while you expound your own.

Did you know that clones never use mirrors?

Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and
half griffin.  The griffin was itself a compound creature,
half lion and half eagle.  The hippogriff was actually,
therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is two dollars and
fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full of
surprises.

There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable,
justifiable, and praiseworthy...
   -- Ambrose Bierce

Please ignore previous fortune.

Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal
advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or
adopting either of two conflicting opinions.

...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once
existed and were a scourge to mankind.  The evidence
(including confession) upon which certain women were convicted
of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based on it were sound
in logic and in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever
more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If there were no
witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
of value.
   -- Ambrose Bierce

Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.

Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different
languages to understand each other by repeating to each what
it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the
other to have said.

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
   -- Disraeli

You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
   -- J. D. Salinger

"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
   -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston

Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is
to a dog.
   -- Alfred Kahn

gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an
axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes
perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a
rotation of one of the two mutually perpindicular axes results
from application of torque to the other when the wheel is
spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable
opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque
that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
   -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary

Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates
philogyny.

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you
don't, why you should.

United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of
the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general
strike of all the military forces of the world.  Panic reigns
in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion.
Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low
over the world.
   -- Isaac Asimov

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University
education.
   -- G. B. Shaw

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life
that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
   -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as
warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the
heat.

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and
only four tellers?

Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and
drink?

Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs,
-- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.

Did you know...
That no-one ever reads these things?

Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
  -- From "The Thirteen Clocks"

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the
blackboard
   -- Prof. Steiner

"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
   -- Ashleigh Brilliant

"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
   -- Ashleigh Brilliant

Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure
is no guarantee of eventual success.

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION

It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing
about the problem.

Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce
his name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably
mangle it into (Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that
Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value.

The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball
machine increases in direct proportion to how much you hate
licorice.

If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending
machine, you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice"
button, you'll get ice, but no cup.

Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.

Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.

Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.

Those who can't write, write manuals.

Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! 
Just type in your name and social security number.  Please
remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.

Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if
they'd only take a bath...

"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with
both eyes..."

It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he
loves the flag.

Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless
it was to avoid responsibility with?

SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think.

The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every
Jewish child, was propounded to me by my father:
    "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
     whistles?"
I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final
perplexity gave up.
    "A herring," said my father.
    "A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the
wall!"
    "So hang it there."
    "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
    "Paint it."
    "But a herring isn't wet."
    "If its just painted its still wet."
    "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a
herring doesn't whistle!!"
    "Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make
it hard."
   -- Leo Rosten

"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His
windows."
   -- Yiddish saying

Waiter:
"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"

On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third
day's income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied
no less than $283 on the desk before the cashier.
"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth
Street and worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold
mine!"

The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the
klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
     "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
     "How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from
betting on people.
   -- W. C. Fields

There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such
wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling
investment of fact.
   -- Mark Twain

This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try
to forget

Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for
a change.

Beware of low-flying butterflies.

Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for
traffic tickets.

Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.

Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.

Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't
believe a thing he tells you.

Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake
until noon.

You may be recognized soon.  Hide.

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a
lot today.

Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.

Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.

You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need
the first and last month in advance.

Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.

You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few
days.

Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.

Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.

You may already be a weiner!

Don't feed the bats tonight.

Stay away from flying saucers today.

You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.

Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.

Help a swallow land at Capistrano.

Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.

Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees
it.

Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a
tantrum.

Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.

Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any
better so get used to it.

Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things
up.)

Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.

Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.

You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a
senior executive.

Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.

Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.

Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the
computer crashes.

Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.

Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and
moving to a new town.

If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what
happens tomorrow!

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid
enough to worry.

Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as
effective.

Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite
your nails.

Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they
are, not as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the
Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his
vision.

Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating
the misery of another.

Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the
trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.

Question: Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass. Who do you
trust?

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to
school.

You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.

Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things
which otherwise require harder thinking.
   -- Jerome Lettvin

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to
stop writing.
   -- R. Geis

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's
easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be
paranoid too.
   -- D. J. Hicks

The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of
course it is none of my business, but --" is to place a period
after the word "but." Don't use excessive force in supplying
such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a
momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
   -- Lazarus Long

What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
   -- Peter S. Beagle

If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn
fool.

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all
statistics are totally worthless.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of
great leaders has been discontinued.

I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for
everyday life.

Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.

Excellent time to become a missing person.

A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?

Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.

Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.

Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in
your face.

Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.

Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.

Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.

Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.

You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy
and live in eucalyptus trees.

Surprise due today.  Also the rent.

Avoid reality at all costs.

Good day to let down old friends who need help.

Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact,
you don't have a lucky day this year.

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much
time reading this sort of trash.

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.

Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.

Stay away from hurricanes for a while.

A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach
you soon. Avoid him.  He's a Commie.

I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.

Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.

Nihilism should commence with oneself.

Vote anarchist

People who live in glass houses, shouldn't!

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.

Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.

Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.

UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.

In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in
schools will be temporarily canceled.

Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.

Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still
waiting for a dial tone.

The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to
refuse.

Condense soup, not books!

The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those
library books!

Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is
next to exciting Camden, New Jersy.

Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.

Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.

What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!

Hire the morally handicapped.

I can resist anything but temptation.

Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.

Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.

Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.

Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.

Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.

Xerox never comes up with anything original.

Acid -- better living through chemistry.

"All flesh is grass"
    -- Isiah

Smoke a friend today.

"You'll never be the man your mother was!"

George Orwell was an optimist.

Chicken Little was right.

"Qvid me anxivs svm?"

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Cleveland still lives.  God _

Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!

They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!

Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra!  Ra!  Ra!

Brain fried -- Core dumped

Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.

Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't
happen at once.

If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given
you bigger hands.

What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.

Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying
"BOOGA, BOOGA!"

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura
soprano...

Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
   -- Salvor Hardin

"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our
new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."

"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has
turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking
transmission; or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video
processor."

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the
same?

Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down

Down with categorical imperative!

Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends

Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.

Lysistrata had a good idea.

Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.

Paul Revere was a tattle-tale

Familiarity breeds attempt

Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the
outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown
skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.

Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and
a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the
flesh.  They then point with pride to these practices as the
cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being
that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but
in spite of them.  The reason we find only robust persons
doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have
tried it.

Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In
legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as
honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."

Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five
disappointments.

God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for
6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

God is a polythiest

God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.

If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?

"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
"Diet."

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.

Death: to stop sinning suddenly.

"Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to
get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed
miracles."

Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands,
and goes to work.

"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."

The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to
show up at the steam fitters' picnic.

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are
not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer
to reality.
   -- Albert Einstein

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
   -- R. Geis

"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might
be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.
That's logic!"
   -- Lewis Carroll

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
   -- Hawkwind

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much
heavier.

There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that
   last line that I can."

A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."

"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth..."

"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
   -- Lily Tomlin

God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's

"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
   -- Albert Einstein

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have
studied harder.
   -- Pope John Paul I

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I
learn what it is I'll get married again.
   -- Clint Eastwood

Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the moebius strip;
The strip revolved,
The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.

...And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to
man
   -- A. E. Housman

WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
Oh, dear, where can the matter be
When it's converted to energy?
There is a slight loss of parity.
Johnny's so long at the fair.

PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.

IBM had a PL/I,
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.

System/3!  System/3!
See how it runs!  See how it runs!
Its monitor loses so totally!
It runs all its programs in RPG!
It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!

As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?

Reclaimer, spare that tree!
Take not a single bit!
It used to point to me,
Now I'm protecting it.
It was the reader's CONS
That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.

99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!
100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk!...

'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrave.
"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"

Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied:  "You
see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You
pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los
Angeles.  Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly
the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. 
The only difference is that there is no cat."

THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
The one who has the gold makes the rules.

If the odds are a million to one against something occurring,
chances are 50-50 it will.

"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on
the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable
punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers
calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions
based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by
persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for
the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for
the information in the first place."
   -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine

A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive

Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but
absence of body is better.
   -- Foolish Dictionary

Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.

Accuracy: The vice of being right

"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
coughing."

Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.

Adult: One old enough to know better.

Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
   -- Thomas Jefferson

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set
a bad example.
   -- La Rouchefoucauld

Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we
wasted the morning.

Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake,
one of them keeps paying for it.
   -- Peggy Joyce

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be
lazy.
   -- Charlie McCarthy

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from
barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
   -- John O'Hara

Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking
off your shoes.
   -- Mickey Mouse

Ass: The masculine of "lass".

Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.

A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and
no responsibility at the other.

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some
woman out of a divorce.
   -- Don Quinn

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun
is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
   -- Mark Twain

Boy: A noise with dirt on it.

Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness
out.

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money,
as well as afterward.

California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an
orange.
   -- Fred Allen

A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes
from the poor to protect them from each other.

Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite
every effort to teach them good manners.

Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his
time.

Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
   -- Herbert Prochnow

"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to
live elsewhere."

Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false
assumption that the other fellow can spell.

College football is a game which would be much more
interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and
even more interesting if the trustees played.  There would be
a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and
simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to
humanity.
   -- H. L. Mencken

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is
looking
   -- H. L. Mencken

Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is
catching his breath is called the listener.

"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of
Plymouth Corner, Vermont."
   -- Clarence Darrow

The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us
people to eat.
   -- John McNulty

Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a
jaundiced eye.

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by
the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
   -- G. B. Shaw

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to
wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class
management.
   -- Senator Soaper

Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
   -- Elbert Hubbard

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find
a rock.

A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout
in a fur coat.

Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve
the pain of being a damned fool.
   -- Bellamy Brooks

Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern
improvements.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize
a mistake when you make it again.
   -- F. P. Jones

"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last
half an hour!"
   -- Macy's

Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the
newspapers.

Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on
a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.

We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
   -- Maxwell Smart

If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born
that way.

There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented
The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
   -- Bert Whitney

Silverman's Law:
  If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.

Hindsight is an exact science.

Ducharme's Precept:
  Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

Naeser's Law:
  You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
  damnfoolproof.

If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be
down.  If the weather is extremely good, church attendance
will be down.  If the bulletin covers are in short supply,
however, church attendance will exceed all expectations.
   -- Reverend Chichester

The Third Law of Photography:
  If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
  when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all
  of the dark leaks out.

Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
  If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be
  implemented it wasn't worth doing.

Conway's Law:
  In any organization there will always be one person who
  knows what is going on.  This person must be fired.

To ask is to seek denial.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number
and then give it back to them.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you
ought to be doing.

Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors
in the mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the
duplicate while the Boss is reading it.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously
moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

DeVries' Dilemma:
  If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't
  want hits the paper.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Finagle's Creed:
  Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.

Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
  1.  If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test
      only once.
  2.  If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
      points.

Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
  Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies
  will reject the proposal.

Jones' First Law:
  Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
  endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
  obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
  importance of their original contribution.

Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
  Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
  handle.

When the government bureau's remedies do not match your
problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.

Horngren's Observation:
  Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

First Rule of History:
  History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat
  each other.

Hanlon's Razor:
  Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained
  by stupidity.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
  The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
  instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Corollary:
  Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
  except study for that instructor's course.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
  If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary:
  If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
  live.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't
mean he knows what it is.

Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.

Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label
means the price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY
NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.

McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
  If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's
  not $19.95.

Van Roy's Law:
  An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom
door you're on

Arthur's Laws of Love:
  1.  People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
      remind them of someone else.
  2.  The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
      be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a
      fool of yourself in person.

Colvard's Logical Premises:
  All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it
  won't.
Grelb's Commentary
  Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
  This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
  attracted to.

Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
  Superiority is recessive.

Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. 
They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about
them.

Ducharm's Axiom:
  If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
  yourself as part of the problem.

A Law of Computer Programming:
  Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
  will find the programmers cannot write in English.

Turnaucka's Law:
  The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
  electrical cord.

One good reason why computers can do more work than people is
that they never have to stop and answer the phone.

Bradley's Bromide:
  If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
  committee -- that will do them in.

At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer
you will find at least two human errors, including the error
of blaming it on the computer.

If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but
garbage.  But this garbage, having passed through a very
expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize
it.

Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant
because it isn't here.
   -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
   -- Groucho Marx

Military justice is to justice what military music is to
music.
   -- Groucho Marx

Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
   -- Adlai Stevenson

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses
interest in students.
   -- John Ciardi

The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group
divided by the number of people in the group.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
   -- Jules de Gaultier

Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then
complains of indigestion.

Justice: A decision in your favor.

Kin: An affliction of the blood

Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
discovered to date.

Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving
devices the world has ever seen.

Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.

Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.

Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
   -- Mark Twain

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he
is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of
reason.
   -- Oscar Wilde

Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out
of

"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is
to start with a large fortune."

Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
   -- Ambrose Bierce

The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well
as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the
streets, and to steal bread.
   -- Anatole France

BLISS is ignorance

God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh

The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
  To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
  program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
  one, and convert to the next higher units.

Predestination was doomed from the start.

Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together...
   -- Carl Zwanzig

Xerox does it again and again and again and ...

Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.

Love is sentimental measles.

Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then
you find there is nothing in it.

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
but if you really make them think they'll hate you.

I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they
could do was to go away.

If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up
where we are headed.

"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that
keeps us sane."

"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going
to do is make the rubble bounce"
   -- Winston Churchill

But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
   -- Hilaire Belloc

The three laws of thermodynamics:
The First Law:
You can't get anything without working for it.
The Second Law:
The most you can accomplish by working is to break
even.
The Third Law:
You can only break even at absolute zero.

Famous last words:
  1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
  2) "You and what army?"
  3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
      be a cop."

Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
in kernel as it is in user!

Nothing is faster than the speed of light...
To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door
before the light comes on.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to
be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
mistakes over and over again.  People think you are stupid.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
followed by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over
your associates and people resent your flaunting of your
power.  You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. 
Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. 
You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. 
You are not very nice.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged
determination and work like hell.  Most people think you are
stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you
because you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect
too much for too little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis
are known for committing incest.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
problems.  They think you are a sucker.  You are always
putting things off.  That's why you'll never make anything of
yourself.  Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are
pushy.  Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike
honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people
are thieves.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking
is sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional
and sometimes fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good
bus drivers.

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. 
Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most
Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal
disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will
achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
ethics.  Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless
tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority
of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both.  People
laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do
much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been a
Capricorn of any importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing
still for too long as they take root and become trees.

Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a
   light bulb in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.

Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.

  A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were
arguing about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course
of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of
Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is
clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as
the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical
feat."
  The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at
the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void,
and out of that, the Garden and the world were created.  So
God must have been an architect."
  The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this
said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's
better than no government at all.

Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
Less dear than army ants in apple pies
Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.

Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is
the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the
other side of his atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
   -- Mark Twain

When two people are under the influence of the most violent,
most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions,
they are required to swear that they will remain in that
excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until
death do them part.
   -- George Bernard Shaw

"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
   -- Walt Kelly

Laetrile is the pits

Got Mole problems?
Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23

There's no future in time travel

Vitamin C deficiency is apauling

Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana

Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.

Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.

"Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"

But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul
of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been
exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
   -- Bruce Leverett

"Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"

Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally
ill.  Check three friends.  If they're ok, you're it.

Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.  Unlike
most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage,
nor any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern
driver.  Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?"
lights up in the center of the dashboard.  "The experienced
driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong."

Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived
from FROBNITZ.  Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the
saying "to frob a frob".  See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB,
TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum.
 FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross
manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting;
TWEAK connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is turning a knob on
an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is
probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at
the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing
it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.

USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.

Worst Month of the Year: February.  February has only 28 days
in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are
paying for three full days you don't get.  Try to avoid
Februarys whenever possible.

Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout.  This is
also the worst vegetable of next year.

Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.  Simply
remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each
of side of the cube will now be the original color of the
plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions,
this means the puzzle is solved.

Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August.  The lines
are the shortest, though.

There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
handicapped.
   -- Elbert Hubbard

Computer programmers do it byte by byte

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
   -- Albert Einstein

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
   -- Eleanor Roosevelt

I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to
do.

This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88

"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
   -- Bill Hoest

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off
all those Californians trying to share the experience.

Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.

She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that
you could have poured on a waffle.

He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.

People will buy anything that's one to a customer.

It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.

How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.

The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government
around.  I hope I don't get run over again.

What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.

Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it
alive.

Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in
compensation for their destitution of conscience.

Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought
to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.

You will be surprised by a loud noise.

As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.

President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets
tax.

Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances;
defamed; slandered.

Brain, v.: [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not
pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent.

Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.

A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
   -- Gigo

Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.

Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
   -- Dorothy Parker

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it
is time to reform.
   -- Mark Twain

There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already
full.
   -- Henry Kissinger

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
   --Oscar Wilde

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
   -- Oscar Wilde

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves
the ends.
   -- Herbert Hoover

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked
about, and that is not being talked about.
   -- Oscar Wilde

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was very odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
   -- Lewis Carroll

It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be
there when it happens.
   -- Woody Allen.

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no
more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near
relation.
   -- Oscar Wilde

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
   -- Joe Walsh

43rd Law of Computing:
  Anything that can go wr
  Corrupt Memory List - Please reboot.

Never try to outstubborn a cat.
   -- Lazarus Long

FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ...
uh, when the little hand is on the ....

Only God can make random selections.

Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely,
mind-bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long
way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts
to space.
   -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
They usually have virgins,
And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.

Kinkler's First Law:
  Responsibility always exceeds authority.

Kinkler's Second Law:
  All the easy problems have been solved.

"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
   -- Bertold Brecht

"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."

How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None.  The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays
out of the way.

University: Like a software house, except the software's free,
and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll
quickly tell you how to fix it, and ...

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a
lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."
How many software engineers does it take to change a
lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."
How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."

William Safire's Rules for Writers:
Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice
should never be used.  Do not put statements in the negative
form.  Verbs have to agree with their subjects.  Proofread
carefully to see if you words out.  If you reread your work,
you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be
avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must not shift
your point of view.  And don't start a sentence with a
conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word
to end a sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!! 
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long
sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. 
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.  If
any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb
is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. 
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should be
careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always
follows the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the
plague; seek viable alternatives.