19 PROGRAMMER'S CHEER: Shift to the left, Shift to the Right, Pop Up, Push Down, Byte, Byte, Byte! /1 QUESTION: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? ANSWER: 0. That's a hardware problem. /2 Did you hear about the little boy who was thrown out of the boy scouts for eating brownies? /3 QUESTION: How do you break a neanderthal's finger? ANSWER: You punch him in the nose. /4 Three priests were in a train station. The first priest goes up to the ticket counter. The ticket clerk has cleavage down to her knees and the priest gets flustered and says "I need three tickets to Tittsburgh - OH! I'm sorry!!" and he runs back to the other priests. He explains what happened. The second priest shakes his head and says, "Let me take care of this". So the second priest goes up to the ticket clerk and says, "I need three tickets to Pittsburgh and I need the change back in nipples and dimes - OH! Excuse me!!!" He goes back to the other priests. The third priest looks at the other two and says, "And you call your- selves men of the cloth"! He walks up to the ticket counter and says, "I need three tickets to Pittsburgh and I need the change back in nickels and dimes. And let me tell you something young lady, you should be ashamed of yourself dressing that way in public. Some day St. Finger is going to come down and shake his peter at you!!!!" /5 A man walks into the patent office with an apple. The patent clerk says "I'm sorry, sir. I can't give you a patent for an apple. You didn't invent this apple". The man says, "Yes I did. This is a special apple. Here, taste it". The clerk takes a bite of the apple and is absolutely amazed. The apple tastes just like a peach!! The man says "Turn it and take another bite". The clerk turns the apple and takes another bite and it tastes just like a banana! The man says, "Turn it..." The clerk turns it, bites it, tastes like a plum!! He says, "This is great!! I'll give you a patent. But you know what would really be great? If you could make an apple that tastes like pussy...." The man smiles and reaches into a paper bag and hands the clerk another apple. The clerk looks at the man and says, "Naw!!" "Try it", says the man. So the clerk takes a bite and spits it out immediately, "Yuck!! This apple tastes like shit!!!" The man says, "Turn it...." /6 The pope wakes up one morning with his manhood making itself known. He's embarassed when it still hasn't gone down even after his shower. But, he's able to cover it with his robes, so he covers it and goes to work. By lunch it still hasn't gone down, so he sneaks into the garden and quickly relieves the problem. Unfortunately for the pope, a photographer looking for candid shots happened to catch the pope in the act. He decides to blackmail the pope. He sends the pictures to the pope and tells him if he doesn't send $20,000 he will publish the pictures. The pope has no choice. He sends the $20,000. The photographer sends the pope the negatives and the camera and leaves the photography business to become an evangelist. That day a group of Japanese visitors are in the pope's chambers and one of them notices the camera. It's a really fancy camera with a huge telephoto lens and all kinds of neat features. He is surprised that the pope would have such a camera. He asks the pope how much it cost. The pope cannot lie and says $20,000. The Japanese man looks at the pope and says "Oh, that guy must have seen you coming!" /7 A man decides to get his wife a whirlpool bath for their anniversary. To make it really special, he wants to fill it with milk so she can have the milk bath she has always wanted. He calls the dairy to find out if they can sell him the amount of milk he needs to fill the bath. The dairyman says, "Sure. You want regular milk, skim milk, or cream?" The man says, "Regular milk will be fine". The dairyman says, "Do you want it pasteurized"? The man says, "No, just up to her tits will be fine". /8 QUESTION: What do you do with a 90 year old woman? ANSWER: Give her to Mikey, he'll eat anything. /9 QUESTION: Why do gorillas have such big noses? ANSWER: Because they have such big fingers. /10 QUSTION: What did the leper say to the prostitute? ANSWER: Keep the tip. /11 QUESTION: Why did the rubber fly across the room? ANSWER: Because it was pissed off. /12 QUESTION: Why don't ant eaters ever get sick? ANSWER: Because they're full of little anty-bodies. /13 This guy walks out to his car in an apartment parking lot. Just as he unlocks his car he hears a whistle. He looks around and sees a beautiful woman in a black negligee standing on a balcony waving him up. He says "ME?"! She says "Yes, YOU". He runs up the stairs and knocks on the door. She answers the door and is even more beautiful than he expected. She says, "Come in". "ME?"! he gasps. "Yes, YOU", she whispers. "Unzip your pants and put it in my hand", she says holding out her hand. "ME?"! He can't believe it. Quickly he unzips his pants and puts it in her hand. She claps her hands together several times very hard and says, "That's for parking in my spot!!!!" /14 QUESTION: What do you do with a wok? ANSWER: Thwow it at a wabbit (if you're mean). /15 Did you hear about the first Japanese astronaut to go into orbit? The next day the headlines read - "There's a little nip in the air". /16 QUESTION: What do you get when you drop a handful of change on the ground? ANSWER: A chinese roll call (Ping, Ching, Ting...) /17 QUESTION: Why can't polloks eat dill pickles? ANSWER: They can't get their heads in the jars. /18 An American businessman goes to Japan to try to get a new client. The Japanese businessman doesn't speak any english so they communicate through an interpreter. As the meeting progresses, the japanese businessman becomes more and more impressed. Finally, he agrees to a $10 million contract and invites the american to play golf. The american is so happy, that night he finds female companionship and proves himself as impressive once again. The woman keeps shouting "Wahoo! Wahoo!" He thinks he must be the best there is. He can't seem to do anything wrong. The next day, the japanese businessman invites him to play golf again before he must return to the United States. The american is in top form. This is undoubtedly the best game of golf he has ever had. Then he hits a hole-in-one. The japanese businessman throws up his arms and yells "Wahoo! Wahoo!" The american smirks to himself and turns to the interpreter to find out what "wahoo" means so he can brag to his friends back home. The interpreter says, "Wahoo mean wrong hole!!" /19