...Star Trek:The Star Trek Parody... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This Weeks Episode: "The Original Crew Vs. The Next Generation Crew In A Phaser Shootout And A Battle!" ----- The Setting: It just so happens the two crews are on the planet where the Guardian Of Forever resides (at different time periods of course). Both crews enter the Guardian, and find themselves on a deserted and "unstable" planet. ----- Kirk...: Hmmm...Seems familiar...Spock, where are we? Spock..: It would seem that we are on a planet....a wide variety of climates in reasonably short walking distance.....oxygen/nitrogen atmosphere, sufficient for our needs. McCoy..: Well, that's a bit obvious - if it wasn't, we'd all be dead! Spock..: [ Totally ignoring McCoy ] Also, the readings show that the planet is unstable - it will destroy itself in a quarter of an hour. Captain, I detect a group of 7 coming in our general direction. All humanoid.....and one Klingon! Scotty.: Och. A Klingon trap. Cap'n, we gotta take cover! Kirk...: Ok. Everyone set phasers to stun. [ Meanwhile... ] Data...: Sir, tricorder readings detect a group of 7 humans and a Vulcan directly ahead of us. They appear to have detected us - they are taken defensive positions. Picard.: Conference everyone! What shall we do? Surrender? Riker..: No! Nah! Definately not! No way! Negative! Picard.: A simple no would have sufficed, Number One. Riker..: Just making sure Captain. Why are you here anyway? Aren't you supposed to be on the bridge where you'll be safe from danger? Picard.: Yes, but the writer of this parody decided that I needed to get out and into danger more often. I think he prefers the old days when captains always led the Away Team. Of course, they were called "Landing Parties" then. Riker..: I see. Picard.: Right, everyone, dustbusters...I mean phasers on suck...no, sorry - let's try that again. Phasers on stun. That's it. Yep. Defensive positions...erm...let's see now...Gamma-Alpha-Zebra-Beta-Delta 2.43. Riker..: Er....Captain? Picard.: Yes Number One? Riker..: What does that mean exactly? Picard.: Really Number One, don't they teach the cadets the special "Picard battle codes" anymore? Riker..: Well I never heard of that one before. Picard.: *I knew I should have taken that Academy job in season 1!* Basically Number One, it means hide behind a big tree. Worf...: *At last, a chance to die in glorious battle.* Picard.: Counselor, what do you sense? Troi...: I sense great paaaaaaaain...I mean I sense caution and tension from the humans. Right, that's my line for the parody - I'm off now - have fun! Troi to transporter chief, one to beam up. Riker..: Wait! Where are you going? Troi...: Well you know how it is Will, these days I only get a couple of lines per episode - maybe a few more sometimes, but that's all. In fact, I am violating my contract just by talking to you - must dash - BYE! [ She dematerialises. Now back to our much loved original crew. ] Kirk...: Bones...here, take this phaser. McCoy..: Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a gunfighter. Spock..: Acutally Doctor, that is rather debateable. McCoy..: Why you green-blooded, inhuman..... Sulu...: Captain, they are closing in. Chekov.: Ve must spread out more. Surround zhem. Kirk...: Sulu, Chekov, you take the three security men and move further north. Sulu...: Yes, sir. 1st Security Man: Do we have to go Captain? Kirk...: Yes you do! 2nd Security Man: But..... Kirk...: Look, it's in your contract! You are down for one parody, and then your contract will be termi...I mean it will be over, and you will get to go. 3rd Security Man: Well, I say we go anyway. I mean what will happen that's so bad? 1st Security Man: Look, my best buddy was down for one show, and he got eaten by a 7-foot slime monster! Kirk...: You'll be safe with Chekov and Sulu. Trust me..... 1st Security Man: Ok, but if I get phasered, or in this case "dustbusted", I'm going to speak to my lawyer! Kirk...: Sure, do what you like. Off you go then - good luck! *hee, hee, hee - I'll be able to do my "tragedy line".* [ 20 seconds later..... The sound of phaser fire is heard. Sulu and Chekov manage to run back monents later, minus three security (Well, it had to happen sometime!) ] Sulu...: It was a Klingon, sir. He killed all three men! Kirk...: All three? They're all dead - they were my responsibility. It's all my fault..... McCoy..: Jim! Get a hold of yourself. The lives of the rest of your crew what's important at the moment. Sulu...: They appear to have what looks like late 20th century dustbusters, but are actually very advanced phasers. Chekov.: Wussians invented dustbusters! Spock..: Captain, they are advancing on us. I suggest we assume defensive positions immediately. Kirk...: Everyone, hide behind a boulder and watch out! [ Moments later... ] Spock..: I see something...a Klingon! [ Quick scene change to the TNG crew ] Picard.: Worf, I said set phasers to stun, not kill! Worf...: *I am sorry sir, but it appears the phaser was jammed on kill.* Picard.: Well, just use the other phaser for the moment. Worf...: *Yes, sir.* LOOK! [ Worf sees the original crew hiding and fires a shot (still with the "jammed" phaser)! A beam shoots out, and hits the boulder where Kirk and Spock are hiding behind. A chunk of the boulder blows off and shrapnel goes everywhere - especially in McCoy's direction. ] McCoy..: Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a bullseye target! Spock..: Most interesting. The shot took precisely 1 second to reach us. It seems that their phasers may be more powerful, but they sacrifice this for speed. Kirk...: You mean we can dodge the phaser shots? Spock..: It is possible, though not advisable. You'll have to be pretty quick in order to do so. Taking all factors into consideration, I calculate that the average person has a 5.37863% probability of dodging a dustbuster-phaser blast, but seeing as it's us, it will be a 98.385% chance. Kirk...: Pretty good odds then? Chekov.: Wussians invented good odds! [ Another dustbuster shot leaps out and a second later blows another chunk of boulder away. ] Kirk...: Scotty, Sulu, Chekov, draw their fire. I am going to try something. Spock, set your phaser for wide-angle stun. You go round on the left - McCoy and I'll go to the right. Spock..: Ok.....Jim, be careful. McCoy..: WE will! [ Spock raises his right eyebrow for a moment before leaving. As Sulu, Scotty and Chekov start shooting, Kirk and McCoy creep off. A minute later... ] Data...: Sir, I detect 2 humans coming in to our left, and a Vulcan to our immediate right. Picard.: Wh..... [ Suddenly Spock pops up, and fires. Riker, Data, Picard and Geordi go down with just one shot! (Ah, the wonders of wide-angle stun). Only Worf is left. ] Worf...: *What is this!* Spock..: It is commonly known as a phaser which has 5 settings, one of them known as wide-angle stun. I have observed that your dustbuster, even though it has a wide variety of intensities, only fires a single beam and has 2 settings - stun and kill. Very inappropiate. [ Worf fires, but Spock dodges the shot. He knocks the phaser from Worf's hand. Worf growls, just as Kirk and McCoy both pop up... ] Kirk...: Leave him to me, Spock. Bones, see to the others. Worf...: *I know you!* Kirk! [ Worf suddenly goes into a wierd state-of-mind, and advances like a zombie towards Kirk. ] Worf...: [ Continuing ] There shall be no peace as long as Kirk lives! Kirk...: This sounds damn familar. [ A fight ensues, and Kirk seems to get very dirty, rips his jacket, does a mid-air somersault (he got a 9.3, 9.4, 9.8, 8.8 and a 9.5 from the judges for it), and has cuts and bruises in the first 2 seconds. Worf just gets angry. The planet starts breaking up, but the fight goes on. A raging fire starts and they fall off the side of a cliff onto a ledge. The ledge cracks and Worf slips off the end. He just manages to grab onto the end of the ledge. ] Kirk...: Here, grab my hand. [ Worf grabs Kirk's ankle and tries to pull him down. ] Kirk...: Oh no, not again! I have had....enough of...you! [ He boots Worf in the face. Worf slips and falllllllls down to his death in a crater of molten lava, funnily enough. Spock comes up to Kirk. ] Spock..: Do you need a hand, Captain? Kirk...: Thanks, Spock. Where's the rest of the landing party? Spock..: The Guardian Of Forever took them back to our proper time. The people we stunned have vanished also. Kirk...: Let's get out of here then before the planet blows up. Spock..: Quite logical, Captain. ----- THE END.