Subj: Enterprise Crew's Tales From Mos Eisley 
von : Asjfj  (asjfj@aol.com)
Orgz: America Online, Inc. (1-800-82
am  : Son 27-Aug-1995 19:37 

            The Enterprise Crew's Tales in Mos Eisley Cantina


The Enterprise's senior staff walks into the Mos Eisley cantina.  Picard, 
Data, Geordi, Troi, and Crusher all take a seat at a table at an
inconspicuous 
booth while Riker and Worf scout the area and try to get information by 
overhearing conversations.  

                            WORF'S TALE


Soon, Worf sees Chewbacca, who he purposefully bumps into as he walks by.

Worf:  You'd better step aside.  I'm a Klingon warrior!

Chewie:  [Cocks his head curiously and looks at the loud human with the 
         deformed head.]

Worf:  [Shoves Chewie, muttering a Klingon phrase.]  I said step aside.

Chewie:  Arrrr grrraarrrr arrrrr.  [Shaking his head.]

Worf:  You had better watch yourself unless you want trouble. 

Chewie:  [Becoming irritated]  Grrrrrrr.

Worf:  [Bears his teeth and pulls out a knife.]  So you challenge me?  
       Hopefully, you will die with honor.

Chewie:  [Grabs Worf's armed wrist and squeezes until Worf dropps the
knife,
         then grabs ahold of Worf's other wrist and jerks the two arms in 
         opposite directions, pulling them off of his body.  Goes back to
his
         buisness.]

Worf:  [Bleeding badly.]  Arrrrrggggggg!!!!!!  This is no way for a
warrior to 
       be seen!

Chewie:  [Realizing that the strange creature is still making noise, goes
back
         over to Worf and pulls his head off.]


                             RIKER'S TALE


Riker, meanwhile, after having been embarrased in a jazz contest with the 
cantina band, spots a not-so-bad-looking alien woman sitting at the bar
and 
"smoothly" walks over to her.

Riker:  So, come here often?

Woman:  Get away from me, you freak.

Riker:  Oh, come one.  I'm the smoothest womanizer...

Woman:  Where you come from, maybe.

Riker:  Ouch.

Woman:  Speaking of ouch...  [Points into the crowd to Greedo, who is
heading
        toward them.  After he reaches the bar, Greedo and the woman have
a 
        short conversation in an alien language that makes Riker's
universal 
        translator overheat.]

Riker:  [Knowing there is going to be trouble, turns away from the bar.]  
        I'll just go over here and...

Greedo:  [Grabs Riker by the arm.]  Going somewhere, pretty boy?

Riker:  [Innocently.]  What?  Me?

Greedo:  [Pulls the communicator off Riker's shirt and shoves it down his 
         throat, then walks away with his girlfriend.]  Maybe that will
teach
         you to mess with other people's women!

Riker:  Girgle, girgle.  [As he chokes on his communicator, saliva pours
out
        of his mouth.  Finally, he faints and falls to the floor with a
thud.]


                         DATA'S AND GEORDI'S TALE


Just moments later, a bartender walks over to the crew's table.

Bartender:  What's the deal, here?  Did you think you could sneak your
droid
            into my place by dressing him up as a human?

Picard:  I...

Bartender:  Get him out of here!  That's right, leave.

Data:  [Gets up from the table.]  I will comply with is request at once.

Picard:  Good idea.  We don't want trouble.

Geordi:  I'll go with Data.  This place gives me the creeps.

[The two walk out onto the sandy streets of Mos Eisley and are approached
by 
Jawas.]

Geordi:  Hello.

Jawas:  [In overwhelming numbers, knock Geordi to the ground and take his
        visor, squealing in delight at their new toy.]

Data:  [As he realizes what happened.]  Hey!  He is my friend.  [Goes to 
       pull the Jawas away from Geordi.]

Jawas:  [Shoot him with one of their little robot-capturing guns as seen
in 
        SW:ANH.]

Data:  [Stunned by the electrical bolts, begins shooting out sparks. 
Falls to
       the ground after a second.]

Jawas:  [Make all kinds of Jawa sounds as they fit their new prize with a 
        restraining bolt and load it into a sandcrawler parked just
outside of
        town.]

Eventually, Data was dismantled for spare parts.  Geordi, blind without
his
visor, wandered five miles into the Dune Sea before dying of dehydration
and
heat exhaustion.


                         DR. CRUSHER'S TALE


Getting tired of waiting for Riker and Worf to return, Crusher and Troi
wander
off.

Crusher:  [Sitting at the bar.]  I'll have one of those.

Bartender:  [Serves Crusher the drink she wanted.]  Here.  But don't try 
            bringing in any more droids.

Crusher:  [After finishing her very strong drink, is drunk.]  I -- I feel 
          funny for some reason.  Something must be wrong with that
syntholol.
          [Staggers out of the cantina and into a docking bay, just as a
ship
          is launching.  Gets blown into the wall by an ionization blast
from
          the engines.]


                           TROI'S TALE


Troi, meanwhile, spots Boba Fett sitting alone at a table.

Troi:  That's a manly suit of armor, there.  [Pulling up a chair and
sitting 
       next to him.]

Fett:  [Nodds cooly.]

Troi:  Say, I was about to go take a walk down to the spaceport, and I 
       wouldn't mind some company.

Fett:  [Indifferently and without as much as turning to face her, speaks 
       through his helmet in a rough voice.]  Then I suggest you find
some.

Troi:  Well, when I said I wouldn't mind company, I meant that I would
like it
       if you went with me.

Fett:  And when I said that I suggest you find some, I meant that I would
not
       like it if I went with you.

Troi:  [Stunned at the idea that maybe there are people whose attention 
       doesn't revolve around her.]  Well, umm...  The invitation's always
       open.

Fett:  [Without uttering a word, pulls his blaster rifle out from under
the 
       table and blows Troi's head all over the back wall, then resumes
his
       watch over the cantina's patrons.]


                            PICARD'S TALE


All the while, Captain Picard is just sitting at the booth, oblivious to 
what's going on.  Soon, he notices Obi-Wan and Luke Skywalker pointing at
him 
and laughing.  He isn't sure what they are saying, but he thinks he can
make 
out the words funny and clothes.  Soon, Obi-Wan gets up from his table and

approaches Picard.

Ben:  Hello.

Picard:  Hello.

Ben:  You know, on some worlds, a man could get killed for leaving his
home
      without putting on clothes.

Picard:  I am wearing clothes.

Ben:  Some would dispute that.

Picard:  Try disputing the power of my phaser.  [He pulls out his weapon
and
         fires at Ben.  The beam stops about six inches short of its
target.]

Ben:  [Using the force, pulls the phaser to his hand.]  Sit down.

Picard:  [Keeps rising from his chair.]

Ben:  You will sit down.

Picard:  [Going to his chair.]  I will sit down.  [After a second, asks] 
         Are you a Q?

Ben:  A Q?  No.  We Jedi drove their sorry kind out of our galaxy years
ago.
      Now bend over.

Picard:  What?

Ben:  I said bend over.

Picard:  [Powerless against the force, bends over.]

Ben:  Now kiss your ass.

Picard:  [Complies.  Everyone in the cantina starts watching and
laughing.]

Ben:  Now, as long as you're going to go around naked, you might as well
take
      off the rest of your clothes.

Picard:  [Starts undressing.  Cantina patrons begin moaning and turning
away.]

Ben:  On second thought, keep your pajamas on.  [Hands Picard his phaser 
      back and grins.]  Now fire at Will.

Picard:  [Points his phaser at Riker, who had just regained conciousness, 
         killing him.]  You're going to pay for this, old man.

Ben:  Really?

Picard:  Yes.  In orbit now, we have the baddest ship ever constructed,
the
         Enterprise, waiting to avenge us.

[Vader walks in, carrying the partially charred captain's seat from the 
Enterprise.  Throws it at the feet of Picard, who dies of an artificial
heart
attack.]

Ben:  Good work, Anakin.  There may still be some good in you.



                               THE END