Here are some jokes by Ivanhoe/PLS: A lawyer suspected his wife of cheating him, so one day at the office, he decided to call home to find out. The maid answered his call. "Are you the new maid my wife hired?" he asked. The maid responded in the affirmative. "Good. I want you to go and see what my wife is doing." The maid goes, comes back to the phone, and says that his wife is playing hide-the-salami in the bedroom with the chauffeur. "Damn. I knew it. Okay, listen carefully. I want you to take the gun from the top drawer of my desk, and shoot my wife and that scum-sucking chauffeur. I'm one of the best criminal lawyers in the country, and I'll be able to clear you of all charges, plus I'll pay you $25000." The maid says OK, goes off and in the distance, the lawyer hears two shots go off. The maid returns to the phone, saying the deed has been done. "Excellent. Now, go and dump the bodies in the swimming pool." "What swimming pool?" "Isn't that 685-4728?"  -*-*-*-*-*-  There's this flea, soaking up the rays on the beach in Florida. Along comes his friend, disshelved and all messed up looking. Says flea #1: "What the hell happened to you?!" Flea #2: "Got a ride down here in this biker's moustache. Must've been tearing down the highway at 90 miles per!!" Flea #1: "Well, don't worry. I'll tell you how to get down here for next time. It'll be the easiest ride you ever had." Next year. Some beach, some fleas: Flea #1:--laying on the beach, Flea #2 approaches with same appearance as had last time: "Hey dude! I thought you were going to travel the way I told you last year!" Flea #2: "I tried! I tried! I did just like you told me: Went into the women's restroom, jumped up on the toilet seat, waited for somebody to sit down, nestled into her pussy hair and was all set for the ride here. Next thing I know, there I am in a biker's moustache, tearing down the highway at 90 miles per!!!"  -*-*-*-*-*-  A couple had been married 50 years when they died together in an auto accident and they played golf together every day of their married life. When they got to heaven St.Peter was showing them around. Here is your condo on the cource, outside is a golf cart at your disposal with wet bar and cd player. In back are custom made clubs with a supply of balls and tees. If you lose them new ones will appear. You can play our courses day or night as much as you desire.... After the whole spiel the husband turns to the wife and says: "I could have been here 20 years ago if you hadn't been forcing those damned oat bran muffins on me".  -*-*-*-*-*-  The follower of a TV evangelist who claimed to speak regularly with god asked the minister if there was golf in heaven. The evangelist did not know but said next time they conversed he would inquire. A while later the evangelist came to his follower and said "I have good news and bad news. The good news is there is golf in heaven, the bad news is your tee time is next Wednesday."  -*-*-*-*-*- When body was first made - all parts wanted to be boss. The Brain said:  Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be Boss. The Feet said: Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I should be Boss. The Hands said: Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep yhe rest of you going. I should be Boss. The Eyes said: Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where the danger lurks, I should be Boss. And so it went with the Heart and Lungs. Finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded to be Boss. All of the other parts laughed at the idea of an Asshole being Boss. The Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were to weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at the sides, and the Heart and Lungs struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the Brain to let the Asshole be Boss and so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the Asshole just Bossed and passed out a lot of shit. THE MORAL: You don't have to be a Brain to be Boss, just an ASSHOLE! Continues on the next article...