G'day! Welcome the news section! Ha , you like news do you? Well , just check this out! We give you the world news better than CNN ever could!  MAJOR NEWS is of course school ending. Over for ever for some guys and girls. Please read the special school news , ok?  FUCK! the whole news file had just been deleted by some unfunny kid. It is now going to have to be rewritten. 250 motherfucking lines deleted. Ok. I can dig it. I can dig it. SSSSSSHHHHHHIIIITTTTT. I wanna kill a cop! Lets start with the  Eurovision Song Contest shall we? Hahahahahaha. What a load of shit , huh? And to represent England we had....Sonia!!! Oh my god. Sonia. Hahahaha. For you people in Europe who dont know who Sonia is , you are very lucky. She is the biggest joke the music industry has in England. The only people who like her are under 10. You know? Geez , get a life Sonia. And who the hell gives a shit about who can sing the best in Europe? Why bother. No-one remembers you. That Irish girl who won(I cant even remember her name) , she has become really well-knows , eh? NO. She will be remembered as well as the band that lost. The whole contest was crap. We were all watching it , saying "The next band HAS to be good." , but sadly the next band were as crap as the last one. I dunno what you Euro kids think of it , but we all think it is crap and a waste of time in England. However it could be made cool. If , for one , the people get to vote to see who will represent their country. The NME or Melody Maker could do the polling. And we could have someone like Ned's Atomic Dustbin representing England. Now that would be cool. Tickets could be available to us , and the whole event could be held in this massive warehouse , that gave you free drinks and drugs and......im dreaming. It wont happen. But it would be nice. Haha. No , Europe sucks. No. ENGLAND SUCKS!!!! I dunno why everyone in England is so proud to be English. I would much rather live in the USA! It aint the 60's or 70's anymore. Well , there could be a great England revial. But untill then , England sucks.....Naaa , I changed my mind. At least we have all the best indie bands , huh? At least we have the best tv in Europe. LONG LIVE ENGLAND!  I guess.  Ok , news of the last issue. The most popular article was my piece on the cool end of year party at Culford school. Hay , glad ya liked it! Sadly , the most unpopular was  Jacks's loser letter of the month  - im afarid to report that Jack has now actually left Crystalline. He said "I dont want to hang out with a load of guys who aint going anywhere!" , so he quit. Well , Crystalline does not seem to be going anywhere , huh? Well , thats right. We are just a few guys who mess about on the amiga for something to do. We wont ever become SAD COMPUTER LOSERS who spend 20 hours a day on the amiga. Geez , no way! We have a life. If you are reading this thinking "Well , I spend 20 hours on the amiga , and im cool" - then you must be such a fucking loser! GET A LIFE , you dumb motherfucker. Oh dear , im a bit nasty today , huh? Well anyway , just B4 Jack left he completed his music that he has worked all year on(or so he says) , anyway it is fucking hot! Jack are you sure this music is yours? It is so cool , man! Jack also did the music for all our demos , as well as our liney game - but this is just amazing. Jack , if you really did do this - come back to Crystalline!!!! If not , fuck off! James Hunt dieing. He was a cool guy. Maybe not the best moteracing driver of all time , but a cool guy. Respect is due. He was a cool guy for sure.  Wimbledon 1993 , what do you think? I had a bet on Micheal Chang , who lost. Nevermind. He was 150-1. Just imagine if he had won! What about  PAUL MCENRO? just like his brother , "You are so fucking wrong? What is your fucking problem" Yeah , thats what we like. Put the umpire in his place , Paul. I tell you , getting a job is tough. I have been all aroung Thetford and Brandon trying to get a godamn job. It's the same story everywhere. What is this crap Major is telling us about how great the economy is going? Bullshit. Major is a lieing tory pratt , who should not be in power. Everywhere I went I was told "Im really sorry , but buissness is so bad at the moment , we have got too many people as it is , so we certainlly cant afford any more. Come back in a month or two. Buissness may be better then." Greeeeeat. I think it's time to fight the powers that be. Well , all I got in the end was this crap weekend job working at this restaurant. 1.50 an hour(plus tips) Hoo-fucking-ray It's has been the best summer ever so far!! Shit , there have been enough parties this summer , but there are more to go! The two main ones are  "Claire's party II" and  "Andrew's party"  - last year , Claire's party was the best party of '92 , so will it be better this year? AND will it be as good as the supurb "Hollies end of year party?" Well , it's all parties. Katy Mitchem is seriouslly ill in hospital. No shit , this is true. That sad bitch is going to die. Hahahah. Ooops. That was not very nice. Naaa , she wont die. No , she is in because of the GCSE exams. She thinks she has done real shit in them. We may all hate you Katy , and make jokes about you - but we dont want you to die! What is your problem? Worried about exams. What the fuck does it matter if you get 0 or 1000? Who cares about exams anyway? You just have to do the best you can , then say "Fuck it" if you get 0 , and chill. Well exams are not the most important thing in your life at all. No way , kiddo. All that matters is  having a cool time[31 , you dont want to be a sad tosser anyway , do you? Fuck exams , go out on the town , see your boy/girlfriend , see your friends , have a fight , take drugs , but dont worry about bloody exams. Geez , exams dont matter. Like someone told me "Well , if I get GCSE's then thats cool , but if I dont then thats cool too!" I agree 100% Much more important things have happend in my life than GCSE exams. Remember James Dean's faveroute motto  "LIVE FAST , DIE YOUNG!" I agree. Live fast and motherfucking die young. Well , James Dean did. Actually , I dont want to die young , so I'll have to disagree. "Live fast , die old" would be better! If you are major upset about your exams , firstly , take a pill or something! No , just dont worry. What are exams but shite anyway? Maybe I have been watching too much of Dennis Leary. But , even if you pass 0 , you can allways retake them all(which is what i'll probablly be doing!) And if you still fail , you can take them all again. Maybe if you had failed them all 5 times , it is start to be worrying. But untill then , dont sweat it. Ok , now to talk about the latest cool place to hang out. Sadly this place is in BURY ST. EDMUNDS , Suffolk , England(so if you dont live in England - Sorry) this place is called "loony groves" , ok. Shit name. "Sounds shit. I wont go." , yeah - thats what I said too , unitll I was dragged along to this cool place. "It is where all the babes hang out. It's where everyone goes." I was told. Could this be a revial of thouse cool 50's coffee shops just for people between 14-25? It was! Hooray. I have wanted to go to one of these all my life. It was cool. The music was loud , the people were cool(aged between 15-25!) , and there were posters on the wall advertising illigal raves! Cool. But the best thing of all , was that not only did they sell the best food and drinks , but also sold  smart drinks hooray! Smart drinks. I thought you could only buy these at gigs! If you dont know what smart drinks are , you must be a real fucking loser , no dont press escape! Please! Thanks , sorry. Smart drinks are cool drinks , which are very popular with the kids who go to raves/gigs/ music festivals , etc. They are basically just drinks with about 10 vitamins and other shit in , and are called "Memory booster" and "Energy giver" and stuff like that. Do they work? Dunno , but they sure do blast your brain when you drink some. Shit , like legal drugs then? Guess so. Anyway , im telling this is the place to be! It's down Abygate street. Ok , come out of the Cornhill shopping centre , turn right. Keep walking , all the way. Loony groves is down there , opposite the moterbike shop. If you see Balams music then you are nearly there. It's easy to miss though , so be carefull. Im now going there every Saturday afternoon , and maybe Friday nights too. I hope to see you there. It sure is a cool place. And , if you have not had any smart drinks , then come just to try them. I'll see you there! Rightyho. Your phone has just rang , it was that girl you really like. She says she wants to talk to you! She says "How about we catch a movie before going on to eat?" You are shocked! This must be a dream. "Sure!" you say. "So what film shall we see?" she asks you. What film. Hmmm , your whole future with this girl depends on what film you take her to see! Luckly , you can think back to our cinema recomendations , and suggest WEEKEND AT BERNIES 2!! Ha , where would you be without us , eh? Ok , this months film reccomendations are  Jurrasic Park , Weekend at Bernies 231m(and you thought all the cool dead jokes had been done!) , Son-in-law , Sleepless in Seatle , Hot shots 2 , Menace II Society and Dave.  And what we think is crap - Jurrasic Park(huh?) , Dennis the menace(no shit!) Last action hero , Cliffhanger and 33m Made in America.  The only problem we have with J.Park is "not enuff of 'em die!" , but as MKW says "the animation is amazing!". The 2 best films of the summer are Weekend at Bernies 2 and Son-In-Law. I saw both of these in the USA , and are the funniest films of the year. Bernies 2 is supurb , although not as funny as the original , which was perhaps the funniest film ever! Still a cool film. Son-In-Law is another excellent comedy , starring that weird guy from MTV - Pauly Shore , who was also in Califonia man. Dont let that put you off. Son-in-law is a cool film. Sleepless in Seatle , I have not yet seen , but im told it is "Tom Hank's best film yet! Supurb!" , and of Hot Shots 2 "even better than the first one!" Menace II Society , I have not seen also , but it is a black L.A/gangsters/ drug pushers/shooting film with every sentence having "Fuck" in it. You know , like Boyz in the hood , Hangin' with the homeboys , Juice and all that. But , this is suppose to be the best of them all. So , check that out. How can Jurrasic Park be both cool and lame? Well , this is only what we think , and as Road said Jurrasic Park was "the crappest film ever" we had to put it in the shit film section too. The 2 so-called "blockbusters" Last hero hero + cliffhanger im told are "Real shit. Whatever you do , dont see them" so I wont. Surprisinglly both did really shit in the USA , they were expected to be in the top 5 all summer. But Last Action hero only got 40m , which is very poor. It often seems that the less-well known films are better films(the only exception is Terminator 2) over the summer. Robin Hood was crap , Batman was crap , Batman 2 was average. But something like son-in-law is one of the best films of the year so far. Hands up everyone who thinks John Major is a good pm. No , Norma - you dont count. Thats.. Thats no-one. Why? Because Major is a fucking crap motherfucking loser who cant rule the counrty. It is about time who resigned. He is so unpopular it is amazing. Im sure even Robert Elliot could do better! He is a selfish git who only cares about himself. Not the people. Well , Major , if you push us too far you will end up in a coma! Seriously , he has to go. Did you know only 1 in 2 Tory MP's think he will survive till the next election. He is such a loser it is amazing. Maybe I've been listening to too much Hiphoprisy , but Major is a loser. A real loser. We dont want him to represent us! Imagine when he goes to other countries , what they think of us? They must think us all wankers or something. I have been watching "Westminster Live" a lot over the past few days , and it is so cool. John Smith is a real cool speaker , I dont care what you think of Labour , you have to say Smith is a great speaker , who is full of jokes about Major. It is so cool. I cant wait for something to happen to Major , like a failled suicide attempt - for Major would not even to be able to pull that off! Mick Jaggar is 50 , eh? Well , if Elvis was still alive he would be , errrr , about 55 I think. Something like that anyway. Elvis was the King of Rock and Roll , never forget it! Oh dear. Waynes World II is finally partying on. Should be out '94. After that we have to wait for the new Star Wars films , based on the 3 new books just out by Timothy Zain. The first film is out 1997/8 , hay not long to go! Better start saving money for all the star wars figures to be re-issued! What is it with Streisand and Agassi? Answers to me. Watching the Cricket just makes me laugh now. England are so crap. 197 all out or something compared to Austrillas 697 or something for 5 or something. Or something? Well , I blame the Teenage mutant ninja turtles myself(back to the planet). Why dont we give up on cricket , and play baseball instead? What is going on with Clinton? Does he not realize that the USA needs aid! Before you can start helping other countries YOU must help your own counrty! Well , he just seems to throw money away - like bombing Iraq - that was a complete waste of cash. Geez , whats going on Bill? But we still have faith in you - for the moment. Well thats all the news at the moment. Sorry no video reccomendations this month , but....well all the videos are crap apart from Malcom X and The Public Eye. Well , untill next month keep your feet on the groud and keep reaching for the stars(or so says Casey Kasem!) Put together by Stephen Maughan , with help from Mummy for tieing my shoelaces ! Noooooo! Im 16 and I cant do my shoelaces! Eeeek. No , I can really. Anyway, thanks for all the info(films , Katy ill , Eurovision , Loony groves , Agassi , etc , etc.) - any news? Call me.