(Editorial of the best-selling WOMAN'S PRIVILEGE 
magazine, edited by Mrs Glopnog, a radical feminist with 
extreme views on all aspects of our society; politics, modern 
religious theology, alternative medicine, the plight of the 
homeless, the starving people of Africa, pestilence, sexual 
behaviour, and, of course, her annual readership figures.)


DEAR READERS

HELLO!!!  Um, well, er, and yes.  Welcome to WOMAN'S 
PRIVILEGE, the magazine for the woman of today.  The 
woman of the nineties, you might say.  Yes, a woman who 
knows what she wants, the woman with "joie de vivre" and 
who's fluent in French and Serbocroat apparently.  In 
addition, furthermore, moreover, supplementary to, er, er, 
er, as a footnote, if you like, a woman with a strength of 
purpose, independence and coleslaw, this woman of you, that 
woman who knows how to make custard, these women...  Oh, 
er, hahaha!

BREASTS!!!  Dissatisfied with their shape?  Too small?  
Alarmingly over-formed?  Or perhaps just slightly flaccid at 
this time of year?  Well, actually I've always been fortunate 
in the mammary department, as my uncle Wilf keeps telling 
me.  In his nineties, bless him.  Er...oh yes, well Marjorie 
Savoury-Cake-Decoration, our resident New Age American 
beautician, physician, dietician and flamenco dancer, will be 
probing this very difficult cleavage, er, area in our health and 
beauty special on page 19.  Or as I believe she put it, she'll be 
'helping you to unlock your inner self and tap the vast 
reserves of psychic energy held within'.  It's a new product 
from the States, 'TURBOBOOB 2000', easy to install in a 
matter of minutes using household utensils that can be 
found in any kitchen.  The latest version has a graphical 
equaliser, LED display and 250 horse-power outboard motor 
fitted.  You do have to fit your own plug, though, so that 
could put some people off.  Best read the review.

Got a problem with facial warts?  I know I don't.  But if you 
can't get rid of the blighters, Bunny Lavender, our 
beautician, might be able to help you, starting on page 33.  
And of course, you can catch up on our romantic novel set in 
a 24-hour petrol station outside Slough.  'Big is Beautiful' 
starts on page 87.  Jeremy Beadle: misunderstood genius or 
the excreta of a Venezuelan mountain goat?  Well, I won't 
compromise my professional standpoint by letting you know 
what I think, but you can decide for yourself in our exclusive 
interview with the patronising git on page 573.  In our 
regular home and garden series, we're cutting through the 
red tape and getting the low-down on flower arranging.  Now 
some of you will say, 'Flower arranging, must be boring'.  
Well, actually, I can tell you that it most definitely IS, after 
having to proof-read Florence Handmaiden's feature on page 
7,109.  Depression, suicide?  Well, you're reading this 
magazine, aren't you?  Anyway, Madge Midgely starts her 
problem page this week.  Find out how to end it all with videos 
of The Les Dennis Laughter Show on page 1,345,921.  And 
finally, S E X !!!  Yes, lots of photographs of a highly dubious 
nature will be filling these hallowed pages as of this issue to 
try to entice more perv-, er readers.  Erotic, uncensored, 
highly explicit diagrams, lots of root vegetables slotted in 
various places, full-frontal nudity, whatever.  And we have a 
centre-fold exclusive of Ian McShane doing something with a 
prize-winning marrow or so I'm told.  Delightful!

Mrs Glopnog (Editor)