4Message in a 4Bottle When you are alone on an island there is not much you can do. Especially if the island is the back of a sleeping whale. I had the impression that my favourite, stable and only island wasn't of the idea of doing the island for much time. It wasn't a good island after all, I had seen something better in my life, I mean, the ideal island of a shipwrecked person has a palm and a bottle to send the message in. I just had this sleeping whale, a bottle and a pen. There just remained the paper and then salvation could be reality. When I remembered that I was a paper-for-photocopies-machines salesman I decided that it was my lucky day. A new life of hopes and happiness seemed to open in front of me. I said "Here you are, paper for every use!", my favourite slogan for my firm, and I showed with a fast and experienced move a whole pack of 500 sheets out from my boxers. It just remained to write my message, to sing the Police's song and to wait. Something had to happen. I started to write... "Hi there! I happen to be on the back of a sleeping whale now... what about rescuing me before it wakes up?". Nope, too friendly, I gotta be more formal, after all this is a SOS... "Egregious Mr.Who-reads-this-letter, I would like to inform you that due to an unlucky circumstance I happen to lay alone on the back of a sleeping whale. I would like very much to receive signs of your attention in order to solve the uncommon situation. Yours sincerely". Well, maybe it's too much, somebody could consider it a insurance contract... "Ehi asshole! What are ya doin there??? Don't you see that I'm in a fucking bastard situation? Move up your ass and come here!" Ugh, convincing, maybe, but a bit aggressive, let's try with the oldest weapon who convinces every human being... "I am a sexy horny girl alone on a back of a lovely whale sleeping in an erotic sea. I just wait for you to come, my lovely macho-man..." This could be a good one, but if a woman gets it? I should try something else... "We all know your situation. You are a serious and emancipated woman who is sure of her position in the society. Still you need and dream a powerful and beastly man who can possess you. I am here, I am hard, I am alone and I am quite in an hurry. Come on woman! I will dominate you just as you like!" And if she is a feminist? Maybe it's better to find our target among the young people... "Hi nice boy! Wanna a sweet, soft, coloured sugar-drop? If you come here I will buy you all the chocolate you want. Don't forget, sweet is what your teeth need." Well, it could work, but after all I am in the middle of the ocean, maybe I should invent something for the natives who live in these places... "me greet you. me need help. me very hurry. me have coloured little balls!" Well, I could also try something for martians... there are UFO everywhere nowadays, maybe this message is good for them.... "jgiuy iuyh iji :-) lknkjh dsflkjh perkele lh s :-!!! lkdhfsa eli jj iuy a :-? kiitos ;-)" I somehow have the impression that it would hardly work, maybe I should be the language of the future... "10 Print at(rnd(74),rnd(29));"S.O.S." 20 Goto 10" Uhm, too lame, I gotta talk directly with the machine... " move.w #$4000,$dff09a lea $80000,a7 jmp bsr load $eeeabbb8 bsr: bsr bsr" Errr, perhaps I should make something with machines with less than 4 giga of RAM... " move.w #$4000,$dff09a lea $80000,a0 bra: move.l #$eeeabbb8,(a0)+ bra bra" Well, better to change method, better to find hope in the good old faith... "Saint God, please help this humble slave, move your glorious Eyes towards this poor piece of dust. May your Glory shine in all the skies, may your Word reach every soul and, first of all, may your powerful Hands grab me away from this unstable creature of yours. Amen" Damn! I don't think that if a God exists he has time to help a poor man sending SOS from the back of a whale... let's try with some good marketing... "Incredible! Fantastic! Exclusive! Wanna much quality at low prices? Wanna the best of the least? Come here and see personally our offers! You will never believe them!!!" Or maybe this one is better... "Join the crew of the "Blueship" disco! Meet new people! Enjoy the incredible music! Lose your mind in the colors and the special effects! Come here, come soon, the ship in blue won't wait for you!" Gosh, I think that I could have more hopes if I call directly some good brave vikings, let's try with this... "Heisan! What about some free beer? I have it, do you have something where to put it?" And if they are italians? Aargh, I have to write... "Come here! Pizza, spaghetti and pussy for everybody! Sex and hard fuck, blond girls just for you!" What a shame, better to drown in the sea than to see an italian around... he could steal me even the clothes, I must try with something else, something easier to understand, something which can be understood by everybody, something that can give an idea of the bad conditions where I am.... YES! Here it is! Take this one, it must work! 4"S.O.S.!" 3Macno/Abnormalia1