TITLE:BLAZEMONGER 2/3 by DAN BARRETT PALETTE:0223 099b 09a9 0b99 BRUSH:04 3Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barret. 3All Rights reserved. 3Reprinted by permission. 3This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its 3entirety. It may not be included in any pubblication without the written 3permission of the author. 2CBM no more? 3Written by Daniel J. Barrett - barrett@cs.umass.edu Summary: Commodore's annual retort Keywords: prang, gleep OK, everybody, you can stop arguing about Commodore's annual report. It's all pointless now. I just got this off CompuBixLink. FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE COMMODORE INTERNATIONAL BOUGHT OUT BY "MYSTERY" COMPANY HOSTILE TAKEOVER LEAVES 18 DEAD, 2 MISSING WEST CHESTER, Pa. -- November 3, 1991 -- Personal computer manufacturer Commodore International, makers of the popular "Amiga" computer, was the target of a hostile computer takeover yesterday. Several prominent analysts have called the takeover the "fastest and most violent ever witnessed" in the history of American business. At approximately 4:15am Eastern Standard Time, the attacker struck. The exact method of attack is still not known, but witnesses report that the entire operation was accompanied by "really, really mind-blowing graphics, animation and sound." Police on the scene immediately ruled out Apple and IBM as suspects. "It was terrifying," said one ex-CBM employee who requested anonymity. "I don't think I've ever been in a more frightening situation. Everything happened so fast. One minute, I was sitting at my terminal, hacking OS 2.06, and the next... I was flat on my back in the middle of the front lawn, surrounded by flames. I could swear I heard demonic laughter, explosions, and the grinding of heavy machinery. Only one thing's for sure: whatever it was, it happened fast. I mean, really fast. And violent." Irving Gould, former CEO of Commodore, was unavailable for comment. All of Mr. Gould's 6,595,338 shares of Commodore stock were found shredded in the basement of CBM headquarters. Poor Poopsie. The identity of the marauding corporation is still unknown, but FBI agents are beginning to pick up the trail. "We did find one small clue," said FBI Inspector Reginald P. Blarno, "when we examined the tragic scene from several hundred feet up in the air. It looks like somebody took a gigantic can of spray-paint and wrote the words 'BLAZEMONGER WINS AGAIN' on the roof of the building. We don't who this 'BLAZEMONGER' person is yet, but we have a few leads." ------------ Wow! I wonder who did it? I guess all we can do now is wait and see if the "mystery corporation" will come forward. [Heh heh.] 2Re: CBM Advertising 3Written by Daniel J. Barrett - barrett@cs.umass.edu In article mykes@amiga0.SF-Bay.ORG (Mike Schwartz) writes: >Seems to me that CBM should get Dan Barrett to do their next Amiga >adbvertising campaing. DON'T YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO YELL AT THE CONSUMER TO >GET HIS ATTENTION? "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU USING A DOS/DOG MACHINE WHEN YOU >COULD BE USING THE BEST?" Dammit, Mike -- there you go, violating your non-disclosure agreement. Oh well, now that the topic is out in the open, I might as well talk about it. Yes, it's true: Commodore has hired BLAZEMONGER, INC. to do its next generation of television commercials! Thanks to the astounding, universal success of our BLAZEMONGER and PHRASEMONGER products, we were approached by Commodore at last year's DEVCON and the deal was made. Here is a SPECIAL PREVIEW of the first upcoming Amiga commercial by the MARKETING GENIUSES at BLAZEMONGER, INC. Our predictions show that at LEAST 90,000 sales will result directly from each broadcast of this commercial... GUARANTEED! It begins with soothing music and a scene of ocean waves lapping gently at the shore of a tropical island beach. A voice says: "Just imagine... ... a computer so amazing, so powerful, that the most difficult tasks execute with blinding speed. [A flash of lightning strikes a palm tree and causes a bright explosion. The beach-goers flee in terror.] ... a computer so fast, simple to use, that it takes you higher than the height of the highest heights. [Cut to a view of the earth from the US Space Shuttle. Australia is cleverly labeled "AMIGA" for a touch of subliminal advertising.] ... a machine so advanced that it can operate an electron microscope, yet so friendly that it licks your face. [Cut to an X-ray diagram of a large dog.] ... a computer than can do ANYTHING! [Cut to HAM picture of a size 41 girdle covered with maple syrup.] WELL?!? WHY DON'T YOU *OWN* ONE, STUPID????? Are you just IGNORANT NATURALLY, or did you have PAINFUL SURGERY to attain TOTAL BRAINLESSNESS???? [Cut to the flag of whatever nation is watching the commercial, waving in the simulated wind.] The Amiga is the ULTIMATE, ULTIMATE computer -- EVERYBODY knows that. So get WITH it, DOOOD!!! Any OTHER computer isn't worth the GRIMY DIRT on its RETURN KEY! BLEAH!!! [Cut to silicon-chip cleanroom.] First, we've got HARDWARE. Oy, do we got hardware. The HARDEST in the INDUSTRY!! Our chips are made of a secret TITANIUM STEEL/DIAMOND ALLOY, covered with MOLTEN LEAD and garnished with a sprig of PARSLEY! [Cut to Julia Child, nodding approval.] [Cut to shelves and shelves of software.] Then, we've got SOFTWARE. You NAME it, we GOT it. Graphics, programming tools, games, word processors, games, and other stuff!! [Cut to successful-looking business office, full of good-looking businesspeople. Way in the back of the picture is Irving Gould, stacking money into neat piles.] Business applications? OF COURSE!! MILLIONS of business applications!! BILLIONS of them!!!!! Oh yes! For instance, for instance, er, um, uh... uh..., yeah, LOTS of business applications!!! TONS of them!!! [Cut to scientists in lab coats with "Amiga" decals. One of them looks not entirely unlike Dave Haynie (or Peter Cherna... whoever is cheaper).] Finally, there's the OPERATING SYSTEM: the most ADVANCED operating system on the PLANET. Multitasking? You GOT it! Run ANY NUMBER of applications SIMULTANEOUSLY to your HEART'S DESIRE!! [A low, ominous rumble begins...] And of course, ONLY the Amiga runs the most DEVASTATING game ever produced: BLAZEMONGER '92!!! [Cut to actual footage of the Nagasaki atomic bomb, followed by a short but bloody animation of dying children being eaten alive by Nancy Reagan.] So do the SMART thing today... and buy AMIGA! Made by COMMODORE, who is not a games-machine factory. AMIGA: Making the Imagination of Tomorrow Make Today's Imagination Possible... Today!" So there you have it -- our commercial! It will air for the first time tomorrow night on ZBS. Watch for it! 2Press release: BLAZEMONGER backs out! 3Written by Daniel J. Barrett - barrett@cs.umass.edu Keywords: souffle, partisan, boinker, pilgrim, ethereal prunes FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED TO CEASE SELLING POPULAR GAME WEST CHESTER, Pa. -- February 10, 1992 -- BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED, authors of the popular "ViolentWare" software series, announced yesterday that they were taking their top-selling product, BLAZEMONGER, off the market. "We have just ended some successful negotiations with Commodore," said Dan Barrett, official B.Inc. spokescreature, "and afterwards decided to pull BLAZEMONGER from production. I cannot give any more details without violating a non-disclosure agreement, but I will say that we are very happy." The latest meeting between BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED and Commodore Business Machines capped off months of speculation about a possible collaborative effort between the two computer giants. Commodore, maker of the popular Amiga microcomputer, has been in need of improved graphics technology. BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED is best known for the stunning graphics and sound in its products. Could there be a connection? "I seriously doubt it," said top market analyst Mirk Birritt. "I predicted over five hundred years ago that Blazemonger [sic] and Commodore would try to team up, but it's hopeless. Commodore will never be anything more than a little speck of slime on the bottom of my business school diploma." On the other hand, some advocates have other views. "I think this is a wise move," said one source named Dave who asked not to be identified. "After all, when the copper hits the VBL, hundreds of MMU cycles can be gated without adding bus contention to the whiffle." Key spokespeople from Apple, IBM, and NeXT were quick to deny the charges. Regardless, rumors are still flying. Once source claimed that Commodore is licensing the as-yet-unheard-of BLAZEMONGER Advanced Chip Set. Another source reported that B.Inc. plans to market a "standalone" BLAZEMONGER box with an Amiga inside. A third source claimed to know that the two companies are collaborating on a new computer called the BlaZinga. "It will have forty-thousand bits per pixel," he said, "and an infrared mouse with eighty buttons." Perhaps the mostly likely case is that Commodore is working on its own entry in the "ViolentWare" series. "It will be called GOULDMONGER," said one insider, who refused to give any further details, except to promise that it will be "everything that the Amiga advocates would expect in a game of this name." Further research indicates that the game is supposedly being written by disgruntled employees at Commodore. Even with the promise of new technology on the horizon, some BLAZEMONGER owners are outraged. "I can't BELIEVE they are abandoning us!" said an angry Baird Macintoosh. "I mean, they are even closing down their '900-number' hint line! Don't they realize that some of us need those hints on a daily basis?? This is terrible... I'm going to have to switch to a different game now, like 'Eye of the Potholder'." What will happen next? Only time will tell. But sources say to watch USENET carefully for future product announcements. 2No more arguments -- the ULTIMATE has arrived 3Written by Daniel J. Barrett - barrett@cs.umass.edu Summary: But does it run BLAZEMONGER? Of course!! Keywords: cheese-filled polygons cavorting with bilabial xenophobes >Re: Mac vs. Amiga (was Re: Amiga vs. Mac (was Re: Amiga vs. NeXT (was Re: NeXT vs '486 (was Re: '386 vs. Princess Petunia)))))))))))))))) All of you comp.sys.amiga.AIRHEAD readers don't know what you are TALKING ABOUT. It is TOTALLY OBVIOUS to me that NONE of you has *EVER* USED A COMPUTER. You can just BAG those '486 slowpokes. TOSS OUT those boring Macinsloths. And feed your WIMPY NEXTS to RABID ARMADILLOS!! If you want to experience the ULTIMATE in personal computer GRAPHICS, personal computer SPEED, and personal computer HYGIENE, then there is ONLY ONE CHOICE. Count it: ONE (1). Can you count that high? I knew you could. [Yes, you knew it was coming, didn't you...] Announcing... B L A Z E - P C THE MOST SPLENDIFERAMAZINGTASTIC PERSONAL COMPUTER EVER CREATED!!!!!! (From BLAZEMONGER, INC: makers of fine games for psychopathic individuals.) Anyway, you ask, "How fast is Blaze-PC?" That's a very reasonable thing to ask, so we'll tell you. [Long-time BLAZEMONGER fans can skip the next paragraph.] FIRST OF ALL, buddy, it's BLAZE-PC IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS!!! If you don't SCREAM when you WRITE IT, your COMPUTATIONS BITE IT!! (TM) So, is it FAST?? HAH!!!! Words haven't been INVENTED YET to describe the BLAZING, RAW PROCESSING POWER of BLAZE-PC. To combat this problem, we are now contacting WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY to add a new word that DOES describe it!! This word will be the FASTEST word EVER CREATED!! It's so fast that every time you try to look it up, it JUMPS to another page!! This word is IMPOSSIBLE to read! So you'll just have to take our word for it. How about graphics and audio? GET REAL!!! Other WIMPY PC's have 24-bit graphics and stereo 16-bit sound. NOT BLAZE-PC!!! BLAZE-PC has 24-MEGABIT graphics (yes, 24,000,000 bits per pixel) and 16-CHANNEL sound arranged as 4 independent QUADRAPHONIC systems -- one system at ear level, one above you, one below you, and one in the FOURTH DIMENSION!! In addition, BLAZE-PC supports VGA, EGA, XVGA, IGA grocery stores, and even new *UGA* ("Universal Graphics Acronym") for the ULTIMATE in COMPATIBILITY! And yes, it emulates the Amiga CUSTOM CHIPS, plus all available 3rd party, 4TH PARTY, and 117TH PARTY graphics boards at SIXTEEN MILLION HILLION JILLION TIMES THE SPEED!!! It even emulates the HEADLIGHTS on your ancient '73 FORD MUSTANG!!! Yes, ANYTHING involving LIGHT or COLOR pales in comparison to the AWESOME, SPINE-TINGLING GRAPHICS of BLAZE-PC. But what about software? BLAZE-PC has the BEST software in the KNOWN UNIVERSE. In fact, EVERY major and minor software manufacturer has agreed to port their applications to BLAZE-PC, so there's total freedom of choice and no compatibility issues! How did we do it? Simple -- we sent our "Customer Service Representatives" around to all the companies to... uh... "convince" them to port their programs. Our Reps are EXPERTS. No company has EVER turned them down and remained in business. The last company that refused to port its software had a mysterious EXPLOSION occur at its disk-copying facility. A few days later, several employees got their TONGUES caught in the disk drives. Within a week, the company was gone. Of course, we don't know WHY this all happened. But it is never a good idea to piss off our Customer Service Department. And if you can't afford to buy commercial software, check out BLAZE-PD, the ULTIMATE freely-distributable application!! It is a combination paint program, structured graphics program, word processor, spreadsheet, database, MIDI sequencer, sound sampler, and ARCADE GAME (guess which one) all in one integrated package, communicating through a new interprocess-communication language called A-WRECKS. A-WRECKS has the AMAZING feature of being able to talk to ALL YOUR PROGRAMS at once!! How does A-WRECKS do it? Simple -- by YELLING AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE!!! Any rude application that refuses to listen is automatically BLOWN INTO A MILLIONS PIECES by A-WRECKS's special "Cleanup" command. "So," you ask, "how much does Blaze-PC cos... no, wait! Put that sledgehammer down!! I mean, how much does *BLAZE-PC* cost?" Now THAT is a fine and well-stated question (luckily for you). The answer is: CHEAP!! Yes, you can buy a BLAZE-PC for less money that you'd expect to pay for a BALL POINT PEN!! They're SO INEXPENSIVE that if we paid you to buy one, you'd be a MILLIONAIRE in TEN SECONDS!! NOBODY beats our prices. Of course, that price doesn't include some of the available OPTIONS, such as a CPU and memory. Those are "extra." (Heh heh.) But don't worry... if you need them but can't afford them, just call our "Customer Service" Department. So... aren't you glad that all of these c.s.a.advocacy arguments are now POINTLESS? There is NO other computer worth owning except the BLAZE-PC. It does EVERYTHING. Take one home, flip the switch, and INSTANTLY all of your home financial calculations are complete!! You don't even have to PLUG IT IN!! And when you read your final bank balance, notice that it is ZERO, and discover that all of your money has been mysteriously channeled to a Swiss bank account owned by an anonymous software company, you will KNOW the INCREDIBLE POWER of BLAZE-PC. In fact, this POWER is echoed in our new slogan: BLAZE-PC: Buy it or die. (Are you listening, Commodore Marketing? No, I suppose not... you're probably out buying blindfolds.) 2Re: Blazemonger junks 3Written by Daniel J. Barrett - barrett@cs.umass.edu In article <1992Mar06.061813.111152@zeus.calpoly.edu> clin@zeus.calpoly.edu (Chihtsung Jeffrey Lin) writes: >Whoever started this Blazemonger and Blazemonger INC. things >better stop it. First of all, buddy, it's [all together now!] BLAZEMONGER in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS!! "If you don't YELL when you SAY IT, you SUCK when you PLAY IT!!" (TM) >Stop wasting our tax money by sending these nonsenses all >over the world. What's the point of writing about something that doesn't >exit. Please think twice before posting another one of these vaporwares. > Jeff :-) Oh, so you think a "smiley face" will get you off the hook, eh? FORGET IT!! Let's see what my beta copy of PHASEMONGER III has to say: [Click on "Really Not Nice" gadget] "Wasting tax money??? HAH!! If you were any more HIPPOCRITICAL then you'd be in a HOSPITAL for LARGE ZOO ANIMALS!! Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants, what do you think YOU are doing when you post your response -- spending tax money WISELY???? In fact, what do I think *I* am doing when I post MY response?? Um, er, uh... Hmmm.... [PHRASEMONGER screen goes blank...] [time passes...] [Amiga explodes.] Sigh. Well, it seems that PHRASEMONGER III still has some bugs. Anyway, the point it should have made is that posting lots of BLAZEMONGER announcements actually SAVES tax money!! Yes!! Just ask anyone!! And if you want to know HOW to save money yourself, pick up a copy of our new book, "Tax Backdoors: How To 'Convince' the I.R.S. of ANYTHING." It is written, of course, by our "Customer Service" Department. Re: No more arguments -- the ULTIMATE has arrived 3Written by Daniel J. Barrett - barrett@cs.umass.edu Summary: Really! Keywords: bobcat sneeze pinko archaeopteryx >Daniel Barrett writes a really interesting article about BLAZE-PC: >>24-MEGABIT graphics (yes, 24,000,000 bits per pixel)... In article adastra!mbs@Virginia.Edu writes: >1024 * 1024 * 24 == 24 MEGABITS != 24,000,000 BITS >Need to put MATHMONGER on your BLAZE-PC. WRONG-O, DWEEB-FACE!! This shows how LITTLE you know about BLAZE-PC. Maybe it's true on all those other, WIMPY PSEUDO-COMPUTERS that you TAKE TO BED every night, but NOT for the One True Computer, BLAZE-PC. You see, BLAZE-PC uses *exactly* 1,000 bytes per kilobyte. This is the way that computers were MEANT to be built. If GOD had intended computers to have 1,024 bytes per kilobyte, HE/SHE would have given us SIXTEEN FINGERS!! Powers of ten are the ONLY way to go, and in fact account partly for BLAZE-PC's MIND-BLOWING SPEED. And now, for all you other LOSERS who keep asking about BLAZE-PC's graphics resolution (which we didn't mention), it should be totally OBVIOUS what the answer is. NO, it's not 1024x1024 or some other BLAZEPHEMOUS resolution. In fact, BLAZE-PC's graphics resolution is 10x10!! Yes, ten pixels by ten pixels. You see, BLAZE-PC is SO POWERFUL that even with 100 pixels, it BLOWS THE COMPETITION OUT OF THE WATER!! Each pixel can have over 100,000 different colors SIMULTANEOUSLY, and can be SIZED from infinitely small all the way up to cover the entire screen! These pixels are SO VERSATILE that it requires only 2 pixels to display the MONA LISA!! And it's INDISTINGUISHABLE from the ORIGINAL PAINTING!!! (In fact, one morning we discovered a dead art thief on the floor by our computer. He tried to cut out the painting using a knife, and hit a capacitor. Poor Poopsie.) 2Call for criticisms (was Re: HEMP PLANT) 3Written by Daniel J. Barrett - barrett@cs.umass.edu Summary: BLAZEMONGER strikes again In article something-or-other, everybody and their mothers-in-law write: >[Emplant does exist, Emplant can't exist, Emplant sucks, Emplant bites, >Emplant bites shortly before it sucks, etc.] BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED is proud to pre-announce the eventual availability of its latest product-to-be... BLAZEPLANT the ULTIMATE emulator of EVERYTHING EVER KNOWN to human beings. BLAZEPLANT will be available at exactly 7:42 am on December 28, 1997. Until that time, we would like to request that everybody in c.s.a.eggplant please post AS MANY CRITICISMS AS POSSIBLE about BLAZEPLANT. Feel free to FLAME its concept, authors, documentation, price, and even the coding style. Please tell us that the product is impossible, infeasible, and may cause rare, tropical foot diseases. Since the product isn't out yet (heck, we haven't even written the specification yet), your criticisms will be INVALUABLE in helping us to identify and wipe out certain dweebs in this newsgroup who don't know when to shut up. This has been a pubic service. Thank you very much.