TITLE:NOT 1982 - First half
PALETTE:0223 0aa9 0a87 099d
BRUSH:06

3                            NOT 1982, THE FIRST HALF


2JANUARY

 1st - From today, EEC regulations require ALL apples to state clearly the
       number of pips they contain

 4th - New EEC regulations on penis size in force from today

 5th - First cold day of winter. Central heating breaks down

10th - 311 shopping days to Christmas

11th - Sothebys: Sale of authentic fakes

16th - Team of Soviet Scientists apponted to discover why people in Georgia
       WANT to live to 190.

17th - Ayatollah's official birthday: 113

19th - Isaac Newton succeeded in spitting the apple

28th - 10 Years Ago Today It Was Still Possible To:
       Bribe a policeman for less than a pound

31st - Anniversary 1933: Adolf Hitler became Chacellor. Historically speaking
       the Germans couldn't have chosen a worse Chancellor.


2FEBRUARY

 1st - Coldest February day since 1981.

 8th - US resumes supplies of arms to Russia

 9th - Save a tree: Eat More Woodpeckers

10th - Queen Victoria's Wedding Night (1840)
       Queen Victoria finished undressing (1842)

16th - Anniversary, 1960: Chinese announced successful testing of contraceptive
       bomb.

17th - Soviet scientists succeed in opening a Long Life Milk carton (1978)

19th - Things a microchip can't do:
       Seduce an unwilling panda

23rd - "The Times" introduces topless obituaries from today


2MARCH

 3rd - Sterility may be inherited (Pacific Rural Press)

13rd - Things a microchip can't do:
       Explain British Airway's fare structure

16th - 10 Years Ago Today It Was Still Possible To:
       Understand a bank statement

22nd - Frank Sinatra's 53rd Farewell concert, Las Vegas

25th - Year of the Mentally Unstable Whale begins today

28th - If you are wondering why no-one else is around, the clocks changed last
       night...

32nd - Anniversary 1950: British Government at last recognised the People's
       Rebublic of China.

33rd - Sorry about March plodding on and on like this. Unfortunately this is a
       new government regulation to get us all to work harder or something...
       Don't forget to put your digital date-a-day watches forward half a week.


2APRIL

 1st - 

 4th - First successful crossing of Trafalgar Square by taxi (1963)

 9th - Anniversary 33 AD: Eternal Life invented

13th - Anniversary 1727: Isaac Newton drops off his perch. God invents gravity.

17th - Abstain from sex. Any child conceived today should be born on Christmas
       Day, when hospitals are staffed by drunks: and will anyway curse you till
       eternity

21st - Anniversary 1980: Americans develop new "completely clean" hydrogen bomb.
       It blows people and buildings to pieces, but sucks up the bits afterwards

28th - End of the World sighted off coast of South America (1976)


2MAY

 2nd - "My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me when I am dead"
       Anon


2JUNE

 6th - Born Borg Bjorn

 9th - 10 Years Ago Today It Was Still Possible To:
       Learn to read at school

11th - Sunrise in Reykjavik 12.39 pm
       Sunset in Reykjavik 12.41 pm

19th - Very wise sayings No. 365:
       "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we
        pretend to be" (Vonnegut)

26th - Obscure facts No 146:
       Iceland is Europe's leading producer of bananas.


Extracts from the "NOT 1982" calendar. Copyright notices have been destroyed.
Do we have to be worried?