TITLE:FLAMES by DAN BARRETT PALETTE:0223 099b 09a9 0b99 3Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett. 3All Rights reserved. 3Reprinted by permission. 3This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its 3entirety. It may not be included in any pubblication without the written 3permission of the author. 2CPU's in flames 3Written by Daniel J. Barrett - barrett@cs.umass.edu Summary: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's BLAZEMONGER! Keywords: metope triglyph Doric frieze >Re: Valid Hardware Comparisons? >Re: Mac vs Amiga (was Re: Mac vs. Amiga) >Re: Mac vs. NeXT vs. 486 (was Re: Please STOP IT!!) >Re: 486 vs. OS/2 (was Re: No more comparisons, PLEASE!!!) >Re: Mac vs. Mac vs. Amiga vs. Mac (was Re: How do I make a KILL file?) >Re: Amiga vs. Godzilla (was Re: Good reptile softwrae?) Welcome back, friends, for another episode of... AS THE CPU BURNS the Amiga flamer community's favorite ongoing soap opera! But first, a word from our sponsor... heh heh... "AS THE CPU BURNS" is brought to you by BLAZEMONGER, INCORPORATED: makers of fine games for self-destructive personalities. Try BLAZEMONGER today! Then become HOPELESSLY ADDICTED, quit your JOB, and spend thousands of dollars on SURGERY to have your EYEBALLS removed from the screen!! Now, back to the story! As you remember from last week, the Amiga was a total piece of crap because it has no colors, blurry video, flakey hardware, buggy software, and an incurable case of "Athlete's Mouse." In a last-ditch attempt to make the Amiga more visible, Commodore Marketing dug a big hole in the ground, filled it with mud, and jumped in. Critics called this a "bold move forward" and were "cautiously optimistic" about the results. Meanwhile, in a town not far away, the Mac's System 7 was voted "Best Operating System" by the Left-Handed Myopic High School Custodial Society of Chickenmilk, Wisconsin. Simultaneously, Steve Jobs announced that the next NeXT computer will have a '486 processor and a new I/O system made almost entirely of processed lunch meat. Also meanwhile, in a surprise move, IBM and Union Carbide teamed up to create a new computer medium made entirely of chemical gases, eliminating the need for disks and tapes. This "Vaporware" (TM) reportedly will be ready to ship "any day now." But some questions have STILL been left unanswered. What's the best computer to buy? What's the best computer to RENT? What's the best computer to grind up and use as OINTMENT on a nasty burn? Will the Amiga ever catch up? Does the Amiga taste good with ketchup? How many NeXT's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? How many Macs does it take to screw up an operating system? Are 24-bit graphics on the horizon, or will they be replaced by a hefty bonk on the head? Does the previous sentence have ANY MEANING AT ALL?? Why don't we get World Peace as a free prize inside our breakfast cereal? Is BLAZEMONGER *fast*???!?!?? GET REAL!! BLAZEMONGER is SO AMAZINGLY, BLINDINGLY, ASTOUNDINGLY LIGHTNING-FAST THAT... that... hey!! Tell our "sponsors" to keep their propaganda in their OWN POSTINGS! [Sorry about that! - B. Inc.] And what of the Toaster? Does it SUCK? Should the president of NewTek be dipped in boiling pig fat and thrown into a pit of cobras? Will he find Irving Gould sitting next to him???? Tune in tomorrow (and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, ...) to hear the same arguments over and OVER and OVER AND OVER again!!!!!!! 2A more efficient way to flame 3Written by Daniel J. Barrett - barrett@cs.umass.edu Summary: BLAZEMONGER INC. strikes again! Keywords: Flames great, less filling Boy, these "computer wars" sure take a lot of time! I mean, I know that everybody loves hearing why computer X is better than computer Y, but think of all the EFFORT involved! There are DOZENS of flamers working hard to write LONG and ORIGINAL articles about issues that get argued OVER and OVER again. There MUST be a better way! There IS a better way!! [Rumble rumble] Introducing... P H R A S E M O N G E R the FASTEST way to FLAME! Yes, PHRASEMONGER, the latest in a series of USEFUL yet HARMFUL products from the creative cesspools of BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED. PHRASEMONGER is so AMAZINGLY, MIND-NUMBINGLY FAST that it can flame EVERY POSTER in the comp.sys.amiga hierarchy in mere SECONDS! Even by E-MAIL!! Did somebody just post an article that you HATED? Did the poster tell LIES, HALF-TRUTHS, or just plain BULL?? Did it make you ANGRY?!?!? Do you want to POST THE MOST VICIOUS, DAMAGING FLAME IN THE HISTORY OF ELECTRONIC MEDIA, TOTALLY DESTROYING THE REPUTATIONS OF THE IDIOT POSTER AND HIS MOTHER AND PET DOGGIE FOR ALL ETERNITY??!!!?!??!?!?! Well, in that case, I suggest that you get serious psychological help immediately! But for the REST of us, PHRASEMONGER is a quick way to FLAME without having to work hard. After all, isn't that what computers are for? Simply feed the offending USENET article into PHRASEMONGER, click on the appropriate intensity gadget ("Disagree", "Disagree Strongly", "Hate", "Maim", "Kill Lightly", "Dismember", "Puree", or "REALLY Not Nice"), and let the program go to work! Instantly, a customized FLAME is ready for your posting pleasure. For example, suppose that Joe Flamebait has posted the following article: From: flamebait@deadbeef.barbeque.edu Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mac vs. NeXT vs. Muhammed Ali Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.aversion In article <2938749@hot.ouch> scumface@barbie.ken.com writes: >Which should I buy? Buy a Mac. It has a cute little trashcan. Much better than the nasty NeXT "black hole." And besides, I am such an expert on these two machines that I think I'll post it in an Amiga newsgroup so everybody can be enlightened. --- Joe Flamebait, flamebait@deadbeef.barbeque.edu No matter where you go, there's a stupid quote! Feed it to PHRASEMONGER, click on the "Half-Intensity" gadget, and look what comes out!! From: Subject: What a JERK (was Re: Re: Re: Mac vs. NeXT vs. ...) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.aversion,comp.sys.atari.st, sci.electronics,rec.humor,comp.binaries.ibm-pc, misc.books,rec.music.synth,alt.pictures.d Followup-To: comp.sys.mac,rec.arts.startrek,comp.unix.wizards In article <398474@barbeque.edu>, flamebait@deadbeef writes: >[totally ignorant ravings deleted] Mac? MAC?!? Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND!?!??!? You OBVIOUSLY have NO IDEA what you're talking about! The NeXT?!? GET A LIFE!! Both of these machines are INEPT at best, incapable even of picking the CORNS on my TOES. And don't even *mention* Multifinder... oh, no. What a JOKE. The Mac *belongs* in the very TRASH CAN that it displays. The NeXT should get SUCKED into a black hole itself. And you, Mr. Smarty-Pants, should be fed to rabid wolves. And next time, buddy, keep it in your OWN NEWSGROUP!!! --- Not bad, eh? But that's not ALL! You don't even have to give PHRASEMONGER the original article! Just type in a few key words or phrases, and PHRASEMONGER will give you a perfect flame ANYWAY! Example 1: Input: Apple, Irving Gould, CDTV Gadget: "Maim" Output: "You misbegotten Apple employees don't know what you're TALKING ABOUT! This is TOTAL and UTTER BULLSHIT!!! CDTV can run RINGS around the Mac IIfx ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!! Get the HELL off of the NET!!! Love, Irving Gould" Example 2: Input: asdf4 Gadget: "Embarrass" Output: "WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!!!! No matter HOW you say it, your INFORMATION is COMPLETELY without content! I refer you to chapter 4 of the ROM KERNEL MANUAL so you can see how BRAINLESS your comment was. No, I won't tell you the PAGE NUMBER, you mamby-pamby little CREEP." Now that you've seen PHRASEMONGER at work, a natural question you might ask is: "How does PHRASEMONGER do it?" To answer that question, let's feed it to PHRASEMONGER (at various intensity levels) and find out!! Input: "How does PHRASEMONGER do it?" Gadget: Somewhat Friendly Output: "BLAZEMONGER INC. has the ULTIMATE programmers. They can do ANYTHING, you little dweeb." Gadget: Medium Output: "We don't give out TRADE SECRETS for FREE, you MOOCHER. Write your OWN damn program." Gadget: Destructive Output: "By kidnapping your MOTHER and doing IRRESPONSIBLE ACTIONS with a garden hose." Wheee!!! Obviously this program has lots of POTENTIAL. It is hoped that PHRASEMONGER will provide the ULTIMATE in high-temperature entertainment for YEARS to come!! Get your copy now at finer software stores everywhere. But be sure to wear gloves when opening the box.... PS: WARNING! Judging from the content of some of the recent articles in this newsgroup, it is obvious that some buggy "beta" copies of PHRASEMONGER have leaked out onto USENET. Beware! 2Angry, angry, angry... gee whiz, am I angry! 3Written by Daniel J. Barrett - barrett@cs.umass.edu Summary: A BLAZEMONGER a day keeps the FLAMERS away Keywords: Beethoven, concrete, petunias, tattooed knockwurst Hey! Have you ever sent e-mail to someone, and then found out that your e-mail was POSTED to the Net without your permission? Did this make you angry?? Very angry?? Very, very, VERY ANGRY??? ANGRY ENOUGH to take STEEL TWEEZERS and FORCEFULLY PIERCE the CHEEKS of the IDIOT RAPSCALLION WHO DID IT?!?!?!??!? Well then, we have GREAT NEWS for you!!! Introducing... P H R A S E M O N G E R I I the latest entry in BLAZEMONGER, INCORPORATED's "ViolentWare" series! They said it couldn't be done. "Improve PHRASEMONGER??" they gasped. "It's already the PERFECT way to create EFFICIENT and DEVASTATING FLAMES!!" Well, that just shows you what DWEEBS "they" are. We have taken the ULTIMATE ELECTRONIC FLAME PROGRAM and turned it into... into... yes... the ULTIMATE *ULTIMATE* ELECTRONIC FLAME PROGRAM!!!!! (How's THAT for progress??) For those people out there who have never heard of PHRASEMONGER, here are a few words of introduction, to help you out. YOU STUPID, BRAINLESS MORON!! DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?!?!?! Whoops!! Sorry about that!! We tried to write a polite and helpful answer, but PHRASEMONGER II took control of the keyboard! We'll try again. As described a few weeks ago, PHRASEMONGER was developed to make flaming more efficient. Simply feed in the offending USENET article, and PHRASEMONGER automatically generates and posts a specially-tailored FLAME to toast your hated opponent, uh, I mean the other person. For example, suppose you saw the following SUGGESTIVE and HIGHLY OFFENSIVE article posted in your favorite newsgroup: Article 5873 of rec.flowers From: mark@liberty.ads.edu (Mark Pern) Subject: Re: Petunia gardens in Southern France In article <239487.8@nice.com>, mary@vax.nice.com writes: >Next time you are in Paris, you simply MUST check out >the Tuilleries, the roses are just fab... Oh yes, definitely! I was there in the Summer of '89 and just fell in love with the place. Those high-walled rock gardens and statues just blew me away! Well, you aren't just going to SIT THERE and TAKE this stuff, are you?!? No WAY!!! Let PHRASEMONGER generate an "appropriate" reponse... From: testosterone@really.big.one (Don't Fuck With Me) Subject: Re: Re: Petunia gardens up my ass In-Response-To: moron@liberace.aids.edu (Infantile Pervert) Newsgroups: rec.flowers, talk.abortion, comp.laser-printers Followup-To: rec.music.jazz, alt.jesus In article <3847@who.cares>, some dickhead writes: >[useless sniveling deleted] Mork, you DROOLING CREEP, you don't know the FIRST THING about rock gardens. You wouldn't know a DAISY if it WALKED RIGHT UP TO YOU and BIT OFF YOUR BUTT! In fact, that's EXACTLY what would happen -- you see, flowers HATE you. They WHISPER secrets about you when you aren't listening. So get the HELL off the Net, and take your damn POSIES with you. Love and kisses, Your mother's pimp Now THAT was effective, wasn't it? And now, things are even BETTER because PHRASEMONGER II is NEW and IMPROVED over the old version! Look at all these great new features! o AUTO-FLAME mode! Yes, you don't even have to sit at your terminal anymore to post great flames! Just connect an "Auto-Fire" joystick, and PHRASEMONGER II will begin posting responses to EVERY USENET ARTICLE it sees! Use the "Slander" option to make PHRASEMONGER post in the names of well-known USENET personalities! o WMAILSPLIT mode! Generate THOUSANDS of USELESS and ANNOYING articles automatically!! o SUPERUSER mode! Connect your PHRASEMONGER-II-equipped Amiga to any UNIX machine. It will automatically grab ALL THE UNREAD E-MAIL on the disk, ERASE it, and replace it with WARPED and TWISTED versions of the original messages! o REVENGE mode! If somebody posts your e-mail for everybody to see, PHRASEMONGER II will automatically set up an E-MAIL LOOP that causes your original letter to be sent back to the offender over and over and OVER and OVER...! And the versions keep getting worse, and worse, and WORSE...! But it's not done yet! PHRASEMONGER II then monitors USENET to see if the offender posts a public apology to you! And if he/she does, PHRASEMONGER II immediately responds with a CRISPY, RED-HOT FLAME that REJECTS the STUPID APOLOGY and makes RUDE and DIRTY REMARKS about the offender's BODILY PARTS! o GYNECOLOGY mode!! We won't even TELL you what THIS does!! So make sure to run out to your local dealer and purchase PHRASEMONGER II right away! If you DON'T, then... then... then... well, heck, I don't know. Let's ask PHRASEMONGER II: If you don't BUY a copy of me IMMEDIATELY, CRAZED RADIOACTIVE DEATH VULTURES will RIP the very FLESH from your FAT, SLOVENLY CARCASS!! Yeah, that's it. ps: Can you tell I have a big assignment due? :-) 2Finally: a SOLUTION for all the flames in c.s.a.advocacy 3Written by Daniel J. Barrett - barrett@cs.umass.edu Keywords: flames, third degree burns, get the marshmallows Maybe you haven't noticed, but flames and nasty remarks are starting to pop up again all over the c.s.a. hierarchy. We have HAM-E flames in c.s.a.graphics, "Future of Amiga" flames in c.s.a.misc, modem flames in c.s.a.datacomm, and other violations. It is time for us to realize that the flamers cannot be confined to just the "advocacy" newsgroup. What can be done about this? I have a simple and efficient solution: let's turn ALL the newsgroups into flame groups! Yes!! A few simple name-changes, and we can have a whole hierarchy of anger and hate!!! Wheee, won't that be FUN? Here is my complete proposal for new groups to replace the existing (and similar sounding) ones! (1) comp.sys.amiga.myth The "general talk" Amiga group. Hints, rumors, legends, nitpicks, minor falsehoods, small crimes, outright lies, etc. (2) comp.sys.amiga.anonymous Moderated. USENET people and Amiga vendors will submit the most awful stuff they can think of. The moderator will accept the juiciest ones and post them anonymously, or in the names of well-known Net personalities. (Of course, the moderator's name and e-mail address would be kept secret.) (3) comp.sys.amiga.refused Moderated. All submissions are immediately rejected by the moderator. Nothing is ever posted here. (4) comp.sys.amiga.introspection Frequently asked questions, such as "why I am I reading News," "what else could I be doing that is more productive," and "where can I find psychological help to break my USENET addiction." (5) comp.sys.amiga.hardcore For true, die-hard flamers. Yell and scream about the latest hardware mistakes and technical errors, and how you could have done it 100 times better and 10 times quicker, for 5 percent of the cost. (6) comp.sys.amiga.programs Fanatical discussion of Amiga appearances on television shows. (7) comp.sys.amiga.gams Flames containing sexist remarks. (8) comp.sys.amiga.multimediator With all this flaming going on, SOMEBODY has to try to make peace. This is the group where people can volunteer to reconcile the differences between opposing flamers. (9) comp.sys.amiga.supplications The official forum for begging and pleading to Commodore for the latest OS and hardware advances. (10) comp.sys.amiga.marketingplace Flames and more flames against Commodore's marketing department. A traffic limit of 32,768 posts per day will be imposed to prevent USENET sites from running out of disk space. (11) comp.sys.amiga.auditor Screams and complaints against Irving Gould's high salary. (12) comp.sys.amiga.adversary The pits of Hell. The slime of the earth. Yes, here are found the worst of the worst, the lowest of the low, the flamingest of the flamers. Enter and die immediately. You have been warned. (13) comp.sys.amiga.dad&mom After reading through all the other groups, your brain is wasted and your body sore. Come to this newsgroup for sympathy, a kiss on the cheek, and a hot dinner. and, of course: (14) comp.sys.amiga.BLAZEMONGER Discussion of important Amiga software, hardware, programming, games, applications, multimedia, audio, telecommunications, and other related topics. Well, what does everybody think? Should we do it? Personally, I think it's time to face reality and convene this Grand Reorganization ((C) Kent@Xanth) as soon as possible!