Do you know a lamer? Read on... |`A day in the life of Mr X' This is a TRUE story with no exaggeration (well maybe a little). The names have been changed to protect the guilty. 8.00am. A huge, fat, globulous arsehole falls out of bed. Oh shit, he'll be late picking Miss Thick (his girlfriend) up again. Sweaty and smelly he jumps in the Lada. After 14 seconds it hits warp speed and he encounters time dilation. Damn, that'll make him even later. Oh well it's not his fault. (Editor's note:- Time Dilation is a curious phenomenom that only occurs when Mr. X is alone in the car. Numerous scientific investigations into this strange occurrence have uncovered no reason why this is so.) 8.47am. Engine screaming he pulls up to the house in the nearby village of Insanity. 47 minutes to travel 3 miles. A record! 8.48am. She gets in the car. She doesn't talk. 8.49am. They're off! Warp speed in 12 seconds. Arrives back at Doomsville in 47 seconds. 8.50am. He stops the car. Hurls abuse at a middle-aged woman for turning right into a car-park thus slowing him down. 8.51am. Arrives at police station. Reports woman to officer at desk. Demands the death penalty. 8.52am. Leaves police station having secured a promise that the woman will be hunted down and slaughtered along with the rest of her family. 8.53am. Crosses bridge complaining about the "Shit surface" and "the thick bastard in the police station". 8.57am. Arrives at her work. 3 minutes to spare! Tells Miss Thick that he'll be there to pick her up for lunch. She reacts with undisguised glee, slams the door and storms off into the building in tears. 9.08am. Arrives back home. Makes a light breakfast. 3 loaves of bread, 2 pigs, 1gross of eggs, 1 bottle of tomato sauce, 1 jar of marmalade and several gallons of tea later he goes to bed for a well earned rest. 11.27am. A huge, fat, globulous arsehole covered in tomato sauce and marmalade falls out of bed. 11.30am. Staggers downstairs. Belches and blows out the living room window. His Father asks when he's going to move "that piece of junk" into the garage. Mr. X gently explains that it isn't junk, it's a Maestro TURBO and that it has 2bhp more than the Montego turbo. He does this by repeatedly smashing his father over the head with the actual turbo unit until he is unconscious. 11.35am. Having wiped the blood from his clothes he climbs into his car. Warp speed in 12 seconds. Time dilation. 11.40am. Passes two twats in a Golf. Recognises them as being "those fuckers" from Mon PD and sticks his head out of the window to shout "Where's your printer?" at the top of his voice before smashing into the back of Mr. Spit's car and making a 300 pound dent in his bumper. 11.41am. Threatens to put Mr. Spit "through a wall" for implying that it was Mr. X's fault they'd crashed. Mr. Spit points out that there are no walls in the immediate vicinity and demands his cash. 11.42am. Mr. X, after fierce and sustained resistance, eventually agrees to pay him the money. Mr. Spit leaves with an I.O.U. from Mr. X. (Ed's note:- Mr. X signed the I.O.U. Miss Thick. Clever Boy!) 11.43am. Mr. X returns to his car safe in the knowledge that:- a) He's "Hard" and b) He takes "no shit" from anyone. 12.05pm. Arrives at Miss Thick's place of work. Receives a tongue-lashing for being late. Loses his temper and smashes a hole in the dashboard, rips the door off its hinges and generally jumps about, yelling and screaming, and saying it wasn't his fault. 12.15pm. Calms down enough to sellotape the door back on and leave for lunch. 12.20pm. Arrives at the chippy in Doomsville. Orders 2 portions of chips, jumbo sausage, a pie, curry sauce, another portion of chips, beefburger in batter, gravy, mushy peas, a 5p fork and a tray. Oh, and a can of coke. Whoops, almost forgot, a portion of chips for Miss Thick as well. 12.25pm. Whilst his order is being wheeled out to a waiting truck he nips across to the Newsagents to buy some chocolate. 12.28pm. Has a bit of trouble fitting the bags of sweets into the car but, in a moment of inspiration, he solves the problem by ripping out the passenger and rear seats. 12.29pm. Drives to the promenade with the truck close behind. Miss Thick has transferred to the truck because there is no room for her and the sweets. 12.36pm. Arrives at the promenade and settles down to eat. Miss Thick is too worried about the 300 pound she owes Mr. Spit to eat so Mr. X has her chips as well. 12.37pm. Finishes his lunch and starts on the sweets. 12.38pm. Finishes the sweets and calls Miss Thick over to take away the wrappers. 12.54pm. Miss Thick finishes cleaning the car and Mr. X takes her back to work. 12.59pm. Miss Thick staggers from the car having cracked 3 vertabrae in her spine when Mr. X took off from the car-park. (No seats you see). Mr. X demands a kiss then waves her goodbye and accelerates out of the car-park. 1.10pm. Arrives back home. Finds his father still slumped in his chair. 1.11pm. Goes upstairs to his room. Stares lovingly at his computer before switching it on. Loads in PenPal and sits there. His hand slips down to carress the printer that he pinched. 3.30pm Stops playing with the printer and switches off his computer. Goes outside and pulls out an enormous chain of keys to unlock the door of his Maestro (Quicker than a Montego) TURBO. Sits in the drivers seat making engine noises and dreaming of the day when it will be ready. Fond thoughts of astonished XR3 drivers eating his dust fill his mind. 4.35pm. Sets off to pick Miss Thick up. 5.05pm. She asks if she can have the car to go and see her sister. Mr. X is astonished. Says he'll drive her there and pick her up. She says she wants to drive herself. Now Mr. X is suspicious. Accuses her of two-timing him. She tells him to "Grow up". They continue in this vein until they reach Mr. X's home. 5.11pm. Mr. X jumps out of the car, taking the door with him, and tells her she can have the car but if she does then they are finished. Almost before he finishes the sentence Miss Thick jumps in the driver's seat and speeds off. 5.12pm. Mr. X screams "Bitch" and walks into his house. Slams the door and brings down the front of the house. 5.13pm. Kicks his way through the rubble to his room and consoles himself by playing with the printer that those thick bastards at Mon PD let him steal from under their noses. 1.08am. Bedtime for a huge, fat, globulous arsehole.