|A Day In The Life Of PC God By Crow of The LOC If you have ever gone over to the dark side, you will know that there exists a computer (using term very loosely) called a PC (Pieces Of Crap); but that is just fifty million peoples opinion. To prove that this machine does exist we have obtained highly classified documentation on the afore mentioned contraption. NOTE : All values are approximates, and should not be used for reference of any kind except to take the piss. PC 80286 Processor : 1+1=1+1 (But Only on Saturdays) Speed : 14 Gerbils/Second Memory : Don't know Just Forgot Sound : Beep (With Sound Card) Graphics : !******! (Scarey Space Alien) Software : Windows Version 1.0c Is Very Good Other : Why ??? Comment : Nurse, Nurse My Medication Now !!! PC 80386 Processor : 1+1=2 (Ha Lied It's Really 1) Speed : 25 Gerbils/Hour Memory : Goldfish Would Be Proud With This Sound : Beep Beep (With Two Sound Card) Graphics : !****! !****! (Two Scarey Aliens, With Super VGA) Software : Very Soft Other : Yes, But Not Now Dear Comment : Why Has My Head Turned Into A WhirlyGig PC 80486 Processor : 1+1=0.0001 (Almost) Speed : 33 Gerbils/Year Memory : Four Type Writers (Almost) Sound : Beep Ptang (Whoops Clogged Speaker) Thats If You Have A Sound Card. Graphics : (Sorry This Is Not A Games Machine !!!) Software : Socks Other : Main Use Displaying Dodgy GIF Pictures (Hmmmm) Comment : Only Use Is To Display Dodgy GIF Pictures (Hmmm, Hmmm) Pentium PC Processor : Seven Egg Whisks In There Boxes Speed : 66 Gerbils/Week (Now Where, Gerbils That Is!) Memory : None Sound : Welcome To The Wonderful World Of 8 Colour Gerbils. Graphics : We Would Show You But, Nothing Works On It (not Even a mouse) Software : Loads In Pretty Boxes, But There Was No Intructions For Opening Other : Reading Beastality Stories (Too Close To Life, For PC er's) Comment : ENCRYPTED FOR SECURITY REASONS :- A)S%$£ !-+\"+=:{}[]} Newsflash after six months of pain; translation of conversation between two PC Gods :- Key To Transcript : James Sturgeon = JS, Raymond Stepladder = RS JS - Urhhhh how many pixels are on your mouse ? RS - Hmmm, let me just put my stepladder away, Arggh yes seven and a half unless it's in full blitter mode, else it's just one. JS - Urhhhh thank you, can you write that down so I do not... what were you Urhhhh talking about ? RS - Have you got elevator shoes on your hard drive, as my stepladder is faulty and the repair man said it will take two months just to oil it. JS - Whats one of those ? RS - Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmmm, Hmmmm, Hmmm sorry you lost me, it will be in manual. JS - I know what you mean one of those things made out of coal, I will just look, sorry I cannot find read but that does not matter as I cannot read. RS - It's alright that will be in the manual as well. JS - What do you mean you have to open the box ? RS - You know the box the PC came in. JS - God, you are clever for a PC owner, I love you, you are cool and everyone else sucks, can I be your friend and stand by your monitor ? RS - Errr, quick hand me my step ladder so I can hide from this freak/PC owner. JS - Comeback I have windows version 1.2c, with screen blanker which is designed to ruin your monitor forever. RS - Did you say Windows Version 1.2c (Slobber), I will have your children and sell my step ladder, for Windows 1.2c. JS - Have you got 105 high density disks or another hard disk so I can copy you Windows 1.2c ? RS - I have only got 104 disks, will it archive down to that many ? JS - Well, with my special program I have written (stole and put my name at the top, which is normal for PC Gods), which takes three days, will archive down onto 104 and a half disks, but if I leave out the libraries it will fit on 4 disks. RS - All I wanted, was the libraries, for my collection of dust covered disks, which I never use but they do look pretty in the sunlight melting together, into a mass of mangled plastic. JS - You do that as well ? How many rooms have you filled I am on my fourth ? RS - I had to buy two new houses for my collection ! JS - That's cool !!! RS - Yeahh JS - Do you like Brotherhood Of Man ? RS - Yeahh, they are cool !!! JS - I have got one of their cd's, shall I play it in my cd-rom drive ? RS - Ok, but make sure to pump the volume up so the walls shake. JS - Here goes !!! RS - Why is it not working ? JS - Errr, I think I have put the cd into my floppy drive, I thought something was wrong when I could not fit it in the drive without snapping it into little pieces. RS - We can fix that, if the problems in the manual. Where is your manual ? JS - I did not get a manual with my PC because, I have been conned, it is knocked off dodgy gear, which fell out the back of factory, so I did not get anything with my PC, not even my PC. RS - That problem will be in the manual, lets have a look. JS - I have just told you, I have not got a manual !!! RS - Errr, I will look in the manual, for that problem as well. JS - Look, tick turd I have not got a manual, you cretin. RS - Ohh, I see, you do not have a manual, right ok then lets look in the manual to see if we can find a manual. JS - Look (banging RS's head on table), I do not have, every had, seen, smelt, or walked past a bloody manual. So get that into your thick skull you excuse for a stepladder. Bang splash thud, the Translator has just commited suicide before all of the translation could be completed; we apologise for this. To contact The LOC or our sister group The Little Orange Cabbage; see my advert (Stone Of The LOC). Designed In A Pub, Built in A Shed - The LOC end.