SOME JOKES FROM SEWER SOFTWARE ST! Typed by ??? Edited by PARASITE. 1. How do you make an Irishman laugh on Monday ? Tell him a joke on Friday. 2. A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub , when an irate Irishman stands up: "You're makin' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose." "I'm sorry sir, I..." "Not you ," says the Irishman , "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee." 3. "Hey ," said a new arrival in the pub , "I've got some great Irish jokes." "Before you start ," said the big bloke in the corner , "I'm warning you I'm Irish." "Don't worry ," said the newcomer , "I'll tell them slowly." 4. Paddy and Mick shared first prize of œ500,000 in the Irish Sweepstakes and were celebrating their winnings over a jar of stout. "But Paddy , Oi've been thinking ," said Mick with a worried frown , "what will we do with all them beggin' letters? " "Shure ," said Paddy , "we'll go on sending 'em out." 5. At the party they threw to celebrate, Paddy played his famous party trick. He extends his hands to an unsuspecting bystander and says: "Pick a thumb , any thumb at all." When the bystander complies, the Irishman puts his hands behind his back for a moment, then holds out his clenched fist. "Okay , now which hand is it in ? " 6. It's revolutionary Paris, 1789 , and three spies from across the channel are about to be guillotined. "Do you want to be beheaded on your back or on your front ? " the executioner asked Smith. "On my back ," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death. So Smith was layed out on his back under the knife. The executioner pulled the lever. Schlick.....and the knife jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man can be sentenced to death twice. Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed and Hoskins was reprieved. Murphy was third. "Back or front ? " "If it's good enough for Smith and Hoskins , it's good enough for me ," and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade. "Begorrah ," he said. "Just a minute. I think I can see why it jams." 7. An airman had to bail out , and landed battered and bruised in a field just outside Belfast. A crowd had gathered round , and one of them said to the airman , "What happened ? " He said , "My parachute wouldn't open." The Irishman said , "Ye should have known. Nothing opens here on Sunday." 8. Have you heard about the Irish sky diver who was killed when his snorkel and flippers failed to open ? 9. Then there's the one about the new Irish parachute. It open on impact. 10. Two Irishmen were sitting in a four-engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captain's voice came over the loudspeaker. "Ladies and gentlemen , one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about , but we will be fifteen minutes late in landing at Gatwick." Five minutes later he said , "Nothing to worry about ladies and gentlemen , but one of the other engines has failed , and we will be an hour late." A moment later, "Er...sorry about this ladies and gentlemen , but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected." One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Good heavens , Patrick , do you realise that if the other engine fails , we'll be up here all night ? " THE POOPIE LIST GHOST POOPIE - The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet. CLEAN POOPIE - The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper. WET POOPIE - The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you put toilet paper between your cheeks so you won't ruin your undies with a stain. SECOND WAVE POOPIE - The kind where you're done poopie-ing and you pulled your pants up to your knees and you realized you've got to go again. POP-A-VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POOPIE - The kind where you strain so much to get it out you almost have a stroke. LINCOLN LOG POOPIE - The kind that's so huge you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it up into tiny pieces with the toilet brush first. THE GASSY POOPIE - The kind that's so noisy, everyone within ear shot is giggling. THE DRINKER POOPIE - The kind you have in the morning after a long night of drinking. The most noticeable trait is the skid marks in the bottom of the toilet. CORN POOPIE - Self explanatory. THE GEE I WISH I COULD POOPIE! - The kind where you sit for awhile and only fart. SPINAL TAP POOPIE - The kind that hurts so bad you'd swear it came out sideways. THE WET CHEEKS POOPIE (the power dump) - The kind that comes out so fast you're cheeks get splashed with water. THE LIQUID POOPIE - The kind where yellow brown liquid shoots out so fast it splashes all over the bowl. THE MEXICAN POOPIE - The kind where it smells so bad your nose burns. UPPER CLASS POOPIE - The kind that doesn't smell. THE SURPRISE POOPIE - The kind where you're not even at the toilet because you're sure you're about to fart, But, oops! - a poopie! THE CLIFF HANGER - The kind that refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you're done - so you pray a shake or two will cut it loose. How many pretty little rich girls does it take to change a light-bulb? One, to call the electrician. How many gays does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to call the electrician, the other to mix some drinks. How many real men does it take to change a light bulb? None, real men aren't afraid of the dark. How many Yiddishe Mommas does it take to change a light bulb? None. "You just go out, leave me in the dark. All alone where anybody could come & rob the house. You just go out, have a good time, & don't worry about your poor old mother..." How many women's libbers does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change it, three to write about it, four to make a documentary about it, & another four to apply for a grant. How many bureaucrats? I'll let you work it out: plenty to fill out forms & courier them from one department to another. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese. Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony? The one who can carry 2 large coffees & a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony? The one who can eat the last two donuts. What is the meaning of the following equation? AM ABB -- - C = --- AW SS Aboriginal Man on top of an Aboriginal Women minus a Condom equals Another Black Bastard on Social Security Why do negroes wear wide rimmed hats? To keep the bird shit off their lips. What are three things you can't give an aboriginal? A black eye, a fat lip & a job. Why do seagulls fly upside down over Britain? Because the poms aren't worth shitting on. Why did god invent the orgasm? To tell negroes when to stop. Why don't aboriginals get aids? Because as soon as the aids virus enters the cell it hangs itself. Why didn't the Lebanese bride wear any underpants to her wedding? She wanted to keep the flies off the cake. Why do aboriginals smell? So blind people can hate them too. Why did the walrus enjoy going to Tupperware parties? Because he liked tight seals!! How do you circumcise an aborigine? Kick his sister in the mouth!! Have you heard about the new italian biotechnology company? They're called Genitalia. Why was the gay dismissed from his job at the sperm bank? He was caught drinking on the job. What has Mohammad Ali & Rock Hudson got in common? They were both battered around the ring... How did AIDS get into the States? UP the Hudson.... How did the New York times read when it was known that Rock Hudson has AIDS? "AIDS HAS REACHED ROCK'S BOTTOM..." What did one test tube baby say to the other test tube baby ? Your dads a wanker ! Roses are red Violets are blue I'm a schizophrenic And so am I. What's the definition of a computer ? An accountant with a personality. What's the difference between a nurse & a jumbo jet? Not everyone's been in a jumbo jet What's the difference between Joan Collins & a bowling ball? You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball Who's killed more indians than John Wayne Union Carbide Man who go to bed with stiff problem wake up in morning with solution in hand. Man who put cream in tart, not necessarily baker. Man with stiff in box, not necessarily undertaker. Man with hand in pocket, always on the ball. Man with hand in another man's pocket, not feeling himself today. Man who paints toilet, not necessarily a shit house painter. Man who puts hand in woman's underwear, get caught red-handed. What has 100 balls & fucks rabbits? A shotgun How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb. None; that's a hardware problem. How many dBase programmers does it take to change a bulb. Three. One to write the bulb removal routine. One to write the new bulb insertion routine, & one bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to do the job at the same time. How many professors does it take to change a bulb. Only one, but he will be able to write six learned articles about the experience. Why did the pig cross the road ? To talk to the other officer on the other side How do you know that a Chinese woman has orgasmed She drops her nail file Why do the Americans have AIDS & we have Kiwis? The Americans had first choice! Why did Michael Jackson call his latest album BAD? Because he couldn't spell PATHETIC! What's the difference between brocoli & snot?? Kids don't like the taste of brocoli..... What's invisible & smells like dog food? A pensioner's fart...... Why was Rock Hudson buried face down?? So all his friends could recognise him. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night---- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure!!!! What's got five legs & a cunt on it's back? A police horse. How do you set a Kiwi up in small business ? Put him into a BIG business & wait. What do you get when you cross a CSIRO Director ? Fired. What's the difference between AIDS & CANCER? With Cancer you still get visitors. Does anyone know how to save an Asian from drowning? No?... Good! End.