Gears '94 WAKE UP SLAPHEADS ! ------------------------- D'you wanna here the truth about stuff ? Good, cus this is the place to be if you want to here the reality of today ! Read on ! "SCRATCH-OFF" CARDS ------------------- I don't think anyone hasn't had one of these small cards drop on their door-mat. You know the type, the ones where you have to scratch off a few silver panels and "if you get three identical symbols - YOU WIN !" Let's just imagine someone who has just received one of these cards :- "Oh, it's some more junk-mail. Well, I'll have a go anyway." SCRATCH...SCRATCH...SCRATCH.... "Oh wow.... I've won... Let's see what I've won." The message on the other side of these cards will say something like this :- `If you're lucky enough to get three identical symbols, you automatically win a prize and the chance to enter our big draw ! All you have to do is phone 0891 blar blar (36p cheap/48p other times - Average length of call = 6 minutes Cost of call = 2.16 cheap) to claim your prize !' The reality of this little message, if you haven't already noticed, is this :- `If you're stupid enough to have believed that this card was any different to the other 64 million that we printed, then you're very daft indeed. All the cards were printed with three identical symbols so you "win" anyway. Phone this 0891 number and watch your phone-bill fly upwards. If you do bother to phone, you'll listen to 5 and a half minutes of waffle where somebody will probably tell you of other 0891, 0898, and 0893 numbers. You will then be sent a prize which probably cost "WinCom" a lot less than your phone-call - probably a biro or something else which doesn't cost much postage.' DJ'S IN AMIGA ADVERTS --------------------- Jakki Brambles ? What the frig does she know ? Let's read a bit of her column, shall we ? `The 14Mhz 68EC020 processor will advance the Amiga CD32 to a high level of technical superiority'...Bag a shite missis... Wake up slapheads ! The damn thing was written for her by some bloke at Indi direct. Jakki and Indi only want the publicity. And what the crap is Bruno Brookes doing ? So what if he's got an Amiga ! I've got one aswell, but that doesn't mean I'm instantly qualified to write my own column in an advert - AND HAVE A SMUG PICCY ALONGSIDE ! Get these talentless twits off Amiga adverts ! Leave them to talk... talk... and do yet more talking on Radio One... Hey, I won't say anything about Radio One... I think you all know what I think of that ...... station. JUKE BOXES ---------- Hey, we've all seen it. You're sitting in a pub or (hey, maybe even..) a youthclub and some tossa puts a completely crap track on. Fortunately, you can always spot them as they are the only one who is dancing to it. After you have punched them quite violently, you'll find out that (if it's a cheap juke-box) all of the songs/tracks/records/CD's are crap. This is especially true if the juke-box still uses vinyl. The selection will probably run something like this :- KYLIE MINOGUE - "I should be so stupid... stupid, stupid, stupid." NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK - "Five guys jumping about and attempting to sing." TAKE THAT - "Five guys jumping about and attempting to sing." EAST 17 - "More blokes jumping about and attempting to sing." WHAM - "Oh my god.... They were really crap, weren't they." JIVE BUNNY - "Let's mix a loadsa old stuff together, and get loadsa money !" MILLI VANILLI - "Girl you know it's not me really singing." DURAN DURAN - "An old song and it's.....oh dear." BRONSKI BEAT - "Hey, remember this group ? Ha ha !" THOMPSON TWINS - "Select this one and everyone will say `Who's that ?'" NICK BERRY - "Soap star makes a song." JASON DONOVAN - "Soap star makes a song." DANII MINOGUE - "Soap star makes a song." CRAIG MOGLAUGHLAN (Or something like that!) - "Soap star makes a song." EVERY OTHER IMAGINABLE AUSSIE SOAP CHARACTER - "Soap star makes a song." Well ! It's like that in the juke-box I've seen ! UK LIVING --------- This is a satellite TV channel which is aimed almost exclusively at women. Wow. Come on fellas, where's our "MAN" channel ? Well, okay... there is the Adult Channel. That costs money and it's only available from mid-night onwards! And they always scramble it just when it gets really interesting. Just when she........AHEM ! Well, anyway.... This channel (UK Living) is the biggest bag of crap that I've ever seen. It is terrible.... really, really terrible. Imagine GMTV 24 hours a day... yes, it's that bad. The Richard and Judy of Satellite is what it is. The schedule is filled with "Agony hours" and "A session with Dr. Ruth on sexual problems" or "Sewing and needlework", "Cookery with Mr. Knob-end", "Beauty-care".... It goes on..... Yawn... WAKE UP SLAPHEADS ! This is not what people want to see ! IT'S CRAP ! Even WOMEN don't want to see it ! Ask yourself - - Who wants ex-Eldorado actors showing us the best way to shop? .... Nobody. - Who wants 15-year old day-time American melo-dramas ? .... Nobody. - Who wants cheap "mega-super-wide-pana-stretcho-vision" films that have been squished onto TV ? Nobody. - Who wants Cathy Dennis ? Me.. certainly. BUY NOW - PAY LATER ------------------- All those shops out there ! Suck on this ! There is an easier way to buy ! It's called STEALING and its very popular all over the world. Robbers usually use the "BUY NOW - DON'T PAY" policy. And what is it with these big sales ? 50 % off ? I don't think so ! If a product costs 100 quid, they will advertise it as "50 per cent off !" and sell it for 90 quid. Oh, but did we forget to tell you that it was the R.R.P (Retailers Recommended Price) that we reduced by 50 % ? The shop tend to forget that 50 % from 100 pounds is 50 quid, and they reduce the RRP of 180 pounds to get the 90 quid figure ! With me so far ? Hope so. Basically, most shops never sell things at the RRP, they are usually cheaper. When was the last time you saw the basic A1200 at its RRP ? Exactly. Shops reduce the RRP to make it look like there is a massive saving.......sloblock. 4 BRITISH TELECOM --------------- Nice one guys.... yeah, digital exchanges. Okay, so they're faster. Okay, so they're a bit clearer. Okay, so you get a woman telling you to "Replace the handset and try again." if you leave it off the hook. But is it perfect ? No. You get a phone call, it's from your boss. He says, "Can you come to work today ?"....hmmm... You don't really want to, so you say that you have an important date or you're going out somewhere. So you leave the phone off the hook to stop anyone else ringing. Big mistake. First you get the woman telling you to replace the handset, then - after about 20 minutes - just when you've climbed into bed (?!), a 2000 decibel alarm noise screeches out of the phone. You wake up and pull the plug out, and throw it to the floor. You wake up the next morning, and the plug it back in. It starts ringing.... you pick it up... all you can here is a clicking noise. You put the phone back down. Later on, it rings again. Not the usual "Pppprrrr..... Ppppppprrrr...", it's one continous ring..... "PPpppppppppppppppprrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr". You pick the phone up....nobody there. You replace the handset, and it starts again "Pppppppppppppprrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." You yank the phone out. Later in the day, you're watching the TV. The phone rings... just once, then stops. A few minutes later... and it does it again.... You ring 151 and tell the engineer that there is something seriously wrong. He checks the line, the exchange, everything.... guess what ? It's all okay.. So he sends a new phone. And guess what ? The same thing happens again. Fun innit ? Ed's note - Actually, since I wrote this everything seems to work fine now. There is still a problem with the prices though....... Face it BT ! You haven't fixed the bugs in your digital exchanges ! You're installing them too fast and they're pissing about with all the phones. And what is it with these phone cables ? FOUR cables ? I don't think so ! We all know that every house only has a couple of very old cables coming from the exchange ! The other 2 or 4, depending, aren't used and are usually wrapped in insulation-tape by the wonderful BT men ! So what if call charges are cheap ? The LINE RENTAL costs way more ! You think that just because you've `improved' the phone system that you can charge more for people to hook onto the line ! I just hope that Mercury / The Cable phone network / Rabbit etc. cause enough competition for you to cut your prices even more than you already have !! EPILOGUE -------- Well, I think that's enough truth for now ! Remember everyone - don't believe anyone unless they're giving you large amounts of money.