Bob Powell & Gears 1994 THE Z=A=M AGONY COLUMN !! ----------------------------- Oh yes, it's back.... This idea has been copied many times by other disk-mags, but we're still the daftest ! Actually, I copied this idea from a girlie mag which was lying about in our 6th form area...... WELL I WAS BORED - OKAY ?!?! Any-"public high"-way, this time Bob Powell (The Masked Artist) from Computer and Design Services came into the article (yes, he did make a bit of a mess) with his crazy questions ! Enjoy ! FROM: BOB POWELL (THE MASKED ARTIST) COMPUTER & DESIGN SERVICES My Amiga's getting old now, it's a Kickstart 0.1 Amiga 250. I bought it back in the long hot summer of 1976 and up until now its never given me any problems. Recently, though, its furry dice keep locking up on me ! The twin exhausts no longer give me the full 3k extra RAM. The printer I am using originally came with a Speccy 48 and the goldfish on the printing head sometimes miss-fire. So so you think if I updated my thin Agnus chip, I could get the fluff out of my belly button easier ? Aswell as multi-tasking with a Bambleweeny Spreadsheet V3 (that's the one with the optional strawberry body lotion and the overhead camshaft) ? My friend offered to swap an Atari STE with 8 Meg and a 40 Meg hard-drive for my set-up. I told him to shove it, and being an artist could draw him diagrams on just what way was the best to achieve it, after all I'm insane not stupid ! GEARS REPLIES: Hmmm...... I don't know about the belly-button problem, but a Cadbury's Boost (it's slightly rippled with a flat underside) could help you shade small insects from light rainfall. If you were using version 5 of the bambleweeny spreadsheet (it has chocolate flavour body lotion and cruise-control) then you could multi-task with several scantily-clad buxom-blondes. Updating your Agnus could be fatal, I mean...look what happened to James Bond when that new bloke came in......it's just not the same, is it ? Well, at least you didn't swap it for an Atari STE !! Tell me, how much does it cost to see your friend with an Atari STE up his orifice ?! FROM: I.M.INNOCENT H.M. PRISON. HELP !!! Let me outta here !!! They've locked me up !!! I'm innocent !! I keep telling them, "Someone planted that thermo-nuclear warhead on me !" but they don't believe me !! They forced my confession !!! Help me please !! I want to get out of here !!! HEEEEEELLLLP !!! GEARS REPLIES: If you can't get an appeal hearing, then plead insanity by telling them you regularly eat several types of dog droppings. If that doesn't work, tell them that you drive an escort XR3I........no, that would just make your situation worse. Your best bet is to get beaten up by the police and then get your solicitor to go to the judge and shout :- "POLICE BRUTALITY !!!! RODNEY KING !!!!! POLICE BRUTALITY !!!!!" That should do the trick. FROM: J. MAJOR 10, DOWNING STREET, I can't control the Government ! And I can't believe that I actually did it with Norma !! Oh no !! And I keep dreaming about that blonde one from Abba ! Help me Gears ! I can't do it any more ! GEARS REPLIES: I'd get the Monster Raving Looney Party to take over. They seem to have more sanity than any of the present partys do. As for Norma...... I don't know what you could do.... you really are a sad man. Erm... The blonde one from Abba... Well, I hope you're talking about the blonde GIRL and not the blonde bloke ! FROM: MARY WHITEHOUSE EX-HEAD OF THE GROUP FOR DECENT AND PROPER BROADCASTING WHICH DOESN'T HAVE ANY RUDE BITS OR SWEARING IN IT. I find your "mag" most vulgar. You hold biased, opinionated views which are warping the minds of your readers. If you do not stop this disgusting behaviour I will have to murder you most violently. I also hope that you do not change or edit my letter. Buttocks! Please reply in a sensible way which will not offend. Thank you. GEARS REPLIES: Suck on this Mary ! I hate you, and people like you. You try to ban programmes on TV which contain 1 or 2 swear words, and you're a boring twerp aswell. You're not going to stop me or this mag so nerr. The PD scene is alive but if people like you get their way, it won't be. Go and watch Rainbow ya big sweaty wulrus. FROM: TIDDLES SOMEWHERE DOWN THE ROAD Meeeoooow... meeeeoooww.....meow.......meeewwww......hissssss..... hissss.....meow.....meeeeeeuuuuwwww.....mewowowoiwowowwww..... GEARS REPLIES: I see... Well, you could try rotating the mouse on a stick...... this will ensure that it is cooked evenly. As for the problem with the multi-plexing trans-warp drive, you could isolate the tritanium and do a level 3 ship-wide diagnostic. FROM: THE EDITOR ANOTHER DISK-MAG You stupid little tight-arsed git ! Can't you get your own friggin` ideas ? We started the agony column in 1584 A.D. so nerr. Why don't you shove your "ZAM" right up your fat hairy ... (LET'S HAVE LESS OF THAT ! - ED) GEARS REPLIES: Do you know how much money I would have to spend just to buy a years worth of disk-mags from the "Licenceware" catalogues ? Loads... Too much money in my opinion. Why do disk-mags have to argue anyway ? Can't we all live in the same world and share things ? All we need is love.... la la la laaaar... Oh no, I think I'm going to be sick..... BLLLLLLLLLEEEEERRRGGGGHHH.... FROM: Mr. S. ERIOUS. LONDON. I recently got your journal from a local PD library. I want to know why you seem to dislike the Government and the Monarchy so much. I voted Conservative in the last election and I have not regretted it, I love the Queen and I refuse to get another issue of your magazine if you continue to bad-mouth them. GEARS REPLIES: Oh fuck you. Sorry, but I have to say it. What have the Tories done ? They've closed down nearly every coal mine in the UK so they can import more expensive coal from Germany and elsewhere. This government is crooked, and they must be getting "back-handers" from certain companies for doing this. Nearly 3 million people are unemployed and the education system is up the swanney. Take the EuroTunnel as an example - it's nearly complete, and so are the French rail links, stations, lines etc. Look at the english end, sweet Fanny Addams. The direct link from London the the EuroTunnel won't be finished until 2004 ! And what about the link to Birmingham ? They estimate it'll be finished in 2013 ! And as for the royal family ! What the fuck have they ever done for me ? Bugger all, that's what. They nab my taxes to restore their house, and they even charge people 8 quid just to walk round it ! Piffle... Go suck a lolly. Send us your problems ! Just hit that REPLY button and get typing !! Complete confidentiality is NOT given (unless you're a very gorgeous female)