@3 STAR TREK: THE CHEERS GENERATION. @1 [Scene opens in the bar, and it is already open, and many different races fill the place. Scotty is standing behind the bar, Uhurah is serving a group of Vulcans, and Chekov is sitting on the corner, facing the door.] Voice from Off screen: Star Trek is written before a live audience [Door opens, and Sulu walks in. He is wearing a post office suit, and carrying a mail bag. Audience applauds.] Audience: Applaud applaud Sulu: [Taking a seat next to Chekov] What a day. I had loads of mail to deliver. Scotty: Ay laddy. What'l it be? Sulu: Oh, a Vulcan grape juice please. Scotty: Ah, sorry laddy, but the grape juice is off. Here, have a wee drop of scotch. [Scotty hands the glass over to Sulu. Uhurah comes back to the bar.] Uhurah: The Vulcans would like [Adopts a very fake (and rather silly) Scottish accent.] A wee drop of scotch. Scotty: [Smiling] Just the ticket. Chekov: Dwinks all wound. [Audience hoots with laughter. Kirk opens the door.] Kirk: Ah, Mr. Scott... Scotty: [To Kirk] Ay sir. I'm working on it. It'll be ready in 20 lines, but ya donna have 20 lines, so I'll go 'n' do it in 8 for ya. Here, stay and have a wee drink. Kirk: [Taking a seat.] Thank you Mr. Scott. [Scene changes into an old fashioned solar system, with black and white photo's. Scotty's voice can be heard singing off camera.] Scotty: Makin' ya way through space today takes more than I can give ya. Takin' a break from all ya problems sure would help ya pah. Sometimes ya wanna go where everyone knows ya name, and the stories ar' just the same. Ya wanna go where no one has gone before, and ya know ya want more. Ya wanna go where everyone knows ya name. [Cut to scenes of the space station. Then cut back to the bar. Main door opens and Bones walks in.] Bones: [Talking a seat] Well, hello everybody. Kirk: Don't mince words bones. [The back door opens slightly, and a womans voice shouts out.] Womans Voice: [Shouting out] Scotty, can you come in here a minute please. Scotty: Ah, I must be on me way. Uhurah, you have the bar. Uhurah: Eye sir. [Scotty walks into the back room, and the scene cuts to there. Savvik is here.] Saavik: Ah, Mr. Scott. I wish you would stop inviting all your star fleet friends over here. Scotty: But sir, what would the story be like if it weren't for characters that the reader could relate to. Saavik: Look, I bought this bar off you fair and square... [Scene cuts back to main bar. New comers include: Spock, Picard, Riker, Major Kira and Odo] Picard: [To Odo] I don't believe that we have had the pleasure. Jean Luc Picard, Federation ship Enterprise. Odo: Hello captain. Odo security chief Federation station Deep Space 9 [(Just incase you were wondering who he was)] Riker: I didn't know that DS9 was a federation station. Kira: It's not. It's bloody Bajoran. I wish you stop saying it's a federation station. It's not. Odo: But that's what the man in the trailer says. Spock: Fascinating. Riker: [To Spock] I don't believe that we have had the pleasure. Spock: What pleasure would that be then Commander that we have not yet shared in the same place, and at the same time? Riker: Eh? Picard: [To Riker] He doesn't understand you. Riker: I don't understand him. If only Data was here. [The main door opens, and Data walks in.] Data: Hello Captain, Commander, First officer on the original ship, Major, security chief, Navigator and weapons controller, Doctor, communications officer, and Mail man Sulu. Sulu: Boo hoo. I must be the most hated character in the entire of Star trek. Spock: That is by now means certain. There is still yet to arrive on our screens, either here, or over in America, or any place for that matter, a new series of Star trek. The reason for this not to have be shown any where as of this stardate, is for the simple, and main, whilst still being particularly important reason, that the series in question has not yet begun to have the main work commenced upon it, there by meaning that it is not yet made, and is not ready to be shown to the world. Sulu: Yawn. Spock: And so by this means of deduction we can establish the fact... Data: Ah, yes. We can infact establish the fact that because work has not yet commenced upon this great new project, and the cast has not yet been selected, they may find a character even more hatable than yourself, Mr. Sulu, and possibly even more hatable than our own dear Wesley Crusher, although the odds against it are currently three thousand two hundred and twenty seven to one. Spock: Fascinating. Riker: Excuse me please, Mr. Spock. I have noticed that you have said the word fascinating several times in the last few sentences. Spock: In deed you have. Picard: Sorry? Spock: Oh, wrong script. Ah yes. Well, you see it is infact a sort of catchphrase of mine, just as our good old doctor has the phrase of I'm not a such and such, I'm a doctor, and that... Riker: Thank you. [Main door opens, and Worf walks in. Several steps behind him is a small Klingon boy.] Worf: This is a bar Alexander. Can you say Bar? Alex: B-A-R. Data: Ah, a very good attempt at a noise of a sheep. I once took lessons on the holodeck on imitating farmyard animals. Worf: I am teaching my son the basics of life. Data: Moooooooo. [Scotty emerges from the back, and stand back at the bar.] Scotty: A hello again Mr. Worf. Scotch? Worf: Yes please. And a milk for my son. I am teaching him the basic of life. Data: Cluck Cluck. Scotty: Ah, in that case, he needs a good scotch inside of him. Worf: If it will make him as strong as his father. Scotty: Ay that it will. Data: Neigh Neigh. Sulu: Does he have an off switch? Worf: How dare you accuse my son of having an off switch. Sulu: Now, I meant that android. Data: Cheap Cheap. Riker: Only Doctor crusher knows where it is. Data: Snarl snarl. Gnash Gnash. Picard: Don't forget Lore. Riker: Who? Picard: Data's brother. Riker: Oh him. How could I forget. Scotty: What? Ya androids got a brother? Data: Gobble Gobble. Picard: Yes, and a daughter. Riker: Oh, yeah. I forgot about Lal. Picard: Well, don't number one. [Suddenly, a bright flash of light appears, and Q emerges.] Q: Mon capatain. Picard: Oh shit. Q: Did you forget about me? Riker: Fortunately. Sulu: Whose this? Q: I am Q, of the Q continuum. I am bloody powerful, and can do anything at all. Scotty: Bet ya can't beat me at a drinking contest. Q: I could do anything I wished. Picard: That sounds a good idea Mr. Scott. Make it so. Data: Sulu: What was that? Spock: I believe that it was supposed to be an approximation of a rabbit. I must say that it was... Odo: I have many things approximated. Kira: Sounds painful. Data: Warble Warble. Scotty: [Pouring out drinks] Right. here we are Mr. Q. Scotch. Drink up. [Q downs his scotch in one. Scotty does likewise, then pours out another.] Kira: I wonder who will win. Sulu: Scotty will. He can out drink anything. Picard: Don't bet on it. Q can do anything. ANYTHING. Sulu, Chekov, Uhurah, Kirk, Spock and Savvik: [Chanting] Scotty. Scotty. Scotty. Scotty. Picard, Riker, Worf, Alex: [Chanting] Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Data: Woof. Sulu, Chekov, Uhurah, Kirk, Spock and Savvik: [Still chanting ] Scotty.Scotty. Scotty. Scotty. Picard, Riker, Worf, Alex: [Still chanting] Q. Q. Q. Q. Q. Data: Meow. Kira: [To Odo] Well, I don't know who to cheer for. Odo: I hate to admit it, Major. But there is ONE person on DS9 who could out drink any of them. Kira: You don't mean... Odo: I'm afraid so. Kira: I suppose I better call him. [Kira taps her badge.] Kira: Kira to ops. [Creaky voice comes out other side] Creaky voice: Go ahead Major. Kira: Chief. We need help here. Odo: I don't believe I am doing this. Chief O'brien: He's on his way now, Major. Odo: Tell me I'm having a nightmare. [The main door opens, and.... ------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK.------------------ [Scene cuts to a large hall with a table in the middle. On the table is loads of plates, and cups, and things. Guinan appears next to the table, and starts walking down it.] Guinan: Washing up all these plates used to be a pain in the neck. But now... [She holds her arm out, as if holding an imaginary bottle. The whole table then disappears.] Guinan: I just trash the lot, and replicate all the new ones. ----------------------End of Break--------------------- [The door opens, and Quark walks in.] Odo: I do not belieeeeeeeve it. Kira: Good impression. Quark: Hello Odo, [Changes tone.] Hello again Major. I believe that you need my help. Odo: Well Quark. How good are you at drinking your own drinks? Quark: What are you accusing me of this time constable? Odo: Nothing really Quark. I just thought that from all the drinks that you serve, I never see you drink any of them. How well could you stand up against this Scotty, or Q? Quark: Well, I can certainly try. [To Q and Scotty.] Drinks please. [Scotty pours out a drink for him, Q, and Quark. All three down them in one. Scotty then pours them another.] Odo: You know Major. This could go on all night. Kira: I know. Perhaps we should skip through a few hours. [A few hours later.] [Scotty pours a drink for him, Q and Quark, and they all down it in one. Scotty then pours out another.] Odo: Well, I did say. Kira: It's just a shame that some of the characters had to leave so soon. Odo: Well, the Next Generation lot had to get back because they are on every day, where as us three and the original series aren't on any more. Kira: I thought we had the weekend slot. Odo: Apparently not. They rushed through the last four episodes, and have now got some other crap on instead. Kira: I'VE just thought. This is getting rather political isn't it? Odo: I suppose so. Chekov: I vet wou thought I had goine avay? Kira: Of course not. Your on the redundant list too. [Suddenly, Kira's badge bleeps. O'briens voice is heard.] O'Brien: Major, Constable. We need you back now. Odo: But, they haven't finished the contest yet. O'Brien: Sisko's orders. He said immediately. Kira: I'm going to kill him. [Odo and Kira beam up, leaving Scotty, Q, Quark, Kirk, Chekov, Uhurah, Bones, Sulu and Spock. Scotty pours out another drink for him, Q and Quark and blah blah.] Spock: This really is most interesting. Quark: (Burp) What happened (Hic) to (Belch) Odo and Major? Kirk: They apparently had to leave. Bones: I wish I could leave. I haven't had that many lines you know. I'm an actor dammit... Chekov: Fank you Doctor. Q: Can't you speak properly? Sulu: [Laughing] He can't speak properly at all. I should know. I sat next to him for 2 seasons. Chekov: Just because I vas bought in late. [Door opens, and Khan walks in. He is rather Bloody, and slightly battered. Kirk shit himself.] Chekov: Khan!!!!!!! [Khan walks towards the crowd.] Khan: [Points at Q and Quark] I don't know you...[Points at Sulu] But you, Mr. CHEKOV. I never forget a face. [Sulu, Chekov and Bones burst into laughter.] Kirk: So Khan. Finally crawled out from that rock? [Turns to Spock] [Quietly] Did I just say that? Spock: Considering the fact that your lips moved in exact shinchronisation as the words, then there is a good probability that those words were spoken by yourself. Khan: What??????? Q: What the hell is going on? Look, I came here because my good buddy Johnny luc was here, and I end up in the middle of a drinking contest, with a bloke of people I have never met, and some crazy bloke who looks like he just survived a missile explosion. Spock: Speaking of that, how did you survive? Khan: Ah, a good thing you asked me that, Mr...[Fumbles for the right words]...Spook. You see when the Psalms missile was fired, something happened to me, and although it seems rather hazy at the moment, I can't quite remember what happened. Bones: I would say he's 3 blokes short of an army. Khan: [Thinking] Army....Army... Ah, It's all starting to come back. I hate you don't I Captain.... er... John B Burke? Kirk: Group discussion!!!! [All of his crew gathers around him.] Kirk: I believe that out friend Khan here, is slightly mad. Bones: That explosion must have knocked out some of his brain cells. Spock: What can we do now then? What I mean to say is, thereby more so however, is how can we make a good escape so's to avert any life threatening incidents? Bones: You green bloodied Vulcan. Spock: As you should be aware there, doctor, I am not a whole, 100 percent, absolutely and completely human. Thereby saying that I am... Kirk: Please, lets get back to what's at hand. What do we do about Khan? Chekov: Lets kill 'im. Sulu: That sounds a bit harsh Kirk: No, Chekov is right. We must destroy him now. Group discussion over. [They all jump back to there seats, and stare at Khan.] Scotty: Ah, Mr Khan. Would ya like a scotch? On the house? Khan: I prefer a pure American. Say, this captain here. KIRK Spock: It would appear that the aforementioned villain, there in Khan, is not really suffering from amnesia, but has in fact.. [Khan hits Spock over the head.] Kirk: Khan. Why did you do that? Khan: He bores me, captain. Q: This is getting silly. Look, what happened to my friend Jean-Luc? Scotty: Ah laddy, I think ya'll be findin' that this is more important than the cap'n. Q: Nothing is more important than Picard. [Q snaps his fingers, and Khan freezes.] Q: Now. Where did he go? Kirk: You, you, you...You could that? Q: Of course. Didn't I mention that I was a powerful being? Bones: You green,...red,...Black....What color blood do you have anyway? Q: Blood is for mortals. Now. I'm getting impatient. What happened to Picard? Kirk: He had to leave. Q: Why? Kirk: He and his crew are on nearly everyday. Q: Then I should go too. i shall just unfreeze this nice Mr. Kha... Kirk: No! Don't please. Q: Oh alright. If you insist. [Q vanishes.] Quark: Well Who won then? Scotty: I believe that I did. Quark: Ha! [Quark flicks his comm badge] Chief? Chief: Yes? Quark: Beam me up, O'Brien. [Quark vanishes too.] Kirk: Well, it's just us then. Together as it's always been. Sulu: And Khan. Kirk: Quick, lets's get out of here before he escapes again. [Kirk, Sulu, Uhurah, Chekov and Bones run out, carrying Spock between them. Scotty is left all on his own with the frozen body of Khan.] Scotty: Ah well. All's well that ends well. [Scotty walks out, switching off the lights.]