Hacked by SHAGRATT off a PD PC disk, yes it was protected! Each character had been EOR'ed with a number, then 02 put inbetween each character, which made the files (which i've linked) nearly 320k, Now there just 52k unpacked. CHAPTER ONE - THE PICK OF THE LITTER On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw herself into the sea and drowned in despair, despite a young passerby's attempts to save her. The man dragged the half nude body ashore and left it on the sand to call the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find a second man making love to the corpse. "Monsieur!" he shouted, "that woman is dead!" "Sacre Bleu!" the man replied, springing up. "I thought she was an American girl." Why do women sky divers wear tampons? So they won't whistle on the way down. A man with an exceptionally long penis goes to a surgeon and asks him to cut off a part of it, saying, "Please Doc, you gotta do it. Every time I hiccup on the toilet, it siphons all the water out of the bowl." What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About four drinks. Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" A man called his doctor and told him he had a problem with his wife - she has a bowel movement at seven o'clock every morning. "That's perfectly normal," the doctor said. "But we don't get out of bed until nine!" These two drunks at a bar go to the bathroom to piss. When they are done, one of them forgets to zip up his fly. So after they sit back down, one drunk says, "Hey I saw a snake sitting on that stool as you sat down. As a matter of fact, I can still see it's head." So he grabs a bottle, and smashes it onto the other man's penis. "Hit it again," says the other man, "it just bit me." There was this little girl staring out her bedroom window, watching two dogs screw in the street. In curiosity she called for her father to explain what they were doing. Her father entered the room and asked what was wrong. The girl then said, "Father what are those two dogs doing ?" The father hesitantly replied, "Why, one of the dogs got hurt, and the other is helping it to an animal hospital." The girl jumped to her feet and said, "It's just like with humans, Daddy, you try to help someone and you get fucked!" A young man is visiting his future wife's parent's house for dinner. Unfortunatly, he is not feeling too well, but he sits down for dinner anyway. The family dog, Spot, takes a seat under him and they start dinner. Well, the guy REALLY has to fart, so he lets out just a tiny one. The girlfriend's mothers says, "Spot! No!". The guy thinks this is really great, the dog will get blamed. He lets a little bigger one this time. The mother says, "Spot!! No! Please!" in a little harsher tone. The guy finally decides to really let one rip, so he blasts away with a real long one. The mother yells, "Spot! Get out of there before he shits on you!". Two guys are lost in the desert, starving to death. Just before they die of hunger, they find a huge mound of camel manure. One guy says that he thinks they should eat it. The other guy says, "What kind of person do think I am?" So the first guy picks up the camel dung, and moistens it by pissing on it. Then be begins to eat it. He can only get about half of it down before he starts to throw up. The other guy rushes over with his hands cupped, saying, "Just what I wanted. A nice hot meal." (Tell THAT one at dinner at your parents house!) The doctor wanted to write a prescription, so he reached in his pocket and pulled out a thermometer. "Shit," he muttered, "Some asshole has my pen." When a bug hits the windshield of your car, what's the last thing that goes through its mind before it dies? It's asshole. What has 18 legs and tits? The Supreme Court. What is the ultimate rejection? When you're jerking yourself off, and your hand falls asleep. Did you see Roman Polanski's new movie? Close Encounters With The Third Grade. A good one-on-one line to a woman: "Do you know the difference between a Big Mac and a blow job?" (Hopefully the reply is "No") "Well then, how about lunch tomorrow?" What does an elephant use for a vibrator? An epileptic pygmy. What is the difference between an angry rooster and a lawyer? In the morning a rooster gets up and clucks defiance. This guy walks into a bar and orders a double. After the bartender hands him the drink, he pours it down and says, "Give me another." The bartender says, "Hey pal, what are we celebrating?" and the guy says, "My first blow job." "All right!" says the bartender. "Have one on the house!" The guy says, "Keep 'em coming, I've just got to get this taste out of my mouth!" What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years the job still sucks! Have you heard that Karen Carpenter's surviving brother, Richard, has put out a new hit song? It's called, "She Ain't Heavy, She's My Sister." Do you know why Santa Claus doesn't have any children? Because, he only comes once a year and then it's down a chimney. What are two things in the air that can make a woman pregnant? Her legs! Two perfect strangers were talking to each other. One of them said, "If you were to wake up in the woods with vaseline smeared all over your ass, would you tell anyone?" The other one said, "Of course not!" The first man said, "Oh, then would you like to go camping?" How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. A man sat at the bedside of his dying wife. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Darling," she said, "I have a confession to make. I'm the one who took $25,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend. I was the one who paid your mistress to leave town. And I reported your income tax evasion to the I.R.S. Can you ever forgive me?" "Of course, dear," the man said. "I'm the one who poisoned you." The girl asked her date, "What do you think of anal sex?" "Ugh," the guy exclaimed. "I couldn't stick my prick up anyone's rear unless I was stone drunk." "The whiskey's in the top left cabinet," she said. "You're such an asshole, you should be listed in the Guinness Book of Rectums!" Why are pubic hairs curly? You'd poke your eye out if they weren't! Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If i don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car." The traveling salesman took the cute young pickup to a motel in the early afternoon. As he was pumping away, she gasped, "There's a man in the room with us!" "The hell with the hotel dick," he grunted without missing a stroke. "It ain't him," she squealed. "It's the truant officer!" CHAPTER TWO - GOD'S PEOPLE One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. This man was OLD! He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shakey voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there. "I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet," states the old man. Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?" The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinnochio?" God decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," God said. "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned. Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my ass off". A third advisor suggested Earth. "That's the worst," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of knocking up some Jewish bitch!" A workman is atop a ladder repainting the interior of a church. As he is painting, the brush slips out of his hand and plops messily to the floor. "Son of a Bitch!" he exclaims as he climbs down the ladder. Suddenly, he notices Mother Superior standing nearby with a large frown. "Young man," says the sister, "Profanity in the house of the Lord is not acceptible. If you must say something, just say, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph." The workman thanks her for her forgiveness, and goes about his painting. Soon afterwards, he again drops the brush, and mutters, "SON OF A -- Jesus, Mary, and Joseph." As he turns for Mother Superior's approval, the paintbrush levitates up off the floor and back into the astonished workman's hand! He is speechless as Mother Superior exclaims, "SON OF A BITCH!" What do a Nun and '7-UP' have in common? Never had it - Never will! Three nuns got lost downtown and ran into some not so clean guys. They go to the Mother Superior and the first nun says, "I saw this man's penis what should I do?" Mother Superior says, "Go wash out your eyes with holy water." The second nun comes up and says, "I touched a man's penis what should I do?" Mother Superior says, "Go wash your hands with holy water". While the first two nuns are cleansing themselves with holy water the third nun shouts, "Stand aside I have to gargle!" The Pope and God were conversing the other day, and the Pope said, "Hey God, I've got good news and I've got bad news." God replied, "Well I have always liked good news before bad so ..." and the Pope responded, "Well we finally have been able to unite all the known religions on Earth under one name." God says, "Well that is just great, I have been trying for six thousand years, and you did it in less than two thousand. Now what is the bad news?" "We have to relocate the Vatican to Salt Lake City." Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" She says, "Oh thats easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven. So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?" She says "Oh thats easy that was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven. So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven! Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," said one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?" "I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?" One night the Pope is saying his bedtime prayers when God Himself comes down from heaven to listen to them. Then sitting on the Pope's bed, He says, "Listen, you've been a such good Pope and devoted follower that I'm going to grant you any wish you'd like." The Pope is overcome with emotion, and for a little while he can't think of anything to say, but then he confesses to one thing that really gets to him. "As you know God," he says, "I'm very attached to my country of origin. And one thing that really irritates me sometimes is all those stupid Polish Jokes." "No problem," says God magnanimously. "From this moment on, there shall be no more Polish jokes." Smiling, he says, "Listen, I have to be getting back to heaven, but before I take off, is there anything else I can do?" The Pope thinks and thinks, finally comes out with it. "Abolish M & M's," he pronounces. "M & M's?" says God. "Gee, I've always thought they were harmless enough, melting in your mouth and all ... but I'll be glad to abolish them if it really means a lot to you." "Well you see," says the Pope, "I'm not getting any younger and it's getting harder and harder to peel them." Jesus and Moses went to play golf. On the third hole, there is a lake to hit over. Jesus gets out a two iron and Moses says, "You should use a wood or it will go in the water." Jesus says, "Jack Nicklaus uses a two iron on this hole, so I'm sure I can." He hits the ball,and sure enough, it splashes into the water. Moses parts the water, walks out and retrieves the ball. "Now," he says, "use a wood." "No way," Jesus replies, "If Nicklaus can use a two iron, so can I." Again, it goes straight into the lake. As Jesus is walking around on the water looking for his ball, another golfer sees him and asks Moses in amazement, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses shakes his head sadly, "No, Jack Nicklaus!" How can you tell when you enter a gay church? Only half the congregation are on their knees. Catholic kid: Our Priest knows more than your Rabbi! Jewish kid: Of course he does, you Catholics tell him everything. A priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi meet on a plane. To pass time they discuss their pay. The Priest says, "Well, after Mass, I draw a line on my floor and throw the money from the collection plate in the air. What lands on one side is for God, and what lands on the other is mine." The minister says,"I do almost the same thing, except that I draw a circle on the floor. What falls inside the circle is for God, and what falls outside the circle is mine." The Rabbi smiles, "I too do nearly the same. I too throw the money in the air. What God wants, He keeps. The rest is mine." Once upon a time there was a monk who had spent most of adult life in a monastery. He got his first chance to go to town and he took it. He met many women who were somewhat scantily clad and said, "Five bucks for a quickie." The monk, not knowing what to do, blessed them and continued on his way. The next day he wemt over to the convent and met with Mother Superior. He asked her, "What exactly is a quickie?" and she answered, "Five bucks, same as in town." What is the difference between sin and shame? It is a sin to put it in, and a shame to pull it out. If Eve wore a figleaf in the Garden of Eden, what did Adam wear? A hole in it! NEWS FLASH: The Rev. Jerry Falwell, of Moral Majority fame, has passed a bill through Congress making it illegal to look down while taking a shower. "I don't care who your father is, you drop that cross one more time and you're out of the parade!" What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye damn near killed him! Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms? They fall through the holes in his hands CHAPTER THREE - SHE ROLLS HER OWN A wealthy business executive (W.E.) needed some information from the safe in his bedroom while he was at work. He called his wife to open the safe and give him the information. The following conversation ensued: Maid: Hello? W.E.: May I speak to the missus please? Maid: I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone. W.E.: Where is she? It's important! Maid: She's in the bedroom. W.E.: Well, wake her up! Maid: She's not sleeping. W.E.: What is she doing? Maid: I'd rather not say. W.E.: Is someone else in there with her? Maid: Well ... yes. W.E.: (shocked) How long has this been going on? Maid: Oh, a couple of months. W.E.: Okay, here's what I want you to do. Go to the desk in my den, get the gun out of the bottom drawer, and shoot both of them! Maid: Oh no! I couldn't do that! W.E.: Do you approve of what has been going on? Maid: No, sir, I don't! W.E.: Who are you going to side with anyhow? Maid: Oh, you sir! W.E.: Okay, then get the gun and do it! (A long silence follows, punctuated by ...BANG ...BANG) Maid: (Crying) Oh, this is terrible, what ever can we do? W.E.: Are they both dead? Maid: Yes. W.E.: Okay, drag the bodies down by the swimming pool and I will come by and pick them up. Maid: But... We don't have a swimming pool! W.E.: ... Isn't this 555-4228? Confucious says, "Man who stands on toilet seat is high on pot" "Woman who flys upside down always has crack up" "Man who farts in church sits in own pew" "Man who screw in graveyard fucking near dead!" What is the speed limit of sex? 68, at 69 you have to turn around! Why won't a rattlesnake bite a lawyer? Professional courtesy. A travelling salesman is stuck in the country and must stay at a farm for the night. The farmer tells the salesman to stay away from his daughter, but the visitor tells him not to worry because his penis was shot off in the war. In the middle of the night, the farmer finds the salesman humping away on his daughter. The man replies, "Yes, my penis was shot off in the war, but it left a nine inch stub." What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball? You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball! What is the difference between a sorority girl and a Lamborghini? Not everyone has been in a Lamborghini! What does a sorority girl do when she wakes up? She goes home! Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet? A toilet dosen't follow you around for two weeks after you use it! How many people from California does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs. DEFINITION - Antenna coupling: Insect's foreplay What do you do with 365 used rubbers? Tie them together, make it a tire, and call it a good year. A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun. The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes." "Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?" "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away. The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?" "25," he says. "Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?" The truth is that sex is the most fun you can have without laughing! A little known area of sick jokes are the "Other Than That' type. For example: Other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, how was the parade? Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play? Other than that, General Custer, how was the Little Big Horn? Other than that, Mrs. O'Leary, how did the milking go? Two Hells Angels talking. "How's married life?" asks the first. "It's fine," says the second. "How's the sex?" asks the first. "Fine," says the second, "At least you don't have to wait in line!" What did Grace Kelly have that Natalie Wood could have used? A good stroke! A small business was doing very poorly, and the situation came up where an employee had to be laid off, either Mary or Jack. The boss brought both of them into his office, and said to Mary, "I will have to lay you or Jack off." What's the difference between a bunch of pygmy geniuses and a girls track team? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts! You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't roll your friends into little green balls. A guy, in his cups and getting horny saunters over to a blonde seated at the bar. Attempting to make conversation, he says, "Hi, there." "Hello," she answers. He clears his throat and says, "Uh, say, do you like cocktails?" "You bet!" she answers. "Tell me a few!" The young man goes to Alaska to pan for gold, and he's stuck out in the middle of nowhere. He gets horny and goes into town. Stopping at the small town's only bar, he says to the bartender, "Where do you go for tail around here." The bartender looks him over and says, "No women here. But if you're really hard up, we have old Charlie in the back room." The guy shakes his head and goes back to the woods. Six months later, he can't take it any more, so he goes back to the small town and approaches the bartender. "I don't like it, but I got to have something." The bartender nods to two guys who go into the back room and come out with this guy struggling and screaming between them. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Old Charlie don't like it much, either." Why don't cowboys make good lovers? Because they think a good ride is eight seconds. How do you tell if a woman is macho? She rolls her own tampons. CHAPTER FOUR - UNIFORMITY Once opon at time there was a great land war between the U.S. and China. A young boy was drafted, trained, and sent to the front. The supply sergeant told him they were out of guns and he would have to use a broom. The boy said "What do I do with this?". The sergeant said "Just point it and say "Bang Bang". The boy did not believe but the sergeant insisted so he went on to the front. He gave it a try "Bang Bang" and a Chinaman dropped dead. The boy continued this way even though he didn't understand. There were many Chinese however and they kept coming wave after wave. The boy finally returned to the sergeant to get an explanation. The sergeant tied a string to the broom and said, "If they get to close just say "Stab Stab". The boy wasn't sure but "Bang Bang" had worked so he decided to give it a try. It worked fine and all went well with "Bang Bang" and "Stab Stab" until one particular Chinaman came over the hill. The boy pointed his broom and said "Bang Bang". The Chinaman came on walking stiffly and rocking from side to side. He got close and the boy said "Stab Stab". The Chinaman continued right over the boy crushing him into the ground. As the boy lay broken he could hear the Chinaman walking on and saying "Tankety Tankety Tank!" Bill joined the foreign legion, and was assigned to a fort, way out in the Sahara desert, far from any town. During his orientation session, he asked the sergeant what the legionnaires did when they had to relieve their urge. "The desert provides, son," the sergeant said. "When you feel the need at night go to the hut by the palm tree outside the fort. There's a hole in the side. Stick your dick in the hole and you'll get relief." Bill was very skeptical, but soon he was about to go out of his skull. He waited until the sun descended, then ran out to the hut and stuck his dick in the hole. sure enough, a pair of warm lips surrounded his member and quickly brought him to ecstasy. Bill suddenly had a new view of life in the legion. He visited the hut the next night and the third. But on the fourth night, when he thrust his penis in, nothing happened. He rushed back, found the sergeant and asked him what the hell was going on. "Forgot to tell you," the sergeant said, "it's your night to sit in the hut." What do women and airplanes have in common? They both have cockpits! Two plastic surgeons are talking about their recent operations, and one mentions that he grafted tits onto a sailor's back sometime ago. "Was it a success?" asks the other. "Incredibly!" says the first. "I did it on a percentage basis, and if his asshole holds out, we'll be millionaires pretty soon." If you could choose any nose in the whole wide world, which would you pick? What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other hand? One hell of a big moth! Why did the minister get AIDS? He didn't wash his organ between hims. What's the name of a place where midgets can go and spend the night without paying anything? A stay free minipad. Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun, But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son. Once a carrot and a dick were comparing their days. The carrot said "What a day! They almost tried to cut me up for stew!" The dick interrupted, "You think you had it rough! Today they woke me up early, told me to stand at attention, put a bag over my head, shoved me down a dark hole, and made me do push-ups until I puked!" Once there was a guy who was shipwrecked on a desert island with six beautiful girls. He fucked one each day except Sunday. At first this was fun but after a while it got to be boring and dull, and he began to look forward to his Sundays. One day he spotted a fellow clinging to a log out in the ocean. He swam out and dragged the poor unconsious man back to shore. He began to give the man artificial respiration and after a while the man woke up and began to kiss him back. The guy, surprised, pulled back. Then he smiled ruefully and said, "Well, there go my Sundays." This very old couple were sitting on the porch rocking when suddenly the old woman knocked the old guy out of his chair and off of the porch. He got up and dusted himself off and asked her, "Why did you hit me?" She told him, "It is because your dick is too small!" He sat back down and then suddenly he knocks her out of her chair and off of the porch. She asked him, "Why did you hit me?" He replies, "Because after 55 years you know there's a difference!" Frank and Matt at SpaceShot Software have been working on building the Ultimate Computer for years now. When they finished last week the first thing they asked it was, "Is there a God?" The Computer replied, "There is now!" What do you call a dog with no legs??? Doesn't matter - he won't come when you call anyway. What do you call a dog with no legs??? Cigarette. Even though he won't come when you call, you can always take him out for a drag. A truckers son was playing outside when the trucker decided to watch TV. The boy soon came to the patio, slung the door open, ate a jelly bean, bit the cat on the ear and ran off. He did this a few more times until the dad stopped him and asked what he was doing. The boy replied he was playing trucker. When the dad asked him to explain the boy said, "I doing like a trucker, poppin pills, eating pussy and haulin ass." What did one sperm say to the other?? "Leggo my Eggo!" How can you prove that Jerry Falwell is right? He didn't evolve. What's the Ronald Reagan Bucket at Kentucky Fried Chicken? All right wings and assholes. What is the definition of a REAL woman? One who kick-starts her vibrator! Whats blue and comes in Brownies? Cub scouts What's gray and comes in quarts? Elephants A lovelorn young man wrote to an advice columnist as follows: Dear Abby, I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I think she's the one for me. There's just one problem - I can't remember from our first date if she told me she had T.B. or V.D. What should I do? -Confused Abby replies: Dear Confused, If she coughs, fuck her. What does this awful illness abbreviation stand for? Another Infected Dick Sucker DEFINITION - Relaxation oscillator: Vibrator What do you get if you cross a whore and a computer? A fucking know-it-all. What do you get when you cross a computer and a gorilla? A Hairy Reasoner! Why did God create men? Cucumbers don't take out the garbage. How many programmers does it take to replace a light bulb? None, that's obviously a hardware problem. Do you know what a dentist is? That's a guy who puts his hand in your wallet and says, "Open wide" CHAPTER FIVE - SMELLIN' HELEN What is the perfect ten? A woman about waist high with no teeth and a flat head to rest your drink on! Bo Derek is so stupid, she had to study in order to pass a pap test. ATTENTION: For those of you who are tired of Bo Derek's old movies, I propose a new system of meat classification - the Helen. It works like this: If Helen of Troy was the face that launched a thousand ships, then a milli-Helen is the amount of beauty that is required to launch a single ship. How can you tell if a girl is wearing pantyhose? When she farts, her ankles swell. Did you hear about the new song that Michael Jackson and Boy George are working on? It's called "I'll Beat It For You!" What do you call a hooker's kids? Brothel sprouts What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Three more bullets. So you think YOU have problems with a Hare-lip? One day on a busy street corner a huge man walks up to a police officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee thid, and thacramento ith?" The police officer didn't reply at all. The large man then asked again, but still no reply. Finally the frustrated man walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied, "Thure and dit the thit ticked out of me!" Hear about the guy who named his dog Herpes? He heals once a month. How do you know when you're being mooned by Ronald McDonald? He's the one with the sesame seed buns. How does herpes get out of the hospital? On crotches. A man called his friend in the middle of the night and said, "Fred, I'm really worried about Mary. She wasn't here when I got home from work and I still haven't heard from her. You know how depressed she gets at times since her mastectomy." Fred tried to reassure him. "Maybe she's just visiting a friend." "I doubt it," the man said glumly. "She left her tits here." A woman went to her doctor for a physical exam. The doctor found that she was in perfect health, but he couldn't figure something out. He asked her what possible reason she could have for having wax in her belly button. "My husband likes to eat by candlelight." The man woke up in the hospital after a terrible car crash. He asked the doctor, "What happened to me?" "Well," the doctor said, "I've some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that both of your legs are gone. "That's terrible," said the man. "What could possibly be good after that?" "The good news is that those pesky corns of yours are completely gone." A construction worker was rushed to the hospital after cutting himself badly. The doctor told the nurse to prepare a pain killer. "Don't bother Doc," said the man. "I've been through a lot worse." "More painful than this?" the doctor asked. "I'll tell you about the second most painful accident I ever had. I was hunting one day and had to take a shit so I dropped my pants and squatted. I tripped a bear trap and BOOM, the thing snapped shut on my balls." The doctor winced, "That's awful. But tell me, what could be worse?" "When I reached the end of the chain." What should you do when an Elephant comes in your window? Swim! Why can't you take a shit at a Beatles concert? There's no John. An old lady walked into her kitchen and found her cat up on the counter eating her dinner. She'd had it with the cat! This was the last straw! She picked up her broom and began beating on the cat and chased him into the corner. She was about to deal him the final blow when the cat said, "Wait! I'm really a genie in disguise! I can grant you ANY wish you want." The lady thought it over, and said, "I've always wanted to be swept off my feet by a handsome man." Poof! Instantly the cat turned into a tall, dark and very handsome man. He took the woman into his arms and, as he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, he gazed into her eyes and murmured huskily, "Now aren't you sorry you had me fixed?" What is the difference between like and love? Spit and swallow Have you read any of these? Under The Grandstand by Seymore Butts Spots On The Wall by Whuflung Poo Run To The Outhouse by Willy Makeit Illustrated by Betty Wont Hawaiian Love Song by Comoniwanalayya Russian Revenge by Ivan Kutchercockoff Chinese Population Explosion by Weefuckem Yung A cannibal was running through the woods when he found two campers. One was writing, one was reading, which one would he eat? The one reading because readers digest and writers cramp. What's invisible and smells like dog food? Old people's farts. What's the difference between mono and herpes? You get mono when you snatch a kiss. "Daddy, what does the word "POT" mean?" "You just never mind that son," replied the father. "Now unhook my bra for me!" What's black and hairy and pisses on the wall? Humpty Cunt. Why are cowgirls so bowlegged? Because cowboys eat with their hats on. What's black and blue, and goes "ding-dong"? A beat up Avon lady. Why was the whore with two pussies kicked out of the whore-house? The rest of the girls were tired of her holier-than-thou attitude. What do gay men put behind their ears to look pretty? Their legs. Why can't Hellen Keller have babies? Because she's dead! How do you drive Helen Keller crazy? Lock her in a room with stucco walls. Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate? She needs one to moan with. How do you keep Helen Keller busy? Rearrange the furniture! Why couldn't Helen Keller be heard when she fell into the well? She was wearing gloves. What is a Cinderella ten? A woman who sucks and fucks until midnight then turns into a pizza and six pack! CHAPTER SIX - HOMOGENEITY The five-alarmer had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the Fire Chief began accounting for his men. Two men were missing so he ordered a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass. "What's the meaning of this?" the Captain roared. "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman doing the fucking panted. "You're supposed to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation for that," the Captain said. "That's what started this," the fireman replied. What do rabbis do with foreskins after circumcisions? They sell them to gays for chewing gum. One gay guy visited another in the hospital. "What did they do?" he asked the man lying in the bed. "They removed my tonsils, pulled out my teeth, and cut out my hemorrhoids." "My God," gasped the visitor. "A complete hysterectomy!" _ Two homos named Jay and Aaron lived in an apartment in San Francisco. Once Jay (who was more bisexual than gay) went to a regular bar and met the girl of his dreams. After a very whirlwind relationship (4 hours, 13 minutes, 22.46 seconds) he asked her to marry him, and she accepted. So he asked her to move in with him the following day, and went home to straighten out his problem presented in the form of Aaron. When he told Aaron, there was a shocked silence. Finally Aaron asked, "Can I at least have one more night with you in the big bed?" Jay said "No, you'll sleep on the couch tonight. But don't sleep late because I'm leaving to pick up my future wife for a lunch date and then I'll bring her back here. You've got to be gone by then." So they went to bed (not together). The next morning Jay woke to a weird noise. He went out into the living room, and there he saw Aaron masturbating into a paper bag. Puzzled, he asked, "What are you doing?" The answer came back, "Packing your lunch." How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco? With a crowbar. What do the initials in A.I.D.S. stand for? Anally Inserted Death Sentence Five fags were sitting in a hot tub when suddenly a blob of semen floated to the surface. "Alright," said the big one, "Who farted?" Have you heard about Billie Jean King's new tennis shoe? It is called Dike, but they had to recall all of them because their tongues were too short. Richard Simmons goes into a doctor's office convinced that he is pregnant. "How could you possibly be pregnant?" asks the doctor, "Who is the father?" "What do you think I have," Richard says, "eyes in the back of my head?" _ How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo? At the straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!" How do you get rid of the crabs? Find a gay that like's seafood! Did you hear about the article in the newspaper the other day about gays? It said that 80% of all gay men were born gay, and as for the other 20% - they just got sucked into it. Why did the homosexual suspect his live-in lover had been cheating on him? Because he came home shit-faced. What's the difference between a vulture and a male hairdresser? A vulture won't eat a man until after he's dead. Son to father: "I think my roommate is becoming a queer." "How do you know?" "Because he closes his eyes when I kiss him." Did you hear about the young business man who took an apartment in Greenwich Village and turned prematurely gay? Did you hear about the two fags who had an argument in a gay bar? They went outside to exchange blows. What are the three things homosexuals like most? To eat, drink, and be Mary. In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming together. On the first night Suzy turns to her friend, puts her hand on her shoulder, and says, "There's something I've been meaning to tell you about myself. I'll be frank and ..." "No," says the other girl. "I'll be Frank." _ Did you hear about the homo that was so ugly he had to go out with girls? Did you hear about the three gays who attacked a woman in the park? Two held her down while the third did her hair. Two gays were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week. "Can I see it?" asked the second fag, so he promptly dropped his drawers to show off his cock. "Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!" Room Mate Wanted: Mature, respectable businessman seeks equally responsible man to share home and expenses in Boston suburb. Send character references, credit references, and a nude photo. One gay dentist to the other: "You know, you have the whitest teeth I've ever come across." _ "But Mom, all the girls my age are wearing training bras." "Shut up, Sidney. Just be grateful that I got you a garter belt." Overheard at a gay bar: "Did you know that you can catch leprosy from heterosexual intercourse?" "Really?" "Not really, but spread the rumor." A tough faggot is puffing on a little cigar in a bar, and follows another man into the men's room. "Ya ever get your cock sucked?" snarled the mean homo. "No," the man replied. "Did ya ever get your face pushed in?" demanded the queer. "No." "Do ya wanna get your face pushed in?" "No," came the reply. "Then keep this cigar going while I suck you off." _ Did you hear about the male nurse that could make a patient without disturbing the bed? If horse racing is the sport of kings is drag racing the sport of queens? Did you hear about the two ugly Baptist choir girls that were sleeping together? They were playing hymns. "My wife and I split up because we have too much in common," the solitary drinker said to the bartender. "Izzat so?" he replied. "Yeah - We both like to eat pussy!" Did you know that GAY stands for "Got AIDS Yet?" What's the difference between a rhinoceros and a lesbian? About 50 lbs and a flannel shirt! CHAPTER SEVEN - LOVE YA BABY A woman passenger in a horse-drawn cab has offered the driver a large tip if he can deliver her in a hurry, but she is horrified at the cruel whipping he gives the horse to make him go faster. "My good man, is there no other way you could urge the horse along?" she asks. "Yessum," the cab driver replies cheerfully. "But I've got to save his balls for the hill." There were these three whores complaining about their jobs. The youngest whore said, "Boy, tonight really sucked. I did three tricks for $50 each and my pimp took $100!" The second whore replied, "Wow, you kept all that? Tonight I turned seven tricks for $50 each and my pimp kept $300!" But the eldest whore said, "Both of you have it easy. Back during the Depression, I had to give ten free blowjobs a night just to have something warm in my stomach!" Democracy exists in Russia. They have two television stations, channel 7 and channel 9. You tune to channel seven and you receive the KGB. You turn to channel nine and another KGB officer tells you to switch the channel to seven! This guy goes into a bar with a big alligator and sets it on the bar. He asks the barkeep for a beer, and opens the 'gators mouth. He sticks his prick in the animals mouth and drinks his beer. The bartender is amazed. The man pulls his dick out, and asks the bartender, "Do you want to try it?" "No," says the bartender, "I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long." What do you get when you cross a rooster with an M&M? A cock that won't melt in your hand. What is the definition of a sardine? It's a little fish that smells like a finger! What does a baby diaper and your boss have in common? They are both all over your ass and usually full of shit! What do you get if you cross a Smurf and a whore? A little blue fucker about this high. A man with a very deep and husky voice goes into a doctor's office to find out a way to raise it a little. He learns that his long penis is the cause. The doctor suggests that the only way to solve the problem is to take a section out of the middle, and graft the remaining parts together. After reassurance that this will not affect his sex life, the man agrees. Months after the operation, he goes back to the doctor and asks, "What do you do with the sections you take out?" The doctor replies in a deep husky voice, "Oh, we make good use of them!" Why are a woman's cunt and asshole so close together? So when she gets drunk, you can carry her home like a six pack. Marketing experts are now maintaining that the manufacturers of those panty hose that "massage" a woman's legs have set their sights far too low! How can you tell when you've had a really good blowjob? You have to pull the sheets out of your ass. What proof do we have that computers have been around for a long, long time? Eve had an Apple, and Adam had a Wang. What do you have if you've got two green fuzzies in your hands? Kermit's undivided attention! And now, the designers, looking once more to make a buck off all those designer-label fans, have come up with a new one - designer condoms! The first two to come out with them are Pierre Hardon and So-soon! What is the definition of relative humidity? The amount of sweat on your balls when you're fucking your sister. How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. But they have to be very, VERY, small! What would Grace Kelly be doing if she were alive today? Clawing at the top of her coffin. Why would you tape a hamster's mouth shut? So that, when you butt-fucked it, it wouldn't spill its guts! Two very old ladies were sitting on the porch, rocking. One finally says, "Tell me, Maude, when you and the mister were married - before he died, that is - did, uh, did you have mutual orgasm?" Maude thought a moment, then said, "No, Sarah, I'm pretty sure it was State Farm!" How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has to WANT to change. Life is like a shit sandwich, The more bread you have, The less shit you have to swallow. Know how to make a dead baby float? With a tall glass of root beer and two scoops of dead baby. What's red and sits in a corner? A baby thats teething on a razor blade. What's blue and sits in a corner? A baby in a baggie. What's green and sits in a corner? The same baby 3 weeks later. What's red and spins round and round? A baby in a blender. What's red and goes thump-thump-thump? A baby tied to a semi wheel. Why did the dead baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken. What's red and goes 'round and 'round? A baby in a garbage diposal. What's red and bubbly and scratches at the window? A baby in a microwave. How do you get 100 dead babies into a barrel? Use a food processor. How do you get them out? Doritos. What's worse than three dead babies in a trash can? One dead baby in three trash cans. What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? You can unload the truckload of babies with a pitchfork. What's worse than a pile of dead babies? One live baby at the bottom trying to eat its way out. How do you make a dead baby float? Nail a piece of styrofoam to its forehead. Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? So you can see the expression on its face when you turn it on. What's a perfect gift for a dead baby? A dead puppy. What's red and silver and crawls into walls? A baby with forks in its eyes. CHAPTER EIGHT - IS EIGHT LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU? Three Frenchmen were sitting in a bistro enjoying their coffee, when a young American approached and asked them for the definition of the term "savoir faire". The youngest of the trio said that it was tres simple - he would define it with an example. "If you arrived at home and found your wife in the passionate embrace of a stranger, and you said 'Excusez moi' and quietly departed, then you would have demonstrated savoir faire". "Mais non", said the second, older and more urbane Frenchman. "Let me give a better example. If you arrived at home and found your wife in the embrace of a stranger, and you said, 'Excusez moi, continuez', and quietly departed, then you would have exhibited savoir faire". The third, and most venerable Frenchman shook his head and gave the Gaelic equivalent of "close but no cigar", and said, "Let me give you the proper answer." "If you came home and found your wife in the passionate embrace of a stranger and said, 'Excusez moi, continuez' and he did - HE has savoir faire." Guys You've Met In The Men's Room Excitable - Shorts half twisted around, can't find hole, rips shorts Sociable - Joins friends and pisses whether he has to or not, figures it doesn't cost anything Crosseyed - Looks inthe urinal on the left, pisses in the middle, and flushes the one on the right Timid - Can't piss if someone is watching. Flushes and comes back later Indifferent - All urinals being used, pisses in sink Clever - Look Ma, no hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor Worried - Not sure if he has been lately, stops in for a quick check Frivolous - Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit a bug on the wall Childish - Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble Absent-Minded-Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants Sneak - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the guy in the next stall will get blamed Patient - Stands very close for a long time while waiting, reads a newspaper with his free hand Desperate - Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants Tough - Bangs dick on the side of the urinal to dry it Efficient - Waits until he has to crap then does both Fat - Backs up and takes a long shot at urinal, pisses on his shoe Drunk - Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants Disgruntled - Stands waiting for a long time, gives up, walks away Conceited - Holds two inch dick like baseball bat There once lived a nonconforming sparrow. When winter came, he didn't want to fly South with the rest of the birds. Finally, though, it got so cold that he reluctantly started flying South. After a short while, ice started forming on his wings and he fell to the Earth. Shortly, a rather large cow came by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought this was surely the end. But, the warm shit actually started to warm him up. After a while, he was warm, content, and he could breath easily. He was so overjoyed that he started singing at the top of his lungs. A cat wandering by heard the noise and decided to investigate. He found the bird in the pile of shit, dug him out, and promptly ate him. The moral of the story is: 1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2) Everyone who digs you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend. 3) If you are warm and contented in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut! Three men were lost in the desert. After wandering for days they finally came upon a small town. Starving, they immediately ran to the nearest building which was a restaraunt. Upon entering they approached the waitress, who was as big as a whale. They immediately began begging for food. Virgin that she was she said, "Only if you fuck me." Regretfully the men agreed. As the first man stepped up he gazed upon her cunt and ran out of the restaurant screaming. More than a little scared, the second man approached and also saw her cunt. He barfed on the spot and also ran out screaming. The third man who by now was wise to the situation, put on sun-glasses, grabbed two ears of buttered corn, and began "screwing" her with the corn. After satisfying her deepest sexual desires he tossed the corn out the window and proceded to stock up with food. As he came stumbling out of the restaurant he proclaimed to the other two men, "Look at all this food!" to which they replied, "That's OK, we just had two hot buttered ears of corn." There was a farmer and his son who ran the farm all by themselves. One day when the son was out plowing the field, a terrible accident happened and he lost his eye. The old farmer was too poor to buy his son a glass eye, so he made one out of finely polished oak wood, and hand painted it. It was many years before the son was exposed to public, and the local farmers were holding a square-dance for their sons and daughters. That night the boy got all duded up and headed off to the dance, where he spent a boring evening in a corner. Suddenly, he spotted a girl in another corner who had a smile from nose to chin (not cheek to cheek). He thought to himself, "Now that's a girl that would understand me!", so he proceeded to walk over to the girl. "Would you like to dance?" he asked. The girl then replied, "Would I!" The boy shouted, "Hey, I didn't call you cunt face did I?" There was a guy who had never been fucked before. One day his dad said, "Son it's time for you to get fucked" so he gave the kid a duck to take to town. The kid goes out to a nearby town and sees a hooker standing on the street corner. He says to the hooker, "How 'bout a duck for a fuck?" The hooker said, "OK" so they get in the sack. When they're done the hooker said, "Hey that was great! If you fuck me again I'll give you back your duck". The kid agreed so they did it again. Afterward, the kid was walking home with his duck in his hand and all of a sudden the duck jumped right in front of a huge truck and got run over. The truck driver pulled over, apologized to the kid and paid him ten bucks for killing his duck. When the kid got home his dad asked how it went. The kid said, "Great ,I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and ten bucks for a fucked up duck!" A guy went into work, and was working steadily for about an hour when his secretary came in and said "You look terrible, what is wrong?" The guy responded "Oh, nothing. I feel great!" About five minutes later, his boss comes in and tells him the same thing. The boss tells him to take a week off to recover and calls him a cab. The cab driver takes one look at him and tells him the same thing. The guy tells him "No, I feel great!" The cab driver says "I had better take you to the hospital just in case." When he gets to the hospital he is rushed straight to a doctor. The doctor rushes in and says "Oh, you look terrible. What is the problem?" The guy says "I don't know, I feel great but everyone else tells me that I look terrible." The doctor says "I see" and starts thumbing through a medical book. Muttering to himself he says "Looks great, feels great - no, thats not it. Looks terrible, feels terrible - no, thats not it either. Looks great, feels terrible - well, getting closer. Looks terrible, feels great - Aha! Here we are. Hmm, according to this book, you are a clitoris!"