JOKES Due to the success of the jokes on LSD DOCS DISK 7, heres some more. Typed in by PARASITE, some off an ST SEWER SOFTEWARE disk, some off CHRONOS LAIR BBS, and a small section by FRODO. (Ta! Do some more please!) THE NEW EXTREMELY ENGLISH BIBLE From Genesis 3 et seq. 9 And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? 10 And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, and I hid myself amongst the trees of the garden, because I was naked; and I was in fear lest thou shouldst ask of me whether I had eaten of the tree of knowledge. 11 And the LORD God spake unto him, saying: never mind eating of the tree of knowledge, thou hast walked on the grass of knowledge, for a start. 12 And the man said, I thought it was alright to walk upon the grass of knowledge, I did not know that that was any big deal. 13 Whereat the LORD God waxed exceeding wrath, crying: There are signs up everywhere. As to thy being naked, thou art not naked at all, they LORD thy God hath eyes in his head, thou and the woman that I made for thee haved picked leaves to be a covering, what dost thou think thou art playing at, picking at things, it'll be the daffs next. 14 And the man replied in thus wise, saying, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she hath done this. I was happy in my nakedness, it was not draughty, but the woman insisted, and I plucked off the tree two leaves, contrary to sub-section eight of the by-laws, para fourteen. 15 And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, saying it would be fashionable, a smart leaf. 16 And the LORD God grew great in his anger, crying, It will be riding bloody bicycles on the footpath next, It will be failing to put sweet wrappers in the receptacles provided; and he turned then to the man, saying, Hast thou a license for this snake? 17 And the man fell upon his knees in that place, shouting: license, what license, it is not a dog, it hath no legs, it doth not bark, wherefore is it that I should have a license? 18 But the LORD God would not be assuaged, saying, I know it is not a dog, I the LORD God made it, it is not an elephant or a plaice, either, do not get clever with me, the fact is that it is a dangerous animal within the meaning of the Act, they can kill you, snakes, I speak as one that knoweth, and as such they require a license obtainable at any post office that I have made. 19 And the man hung his head, saying, I did not realize. 20 But the LORD God exculpated him not, saying, Ignorance of the law is no excuse, it is not even on a lead, it could foul the footpath, they are no joke, snake droppings. This is the garden of Eden, not an adventure playground. 21 Therefore the LORD God sent them forth from the garden; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, in caps and armbands, and a flaming signboard with all the by-laws writ large upon it, to keep the way of the tree of life. 1 And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD. 2 Whereat the LORD God spake unto them, saying, I trust that thou hast registered this child, also that thou hast registered him once only, I do not want any maternity grant fiddles, I do not want him coming back unto me when he is unemployed claiming two lots of social security, I give thee fair warning. That could well be a matter for thunderbolts. 3 And she again bare his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. And in the process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD. 4 But the LORD God was greatly displeased in that place where he was, saying, Call that a tomato? It is more like a red pea, hast thou no thought for the Weights & Measures Act that I have made, dost thou turn thy back on my Office of Fair Trading, what is it that thou are trying to put over on the unfortunate public? 5 And Cain replied in thus wise, saying, Public, what public, there is only we and thou in this place where we are, unfortunate or otherwise. 6 And the LORD God gathered up the clouds and spake to him in thunder, crying, Do not take that tone with me, I am the LORD thy legally constitued local authority, a thing is not a tomato unless I say it is a tomato. 7 And Cain went away in anger from that place, saying, It tasted all right, what difference doth it make if it is a bit undersized, how can you make a living in this business if you do not bend the rules a bit. And lo, he came upon his brother Abel in a field, and Abel had with him where he was a sheep that had found favour with the LORD in that it had complied with all regulations concerning weight, quality, vaccination, smell, and all the rest, and Abel said unto his brother Cain, How dist thou get on with that titchy little tomato? 8 And Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him. 9 And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel, thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper? 10 And the LORD replied in thus wise, saying, thou art his next- of-kin and it is therefore thy legal obligation to report his demise to the Authorities, especially in view of the fact that it is thou that hath demised him. 11 And Cain said, He got up my nose. 12 And the LORD God replied, saying, That is no excuse for failing to report his death. Coming on top of thy dreadful infringement of the tomato regulations, this is too much. And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, reminding him of the severe penalties involved should he receive two further marks in a period of three years, under the totting-up procedures. 13 And Cain went out from the presence of the Lord, and dwelt in the land on Nod, on the east of Eden. 14 And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch. 15 And the LORD God waxed furious, crying, didst thou get planning permission for a city? Look at it, it hath no proper drains, it hath high-rise blocks stuck up all over the place, it doth not have a decent road from one end to the other, it is an eyesore and an affront. 16 And Cain answered the LORD in some heat, shouting, This is not Green Belt, this is bloody NOD, it is thou that stuckest me here in this place where I am to be a developer on account of not being allowed to follow chosen profession, to wit, tiller of ground, how am I to earn an honest bob, all right, fairly honest? 17 But the LORD would not countenance his appeal, and knocked the city down, that it be a lesson and a guide to all men. 18 And Enoch, the son not the city, begat Irad; and Irad begat Mehujael; and Mehujael begat Methusael; and Methusael begat Lamech. 19 And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the second was Zillah. 20 And the LORD God waxed really spare this time, what with the multiplicity of spouses and the serious begetting explosion, for the infringements were beyond number, and the LORD God was up to here with paperwork. And of the myriad thousands that now teemed the Earth, the vast majority did not make full and complete tax returns, nor did they come home from work without paperclips and rubbers that they had taken, saying, Who is it that will notice? Also, they lived together in council accomodation when they were not legally married, and they did not observe the yellow lines that the LORD their God had laid down for them, nay, not even the double yellow lines; and they smoked in those places where there were signs clearly exhorting them not so to do, and built on room- extensions in cedar wood and in sandalwood without informing the Rating Authority; and they sang in those places which dd not have a license for singing. 1 And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil, continually. 2 And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the Earth; for it repenteth me that I have made them, they cannot be left for a minute, I am losing a thousand gas-meters a day, never mind forged Cup Final tickets. 3 But Noah found grace in the yes of the LORD. 4 And GOD said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; and behold, I will destroy them with the earth. Make thee an ark of gopher wood. And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, and the height of it shall be thirty cubits. 5 Thus Noah and his sons fashioned them an ark; and it was done. 6 But when the LORD God looked upon it where it was, he waxed practically out of his mind, crying, Is that the gopher wood that I commanded thee? 7 And Noah answered in this wise, saying, Not exactly, it is more your actual chipboard, I was very lucky, it fell off the back of a cart, also no VAT, nudge-nudge, catch my drift? 8 And GOD caught his drift, saying, Nor is it the three hundred cubits in length, that I bespoke unto thee. 9 And Noah replied unto him, saying, Right, right, there are no flies on thee, O LORD, it is about, what, two hundred cubits, give or take, it was a pretty small cart if thou knowest what I mean, it looks like bad news for the dinosaurs and the unicorns, one way and another. 10 And the LORD God retreated into the cloud, and wept. And the tears became rain. __________________________________________________________________________ IN NEED OF MODERNIZATION - Estate agents volcabulary to watch out for when buying a house: Unusual location:- In the path of a projected motorway Local authority grants:- About to be condemned available Period residence:- Built in the last two years Select neighbourhood:- Beside sewage works Compact:- Tiny Country gentleman's :- No longer suitable for agricultral residence tenants Unusual features:- No roof Delightful rural location:- In flight path of nuclear bomber base Box room:- Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxe's (folded) A wealth of period :- your self, dry rot, rising damp and an features electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies. Quite,secluded setting:- On site of proposed dormitory town Well situated:- In full vew of the neighbours Within easy distance of :- Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities Rare opportunity to buy:- No one else want's it For the gardening enthusiast:- Grounds like a jungle Extensively modernized:- Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain Unspoilt:- Planning permission granted for field next door Deceptive appearance:- It looks terrible Partial central heating:- The room above the boiler can get warm in summer Easily maintained:- Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid Usefull outbuildings:- No inside bog Much sought after:- It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it By private treaty:- If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price Owner eager to sell:- If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed Subject to new instructions:- Thay have just decoverd death watch beetle Sold:- Unless idiots like you offer a higher price ___________________________________________________________________________ IRISHMANS' LETTER TO THE D.H.S.S. ON RECEIVING THE AIDS LEAFLET Dear Sir, I have just received the AIDS leaflet through my door, and would like to apply straight away for AIDS. I have been on the dole for the past ten years, and have been living on Supplementary Benefit and any other State aid I could get. It now seems I would be getting aid for sex. It's a pity that AIDS has come so late, as I have already got 15 children, and wondered if you would be paying back payments. Your leaflet states the more sex I have, the more chance I have of getting AIDS. My only problem here is persuading the wife, who is not so keen after 15 kids. Several years ago, I bought some sex aids but she showed little interest, and they were hardly used. Would there be any chance of a refund for the #17.28 which I paid out for these gadgets? Anyway, I will now explain to her that the Government will now be paying us for the sex we have, and I'm sure she will agree we can't let a chance like this slip by. You also state that I can pass my AIDS on, but as you will understand, with a wife and 15 kids to feed, there won't be much left to pass on. If by any chance there is a bit left over, I will pass it on to my poor old mother-in-law, who only has her pension. I understand from your leaflet I can get AIDS from a blood transfusion, and I intend to write to my local hospital right away to see when I can have one. Will the AIDS I get from the hospital be deducted from the AIDS I get from you? Perhaps you will write and let me know. I am a firm believer in getting every aid from the country I can get, and I'm sure you'll agree that by my past performance I do qualify for this one. Could you let me know how much I will get paid each time, and will it be weekly or monthly payments? Yours faithfully SHAMUS O'TOOLE P.S. Your advert is great. I certainly won't die of ignorance - I know my rights. __________________________________________________________________________ THE GOOD FOOD GUIDE TO CHINESE MEAT DISHES 1 Bol Oxs...............Hot Meat balls 2 Sur Kum Sihz..........Sausage slices 3 Hol Mein Kok..........Scrag end encased in Ladyfingers 4 Kor Sor...............Rolled pork fillets rubbed in chile powder 5 Eja Ku Lait...........Shaft of mutton in white cream sauce 6 Long Dik..............Coc in Van 7 Veri Ti Rin...........Massive extrusion of forcemeat VEGETABLES 8 Wan Kin...............Bamboo Shoots 9 Peo Sof...............Chinese leaves 10 Wot Kung Fu Dat.......Tossed salad 11 Sik In Lu.............Sweet and sour in hot sauce 12 Pu Bik................Young Sprouts 13 Sik In Lu.............Extra number 11 14 Du Reks...............Entre coat 15 Hoo Pong In Car See...Yellow rice with meat droppings 16 Hoo Kum On Mat........Thick white rice on ryebread SAUCES 17 Pei Sol...............Cantonese drippings 18 Sei Men Drip..........Delicately flavoured white sauce 19 Yu Kum................Hot custard 20 Hu Lade Turd..........Brown sauce with nuts 21 Fan Tom Ar Sol........Invisible brown sauce without nuts SPECIALITIES 22 Lik Mein..............Plate of the day 23 Fug Yu................Chinese toast 24 Munth Lei.............Popular dish of the period 25 Kow Poo...............Savoury pancakes 26 Dogie Bagg............Chinese take away 27 Ho Mo.................Sausage surprise 28 Bo Gee................Pick of the week DESERTS 29 Vee Dee...............Spotted Dick 30 Kum In Yu.............Cream Squirt 31 Yu Pong...............Crap suzette 32 Kum Lots..............Extra portion of cream 33 Ars Pik...............Chocolate fingers 34 Hoo Shat In Fann......Chocolate spread 35 Or Jee................Chinese stuffing on a bed of manderins 36 Es Kie Mo Kum.........Frosted banana cream 37 Tu Tun On Goo Lies....Crushed nuts 38 Wun Hung Low..........Mixed Nuts 39 Di Rere...............Chinese afters in aromatic brown sauce 40 Hu Pong...............Chinese snifters 41 Kwik Wank.............Cream slice BEVERAGES 42 Yu Rine...............Jasmine tea 43 Wob Li Tit............Milk shake ________________________________________________________________________ SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our programme of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in town. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed on the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention. All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed. If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us to train others. We can add you to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.) programme. If you have any further questions, please address them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T). Thank you. BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.) P.S. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily become the DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.) __________________________________________________________________________ TV RACE RELATIONS BOARD Due to the vast influx of commonwealth citizens into London Suburbs the B.B.C. are pleased to announce a change in the programmes to suit our Commonwealth Cousins. SUNDAY 7.15 Singh Something Simple 8.00 The Hohammedin Line 9.50 The Ghandi Williams Show 10.30 Wogs my Line MONDAY 4.30 Watch with Buddha 5.15 Asian Wide 6.30 Currynation Street 7.00 Singh-a-Long-a-Paks 9.00 Ali as Smith and Jones TUESDAY 2.00 Andy Ghandi 3.30 Pakanory 4.30 Brown Peter WEDNESDAY 1.45 The Wooden Wogs 2.00 Ranjit and Sanjit, the Flower Pot Men 4.30 Crackerpak 5.00 The Pak & White Minstrel Show THURSDAY 5.00 Journey Hindu Space 8.00 Pakerama 9.25 Please Sahib 10.00 Bless this Hut SATURDAY 5.30 Cooniversity Challenge 8.45 Amin called Ironside 10.00 Batch of the Day PLEASE NOTE: None of the above Programmes are transmitted in colour. __________________________________________________________________________ YOUR STARS BY VERA SLUG ARIES (March 21 - April 20) A loved one has a message for you. They cannot stand you. Be careful of Greeks bearing wellies. TAURUS (April 21 - May 21) Today will be the hilight of your week. After waking up you'll discover a book devoted to your excretia. GEMINI (May 22 - June 23) You have been having the best of both worlds lately. Don't fall out with your brother or sister, especially if you are Siamese. CANCER (June 24 - July 23) You've got crabs. But don't worry, they've got cancer. LEO (July 24 - July 39) You're a very down to earth person, who knows exactly what you're doing. So why are you reading this ? LIBRA (January 9 - September 24) Your life is in the ballance today, If you walk under a Juggernaut you'll die. If you refrain from this, you can read this crap again tomorrow. SCORPIO (September 25 - November 22) Beware of the sting in your own tail. SAGITTARIUS (November 23 - December 21) Cancelled due to lack of interest. CAPRICORNIUS (December 22 - January 20) Okay, the stars don't revolve around the earht, but don't go on about it. AQUARIUS (Liverpool 3 - Everton 1) For those of you who are still labouring under the delusion that your age has dawned, It has to be said that its nearly sundown. PISCES (February 0 - January 33) With this Salmonella, amoebic menangitis, russian radioactivity and assorted pollution about, you'll be lucky to last the week If it's your birthday today: You're one year nearer death! _________________________________________________________________________ METRIC TIME As you mey not be aware, from midnight on April 4th, 1992, the whole of Great Britain (except Northern Ireland) will go over to metric time. For those still unaware of the decimalisation of time, here is a brief summary. There are 10 seconds to the minute, 10 minutes to the hour, 10 hours to the day etc as described below; OLD TIME NEW TIME 1 second 1 milliday 1 minute 1 centiday 1 hour 1 deciday (or millimonth) 1 day 1 day 1 week 1 decaday 1 month 1 hectoday 1 year 1 kiloday NOTE: the fortnight will be officially withdrawn. Obviously, from a company's point of view, due to the fact that one new hour represents only 5/12ths of an old one, employees will now have to work 3.5 decidays per day. However for administration purposes it is recommended that the lunch break be shortened by 2/3rds of a new hour, thus making a total working time 4 new hours. The wage change to allow for this is reccomended that any compensentory uplift will be made to salaries except in the case of leap kilodays; there an adjustment will be built in at the end of the hectoday every 1.46 decamonths. Holidays will be affected only so far as the change to metric time is concerned and no one shall be worse off than previously. Thus if an employee was entitled to 32 days old time, he will not be entitled to 220 decidays (or one hectoday plus 20 decidays) for every hectoday over the above 20 kilodays service) The Queens birthday will accordingly be reduced to 5 decidays and a term 'a month of sundays' is not to be used on official documents. (The correct term being 'a hectoday of decidays) ___________________________________________________________________________ A BRIEF GUIDE TO POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY SOCIALISM You have two cows, you give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have two cows, the government takes both and sells you the milk FACISM You have two cows, the government takes both and shoots you. CAPITILISM You have two cows, sell one and buy a bull. TRADE UNIONISM You have two cows, they take both from you, kill one, milk the other and throw the milk away. MORAL Don't have anything to do with cows, they torn you nito a ploitical wreck. __________________________________________________________________________ THE FERTILISER CLUB CHAIN LETTER Dear friend, This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are critically interested in your front lawn, and the summer season is upon us once more. This is the Fertiliser club and it will not cost you a penny to join. Upon reciept of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list below and shit on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so dont be shy. Then make five copies of this letter, adding your name and address, and send them to five of your friends who appreciate good lawns. You will not recieve any money, but within one week, providing the chain is not broken, there will be 9,216 seople shitting on your front lawn. Your reward will come in the summer, with your lawn the best fertilised in the area. Mre. Lucy Bowels Mr. Smelly B. Hind 29, Bog Seat Close, 457 Diarrhoea Way, Mrs. Iva Ada Crap Mr. C Howitz Fartz 125 Enema Drive, 2 Rectum Road, Mr Ivor Broadass Miss Dee Bowl 3 Suppository Avenue, 28 Fertiliser Hill, PS. If you are constipated, pass this letter on to your neighbour. Do not break the chain. One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire lawn. __________________________________________________________________________ LITTLE KNOWN QUOTES FROM THE BIBLE Save me an Easter egg Peter, i'll be back in 3 days Now let me get this straight, you want me to be king of the Jews and cut the tip off my what?? I'll need a bucket of water to swallow those tablets. No you're not going to turn water into wine. Buy your own like anybody else. Can you cross your legs please, we've only got one nail left. I don't care who you bloody are, no-one walks on water while i'm fishing. If you drop that bloody cross once more, youre out of the procession. You come here covered in sheep shit, with no presents, telling me that a young lady in white with wings sent you to come and see our new baby and you expect me to believe youre not pissed. You mean with all those angels in heaven, God came down to Earth just to put you in the club. It's christmas, I'm pregnant, you forgot to order a taxi, and now you tell me we havent got a hotel room. Havent you got anything else, i hate fish sandwiches. Hey Jesus, how do you fancy a few days in Jerusalem with thew boys over the easter holiday?? You stupid bastard, If you'd have turned left after the red sea, we'd have had the oil and the arabs would have the oranges. Get back Eve, I don't know how big this thing gets. ___________________________________________________________________________ CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE; The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety. Cucumbers are easy to pick up. You can fondle a cucumber in the supermarket And you know how firm it is before you take it home. Cucumbers can be easily disposed of. Cucumbers don't go away for the weekends with the boys. A cucumber will always respect you. A cucumber won't ask am I the first? A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin. With cucumbers you don't have to be a virgin more than once. Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle. You only have to ask a cucumber when you feel like it. Cucumbers won't ever ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times? Is that the most you ever had? A cucumber won't mind hiding in the fridge when your mother comes. A cucumber will not make a scene if there are other cucumbers in the fridge. No matter how old and wrinkled you are, you can always get another cucumber. A cucumber will never give you a love bite or a social disease. Cucumbers can stay up all night. You never have to sleep on the wet spot. Cucumbers won't leave you wondering for a month. Cucumbers never expect to have little cucumbers. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet. Cucumbers don't compare you to Playboy centerfolds. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair. A cucumber will never leave you for another woman or another cucumber. You always know where your cucumber has been. A cucumber never goes on cucumber's nights out. Cucumbers don't have mid life crises. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. You don't have to tell a cucumber you have a headache. Cucumbers don't count to 69. A cucumber won't tell you that it's out grown you intellectually. Cucumbers are the same at both ends so are doubly useful. No matter how you slice it, you CAN have your cucumber and eat it too. ____________________________________________________________________________ CORRECT DEFINITIONS: ADULTERY .. THE WRONG PEOPLE DOING THE RIGHT THING. ALIMONY .. THE SCREWING YOU GET FOR THE SCREWING YOU GOT. ANGEL .. A FEMALE SPIRIT WHO SPENDS MOST OF HER TIME WISHING SHE COULD TRADE HER HARP FOR AN UPRIGHT ORGAN. BABY .. A HOLLOW TUBE WITH A LOUD VOICE AT ONE END AND A COMPLETE LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY AT THE OTHER END. BARE FOOT PARTY .. WHERE YOU TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AND HOSE. BATHROOM MENACE .. A MAN HAVING THE MISFORTUNE AT A TENDER AGE TO HAVE BEEN CIRCUMSISED BY A CROSS-EYED RABBI. BLACKOUT .. THE REASON A GIRL IS APT TO BE BLOWN INTO MATERNITY WITHOUT KNOWING WHO IS RESPONSIBLE. CANNIBAL .. ONE WHO IS APT TO PASS HIS BEST FRIEND. CASTRATED DINOSAUR .. A COLOSSAL FOSSLE WITH A DOSSLE TOSSLE. CHIVALRY .. A MANS INCLINATION TO DEFEND A WOMAN AGAINST EVERY MAN BUT HIMSELF. CONSCIENCE .. THAT WHICH HURTS WHEN EVERYTHING ELSE FEELS SO GOOD. CONSTIPATION .. TO HAVE AND TO HOLD. COOKIE .. A VIRGIN DOUGHNUT. DUCKS HOUND .. A LOW DOWN SON OF A BITCH. DANCE .. A NAVAL ENGAGEMENT WITHOUT THE LOSS OF SEAMEN. DIVORCE .. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN TWO PEOPLE CANNOT STOMACH EACH OTHER ANY LONGER. DEAD STICK .. WHEN THE SPIRIT IS WILLING BUT THE FLESH IS WEAK. DECOY .. A FLASHLIGHT IN THE PANTS POCKET. DIARY .. BOOK OF REVALATIONS. DOCTOR .. A LUCKY FELLOW WHO IS PRIVILEGED TO UNDRESS WOMEN AND GO ALL OVER THEM WITHOUT GETTING HIS FACE SLAPPED. DRAKE SIR FRANCIS .. THE MAN WHO CIRCUMSISED THE WORLD WITH A FORTY FOOT CUTTER. ENEMA .. A GOOSE WITH A GUSH. EXPLORATION .. BEATING AROUND THE BUSH. FATHER'S DAY .. NINE MONTHS BEFORE LABOUR DAY. GENTLEMAN .. ONE WHO IS ALWAYS CAREFUL AFTER GOOSING A YOUNG LADY, TO RESTORE HER DRESS TO ITS FORMER POSITION; ONE WHO IS ALWAYS CAREFUL TO REST AT LEAST HALF HIS WEIGHT ON HIS ELBOWS. GIGGALO .. THE EGG THAT LAID THE GOLDEN GOOSE. GERARFFE PARTY .. ALL NECK AND TAIL. GLAMOUR GIRL .. A MUCH PUBLICISED YOUNG THING WHO IS FULL OF OOMF, AND FREQUENTLY FULL OF OTHER THINGS; ONE WHO DOESN'T WORRY ABOUT THE MEAT SHORTAGE. HORSE SHOW .. A LOT OF HORSES SHOWING THEIR ASSES TO A LOT OF HORSES' ASSES SHOWING THEIR HORSES. HUSBAND .. WHAT IS LEFT AFTER THE NERVE HAS BEEN KILLED. KEPT WOMAN .. ONE WHO WEARS MINK ALL DAY AND FOX ALL NIGHT. HUNG CHOW .. CHINESE CONSTIPATION. A KISS .. UPPER PERSUASION FOR LOWER INVASION; UPSTAIRS SHOPPING FOR DOWNSTAIRS MERCHANDISE. LOUSY BASTARD .. ONE WHO SITS AND SCRATCHES HIMSELF WHILE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER ARE BEING MARRIED. MASTURBATION .. A SOLO PLAYED ON A PRIVATE ORGAN. MATERNITY DRESS .. A SUIT WITH RAPE SHAPE. METALLURGIST .. A MAN WHO CAN LOOK AT A PLATINUM BLONDE AND TELL WHETHER SHE IS VIRGIN METAL OR COMMON ORE. MINUTE MAN .. ONE WHO DOUBLE PARKS WHILE HE VISITS A SPORTING HOUSE. MORNING .. THE TIME OF DAY WHEN THE RISING GENERATION RETIRES, AND THE RETIRING GENERATION ARISES. MOTHER'S DAY .. NINE MONTHS AFTER FATHERS DAY. MULE BARBECUE .. WHERE EVERYBODY GETS A PIECE OF ASS. NUN .. A WOMAN WHO AIN'T NEVER HAD NONE, DON'T WANT NONE, AND AIN'T GOING TO GET NONE. NURSE .. A PAN HANDLER. OLD MAID .. A WOMAN OF UNCERTAIN AGE WHO AIN'T NEVER BEEN MARRIED NOR NOTHING; A YES GIRL WHO HAS NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO TALK. NURSERY .. A PLACE TO PARK LAST YEARS FUN UNTIL IT GROWS UP A BIT. OUT DOOR GIRL .. ONE WITH THE BLOOM OF YOUTH ON HER CHEEKS AND THE CHEEKS OF HER YOUTH IN HER BLOOMERS. PAPOOSE .. CONSOLATION PRIZE FOR TAKING A CHANCE ON AN INDIAN BLANKET. PIMP .. A CRACK SALESMAN; A NOOKIE BOOKIE. PREGNANCY .. WHEN A WOMAN IS ALL SWELLED UP FROM HER MATE'S HANDYWORK. PRIVATE SECRETARY .. A STENOGRAPHER WHO WATCHES HER PERIODS. PUPPY LOVE .. THE BEGINNING OF A DOG'S LIFE. RAPE .. SEDUCTION WITHOUT SALESMANSHIP; ASSULT WITH INTENT TO PLEASE. RHUMBA .. AN ASSETT TO MUSIC. SIN .. ANYTHING THE OTHER FELLOW ENJOYS AND YOU DON'T. SISSY .. A MAN WHO GETS OUT OF THE BATH TUB TO TAKE A LEAK. SOB SISTER .. A GIRL WHO SITS IN YOUR LAP AND BAWLS AND MAKES IT HARD FOR YOU. SPRING FEVER .. WHEN THE IRON IN YOUR BLOOD TURNS TO LEAD IN YOUR PENCIL. STEPINS .. A LADIES LAST LINE OF DEFENCE; THEY GO ON EASILY BUT MUST BE COAXED OFF. STORK .. THE BIRD THAT HAD NONE OF THE FUN IN BRINGING THE BABIES. TAXIDERMIST .. A MAN WHO MOUNTS ANIMALS. . TOMCAT .. A BALL BEARING MOUSE TRAP. TRIPLETS .. TAKING SERIOUSLY WHAT WAS POKED AT YOU IN FUN. UNCANNY .. A HOUSE WITHOUT A SHIT HOUSE. UNDERDOG .. A BITCH. VISE .. ANYTHING YOU ENJOY THAT IS BAD FOR YOU. VIRGINITY .. A BUBBLE ON THE STREAM OF LIFE, ONE PRICK AND IT'S GONE FOR EVER. VIRGIN WOOL .. THAT FROM A SHEEP THAT CAN OUTRUN A SHEEP HERDER. ___________________________________________________________________________ HOW DO YOU RATE; 1. A VAIN PERSON - ONE WHO LOVES THE SMELL OF HIS OWN FART. 2. AMIABLE PERSON - ONE WHO LOVES THE SMELL OF OTHER PEOPLE'S FARTS. 3. PROUD PERSON - ONE WHO THINKS HIS FARTS ARE EXCEPTIONALLY PLEASANT. 4. SHY PERSON - ONE WHO RELEASES SILENT FARTS THEN BLUSHES. 5. IMPUDENT PERSON - ONE WHO FARTS OUT LOUD THEN LAUGHS. 6. SCIENTIFIC PERSON - ONE WHO FARTS REGULARLY BUT IS CONCERNED WITH THE POLUTION . 7. UNFORTUNATE PERSON - ONE WHO TRIES TO FART BUT SHITS INSTEAD. 8. NERVOUS PERSON - ONE WHO STOPS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FART. 9. HONEST PERSON - ONE WHO ADMITS HE FARTED, BUT OFFERS A GOOD MEDICAL REASON. 10. DISHONEST PERSON - ONE WHO FARTS BUT BLAMES HIS DOG. 11. FOOLISH PERSON - ONE WHO SUPRESSES A FART FOR HOURS. 12. THRIFTY PERSON - ONE WHO ALWAYS HAS FARTS IN RESERVE. 13. ANTI-SOCIAL PERSON - ONE WHO EXCUSES HIMSELF AND FARTS IN PRIVATE. 14. INTELLECTUAL PERSON - ONE WHO CAN DETERMINE THE SMELL OF HIS NEIGHBOURS FARTS. 15. ATHLETIC PERSON - ONE WHO FARTS AT THE SLIGHTEST EXERTION. 16. SADISTIC PERSON - ONE WHO FARTS IN BED, THEN FLUFFS THE COVERS OVER HIS BEDMATE. 17. MISERABLE PERSON - ONE WHO TRULY ENJOYS A FART BUT CAN'T. 18. SENSITIVE PERSON - ONE WHO FARTS BUT THEN STARTS CRYING. 19. COVER-UP PERSON - ONE WHO CONCEALS HIS FARTS BY HIS LOUD LAUGH. 20. AQUATIC PERSON - ONE WHO FARTS IN THE BATH AND THEN BURSTS THE BUBBLE WITH HIS BIG TOE. ___________________________________________________________________________ SEX IS A REAL PROBLEM IN THE NINETEEN-NINTIES. If you sleep with a Woman you get Herpies. If you sleep with a Man you get AIDS. If you sleep alone you get R.S.I. Sleep well tonight ___________________________________________________________________________ There were these 2 guys lost in the Himalayas one day. Both were starving and near death when they came across a dead animal. One of them started to eat and told the other guy he'd better do the same He refused because he was sure he'd get something better, as the carcas was rotten. So, off they went in search of civilization, when a while later the twit who ate the meat began to vomit, to which the other guy said, See, I knew I'd get a hot meal sooner or later __________________________________________________________________________ TARZAN TARZAN IS FLYING THROUGH THE TREES AND HIS VINE BREAKS. DOWN HE GOES AND WHEN HE LANDS, HE FINDS THAT HIS EYE HAS BEEN RIPPED OUT, ONE ARM RIPPED OFF AND HIS OLD FELLA MISSING. SO HE GOES TO THE WITCHDOCTOR AND THE WITCHDOCTOR TELLS HIM TO COME BACK IN A WEEKS TIME. TARZAN RETURNS AND THE WITCHDOCTOR HAS AN EAGLE EYE TO REPLACE THE MISSING ONE, A BABOON'S ARM TO REPLACE THE ARM HE HAD LOST, AND AN ELEPHANT'S TRUNK TO REPLACE HIS OLD FELLA. HE PUT'S THEM ALL ON AND TELLS HIM TO COME BACK IN A WEEKS TIME TO SEE HOW THEY WORKED OUT. TARZAN RETURNS IN A WEEK AND TELLS THE WITCHDOCTOR: THE EYE IS REALLY GREAT. I CAN SEE FOR MILES; THE ARM IS GREAT, I CAN SWING THROUGH THE TREES USING ONLY ONE ARM; BUT THE OLD FELLA IS A BIT OF BOTHER - WHEN I'M SWINGING THROUGH THE TREES, THE TRUNK PEEPS HIS HEAD OUT OF MY LOIN-CLOTH, GRABS A HEAP OF BERRIES, DIRT AND LEAVES, AND SHOVES THEM UP MY ARSE. __________________________________________________________________________ THE BODY WHEN THE LORD CREATED MAN, ALL PARTS OF HIS BODY ARGUED OVER WHO WAS TO BE BOSS. THE BRAIN ARGUED THAT SINCE HE HAS CONTROL OVER ALL PARTS OF THE BODY, HE SHOULD BE BOSS. THE LEGS ARGUED THAT SINCE THEY TOOK MAN WHEREVER HE WANTED, THEY SHOULD BE BOSS. THE STOMACH COUNTERED WITH THE EXPLANATION THAT SINCE HE DIGESTED ALL THE FOOD, HE SHOULD BE BOSS. THE HANDS ARGUED THAT SINCE THEY WOULD BE DOING ALL THE WORK, THEY SHOULD BE BOSS. THE EYES SAID WITHOUT THEM, MAN WOULD BE HELPLESS, SO THEY SHOULD BE BOSS. FINALLY THE ARSE HOLE APPLIED FOR THE POSITION. ALL THE OTHER PARTS OF THE BODY LAUGHED SO MUCH THAT THE ARSE HOLE BECAME IRATE, AND CLOGGED UP. AFTER A FEW DAYS OF THIS, THE BRAIN BECAME FOGGY, THE LEGS WOBBLED AND FINALLY COULD NOT SUPPORT THE BODY. THE STOMACH BECAME VIOLENTLY ILL, AND THE HANDS WERE SO WEAK, THEY HUNG AT THE SIDE OF THE BODY AND THE EYES BECAME CROSSED AND UNABLE TO SEE. FINALLY THEY ALL RELENTED, AND AGREED TO MAKE THE ARSE HOLE THE BOSS. THIS PROVES THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A BRAIN TO BE A BOSS, JUST AN ARSE HOLE. ___________________________________________________________________________ A GUIDE TO PROGRAMMERS.... BASIC BASIC programmers are paranoid because any 16 year old could do their job, if asked. To try to secure their positions, they deliberately write code using the double spaghetti method, never using a FOR....NEXT loop where four or five IF...THEN...ELSE constructs might do. Since they taught them- selves programming on a ZX81 rigged up to the family telly, they have quixotic gaps in their computer knowledge. BASIC programmers ring up technical support centres to ask questions like "What are those funny numbers with letter in them?". PASCAL Despite an early reputation for gambling (youve heard of Pascal's bet), these days Pascal programmers are all deadly enthusiastic. They are proud of the ability of their language to define a type representing, for example , different flavours of crisp. This enables them to write useful code where tomato=succ(salt_n_vinegar). and ord(roast_beef)/2 >ord(prawn_cocktail). Pascal people all know exactly how programming should be done, and enjoy casting their pearls of wisdom among the swine who write in lesser dialects. FORTRAN FORTRAN programmers learned their craft at college in 1935. They are con- vinced the theirs is the language of the future, pointing out that in 1966 it was selected as the ANSI standard for writing Snoopy calendar programs. FORTRAN programmers are not altogether at ease with modern peripherals such as VDU's (which they revealingly refer to as "glass teletypes"). They are the only people in the programming community to use flow-charts, which they draw with loving care using the special WH Smiths stencils. These diagrams are then filed away with the source code. ignored for the life of the program, then finally thrown away unread, because even FORTRAN is easier to read than a flow-chart. ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE Assembly Language programmers are closer to the machine then anybody else: emotionally as well as in programming terms. This symbiosis can be take too far: programmers who faint when the reset button is pressed should perhaps consider switching to "C" or even chartered accountancy. Assembly programmers often pretend to be able to patch their code in Hex as they go (I think you'll find that C4 F2 D1 at offset 24A2 will fix the problem Nigel) They manage this by introducing deliberate errors into their programs, pre-assembling the "patched" result secretly and concealing the results in tiny writing on their shirt cuffs. C Traditionally the C programmer was a bearded bore who would corner you at parties and breathe garlic and Unix all over you. All this has now changed. These days C programmers are clean shaven bores who corner you at parties and breathe lager and the advantages of OS/2 all over you. They still can be trusted to have witty quote or two from the good book to liven up a dull dull conversation, my personal favourite is a primary expression followed by an expression in square brackets is a primary expression. Not withstanding these faults, it should be noted that some C programmers are incredibly together people, who turn over an honest penny writing articles for computer mags. ___________________________________________________________________________ 'ER INDOORS COLUMN INITIAL EXPLANATION. It should be explained at this stage, that 'Er Indoors (Jenny, by name) is a) small b) non-technical c) accident prone d) Attracts ridiculous situations like a magnet e) writes hysterical descriptions of the aforementioned events to relatives. It should also be said that I am the boss in this house, and I have Jenny's permission to say so. This being the case "I" have decided to pass these literary gems on to you.I accept no responsibility for anyone being overcome by hysteria or any other medical condition as a consequence of reading them. SAGA NUMBER 1 I have discovered a completely new Sport. I am thinking of putting it forward for the Olympic Games. It is called "Duvet Wrestling" Under the old system I had two sheets and two blankets, into which I slithered or slid like a sardine into a can. Unfortunately, my some times dearly beloved husband put his size eleven welly through one of the blankets, owing to the fact that the posh ones are in the guest bedroom downstairs. This necessitated an EAST/WEST summit as to what we should replace these with. The decision was DUVETS. As my husband (dearly beloved ) is only a mere eighteen stone he decided, with the background of a University Education, to have six foot duvets for three foot beds. As I am only five foot tall this is not easy for me, and I have started to wander. I have found Southwest corners and Northeast corners and on one terrible occasion the pillows ended up in the middle of the bed and I ended up climbing the Hindu Kush ! I have been enfolded on at least two occasions and had to be extricated like a sausage from a sausage roll, with me as a very thin sausage in an extremely thick wodge of pastry. This is dreadfully embarrassing. My husband has had to extricate me, which is even more embarrassing. We have got Togs. We have got a thin tog and a thick tog which are held together by very posh press-studs. This is because, in British summertime, we can separate the thick tog from the thin tog, thus evening out the temperature thereunder. Under the advice of my son, (who I will never, ever trust again) I placed the clean duvet cover upon the carpet, I then grasped the togs and tunnelled into the duvet- cover. Having been down the mine shaft, there was a feathery cave-in at the back of me. It took me ten minutes to get out, and I was extremely badly shaken. Yours in exhaustion, 'Er Indoors. P.S. Hysteria is setting in! My ( sometimes ) beloved husband is trying to assemble A DESK in order to place his computer upon it. To date, the sixth shelf will not behave and the seventh shelf's parents were not married ! Further more - the instructions are totally rubbish and out of date and when he put the bolts in all the holes were gone! The "A" bolts are apparently geared to the "B" sockets, and it requires three arms to shove one shelf into the other. Can I stand the suspense and his bad back at the same time ! He says it would take a Colonel in R.E.M.E. with an Ex-Concorde toolkit to assemble it. I remember my father trying to work out how to stick together a three legged wooden stool kit. He was a superb athlete and a military small arms expert.....He failed too! Footnote: I finished it !!!! Anyone buying a Telecom Buylines CombiTwin desk to put their trusty PC on...well I recommend it, but you had better be (a) fit (b) patient. ___________________________________________________________________________ THE SAGA OF THE HAIRY UDDERS I've never had a great deal to do with Pharmacies before and consequently when I started I didn't really know what to expect. Most of it is what you would expect - coughs and colds and that sort of thing, but just once in a while e real gem comes along. A couple of months ago our local hairdresser came in. He's ever such a nice lad and apart from hairdressing he farms about a hundred dairy cattle with his father. This may sound a bit complicated but do read on! Apparently the EEC pays out subsidies for "clean milk" but to have "clean milk" one must also have clean cows. As out delightful climate usually runs to rain,rain and more rain the above mentioned cows come in to be milked covered in mud (and presumably other things which I am too polite to mention) and it is a devil of a job to wash it off the cow's hairy udders. Actually, that is one of the facts of life that has completely passed me by until now. Anyway, back to the udders and the mud. The hairdresser, who is an enterprising lad, decided to cut down on the work-load and came up with (to me anyway ) the brilliant idea of borrowing his wife's Immac hair remover and trying it out on one of the cows, and it worked a treat, so off he came to the shop. Unfortunately, it worked out that he needed three tubes of Immac to one udder and, as there are one hundred cows, that was 300 tubes at œ1.13 per tube. The cost therefore was prohibitive. He then had Robert pouring over ancient, vast Pharmaceutical Tomes in search of a "recipe" so that Robert could make it up in a plastic dustbin (presumably so that he could slosh it on with a yard brush) but this was to no avail. The manufacturers keep their recipes TOP SECRET. I suggested a Ladyshave, but this was rejected out of hand. I then came up with the outstanding idea of using Stripwax but was very coldly told that when ripped off an udder the cow was likely to do a standing leap of six feet and be put off its milk yield for a year! Then I was told to go away, which was just as well really, because by this time I was bordering on hysteria. Have you ever heard anything so nutty in your life - honestly, they were so SERIOUS about it and the only thing I could do was fall about....... ..........It really did happen exactly like that. The scheme was abandoned !! Maybe I could start a range of Make-up for Cows ?? Could always call it Mooooooonshine...... or For Heifer and Heifer..... ___________________________________________________________________________ REAL SOFTWARE ENGINEERS DON'T READ DUMPS Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused. Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don't have to. Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though. Real software engineers eat quiche. If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't program in it. Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought. Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine." Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days. Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy. Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure. Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy. Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have not quite decided on a formal spec yet. Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns out to be difficult to actually RUN these). Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/I is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built in function. Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users, either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and verification of algorithms is all about. Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at ALL levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages. Real software engineers think better while playing WIFF 'N' PROOF. ___________________________________________________________________________ WOODY ALLEN ON BEING KIDNAPPED AS A CHILD: I got into the car with them. They drive me off and they send a ransom note to my parents. And my father has bad reading habits. He gets into bed at night with the ranson note and he read half of it and he got drowsy and fell asleep...then he lent it out. Meanwhile, they take me to New Jersey, bound and gagged, and my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately. They rent out my room. The ransom note says for my father to leave $1000 in a hollow tree in New Jersey. He has no trouble raising a $1000, but he gets a hernia carrying the hollow tree. ONE OF THE BEST ROUTINES HE EVER DID WAS THIS MOOSE ROUTINE: I shot a moose once. I was hunting in upstate New York, and I shot a moose and I strapped him onto the fender of my car and I'm driving home along the West Side Highway, but what I didn't realise was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased his scalp, knocking him unconscious. And I'm driving through the Holland Tunnel and the moose woke up. So I'm driving with a live moose on my fender...and the moose is hand signalling...and there's a law in New York State against driving with a conscious moose on your fender...Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays...and I'm very panicky...then it hits me. Some friends of mine are having a costume party: I'll go, take the moose, I'll ditch him at the party it wouldn't be my responsibility. So I drive up to the party, I knock on the door, the moose is next to me. My host comes to the door. I say "Hello, you know the Solomons?" We enter. The moose mingles very well...scored...some guy was trying to sell him insurance for an hour and a half. 12 o'clock comes. They give out prizes for the best costume of the night. First prize goes to the Berkowitzes, a married couple dressed as a moose. The moose comes in second. THE MOOSE IS FURIOUS! He and the Berkowitzes lock antlers in the living room. They knock each other unconscious. Now, I figure, here's my chance, I grab the moose, strap him on my fender, shoot back to the woods...But!...I've got the Berkowitzes!!! So I'm driving along with two Jewish people on my fender...There's a law in New York State...Tuesdays, Thursdays and especially Saturdays...The following morning the Berkowitzes wake up in the woods in a moose suit. Mr. Berkowitz is shot, stuffed and mounted at the New York Athletic Club. And the joke is on them 'cos there's no Jews allowed!!! BRANDISHING A GOLD POCKET WATCH, HE COMMENTS: My grandfather on his deathbed sold me this watch. My grandfather was a very insignificant man. At his funeral the hearse followed the other cars. HIS WIFES BIRTHDAY: It was my wifes birthday and we used to exchange novelty gifts all the time. So I bought her, in a Third Avenue antique shop, an electric chair. I told her it was a hairdryer. It blew out all the lights in the house, y'know, but it gave her a great tan. A LOVE STORY: I'm gonna tell a love story now. This occurred before I was married, a long time ago, in Manhatten, this was at City Centre, ages ago. I was watching a ballet at City Centre. I'm not a ballet fan at all, but they were doing the dying swan (Swan Lake). There was a rumour that some bookmakers had drifted into town from up-state New York, that they had fixed the ballet. Apparently there was a lot of money bet on the swan to live... And I look in the box and I see a girl - and my weak spot is women - I always think some day they're gonna make me a birthday party and wheel out a tremendous birthday cake, and a giant naked woman is gonna leap out of the cake and hurt me, and leap back in. So I pick up this girl, I was very glib. She was a brilliant girl, she was a Bennington University girl, studying at Bennington to be a woman male nurse, a four year program, working on a term paper on the increasing incidence of heterosexuality among homosexuals. ___________________________________________________________________________ THE SEX LIFE OF AN ELECTRON By Body Current One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to try to get a cute coil to let him discharge. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across Wheatstone bridge, around the sine wave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by Millieas Characteristic curves, decided to engage in a little mutual inductance, and soon had her resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her capacitance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it into her tank circuit, connecting them in parallel, and began to short circuit her shunt. Fully excited, Millie Amp cried, "Mho, Mho, it Hertz, but give me Mho." With his tube operation at maximum amplitude and her coil vibrating form the current flow, they soon reached plate saturation and found their cutoff point. The heavy current flow had gotten the anodes of her tubes hot and Micro Farad was rapidly discharged and drained of every electron. They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until his bar magnet had lost all of its field strength and her grid was leaking. Afterwards, Millie Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged and his contacts corroded, Micro Farad was unable to excite his generator, so they ended by reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses........ ___________________________________________________________________________ JUDGE: "So Mr Mouse you say you want to divorce minie your wife because she has buck teeth?" MICKEY:"No I said I wanted the divorce because she was fucking goofy" ___________________________________________________________________________ Mary had a little lamb, She tied it to a pylon, 10,000 volts went up her bum, And turned her wool to nylon. End...