There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. -- Jeremy S. Anderson %% Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx %% I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. -- Ashleigh Brilliant %% History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion. i.e., none to speak of. -- Lazarus Long %% To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance. --Oscar Wilde %% Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx %% Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. --G Ed Howe %% Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify. %% Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty. %% The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. -- Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson) %% I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. -- Woody Allen %% Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -- Albert Einstein %% Computers are supposed to serve man, not vice versa, the experience of the last 40 years notwithstanding. -- Larry Wall %% The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you. -- Woody Allen %% The three principle virtues of a programmer are Laziness, Impatience and Hubris. -- Larry Wall %% What's the difference between a terrorist and a Team-OS/2er ? You can negotiate with the terrorist. -- David Barnes %% Usenet is essentially Letters to the Editor without the editor. Editors don't appreciate this, for some reason. -- Larry Wall %% This is an airconditioned room, do not open Windows. -- Panu, IRC #amiga %% German is a great language to build high performance motor cycles in... -- Terry Pratchett %% "You, you've got no ambition! You're content just existing! You need what I've got." "Herpes?" -- Ivan und Josh in Tapeheads %% I must've seen it in a USENET posting; that's sort of like hearsay evidence from Richard Nixon... -- Blair Houghton %% All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates. -- Woody Allen %% We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. %% Everywhere I've been in Manhattan the streets are called "Walk" and "Don't Walk". -- Terry Pratchett %% Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets -- The Brigader, Dr. Who %% Who is General Failure and why's he reading my hard disk? %% Are we too far gone, are we so irresponsible Have we lost our balls, or do we just not care -- Marillion, The Last Straw %% I'm Canadian actually. It's like an American, but without the gun. -- David Foley %% Idle lawyers tend to become politicians, so there is a certain social value in keeping lawyers busy. -- Galvin, Peterson, Silberschatz %% I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. --nicked from Jim Harkins %% I was a free thinker ; then I discovered you could charge money for it. -- Cormac McGaughey %% USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot'. -- Dave Barry %% UNIX _IS_ user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are. %% I know UNIX, ADA, FORTH, APL, PASCAL, C, C++, FORTRAN, COBOL, SMALLTALK, LISP, PROLOG, and nineteen other high-tech words. %% A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. -- John Ciardi %% Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if one went to Harvard). -- Edgar R. Fiedler %% For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. -- H. L. Mencken %% Don't hit a man when he's down - kick him; it's easier. %% Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. -- Jerome Lettvin %% Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. %% I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. -- Winston Churchill %% I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky %% People using HTML in news should be happy to get away alive. -- Tony Svanstrom %% There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. -- C.S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia %% I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. -- Nero Wolfe %% If you cannot convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S. Truman %% A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain %% We have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt Kelly %% Anyone who hates dogs and kids can't be all bad. -- W. C. Fields %% Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain %% Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthy %% America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. -- John O'Hara %% Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones %% There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. -- Henry Kissinger %% Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. -- Oscar Wilde %% It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal %% Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- Wernher von Braun %% I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Jean Nathan %% Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." -- Russell Long %% If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. -- Earl Wilson %% If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? -- Richard Nixon %% I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. -- Will Rogers %% I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson %% A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt %% Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. -- Leo C. Rosten %% A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. -- Alfred E. Wiggam %% I have a very firm grasp on reality; I can reach out and strangle it any time I want.... -- Carl Greenberg %% The clothes have no emperor. -- C. A. Hoare, about Ada %% You may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth. -- Nicklaus Wirth %% If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank. -- Woody Allen %% The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money. -- Ed Bluestone %% Reading legal mush can turn your brain to guacamole! -- Amiga ROM Kernel Manual %% This will be dynamically handled, possibly correctly, in 4.1. -- Dan Davison on streams configuration in SunOS 4.0 %% Oh boy, virtual memory! Now I'm gonna make myself a REALLY BIG ram disk! -- lennox@shire.hw.stratus.com %% File names are infinite in length where infinity is set to 255 characters. -- Peter Collinson, "The Unix File System" %% COBOL is not dead, it just smells that way. -- major@pta.oz.au %% To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. -- Woody Allen %% Unix is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully. -- Belinda Asbell %% He was determined to discover the underlying logic behind the universe. Which was going to be hard, because there wasn't one. -- Terry Pratchett, "Mort" %% Only a dead fish goes with the flow. -- Ethan Evans %% Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life. -- Andrew Brown, "The Independent" %% Twas a woman that drove me to drink......never had the decency to write and thank her. -- W.C. Fields %% Life is a tragedy to those who feel, and a comedy for those who think. -- Jean DeLaBruyere %% Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is *NOTHING* like Shakespeare. -- Blair Houghton %% C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. -- Bjarne Stroustrup %% It's 106 ms to Chicago, we've got a full disk of GIFs, half a meg of hypertext, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. Click it. -- %% The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. -- George Bernard Shaw %% To iterate is human, to recurse divine. -- L. Peter Deutsch %% Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting. -- Winston S. Churchill %% Keep it simple: as simple as possible, but no simpler. -- A. Einstein %% Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary %% I may be an ass, but it took me a long time to become one. -- Alan Hopper (Greg Cruttwell) in "2 Days in the Valley" %% Linux ohne Perl ist wie Arnold ohne Wumme. -- ingolfo in #LinuxGER %% You should also consider that the ST comes fully equipped with a text adventure. It's called ST Basic. -- Amylaar %% I thought that this was just a phase, then it turned out to be my life. %% If Bill Gates had a penny for every time Windows crashed... ..oh wait, he does. %% WYSIWYG - What you see is what you get; but what you get is Schrott :-( -- Stefan Czinczoll %% The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum %% The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. -- William Clayton %% I know at least one big Brazlian ruin, Daniel. It's Ronaldo. -- %% A scientist is a machine to convert coffee into theories. -- Joern-Dieter Beckmann %% A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to make a living. -- Ralph Noble %% Programming is similar to sex. If you make a mistake, you have to support it for the rest of your life. %% That's the problem with nature, something's always stinging you or oozing mucous all over you. Let's go and watch TV. -- Calvin %% You don't need to be faster than the bear which is chasing you. You merely need to be faster - or less tasty - than the others running with you. -- from "Maintaining system security" %% "SPARC" is "CRAPS" backwards. -- Rob Pike %% Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. -- Rodger Donaldson %% There is no such thing as sleep deprivation, only caffeine deficiency. -- David Simmons %% ObSig: "Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California." -- Edsger Dijkstra %% Window: Something out of which you jump when the power fails and you lose a large program. -- Apple II Ref. Manual %% Life would be much easier to understand if mother nature gave us the source code. -- Graeme MacWilliam %% REAL fortran programmers can program fortran in any language. -- Allen Brown %% I knew three different ways of proving this result, but unfortunately I chose a fourth way. -- John von Neumann %% Young man, in mathematics you don't understand things, you just get used to them. -- John von Neumann %% Any sufficiently advanced cluelessness is indistinguishable from humour. -- Francois Souchay in news.admin.policy %% Did you ever wish kill files were like little electronic voodoo dolls, and really did what they said? -- Perry Ross in rec.scuba %% A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you didn't even know existed can render your own computer unusable. -- Leslie Lamport %% God is real -- unless declared integer. -- Christian Holtje %% A computer without COBOL and FORTRAN is like a piece of chocolate cake without katchup or mustard. -- John Krueger in a.r.k %% Anyone who knows Dan Quayle knows that, given a choice between golf and sex, he'll choose golf every time. -- Mrs. Marilyn Quayle %% Whatever you guys want, I'm for. -- Dan Quayle to Ohio Farmers %% If you lie to the compiler, it will get its revenge. -- Henry Spencer %% C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. -- Henry Spencer %% SVR4 resembles a high-speed collision between SVR3 and SunOS. -- Dick Dunn %% Altruism is a fine motive, but if you want results, greed works much better. -- Henry Spencer %% Belief is no substitute for arithmetic. -- Henry Spencer %% I hope to get Perl 5 out this summer, for certain values of summer. -- Larry Wall %% This may seem a bit weird, but that's okay, because it is weird. -- The Perl v5.0 manual page %% A good messenger expects to get shot. -- Larry Wall %% Let's say the docs present a simplified view of reality... -- Larry Wall %% Sometimes I wish I could put an expiration date on my quotes. -- Larry Wall %% The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. -- Tom Christiansen %% Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of course, living in a state of sin. -- John von Neumann %% Software is like sex: It's better when it's free. -- Linus Torvalds %% Unix? What's that? Is that like Linux? -- Jurgen Botz %% Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to using Windows NT for mission-critical applications. -- what Yoda *meant* to say %% Take USABLE from UNSTABLE and you get NT. -- Christopher Browne %% Windows 95, the most installed system in the world, I know, I've done it 5 or 6 times myself. -- Ken C. %% Gone are the good old days, when we were discussing whether mounting a Windows NT machine was S&M or necrophilia. -- Arne J. Ludwig %% MS-DOS is the worst text adventure game I have ever played: poor vocabulary, weak parser and a boring storyline. -- Christoph Guelicher %% There is this special biologist word we use for "stable". It is "dead". -- Jack Cohen %% We may note that, for the purposes of these experiments, the symbol "=" has the meaning "may be confused with." -- Mark A. Horton %% Some call me '^F[a-z\'-]+$', but I have many names". -- Malcolm Ray %% Remember - if all you have is an axe, every problem looks like hours of fun. -- Frossie %% I'm locked in a maze of little projects, all of which suck. -- Chris "Saundo" Saunderson %% Don't ask *me* how you set the trust-level of a god. -- Par Leijonhufvud %% The difference between math and physics is the difference between masturbation and sex. -- Paul Tomblin %% We aim to please. Ourselves, mostly, but we do aim to please. -- Anthony DeBoer %% I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. -- Lieven Marchand %% Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product. -- Ferenc Mantfeld %% ALL programs are poems, it's just that not all programmers are poets. -- Jonathan Guthrie %% Windows is the answer, but only if the question was "what is the intellectual equivalent of being a galley slave?" -- Larry Smith %% Give a man dynamite and soon the village will be showered with mud and rocks and unrecognisable bits of fish. -- Peter Gutmann %% To rephrase, spam is not the answer. Spam is the question. Death is not the answer, but pretty close to it. -- Vadik %% While preceding your entrance with a grenade is a good tactic in Quake, it can lead to problems if attempted at work. -- C. Hacking %% People who love sausages, respect the law, and work with IT standards shouldn't watch any of them being made. -- Peter Gutmann %% I'm sorry, I can't be a Jehovah's Witness, as I didn't see Jehovah's accident. -- Chris Suslowicz %% NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands. -- Derry Hamilton %% Lusers. Can't live with 'em, can't run 'em over in the car park and make it look like an accident... -- Chris King %% NT is a one-legged cow, but even a one legged cow is fast when it's got 160+ rockets strapped to it. -- Nick Manka %% The old "give 'em a Linux box and they think they're Jean-Luc Picard" syndrome. -- Pete Bentley %% Life is like sendmail: you're not sure you know how to handle it, but you know it'll end in tears. -- Malcolm Ray %% Life is like sendmail: It's complicated and hard to understand, but it sure beats the alternative. -- Paul Tomblin %% I admit that X is the second worst windowing system in the world, but all the others I've used are tied for first. -- Paul Tomblin %% Gentlemen! You can't fight in here! This is the war room. -- Dr. Stangelove %% Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. -- Timothy Jones %% If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. -- Dirk Nuyens %% To ensure peace of mind, ignore the rules and regulations. -- George Aide %% A wrong note played hesitatingly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with conviction is interpretation. -- Douglas E. Wegscheid %% The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. -- George Bernard Shaw %% If you let the system beat you long enough, eventually it'll get tired. -- %% If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets. -- David Bedno %% We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. -- Martien Verbruggen %% I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -- Dave Edison %% A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. -- Martien Verbruggen %% GPS is just another excuse for men not to ask for directions. -- Richard Horwitz %% Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain %% Anything will burn with enough gasoline and dynamite. -- Robert A. Heinlein %% Opinions expressed herein must be yours, neither I nor my employer have any. -- Larry Maturo %% Watch out! This gun is loaded and so am I. -- Major Denis Bloodnok %% In short, members of the United States Congress enjoy more job security than members of the Supreme Soviet. -- CNN, 7 Nov 1990 %% Save the Whales. Collect the entire set! -- John Will %% I have looked into the abyss, and the abyss has looked into me. Neither liked what we saw. -- Brother Theodore %% Lawyers should never marry other lawyers. This is called inbreeding, from which comes idiot children and more lawyers. -- Cal Jewell %% Attorneys are paranoid because they assume everybody else is dishonest too. -- Stephen Friedl %% There are three types of people in the world: those who are good at math and those who aren't. -- Thomas Gunter %% I hate people... people make me pro-nuclear. -- M. Smith %% Give a man a fish and he eats for a night. Give a man a gun and he will take care of himself. -- %% Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I chose to climb the nearest tree. And that has made all the difference. -- Norman Richards %% Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. -- Prof. Irwin Corey %% I have the heart of a little child, and the brain of a genius - and I keep them in a jar under my bed. -- Howard Stateman %% The secret to good teaching is sincerity. As soon as you learn to fake that, you've got it made. -- %% Experience has shown us that men and nations will often act wisely once they have exhausted all available alternatives. -- Paul Suliin %% It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. -- Jack Handey %% The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the sword is very short and the pen is very sharp. -- Barny Shergold %% Beer makes you smart! Well it made Bud wiser. -- %% I'll get a life when it is proven and substantiated to be better than what I am currently experiencing. -- Troy C. Belding %% I've got an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. -- Roger Bicknell %% If you kill one person, you are an assassin. If you kill a million people, you are a conquerer. If you kill everyone, you are a god. -- Conrad Bland %% There is no idea so sacred that it cannot be questioned, analyzed... and ridiculed. -- Cal Keegan %% 24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence? %% A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. -- Jack Handey %% Love is an equation: a me and a you derives a we. -- Richard Fish %% Problem is just a bleak word for challenge. -- Richard Fish %% I can't do anything about it, but I'd be happy to sympathize. -- Richard Fish %% I'm nothing if not redundant. I also repeat myself. -- Richard Fish %% It's not just winning. It's winning ugly that matters. -- Richard Fish %% I don't mind losing, it's high profile losing that is not good. -- Richard Fish %% It's not my style to care about others, but what's going on? -- Richard Fish %% 'Death do us part.' You parted, now what is holding up the death? -- Richard Fish %% If we win we are heros, we pulled off a miracle. If we lose the wacko goes to jail, justice is served. It is a win/win! -- Richard Fish %% Everyone is alone. It's just easier to take in a relationship. -- Richard Fish %% There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to go forth and be vicious! -- Richard Fish %% Verbal spankings leave me wanting for more. -- Richard Fish %% If you don't kiss a girl on the first date, you're a gentleman. If you don't on the second, you're gay. -- Richard Fish %% I plan to have character one day, great character, but if you want to be rich you better get the money before the scruples set in. -- Richard Fish %% Never trust a second thought. Where there is two there is three. You will end up thinking forever. -- Richard Fish %% Personal questions don't bother me. I just lie. -- Richard Fish %% Selfishism. Everybody's looking to get ahead, everybody gets ahead. I try to set the example here. -- Richard Fish %% That remark would hurt if I had feelings. -- Richard Fish %% Men love any woman they wanna sleep with. It's the ticket to admission. -- Richard Fish %% It's not denial. I'm just very selective of the reality I accept. -- Calvin %% USENET is a wonderful mechanism for making a fool of yourself in front of a very large audience. -- Lars Poulsen %% ...an initial underscore already conveys strong feelings of magicalness to a C programmer. -- Larry Wall %% Programme sollten nicht nur aufgrund von Wahrscheinlichkeiten funktionieren. -- Thomas Richter %% In science there is only physics; everything else is stamp collecting. -- Ernst Rutherford %% Women are superior to men... Too bad we own everything! -- Tim Allen %% I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is... I could be just as proud for half the money. -- Arthur Godfrey %% I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple. -- Hunter McGirt %% Internet is a good way to get into the Net. -- Bob Dole 1996 %% Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America -- Dave Barry %% If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe %% I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it. -- Voltaire %% God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. -- Paul Valery %% Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employ a million. -- Mark Twain %% I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness. -- Steve Martin %% I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. %% Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... the other eight are unimportant. -- Henry Miller %% Americans never recognize an idea unless it has white wings or a forked tail. -- H. L. Mencken %% The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another. -- James Matthew Barrie %% It is not true that life is one damn thing after another... It's one damn thing over and over. -- Edna St. Vincent Millay %% I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! -- Tom Lehrer %% If we judge of love by its usual effects, it resembles hatred more than friendship. -- La Rochefoucauld %% Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion. -- Miguel de Unamuno %% Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. -- Robert Firth %% All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. %% Truth is the most valuable thing we have - so let us economize it. -- Mark Twain %% I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses. -- Victor Hugo %% The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them. -- Nicolaides %% I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. -- Woody Allen %% It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it. -- Gilbert K. Chesterton %% Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein. -- Joe Theisman %% It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. -- Darren Weinberg %% "That unit is a woman." "A mass of conflicting impulses." -- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9 %% The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. -- George Patton %% Applicants must also have extensive knowledge of Unix, although they should have sufficiently good programming taste to not consider this an achievement. -- Hal Abelson, MIT job advertisement %% Seriousness is stupidity sent to college. -- PJ O'Rourke %% We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami. -- Dave Barry %% Sometimes I am so darned proud to be an American that I have to lean over and hold my stomach. -- Dave Barry %% I have plenty of common sense, I just choose to ignore it. -- Calvin %% Statistics show that most people are in the majority, while a few are in the minority. -- Nitin Borwankar %% Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. -- Donald Knuth %% It is better to rule in hell than to serve in heaven. -- Khan, "Star Trek, (Space Seed)" %% I don't trust men that smile too much. -- Kor, the Klingon, "Star Trek, (Errand of Mercy)" %% The best diplomat I know is a fully charged phaser bank. -- Scotty, "Star Trek, (A Taste of Armegeddon)" %% Please Mrs. Troi! ... and it's Worf not Woof. -- Worf, "Star Trek: The Next Generation, (Half a Life)" %% Behind every successful man stands an amazed woman. -- Anonymous %% A society without religion is like a crazed psychopath without a loaded .45! %% Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey %% Capital letters were always the best way of dealing with things you didn't have a good answer to. -- Douglas Adams %% I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. -- Douglas Adams %% Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. -- Henry Brooks Adams %% Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. -- Joey Adams %% Religions change; beer and wine remain. -- Harvey Allen %% I took a speed reading course and read "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. -- Woody Allen %% I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick - not wounded - dead. -- Woody Allen %% If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing. -- Kingsley Amis %% It is no wonder people are so horrible when they start life as children. -- Kingsley Amis %% Women like silent men. They think they're listening. -- Marcel Archard %% He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god. -- Aristotle %% Linux is only free if your time has no value. -- Jamie Zawinsky %% I'm not a sexist, but I'm pretty good. -- Tom Arnold %% If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them. -- Isaac Asimov %% An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness. -- Margaret Atwood %% My good intentions are completely lethal. -- Margaret Atwood %% I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them. -- Jane Austen %% Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. -- Jim Backus %% There is no great concurrence between learning and wisdom. -- Francis Bacon %% The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. -- Walter Bagehot %% When they discover the centre of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it. -- Bernard Bailey %% Behind every great fortune there is a crime. -- Honore de Balzac %% Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. -- Tallulah Bankhead %% Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. %% -- Dave Barry These childhood memories - I have them often, but can usually keep them under control with the use of drugs. -- Dave Barry %% Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? -- Dave Barry %% If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile. -- Lynda Barry %% A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. -- John Barrymore %% Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. -- R S Barton %% If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the teacher. -- Stacey Bass %% The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. -- Brendan Behan %% The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. -- Robert Benchley %% Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways. -- Stephen Vincent Benet %% Every law is an infraction of liberty. -- Jeremy Bentham %% Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago. -- Bernard Berenson %% Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. -- Hector Louis Berlioz %% As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand. -- Josh Billings %% The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his way. -- Josh Billings %% I date this girl for two years - and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name." -- Mike Binder %% I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. -- David Bissonette %% We must laugh at man, to avoid crying for him. -- Napoleon Bonaparte %% No matter where you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo Bonzai %% A bird in the hand is dead. -- Rhonda Boozer %% When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. -- James H Boren %% Perl - The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption. -- Keith Bostic %% Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them. -- Dion Boucicault %% The next best thing to being witty one's self, is to be able to quote another's wit. -- Bovee %% If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee... that will do them in. -- Bradley's Bromide %% Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein %% There's no fool like an old fool - you can't beat experience. -- Jacob Braude %% The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid. -- Richard Braunstein %% If life had a vomit meter, we'd be off the scale. -- Joe Bob Briggs %% By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. -- Ashleigh Brilliant %% It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me. -- Ashleigh Brilliant %% My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure. -- Ashleigh Brilliant %% To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. -- Ashleigh Brilliant %% Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking. -- H Jackson Brown %% A deadline is negative inspiration. Still, it's better than no inspiration at all. -- Rita Mae Brown %% One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. -- Rita Mae Brown %% You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners. -- Rita Mae Brown %% I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection with income tax policies. -- William F Buckley %% If you want a place in the sun, prepare to put up with a few blisters. -- Abigail Von Buren %% The true danger is when liberty is nibbled away, for expedience, and by parts. -- Edmund Burke %% If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made because very very few people die past the age of a hundred. -- George Burns %% Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. -- George Burns %% To treat your facts with imagination is one thing, but to imagine your facts is another. -- John Burroughs %% Paradise is exactly like where you are right now, only much, much better. -- William S. Burroughs %% Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts. -- William S. Burroughs %% The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself. -- Richard Francis Burton %% He hasn't an enemy in the world but all his friends hate him. -- Eddie Cantor %% You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. -- Al Capone %% Teach a parrot the terms "supply and demand" and you've got an economist. -- Thomas Carlyle %% Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -- Wynn Catlin %% If this makes no sense to you, it's because you're a human, as opposed to a lawyer. -- Dave Barry %% ...only he is an emancipated thinker who is not afraid to write foolish things. -- Anton Chekhov %% I still believe in liberalism today as much as I ever did, but, oh, there was a happy time when I believed in liberals... -- G K Chesterton %% History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. -- Winston Churchill %% I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. -- Winston Churchill %% Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. -- Winston Churchill %% You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else. -- Winston Churchill %% Talent borrows, but genius steals. -- Arthur C. Clarke %% The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. -- Alan Coult %% Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -- Norman Cousins %% History is a vast early warning system. -- Norman Cousins %% When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow %% For the record, here in the United States, we do not have an official court jester. We have Congress. -- Dave Barry %% Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralysing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. -- Guy Davenport %% The wit of a graduate student is like champagne. Canadian champagne. -- Robertson Davies %% The world is full of people whose notion of a satisfactory future is, in fact, a return to the idealized past. -- Robertson Davies %%