DRINKING BEER AND TORTURE YOUR    COMPUTER - OR: WHEN DOPE IS NOT ENUFF!--------------------------------------..an alcoholic story about re-animatedcamel - cadavers   and   disorientatedballistic missiles..................  ...by JONAH of UNICORN, the proclaimerof insanity!                                                                Sometimes you sure get the feeling  ofboozing around when sitting  in  frontof your Amiga,  exspecially  if you>recheckin> out your latest  stuff  whichjust arrived at your post-box, and youare amazed how much shit  people  dareto send you...There> s, for example, anice disk with some nice  stickers  onit, it also  sounds  quite nice if putinto  your  machine  (you  know,  that>shigg - shigg - shigg> -  tune  whichgenerates a growing feeling  of  panicin some  users, exspecially  when  thedisc contains some serious worx.....),and finally the boot-intro  appears...Hmm...what>s  that...Ah  yes, a  demo-compacting...Hmm...let>s try the firstone! -At this point we  interrupt  theongoing process of wordfull - orgasmicliterary article-writing for a certaindiscussion about the  options  a  gooddemo-compact should  have... Probably,this  discussion   will   never  held,because the originators of  all  thesecompacts seem unable to find a way  tochoose the desired proggies  with  thefine-tuning-button of a 1084-Monitor..Shame! >That  should  be  easy!>  saidSaddam and occupied Kuwait...Well, butlet>s hurry back to the main(?)-story.Yes, where did we stop...Hmm...compactdiscs...yeah, you  now  probably  havechosen one of the demos which are selfrighteously present  on  this  certaincompacting...Demo nummero uno is: >HOWTO  BE  A  COMPLETE  IDIOT   AND  CODEANOTHER FILLED-VECTOR-DEMO> by  a  newborn group called >M-E-R-S> ( This  isnot the  name  of  that  awfull  role-playing-game,it>s short for >Mary eatsradioactive spagghetti>!! (By the way,this  name   is   (c)  by  JONAH   KEAnamegivingindustries...Hur hur!)...Ok,the demo seems to load up correctly...After a short while, you mention  somegreen-blue-white stripes flashing overyour nikotincovered monitor, while youhear the sound of your mother>s vacuumcleaner from behind..>I>ve to clean-upyour room before father comes home!>..and  with  this  words  she  begins toslurp your dusty room with the cleanerup and down and  left  and  right  andeast and west and hip and  hop... It>sterrible! You now see some gfx-effectson the  screen, followed  up  by  someancient bob-routines, but you hear  NOSOUND! >Aaargh, Mom!> you shout,  >Whymust you start cleaning my room every-time I wanna check out some demos, eh?Why must you  use  this  motherfuckingvacuum-cleaner for your cleaning,  whydon>t you  use  some  dusters  insteadwith >clean-up silently>-option?  Why?WHY?? Uaaa..> You shout  in agony, butyour mom seems unable to  hear you be-cause of all  the  noise  this  crappycleaner  produces.. .Well...After  tenminutes of  earache,  you>re  able  tohear the first  bleps  and  beeps  andbumps and humps from the music of  thedemo... But   what>s   that?   Another>KYLIE MINOUGE  MEETS  SLAYER> - musicfrom an unknown musician... Well, thisguy will  probably  stay  unknown  forthe rest of his life..If he  continuesmaking music  like  this...This  musicsounds like...like...eerhhmm...like  aengine-damaged  motorboat  with  three90-years-old ladies  in  it  who  havedisabled their ear-phones  and try  totell   eachother   the   philosophicalbackgrounds from the movie >GONE  WITHTHE WIND"...Hmm, well, that>s not yourstyle of music, eh? No..But, after allyou>re  inspired  by  the  compositoryfreedom  the  creator  of  this  musicprobably had...Ok! >I>m also  able  tomake music  like this!> you mumble  inyour weird-shaped moustache, and  likea flash of light, you grab your Noise-Tracker-disc, pull the compacting  outof your  internal  drive and  push theother disc in it...Ok, several secondslater (it  took a  bit longer  becauseyou forgot to remove your  module-discfrom DF1:and that forces the system tospit  out  the >can>t  assign   st-00:assign failed>- error-message...)  thetracker  is  in  memory  and  you  nowcontinue your artful work by searchingsome   jerky   samples   for  you  newcomposition...Hmm, let me see...ST-21:Ahh! There>s a sample  called  >PUSSY-SOUND OF MOTHER THERESA>..sounds quiteinteresting, let>s try  it...-At  thispoint we  must  again  interrupt  thisinteresting and  serious  article  forthe announcement of  another  outstan-ding discussion about the  Atari ST...Did you know  that 43  percent of  theAtariusers  are  named > Oliver>?  Youdidn>t know that?  You  see,  you  canlearn  very   much   by  reading  thisarticle! But let>s  go  back...Ok, thenames of your samples you have  chosenso far are: >PUSSY - SOUND  OF  MOTHERTHERESA>, a  sample  which  creates  avoice telling >BRAK DAK HIP HOP  SHMUGSHMUG>, a bass with the  name  >LAMER-BASS>(sounds like a rusty garage-door)some percussions,sampled directly fromyour  mother>s  frying-pans , and  thesound of a PATRIOT-rocket when hittingan iraqi SCUD-missile! (actually, thissound   has  been   cleared  by  iraqicensors, so the sample is just  1kbytelong,  but   no  matter, so  you  safememory-space!)... Ok  ok  ok, you  nowbegin to arrange  all  the  samples...After three  hours  of  sweat-bringingactivity you save your masterpiece  asa module and you now can watch the funsome  read/write - errors  bring  whenpresent on your  module-disc... Ha  haha, what a  joke, the  work  of  threehours is nuked by a simple  error...Nono, don>t  resignate, you  still  havesome  empty  discs  left...Yes, empty,but not formatted...Shit...What do youdo now, babe? Commit suicide?  -Break!Break! Break!  Again  an  interruptionof the running flow of  words  in thisentertaining    piece   of   assembledletters... Did  you  know, the  safestmethod  of  committing  suicide is  towear ties if you work in a print-mediafactory... Or can>t  you imagine  whathappens  if  your  tie  slips  into  aprint-roll  which  rotates  with  6000rounds  per  minute?... Rrrigh t  backafter the  break  and  insane as ever!Continue : 5   4   3   2   1   : Yeah,you>ve chose to  save  your  work as asong which doesn>t  need so much  discspace...Well, there>s still one  thingleft...A name! Yes,  you torture  youralcohol-damaged brain, but there>s  noholy ignition today..Maybe you>ve castall your powers  by  figuring  out allthe    functions    of   that   awfullelectronic  coffee  -  maker   in  theauditorium of your job>s place...Hmmmm>Oh my god, let me  have  some  divineideas for this!!> you pray,but nothinghappens...After phoning  some  friendsand asking  for  cool  ideas, you  arefrustrated...Nobody  is  here to  tellyou a good name for your song... Maybeyou should  call it > THE  MEANING  OFLIFE - OR: PREGNANT WOMEN ARE HARD  TOFUCK WITH>, or >SLIME MAKES THE  WORLDGO ROUND>, or  just  >STUPID  COWS EATTHEIR OWN SHIT>...No no, ooouhh  no...But...??  YYYEEAAHH!!!   You  suddenlymention a bright  flash  of  spirituallight and:  THE  NAME  IS CHOSEN!  Youcall your  song >PUMP UP  THE JAM> andopen   up   a   crew   with  the  nameTECHNOTRONIC!!  This   is  innovative,isn>t it!! Yes, but  now  you>ve gottato be continued ......