Path: inforamp.net!news1.toronto.fonorola.net!news1.toronto.istar.net!news.toronto.istar.net!istar.net!news1.vancouver.istar.net!news.vancouver.istar.net!van-bc!news.rmii.com!newsjunkie.ans.net!newsfeeds.ans.net!prodigy.com!usenet From: FWYB33B@prodigy.com (Monica Patitucci) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: VOY: Letting Go 1/1 Date: 18 Mar 1996 23:14:13 GMT Organization: Prodigy Services Company 1-800-PRODIGY Lines: 163 Distribution: world Message-ID: <4ikqo5$ebs@useneta1.news.prodigy.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: innugap4-int.news.prodigy.com X-Newsreader: Version 1.2 Status: N This story doesn't really have a plot. It take place a couple of weeks after "Meld," and if you didn't see that episode you're probably not going to understand much of the story. It's Tuvok's reaction to the events of that episode. This is my first attempt at fanfic, so if you're going to throw things make sure they're soft. :) Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. If I did, I wouldn't have to worry about paying my college tuition bill. If anyone is going to sue me, all they'll get is said tuition bill, so feel free. :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------- Letting Go 1/1 by Monica Patitucci The mess hall was brimming with people, which was typical for the middle of the lunch hour. Despite Neelix's unusual culinary abilities, crewmembers still piled in for meals and conversation. They occupied nearly every table, discussing the day's events and exchanging ship gossip. No one noticed the solitary figure in Starfleet gold sitting at a corner table near the window. As the usual meal time chatter filled what was formerly the captain's private dining room, Voyager's chief of security maintained his usual distance from the socialization surrounding him. Most of the crew found Tuvok to be cold and unapproachable, and he didn't do much to belay their impressions. It was his job to defend the ship, not to make friends with the crew. After all, he was chief of security, not ship's counselor. As it was, he could never understand why the vast majority of humanoid species felt the need to talk so much. Most of their conversations were pointless exchanges of useless information, anyway. He was content to sit and work while he ate. At least he was doing something productive with his time. He was also using the work in an attempt block out the issue that his mind kept inevitably swinging back to. However, his marked determination to avoid the issue was only bringing it more sharply into focus. Meditation had proven futile and he was hoping work would be an antidote for the problem. Usually he had no trouble filtering out the mess hall noise, but today it seemed impossible. The voices of the crew, and especially the one voice of a certain small Talaxaian chef, were breaking through his already tenuous concentration. Tuvok quickly finished his lunch and headed for the bridge. Maybe something there would succeed in occupying his attention. The only senior officers on the bridge were Janeway and Chakotay. The next shift didn't officially start for fifteen minutes. Chakotay glanced up at him from his seat at Janeway's left. "You're early." "I am aware of that. Captain, may I assume my post?" He felt no need to explain himself to the first officer, who was looking at him with curiosity. He would have explained to the captain, but he knew that there was no need. The compassionate understanding in her eyes told him that she already knew. "Of course, Mr. Tuvok." She dismissed the ensign at the tactical station, who was only too happy to get off duty fifteen minutes early. Tuvok took his place and examined the panels for a status reading, studiously avoiding the captain's gaze. He still felt slightly unease around her after what had transpired between them during the incident with Suter. Losing all of his well crafted control was the most demoralizing experience he'd ever had. Even more so than being tortured by the Mokra and being forced to listen to his own voice screaming in agony. At least then he still had ultimate control of his mind. With Suter he had lost even that. He'd said and done things that previously he could never imagine himself even considering. The brief discussion in sickbay was the last the Captain had mentioned of the incident, but he still thought about it often. Janeway turned her gaze back to the viewscreen. Chakotay was alert to the exchange between the two officers but oblivious to the meaning behind it. His interest was further piqued when Janeway rose from her seat and requested that Tuvok join her in her ready room. The Vulcan stood stiffly with his hands behind his back. He knew all too well what she wanted to speak to him about and he knew that he didn't want to discuss it with her. He didn't want to discuss it with anybody, but Janeway was determined to get the situation settled. For practical reasons she knew she couldn't let it get to the point where it undermined her security officer's performance. On a more personal level, she didn't want to see her best friend berate himself for something that was out of his control. She sat on the couch and motioned for Tuvok to do the same. He sat down at the other end of the couch, looking at her passively. "Tuvok, I think you should take a couple of days off. Meditate, maybe relax on the holodeck." "I appreciate your consideration, Captain, but I assure you that additional rest is not necessary. I am capable of performing my duties." "I don't doubt that, but I noticed you've been working harder than usual lately and I don't want you to overwork yourself without reason." Tuvok tried to say something, but Janeway cut him off. The subtle route wasn't getting her anywhere, so she decided to take a more direct approach. "Tuvok, I know coming to terms with your experience with Suter hasn't been easy for you, and I just want you to know that I don't hold you responsible for what happened." "I did decide to mind meld with Suter before researching the possible effects a meld with a Betazoid could produce," he reminded her. "My actions nearly resulted in his death and my own. I was insubordinate, insulting, and violent. I was unquestionably out of line, especially to you. My actions were impulsive and I could have caused much more serious damage had I not been confined to sickbay." Janeway lifted herself off the couch with a sigh. "But you couldn't have foreseen the consequences! Nobody could. You were merely trying to conclude your investigation. And I thought I already made it clear that I forgave you for what happened." Tuvok responded, "That you did," then once again lapsed into silence. Janeway felt the anger catch in her throat. Tuvok could be impossibly stubborn and evasive when he wanted to be. She watched him as he stood up. He put nearly six feet of distance between them before he turned back to face her. Janeway's mind flashed back to the sight of Tuvok sitting on the floor of his darkened, demolished quarters, struggling to hold on to his sanity even as his own inner darkness threatened to overwhelm him. She then flashed to another memory of her friend, caged behind a forcefield in sickbay, railing at her while at the same time being stripped of his dignity piece by piece. She didn't know who to be angry with. Tuvok, Suter, or herself for not being able to stop it from happening. She gave herself a quick mental slap. Self blame was what she was trying to get Tuvok to stop doing. She couldn't afford to take part in it herself. When she asked her next question, her voice was low and soft. It was a risky question, and she hoped it wouldn't end the conversation prematurely. "Tuvok, when you were in sickbay, what were you feeling?" She was greeted with a long stretch of silence. Tuvok's passive expression never wavered, but somehow she could sense his uncertainty. Finally, he spoke. "I was...frightened." Janeway knew how unfathomably difficult it was for him to utter those three simple words. Another silence fell between them, and as she studied him she realized that it wasn't guilt that was riding the Vulcan as much as self doubt. "And you're afraid it might happen again." Tuvok merely nodded. No words were necessary. He experienced a sensation he didn't expect, like a sudden lifting of a heavy burden. She would never know how much he appreciated having someone who understood him, despite the methods he used to distance himself. The only other person who knew him so thoroughly was T'Pel, and she was so far away. Tuvok's control meant everything to him. If he could lose that control once, what was to stop it from happening again? Janeway wasn't even close to being a telepath, but Tuvok's thoughts seemed to jump out at her. She took a few steps toward him to close the distance between them. With any other crewmember she would have tried to comfort them by releasing her natural instinct to make physical contact, but with Tuvok she was very careful not to cross that line. "We all have our demons to slay, and I believe you've conquered yours. I'm impressed by the perseverance you've shown. When you sensed what was happening, you kept anyone from getting hurt by locking yourself in your quarters. You had the opportunity to kill Suter, but your own decency stopped you from doing it. It was your own strength that pulled you through and I would stake my life on that strength any day of the week. Understood?" Tuvok nodded. Perhaps his anxieties were unfounded. He had been able to stop himself in time, and in the past several weeks he'd shown no signs of reverting back to that insanity. Even so, he still couldn't forget the evil that had nearly consumed him. Briefly he remembered something he'd once told Kes. *Without the darkness, how could we recognize the light?* That was solid advice at the time, and he concluded that if he was going to impart words of wisdom to other people he should start following them himself. Janeway noticed a nearly imperceptible relaxation of his stance and knew that he understood and internalized what she'd said. There was nothing more to say, so she dismissed him. Tuvok walked to the door to leave, but before he reached it, he turned back around. "Captain...thank you." His tone was so monotone and at the same time so heartfelt that Janeway felt a rush of warmth. As Tuvok turned and walked onto the bridge, she knew she had her counsel back once again.