Path: inforamp.net!news.nstn.ca!news.dal.ca!torn!csn!news-1.csn.net!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!tank.news.pipex.net!pipex!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!news.ultranet.com!bigboote.WPI.EDU!transfer.stratus.com!news.bu.edu!acs.bu.edu!crime From: crime@bu.edu (mary self) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: VOY: Casualties 3/3 Date: 16 Mar 1996 18:39:18 GMT Organization: Boston University Lines: 396 Message-ID: <4if1sm$ggb@news.bu.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: acs.bu.edu X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] Status: N DISCLAIMERS: See part 1. THE PARIS JOURNALS, vol. V Casualties Part 3 By Carly Hunter copyright 1996 The hours dragged on. B'Elanna came by with some food, and she, Harry, and I ate a quiet dinner together. Afterwards, they chatted between themselves while I turned back to Cait. She was still sleeping. Her breathing remained even, so the shell was doing its job. I picked up one of Harry's PADDs and began reading some detective story. The victim's body had just been discover when Cait stirred. "Cait? I'm here." "Mm." Her head rolled in my direction, the eyes barely opening. I took a soft, damp cloth and wiped her face. Hearing a small grunt of appreciation, I sat back down on the stool I had borrowed. You could tell she was trying to fight her way to consciousness, but it was a losing battle. Whatever it was inside her had sapped all her strength. Twice, her lips parted as if she wanted to speak, but nothing came out. "It's okay, Cait." I soothed her as best I could. "You don't have to say anything. Whatever it is can wait until you're better." My voice waivered slightly. "Listen, I'll be right back." Tears had begun to fill my eyes, and I didn't want one of her last images to be me blubbering like an idiot. Stepping away, I cleared my throat and took a few cleansing breaths. B'Elanna came up beside me. "Tom, are you all right? If you want to take a break, I'll sit with her a while." "No." I whispered, rubbing my forehead. "I'll be okay. I can handle this." By the time I moved back to the bed, Cait had fallen back asleep. I picked up the PADD again and started to read. It was going to be a very long night. Around 2130, Torres tapped me on the shoulder. "Harry's asleep," she whispered. "And I'm going to turn in, too. Do you need anything before I do?" "Nah, I'm fine. Besides," I tapped the display in my hand. "This story's finally getting interesting." She squeezed my shoulder. "You should get some rest, as well. Running yourself into the ground won't help Cait." I raised an eyebrow. "And if Harry was in Cait's place, where would you be?" Her gaze shifted over to Kim and back again. "Right here where you are. You still love her, don't you?" "B'Elanna, I never stopped." I gave a little snort of frustration. "In spite of all that's happened, my feelings for her haven't changed." "I don't think that's what she believes." "What!" "Shh. You'll wake them." I nodded and repeated my ejaculation in a whisper. "What? Why do you say that?" "Because of what she said through the door last night. That's why I didn't think it wise of you to go visit her." "Why? What did she say?" "At the time, it didn't make sense, but after you explained that it was an anniversary for you two, the pieces fell into place." I grabbed B'Elanna's arm and led her away from the bed. "Now. Tell me precisely what she said." "Well, first, she refused to come to Sandrine's. When I asked why, she said it was because of you. That since you had chosen to bury things, she might as well, too. Then, she mumbled something about reminding you to delete a holodeck program, which I figured was absolutely none of my business. So, I left. She sounded like she had been drinking, and from experience, I know her temper can be worse than mine when she's plastered. That was why I didn't think you should see her; if she was already angry with you, I thought your presence would only make her angrier." "Damn." I raised my face to the ceiling and took a deep breath. Shutting my eyes, I tried to regroup my whirling thoughts. What should I do? At this point, what could I do? She was dying. I was going to lose her for good. "Tom?" B'Elanna put a concerned hand on my arm. "Huh? Oh, I'm okay. Listen, thanks for telling me this. It doesn't help now, but it might in the future." I cast a discouraged eye at Cait. "If she makes it through the night, that is." "Don't give up on her yet, Paris. She's a fighter." I let out a small chuckle. "Believe me, Torres. No one knows that better than I." She smiled encouragingly. "Just making sure you remember. See you in the morning." "Yeah. 'Night." As she left, I resumed my post by Cait's side, returning to the story I had been reading. I nodded off a couple of times and nearly fell off the stool. For my own safety, the Doc suggested I make temporary use of a vacant biobed, promising to call me if there was any change. I took his advice and after another screen or two of prose, I was out like a light. " . . . The first time I saw her she was unloading medical supplies for the informal clinic we had set up outside the Meridan settlement. She barked orders like a seasoned captain and rarely smiled." Chakotay stood at the front of the room, beside him was the Captain. Another memorial service. Wonderful. Harry sat on my right; B'Elanna sat next to him. For once, there were tears in her eyes. I looked to my left, expecting to see Cait, but Tuvok was seated there instead. Then it hit me; what Chakotay had been saying. He was talking about Cait. A lump rose in my throat. NO! I wasn't ready to say good- bye to her. I still needed her. "She was a fine soldier, and I am proud to have served with her both in the Maquis and here on Voyager. She would risk her life for you, whether she knew you or not, and she would not back down, no matter what the odds. I'll miss her. All of us will miss her, but we'll carry on because that is what she would've wanted." Grimacing, Chakotay bowed his head slightly before turning toward the Captain. "Ensign." She nodded to the young man on her right, who readied himself to sound the customary whistle of farewell. Slowly, I rose to my feet and stood at attention as the whistle was blown. Well, that was it. As far as the ship was concerned, she was gone. As far as I was concerned, a huge, gaping wound had just opened somewhere within me. A hand squeezed my right shoulder. "Hey, Tom. Will you be okay?" "Yeah, Harry. I will be. It's just going to take me a long time." "I know. Look, if you need to talk or something-" "Yeah, yeah. Right now, I only want to be alone for a little while, okay." "Sure, Tom. Whatever." Without another word, I exited the room. I had to get to my quarters before my resolve broke down into a flood of tears. As the doors to my room shut behind me, I threw myself across the bed and waited. But they wouldn't come. I wanted to cry. I wanted to purge myself of this awful emptiness, but I couldn't. "AUGH!" I threw a pillow across the room. "Why?" "Why what?" I sat up. She perched on the edge of the sofa, plain as the nose on my face. "Wha-? Cait? How did-? I mean, you're dead." "Am I?" She grinned mischievously. "Says who?" "But I just came from your memorial service." I stared at her, open-mouthed; she looked so real. "I must be dreaming." "Of course, you're dreaming, Paris. Could I do this if you weren't?" Cait crossed the room and took my face in her hands, her lips closing softly over mine. My arms wrapped around her waist. Pressing my cheek against her stomach, I felt the tears finally begin. "Oh gods." My eyes opened to the sickbay ceiling. Rising up on one elbow, I gazed over at Cait's bed. We had been through so much together, and for us to end like this, as barely friends, seemed so wrong. I lay there a few minutes more, watching her sleep. She meant so much to me. I didn't want to lose her, not now, not ever. Finally, I got up and crept to her bedside. Bending over, I kissed her tenderly on the lips before settling back onto the stool. "Cait, do you remember when we first started going out? A long time ago, huh? I was so nervous; you made me so nervous. You were unlike any of the other girls I had dated; tough, strong, a real rogue in your own way. I wasn't quite sure how to approach you, well, outside of bed and Sandrine's, that is. "I mean, you wouldn't believe the trouble I had coming up with a proper setting for our first real date. Candy and flowers didn't seem to fit you exactly, so I got Harry to start that conversation about dates over dinner that time. Remember? He didn't want to do it, but good ol' Harry, after I promised him a replicated dinner of his choice, he finally agreed. "And boy, was I glad I did. Considering how you ranted about unimaginative sentimentality, you probably would've laughed in my face if I had tried to park on Mars with you, especially once I brought out the flowers. Although, you didn't laugh when I bought you a rose from that Parisian street vendor, did you? "That was some night, wasn't it? A moonlit walk through Paris. I'll always remember your expression when you turned to me on the Petit-Pont, Notre Dame over your shoulder, the street lights reflecting in your beautiful eyes. You had never been to France, and you were so excited, just like a little kid. You wanted to see everything, and I wanted to show it all to you. "I've never forgotten that evening, Cait, or the subsequent ones, either. I love you, dammit," I whispered, gently stroking the auburn hair. "I've wanted to tell you that for so long, but I haven't been able to. I'm sorry. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I need you." Kissing her once more, I returned to my bed. Maybe she could hear me and maybe she couldn't. But the words came from the heart, and I thought I'd feel a little better for finally saying them. Hours later, Kes shook me awake, a huge grin on her face. "Someone wants to see you." Sluggishly, I rolled off the bed. Cait was awake and sitting up. The shell was gone; she was breathing on her own. My face lit up with a broad smile of disbelief. The tired green eyes twinkled pucklishly. "You look like hell, Paris." "So do you," I shot back. "Yeah, but I've got an excuse. What's yours?" "Late night at Sandrine's. B'Elanna and I decided to whoop it up since you and Harry were otherwise occupied." "Figures," she grinned. It was the most beautiful site I'd seen. I grasped her hand, giving it a firm squeeze. "I'm glad you're better, Cait. You know, my life would be pretty dull without you." "Well, we can't have that, can we?" She started to laugh and fell into a tiny paroxysm of coughing. "You all right?" "Yes, the Doctor says I should stop coughing over the next twenty-four hours. Just a little reminder of what I picked up." I turned on the hologram. "What happened?" "I discovered a small parasite in their lungs. It was so small that initially it didn't register on our scans. For some reason, it imbeded itself within the alveoli of the human lung, using the inhaled oxygen to feed and reproduce. However, as soon as their population reached a significant size, they registered on the scan I did of Lt. Matthews early this morning. Once I knew what I was dealing with, finding a suitable treatment was actually a very simple matter. Although, I do remain puzzled as to why the infection was so much worse in the Lieutenant than in Ensign Kim, but I theorize it may have had something to do with the quantity of alcohol she consumed the previous evening." The Doctor raised a smug eyebrow. Unphased, Cait snickered. "What so funny, Matthews. You heard the Doc." I glanced back at her trying my best to sound stern, for all the good it did me. A big smile broke across her face. "Are you reporting for duty like that, Paris?" *Duty!* I hadn't even given thought to it. "What time is it?" "It's 0750, Tom." Kes tried hard to suppress a grin as Harry began to chuckle. *Okay, Thomas. You have two choices. Tear out like a whirlwind or bring a little dignity to your exit.* I opted for a shot at dignity. "Well, since both of your conditions have improved so much, I see no need for my continued presence. I'll stop by later this afternoon to check on your progress." Watching Cait choke back laughter, I gave her leg a tiny pat before stolling casually out of sickbay. Once the doors closed behind me, I broke into a mad dash. By the time I reached my room, I had five minutes to shower, shave and change. Somehow, though, I made it to the bridge only three minutes late. No one said a word. At 1230 hours when my lunch break arrived, I followed Chakotay up the steps. "Hey, Commander, do you have any plans for lunch?" "Nothing special, Mr. Paris. Why?" "I need to talk." "Oh?" Concern immediately flickered across his face as we stepped into the lift. "Deck 2. About what, Tom?" "About Cait. I'm not sure what I should do. We had words a couple of nights ago, and I'm really worried that we're going to continue to drift apart. We may not be seeing one another anymore, but I don't want to lose her as a friend. And to be honest, I'm afraid I'm going to." The doors to the lift opened, and we exited, heading toward the mess. "Tom, I don't think that is a genuine risk. Caitlin cares for you too much." "I'm not doubting that she does, Chakotay, but you didn't hear what she told B'Elanna the other night." I gave him a quick synopsis of the events. "And to top it all off, she was drunk. She never handles her problems by getting drunk. That's my way, or at least, it was." I grinned slightly in partial jest. A frown creased his brow as we entered the mess. "I didn't realize that the level of tension between the two of you had risen to that degree, but I'm afraid what she's experiencing also goes beyond that. Trauma, such as what you have been through, is often a shared experience, affecting our loved ones sometimes as much as ourselves." We got our trays and sat down prior to his continuing. "Paris, when was the last time you two had an honest discussion about how you both felt?" "Not in quite a while. After our initial conflicts when I first left sickbay, we've pretty much tip-toed around the subject. Although, on the few occasions when she has tried to reach out to me, I've asked her not to." "In other words, you've rejected her attempts to offer support." I shook my head. "Not intentionally, no. I told her a couple of weeks ago I would only be her friend, nothing more, but she has had trouble accepting that. She wants us to be together again." A dark eyebrow raised knowingly. "Is that so bad? Isn't it what you want, too?" "Well, yeah," I stammered. "I'd like us back together, but I don't think I'm ready, yet. Who am I kidding? I know I'm not ready." "Then, tell her that. You have to look at this from her perspective, Tom. When she has tried to reach out, you've either rejected her outright or you two have wound up in a fight. As a result, she feels powerless to help the one person she cares for the most on this ship. This leads to frustration and anger and then guilt over feeling angry. And since your current relationship won't allow her relieve these feelings, evidently the only way she sees out of this dilemma is to sever emotional ties with you." He leaned forward in his seat. "You've got to talk to her, Lieutenant. Show her where you're coming from; find out where she's coming from; and maybe even encourage her to talk to someone else about her feelings. The picture I'm getting from you is of two people who care a lot about each other, but can't communicate those feelings to one another worth a damn. Why not set aside some time one evening this week and just talk to her, Paris? You might be surprised at the results." "Easier said than done, Commander," I snorted. "You know, just once, I'd like life to have a few simple solutions." A small smile of experience crossed his lips. "Life does, Lieutenant. We're the ones who make it complicated." The following evening, I stood outside Cait's quarters. She and Harry had been released from sickbay that morning with clean bills of health. Now came the hard part. Our little chat. My stomach gave its usual warning lurch, but I ignored it. This was something I had to do. Running away wasn't an option this time. Taking a deep breath, I pressed the chime. "Come in." Cait sat in the recliner, wearing a pair of multi-hued lounging pants and a cropped olive top, which revealed a portion of her toned, pale stomach. "Hey, Paris. What brings you here?" The smile that greeted me was warm and friendly, and out of reflex, my own mouth spread in a wide grin. "You do, actually." "Oh, really? I like the sound of that." "Tch-tch," I clicked my tongue in mock disgust. "Out of sickbay less than twenty-four hours and you're already flirting with a superior officer." "Superior? Since when were you ever my superior?" I flopped down on her couch. "Well, it stands to reason, doesn't it? I am one of the senior officers; I'm in charge of conn; you're only Tuvok's second." "That only means you outrank me," she countered, moving onto the sofa beside me. "It doesn't mean you're my superior." Her eyes twinkled for a moment before an uncomfortable silence gradually descended. My gaze shifted nervously away. Going in, I knew this would be tough, but somehow I had hoped it would be easier than this. I swallowed hard, choking back the rising tide of nausea. "So, um, how are you feeling? The coughing stopped yet?" "Oh, just about," Cait replied lightly, adjusting her position to allow a greater distance between us. "Kes told me you spent night before last in sickbay in case I didn't pull through. I want you to know that means a lot to me. Considering how distant we've been lately, I wasn't sure-" She broke off and stared at the floor. "Yeah, I know. B'Elanna told me what you said to her, and I want to apologize. I honestly didn't think-" I paused and took a deep breath, screwing up my courage. "Look, Cait, we need to talk. According to Chakotay, the family and friends of the trauma victim suffer right along with the victim, and if you take into account the depth of our past, it's only natural for you to-" The hardened expression on her face caused me to hesitate. "To what, Counselor Paris?" She flipped back defensively. "A word of advice, don't psychoanalyze me. People have tried in the past, and I didn't take kindly to it." Stung by this response, I bit my tongue, waiting for my own anger to pass. I hadn't come there to argue with her, and I certainly didn't want a repeat of the other night. "All right, Matthews, then just how do you propose I figure what is going on inside you? You aren't exactly the most forthcoming individual when you're upset, you know." "Sorry," she shot back sarcastically. "I didn't realize I had to wear my heart on my sleeve for you. Perhaps I should also carry a hankerchief to dab my moist eyes." "Oh, for pete's sake, Cait, I'm trying to talk to you. Can't you see that?" Then, it struck me. She had put up a wall now, too. Grimacing, I summoned all my strength. I wasn't ready to throw our friendship away; maybe she was, but I wasn't. And if that was true, it was up to me to knock this new wall down. "Okay, fine. You don't want to be analyzed? Fine. I'll skip the softer explanation and go right for the jugular. Here's the way it appears to me. You resent the emotional barrier that I've erected around myself, don't you? It frustrates you and it makes you angry. You've tried to reach out to me, only to have your hand slapped away, and you've tried to be patient, only now your patience is wearing thin. So thin, you're ready to turn your back on our friendship and let it die. Right?" The green eyes opened wide, and for a while, she just stared at me unsure of how to respond. Eventually, her gaze dropped to her lap. "I don't think you needed to be quite that blunt," she whispered. "I feel rotten enough as it is. You're the one who's suffered; I should be here to support you, not increase you troubles like I did the other night." "Cait," I took her face in my hands, tilting it up toward me. "I don't blame you for your outburst. If I was in your place, I might not have lasted this long. But I also know that if you don't deal with these feelings, we will lose what friendship we now share, and I don't want that. We've been through too much to let that happen. Agreed?" The head between my hands nodded, her eyes slowly filling with tears. Encouraged, I continued. "Then, do me a favor. Talk to someone, Chakotay, B'Elanna, anyone. Explore the causes of these feelings; in doing so, you may learn how to handle them better. Please? For us." With some reluctance, she nodded again. "Tom, I care about you so much, and to sit by watching you go through all this and not being able to do anything has been agonizing." She pulled away and sat back. "You didn't turn to me; you turned to Chakotay, which was probably for the best, but I felt rejected. Like I had failed you somehow as a friend; that you couldn't confide in or trust me when you found yourself in need." Her voice waivered as she angrily brushed away a tear. "Silly, isn't it?" "Shh." I slipped my arm around her and pulled her head into the crook of my shoulder. "It's not silly. The first time you drifted into one of your silent moods, I felt the same way and still do at times, but I learned to give you some space before trying to draw you out." Gently grasping her chin, I raised her gaze to mine. "Cait, you're one of the best friends I have. You're not a failure; you just feel a little helpless, which none of us likes." As I looked into the glistening emerald eyes, it suddenly dawned on me. I was holding her; I was talking to her; and I wasn't going to throw up. The butterflies were still there, sure, but they were nothing compared to what they had been. Perhaps this little chat had been more necessary than either of us had realized. Maybe there was hope for us after all. Emboldened by my discovery, I pressed on. "Now, as far as you and I go, that's another story entirely. You've got to believe me when I say that nothing would make me happier than for us to be together again. My feelings for you haven't changed, but the way I can express them has. If I thought I would wake up tomorrow ready to start a relationship with you, you couldn't budge me from these quarters tonight. But I don't know when I'll be ready." My finger tapped the side of my head. "There's still a lot of stuff up here I've got to sort out first, and I don't want life to pass you by while I'm sifting through my problems. Understand?" A tiny smile crossed her lips. "Yes, I'm afraid I do. I'm so sorry, Tom." "Matthews," I replied softly. "You've done nothing to be sorry for. What you're experiencing is a perfectly normal human reaction. Which follows, since you are human, aren't you?" I teased. "Ask the Doc. He's certainly scanned me enough lately." She smirked, but the green eyes were still sad. "I may just do that. For all I know, you could be some Cardassian infiltrator." "That's not funny, Paris," she snickered. "Then, why are you laughing?" Her arms flew around my neck, hugging me close. "Because you're my friend, and it's my duty to be supportive, even when you make a lousy joke." I chuckled and hugged her back. "It goes both ways, Matthews. It goes both ways."