Path: inforamp.net!news.nstn.ca!news.dal.ca!torn!howland.reston.ans.net!news-e2a.gnn.com!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: lrbowen@aol.com (Lrbowen) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: ASC awards, Parody: Who Is The Father? 2/2 Date: 27 Mar 1996 14:11:07 -0500 Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364) Lines: 259 Sender: root@newsbf02.news.aol.com Message-ID: <4jc3sb$e3n@newsbf02.news.aol.com> Reply-To: lrbowen@aol.com (Lrbowen) NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com Status: N [Part 2] Disclaimers apply. Scene Twelve: Interior, corridor. Chakotay is wandering around looking for Paris and Kim. Chakotay (singing): Oh where, oh where, has my little dog gone... Kes appears around the corner. Kes: Hello, Commander. Have you been eating your vegetables lately? Chakotay: I'm a vegetarian. Kes: Oh, yummy. Chakotay: Excuse me? Oh, have you seen Lieutenant Paris and Ensign Kim? Kes: (seductively) Forget about them. They didn't last fifteen minutes. Combined. Chakotay: What have you done with them? Kes: Come with me, and I'll show you. Chakotay: Woof, woof. Scene Thirteen: Bridge. Janeway: Where the hell is Chakotay? I'm finally off duty, and the big lug is nowhere to be seen. Tuvok: My security console shows the commander's location in Kes' quarters. Life signs are failing. Janeway: Good heavens. Transport him to Sickbay immediately. Tuvok: Aye, Captain. Act Four Scene Fourteen: Sickbay. The place is crammed to the rafters with groaning crewmen, some doubled over in pitiful agony. Chakotay is lying on a bed while the doctor treats him. Janeway enters. Janeway: What's going on here, Doctor? Doctor: It looks like a horrendous epidemic of some kind. Every man on the ship has been stricken, and I've got reports of unconscious bodies littering the corridors. Janeway: What could have done this? Doctor: I'd say it was Neelix's lunch special, but everyone ate that, not just the men. Kes enters, enormously pregnant. Kes: Doctor, do you have anything for morning sickness? Doctor: Sure, it's right over there in the--what the HELL?! Janeway: Oh, Kes, congratulations! Though I wish you'd told me about wanting to have a child. We're not really equipped for it on board-- Kes: Sorry. Remind me to fill you in on my implausible biology. The crewmen see Kes and begin to cry and scream for mercy. Chakotay is just sitting up, but collapses again with a whimper. Janeway: Kes, they seem to be afraid of you. Kes: The elogium is over now, so they can stop worrying. I suppose I was a teensy bit rough on them, but hey, you try cramming all your lifetime reproductive activity into two days. Doctor: YOU'RE responsible for this? Kes: Well, they're responsible for this (points to stomach). Janeway: Who's responsible? They can't all-- Kes: I told you I had an implausible biology. Janeway and Doctor in unison: WHO..IS...THE...FATHER?! Kes: Seventy-five humans, Bajorans, Bolians, Vulcans, and so forth. Oh, and one Talaxian. Almost forgot. Doctor: All for one baby? Kes: Who said anything about one baby? Janeway: You mean-- Kes: Yep. Ocampa have litters, so to speak. Seventy-five dads, seventy-five-- Chakotay (weakly): Woof, woof. He faints again. Janeway claps her hands in glee. Janeway: Puppies! Act Five Scene Fifteen: Interior, ready room. Janeway takes a steaming bowl out of the replicator. Janeway: Here you go, Chakotay. Have some nice vegetable soup to build your strength up. Chakotay: Thanks, Captain. You really know how to make a guy feel at home. I'm sorry I stood you up-- Janeway: Think nothing of it. That strange blob affected everyone very oddly, and I'm relieved to see the last of it. Chakotay: Oh. He seems downcast, and blows on his soup to cool it off. Chakotay: Aw, heck, that little fuzzball has been combing out in the kitchen again--wait a minute. This came from the replicator. Janeway (seductively): Something in the soup? Chakotay: I--I think it's dog hair. Um... Janeway: Chakotay... Chakotay: Captain? Janeway: Fetch. Cut to bridge. Tuvok cocks his head in the direction of the ready room. Paris: Hear something? Tuvok: (evasively) The sound is probably too high-pitched for human ears. Tag: Scene Sixteen: Exterior, Voyager traveling at warp. Voiceover. Janeway: Captain's log, stardate [about nine months later.] Well, we're tooling along as usual, looking for anomalies and aliens and trouble--hey, let go of Aunt Kathy's hair. Now. Thank you. Hand me that burp cloth, Commander. Where was I? Trouble--OK, so we don't really have to look for it now--Chakotay Jr., stop giving Tom Jr. wedgies. Starfleet officers don't give each other wedgies. Even when one of them steals the other one's pacifier. Tuvok, watch out for Tuvok Jr. He just reinitialized the warp drive. I said, let go of Aunt Kathy's hair. What was the damn stardate again? Stop crying, all of you, or you get Uncle Neelix's special for lunch. That's better. Cut to bridge. Toddlers with Ocampa ears scamper all over the place. Chakotay is feeding a bottle to a blue infant. Tuvok has pureed carrots in his hair, and a large wet spot on the front of his uniform. Tuvok: Captain, we appear to have lost our sex appeal. Janeway: Oh, good heavens. (She giggles.) Chakotay: Something the matter? (He wipes spit-up off his chest.) Janeway: I think Mark's having the last laugh after all. Chakotay: Yeah, golden retrievers only have five or six at a time. Imagine if this had happened on the Enterprise--six hundred howling brats. Janeway: Don't you dare call all my little nieces and nephews howling brats. They're growing up so fast that they're going to be teenagers in a few weeks. Harry Jr., Neelix Jr., I'm going to smack your little butts if you don't quit opening and closing those turbolift doors. All right, that's it--I'm off duty. Chakotay: So am I. Tuvok, take over. (He hands him the infant and the bottle.) Janeway and Chakotay stand up, children clinging to their legs. Chakotay: Um--are you going to consult me in your ready room any time soon? Janeway: What about? Chakotay (hopefully): Mating practices? Janeway: You ol' hound dog, you. (She smiles.) Chakotay: Woof, woof. END