STAR TREK: THE LOUSY GENERATION by Chris Hoyt (Internet: HOYT@stu.ci.lexington.ma.us) Just to let you all know - I just found out about alt.startrek.creative a few days ago, and I wrote this BEFORE I read anything on it or before I read the book 'Star Wreck' (it's a good book... get it!!) Before, only my family had read it. Then I sent it around our schoool VAX, and most of the people there liked it too. Then I was so schyed to find out about a place on internet where there were there were Star Trek parodies!!! So here is one of the first episodes I ever wrote (I wrote about 30 total episodes, most of which stink). I hope you like it!! Season Premier: "The Blorg" Space. . . The really big parking lot. These are the non adventurous, boring and lousy escapades of the spaceship Exitprise. Our boring mission: To fly around in our ship and hope that something happens. To seek out new forms of life, someday hoping that one day we will find someone to watch this show. To boldly go where no idiot would ever think about going. . . Everything was quiet on the bridge. Captain Pick-a-Card was sitting in the command chair with his legs crossed like a girl. Counselor Doi was sitting to his left. To his right was Commander Ricker. Suddenly the phone rang. Lt. Woof (son of Hog) picked it up. "Hello?" he said in his deep, Flingon voice. "Captain, it's for you." Captain Pick-a-Card took the receiver from Woof. "Yes? Oh, hello Admiral Lazy. WHAT?! The blorg have attacked section 12345?! We'll be right there!" "Info, set a course for section 12345!" he said to the ugly metal robot. "Yes, sir," said Info. "Go!!" A few minutes later: "Are we there yet?" Captain Pick-a-Card asked Info. "No." The captain waited for a few minutes. . . "Are we there yet?!" "NO!" "Fine. Tell me when we're there." Captain Pick-a-Card stepped into his unready room. "Doctor! Come to my unready room," said the captain. "Aye sir." "Doctor, my sewing machine is broken, do you think you can fix it?" "Well I can try replacing the article-incimulator with a new one." "Make it sew." "Captain, I just forgot. I have some work to do first." "Okay. Delay that order." "Captain, what's that thing in your fish tank?" A pink bunny with the word Energizer on it was going around in circles in The Captain's fish tank. "I don't know. I don't care, either." Captain Pick-a-Card stepped onto the bridge. "Sir! We're heading for a meteor! What should we do?" "Quick! Hit the brakes!!" "Too late!" CRASH!! Info's head slammed against the console. "Hey, what happened to the air bags?" he asked. "Info, have you forgotten everything you learned in the Academy? You know air bags are a feature Starfeet can't afford! Wait a minute, what's that on the view screen?!" A pink bunny with the word Energizer on it flew past the ship, tapping his drum. "I think. . ." started Doctor Husher. "Shut up, Schmeverly, no one cares what you think," said said the captain. "Now Info, resume course." "Aye, sir." CRASH!! "What happened that time?" "We went over a speed bump." "Captain, may I go to the bathroom?" asked Woof. "Go ahead. Info, resume course." About an hour later they herd what sounded like the siren on a police car. "What's that sound?" asked the captain. "It's a police ship! They want us to pull over," said Woof. "Pull over where!? We're in space!" "Captain, the phone is ringing." "Open a channel." "This is officer Gets Paid Shit. This area has a speed limit of warp 55. I will have to give you a ticket for going too slow." "But warp ten is the physical limit of the universe!" "I still have to give you a ticket. I'll transmit it on subspace." "But this ship is cheap! We can't receive subspace signals. All we can do is call people up on the phone!" "Fine. I'll let it go this time, but don't let me catch you here again." "Okay. We'll reverse course." "You can't do that," said The Officer. "Why not?" "Because this is a one-way street. Now leave and don't come back." "Okay. Info, beam the Exitprise to a different sector of the galaxy." "Aye, sir." Then Woof came in. "Back so soon, Woof? You usually take longer than that in the bathroom!" "I can't go the bathroom." "Why not?" "There's a pink bunny spinning around in the toilet." Suddenly the ship stopped. "Info, what happened NOW??" "The Exitprise conked out." "It conked out?!" "Yes, sir." "Captain to the engine room, Ordie, this cheap piece of shit has conked out again. Hurry up and fix it, the Blorg are probably there by now." "I have an idea. But I'll need Info down here to help." "On my way," said Info, and he stepped into the elevator and went to the engine room. "Oh, hello Info. I was thinking about enhancing the molecular structure of the anti-converters so that the rate of particle emissions increases by two hundred percent. What do you think?" "Well, I don't think that it's physically possible since the particle transmitters have a limited range of output," said Info. "But what if we increased the output of the transmitters by inserting inter-molecular particle output strands?" "Oh, sure! Like that's really going to increase the radion emissions in the central interface in the main converter, right?!" "No, but it might decrease it enough for us to get a stable lock on the chloric emissions witch would help stabilize the interface!" "You know, that just might work. But how are we going to account for the hyper-sonic radiation emitted that builds up when such an output is in effect?" "How about if we enter a class one statanizer that will stagger the rate of output, therefore keeping the hyper-sonic radiation under normal perimeters?" "You know, that would also eliminate certain outbursts of field radiation in the standard particle flow as well. . ." "Which would help keep the central mechanism of the whole anti-converter under working control!" "Ordie to Captain, we have an idea. We are going to try to enhance the anti-converters by inserting inter-molecular output strands, and putting in a class one statanizer." "Good idea. How long will it take you? "About thirty million years." "You have fifteen minutes. Pick-a-Card out." The captain looked to his left at Banana. Do you have any idea what they just said??" "No," she replied. Fifteen minutes later - "Okay, Captain, engines are back on line." "Woof, resume course! We have to stop those Blorg!!" A few minutes later - "Captain, we've stopped again." "What the hell is it this time?!?!" "We ran out of gas." "This is awful!" said Doi. "What the fuck are we going to do? We're stranded!" "HELP! HELP!" yelled Woof. "No, that won't do any good! There's no one around to hear us! HELP! HELP!" said the captain. "Look! It's snowing! Maybe that will help!" said Doi. "But no, it couldn't help, could it?" "Yes! It is! They're waking up!" said Woof. "Oh no! The tin man has rusted again. Quick, get the oil can," said Dorothy. "Wait a minute!" said the producer. "Someone mixed up the cue cards! We just did a scene from The Wizard of Oz! Take two!" "This is awful! What are we going to do?!" asked Doi. "I guess we're stuck here," said Number Two. "No," said Woof, "there are always options. There just might not be any for this particular situation." "Oh, peu!!! Who farted?" said Captain Pick-a-Card. Everyone looked at Woof. "I didn't do it!" he said. Everyone was trying to figure out who farted, when Peu, the magical being that had the power of the Peu, appeared on the bridge. "Who are you?!" said Captain Pick-a-Card. "I'm Peu! I'm from the Peu continuum." "No wonder it smelt so bad!!" "Yes, that was me," said Peu. "Why have you come here?" asked captain Pick-a-Card. "I think you humans are cruel. You fight and kill, you're very uncivilized." "How can you call us cruel?? You're the one that is stinking the entire universe up!" "Well, I guess that's true." "Besides, we aren't mean. We are a peaceful race now. We go around the universe hoping to encounter new forms of life that we can be friends with!" "Captain, ship approaching. It could be a new form of life!!" "Blow it up." "Aye, sir." "What are we going to do about the Blorg?" asked Doi. "We're still out of gas!" "No one has more gas than me!" said Peu. "I can give you some gas!" Then Peu snapped his fingers and the gas tank of the Exitprise was full of gas. "Thanks, Peu!" said the captain. "Woof, resume course, warp 9.99999999999" "Aye, sir." A little later - "Captain, we're within phone range. Should we call them up?" "Yes, Woof." Briiiingggg. . . Briiiigggg. . . "Hello. This is the Blorg. We are busy making plans for world domination right now, but if you leave a brief message after the beep we'll get back to you as soon as we can. Thanks for calling!" "Hang up the phone, Woof." "Aye, sir." "Fire lasers!" The Blorg were blown to bits. "Good job! How did you do it so fast?" "I just pressed a button! That's all you have to do here in the future. Whichever ship presses their button first wins." "Oh." "Captain! Look!" Everyone looked as a pink bunny tapped it's drum while walking along the bridge floor. "Woof, let me see your gun." "Here, sir." ZAP!!! The bunny exploded into little pink globs that spread out all over the bridge. "Good ridence!" said Doi. Now that their mission was over, captain Pick-A-Card sat back and relaxed. "Info, set a course for the Putrid system. 5 miles per hour." "Course set, sir." "GO!!" Executive Producer: Yayits Over So tune into the next exiting episode. . . Ah, hell! Do whatever you want. YOU MUST BE CRAZY!!! YOU READ THIS WHOLE THING??? That's it... I have many more... if you liked it (or didn't like it) please send internet mail to HOYT@stu.ci.lexington.ma.us. I'd appreciate ANY comments you have. Thanks!