As you know, all the Trek characters were created by those clever folks at Paramount. The Python bits were created by Monty Python. The juxtaposition is mine and I welcome any comments you chose to throw my way. Enjoy! PythonTrek by Ruth Gifford ******WARNING******************************************** What follows is extremely silly. Read it at your own peril! Feel free to share it with anyone who would appreciate it. *********************************************************** Python Trek: Intro includes Data as the naked organist and the de-evolved Riker as the "It's" man. The giant foot squashes the Enterprise. The theme music is a combination of the TNG theme and The Liberty Bell March. Scene: The Bridge of the USS Enterprise NCC 1701D. Riker (in bad drag) is sitting in the command chair; enter Data (also in bad drag). They do the scene in terrible cockney accents. R: Ooo Where 'ave you been? D: Been shopping. R: Been shopping? D: Bought a warp core. R: Oooo a warp core? D: It was a bargain. R: 'Ow are you going to cook it? D: Cook it? R: Well of course, you can't eat it raw. D: Oh well...I 'adn't thought of that. R: "There are more things on 'eaven and earth then are dreamed of in your philosophies, 'oratio." Enter Picard dressed as a British army colonel. P: Now stop this, it's too silly. You're not even proper women. R & D: That's a fair cop. Cut to Sickbay; Dr. Crusher is at her desk. She looks up at camera in confusion. C: Lemon Curry? Cut to Ten-Forward where the All StarFleet Summarize Proust Contest is in the final stages. LaForge is judging. L: As all of you were uniformly awful, I'm giving the prize to the girl with the biggest tits. Ens. Gates: Thank you, sir. Troi, angry at losing, drops a sixteen ton weight on LaForge. He struggles out from underneath. L: What about pointed sticks? Cut to Ready Room; Picard is at his desk. P: And now for something completely different... Cut to Engineering. Staff is hitting one another with tricorders. A BBC accented voice-over says: The Engineering Department's reenactment of the Battle of Wolf 359. Tune in next week for the Medical Staff's reenactment of the Battle of Cheron. Cut to a canned shot of a bunch of little old Klingon ladies with hats, purses and big knives applauding politely. Cut to Ten-Forward. Guinan is arguing with a bunch of hairy Vikings dressed in TOS uniforms and horned helmets who begin to sing the spam song. Cut to Troi's office. She looks at camera in confusion. T: Lemon Curry? Cut to Ready Room. Picard and Riker are taking off their dress uniforms to reveal ladies underwear (Riker in a pink bustier with garters and white lace stockings; Picard in basic black and fishnets). Their voices are arch and extremely camp. P: Oh I had a bitch of a time at that reception. R: My dear, yes. Did you see that Romulan ambassador eyeing me? P: Cheeky bitch. And that Klingon First Officer...oooo if looks could kill he'd be up for execution. R: I got so bored that all I could do was rub my beard. P: You what, luv? R: I rubbed my beard. P: Oooo you devil. I got stuck talking to Admiral Nycheyev. I used my butch voice 'What you must understand Admiral, is that the Maquis have a legitimate concern for their rights as Federation citizens.' And she loved it. R: You go, girlfriend. **OK so this isn't Python but I couldn't resist** During this time they have been changing into really tacky 24th century evening wear (think of Quark's Dabo girls). Now they link arms and leave the room. Cut to Sickbay. LaForge and Crusher are working frantically over Data, whose head is opened up. They are obviously worried. C: I'm afraid there's only one option. L: You can't mean...? C: Yes... the machine that goes *ping*." Martinez (the med tech who's been around since the early days of the third season) wheels over a huge terribly complicated machine that Mike Okuda made out of old slide projectors and calculators. It emits a steady *ping*. Cut to Worf's quarters. Worf and Troi are sitting watching holo-TV, there is a penguin on top of the projector. The remains of dinner are on the table (that Klingon stuff that looks as if the props staff has been shopping at an oriental market). **At first I thought they should be using Cockney accents, but it's funnier if you imagine their Trek voices.** T: That was dreadful. What's for afters? W: I've got gagh pudding, gagh tart and chocolate cake. T: Chocolate cake? W: Yes. T: Has it got any gagh in it? W: No. (she looks at him) Well a few. T: How many. W: 23. Rather a lot really. T: I'll have a piece without so much gagh in it. One piece of chocolate cake without so much gagh in it later. T: Disgusting! W: Oh, you're always complaining. Barcley (dressed in 20th cent suit and tie) appears in the holo-beam. B: And now the penguin on top of your projector will explode. Stuffed penguin explodes. T & W (together): Liberal rubbish! Enter Alexander dressed as a prep school twit. A: Hello Counselor, Hello Dad. There's a dead terrorist out in the corridor. T: Oh damn, that's the third one this week. I don't know who keeps leaving them there. W: What kind of terrorist? Where's he from? A: It's a she and I don't know where she's from. She looked a bit Maquisish to me. Worf, Troi and Alexander go out to corridor and look at the dead terrorist. She is a actually a Cardassian in a bad Bajoran disguise. Worf rolls her over. W: Obsidian Order. T: How can you tell? W: It's tattooed on the back of her neck. Cut to Data's quarters. Data looks at camera, attempts a puzzled look. D: Lemon Curry? Cut to Picard's quarters. Picard is sitting in bed (in those silk jammies of his) reading an old book. There is a sudden flash of white light. Q appears in his usual 'Fleet uniform. P: Q! What the hell do you want? Are you here to make fun of the mere human? Or did the Continuum kick you out again? Q (somewhat embarrassed): I want you...to go on camping holiday with me. P: He asked me! He asked me! Cut to shot of Q and Picard running through the forest holding hands while some really sappy music plays in the background. Cut to matte shot of Romulus. We see Spock sitting at the soup cafe, staring at a plate in front of him. Looking at the camera, he raises an eyebrow. S: Lemon Curry? In the background, we see the hairy Vikings in TOS uniforms singing the spam song. The screen goes black and plain white letters appear. They say: THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS WEEKS EPISODE OF STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION HAVE BEEN SACKED. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE THIS MAY HAVE CAUSED YOU. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE. RICK BERMAN AND MICHAEL PILLER. Cut to scene of Picard looking soulfully into the camera as the lights go dim. Cut to commercial and then credits. Music is still the TNG theme/Liberty Bell March combo. THE END