Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!wupost!decwrl!nntp.crl.com!ehbbs!doug.payton From: doug.payton@ehbbs.com (Doug Payton) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: A Parody - My 1st attempt Message-ID: <5593.596.uupcb@ehbbs.com> Date: 23 May 94 00:10:00 GMT Distribution: world Organization: Ed Hopper's BBS - Berkeley Lake (Atlanta), GA - 404-446-9462 Reply-To: doug.payton@ehbbs.com (Doug Payton) X-Mailer: UUPCBOUT Version 1.28G Lines: 108 Prolog: Just after finishing the first draft of this Star Trek parody, a new study was released showing that anti-oxidants did not have the all the cancer-preventing effect that they once were thought to possess. One anti-oxidant is Beta Keratin. Given the plot of this parody, that's pretty coincidental. Or not. Let me know how you like this. Ignore any addresses in the article header, use my address below. On with the show! STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION "To Pump, or not to Pump" A Parody by Doug Payton doug@payton.atl.ga.us [External shot of the U.S.S. Enterprise orbiting a planet. Theme music begins.] PICARD: [voice over] Captain's log, Stardate 32767.95. We're in orbit around the planet Beta Keratin. Our mission will be to escort 2 Keratins...hmm, Kerotians...Keratinian....Computer! Stop recording. [Theme music grinds to a halt.] What is the word for someone from Beta Keratin? COMPUTER: The proper term is "Kerotian". [note to Majel: pronounced Kar-OH-shun.] PICARD: Thank you. Computer, erase current log entry and start over. [Theme music begins.] Captain's log, Stardate 32767.951. We are in orbit around the planet Beta Keratin. Our mission will be to escort 2 Kerotian ambassadors to Earth for talks with Federation trade negotiators. Beta Keratin possesses a rich source of a vitamin found only in it's green, leafy vegetation. The Federation hopes to negotiate a fair contract price. [Interior shot, Transporter Room 3. Picard, Riker and Troi walk in.] ENSIGN: [to Picard] The Keratinians are ready to transport, sir. PICARD: That's Kerotians, Ensign. I'm surprised you can't manage to get a simple thing like the name of a species right. [Troi appears to sense something from Picard, but it passes.] PICARD: Energize. [The transports energizes. When the shimmering stops, there are 2 muscle-bound men on the pads wearing sweatsuits.] PICARD: Welcome! I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship Enterprise. This is my first officer, Commander Riker, and ship's counselor Deanna Troi. TROI: That's *Commander* Troi. PICARD: [to Troi, in a subdued voice] Yes, well, sending a hologram to it's death must have been heart-wrenching. AMBASSADOR 1: [in a thick pseudo-Swedish accent] Thank you Captain. Allow us to introduce ourselves to you. AMBASSADOR 2: [in the same accent] Ya, introduce ourselves. AMBASSADOR 1: I am Hans! AMBASSADOR 2: Und I am Franz! And we're here to... HANS UND FRANZ: Pump [they both clap and point to the officers] the Federation up! [Picard looks at both Riker and Troi as if to say "This *must* be another parody".] HANS UND FRANZ: [looking straight into the camera] LIVE! FROM SPACE! IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! [Begin Main Title theme] PICARD: [voice over] Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. It's continuing mission: To explore strange new life and civilizations. To seek out new worlds.....er.... RICK BERMAN: [voice over from control booth] Just keep going, Pat. We'll edit it out later. (Continued next message...) Doug Payton | doug@payton.atl.ga.us | dpayton@qcinet.gwinnett.com --- . CMPQwk #1.4. UNREGISTERED EVALUATION COPY ---- +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Ed Hopper's BBS - Home of uuPCB - Usenet for PC Board - Atlanta, GA | | Node 1 - USR HST - 404-446-9462 Node 2 - V.32bis - 404-446-9465 | +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!wupost!decwrl!nntp.crl.com!ehbbs!doug.payton From: doug.payton@ehbbs.com (Doug Payton) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: A Parody - My 1st attempt Message-ID: <5594.596.uupcb@ehbbs.com> Date: 23 May 94 00:10:00 GMT Distribution: world Organization: Ed Hopper's BBS - Berkeley Lake (Atlanta), GA - 404-446-9462 Reply-To: doug.payton@ehbbs.com (Doug Payton) X-Mailer: UUPCBOUT Version 1.28G Lines: 109 (Continued from previous message...) PICARD: [voice over] OK. Heh, heh, don't forget! Where was I.....To go boldly where... BERMAN: [voice over from control booth] No, it's "to boldly go". PICARD: [voice over] You know, I've been meaning to talk to the person who wrote this. Certainly a quick editing by a high school English teacher would have caught the split infinitive. I'm just... BERMAN: [voice over from control booth] Just say the lines! PICARD: [fuming] To BOLDLY GO where no one has gone before! [Opening credits] [External shot: Enterprise in warp.] PICARD: [voice over] Captain's log, Stardate 00000.12. [pause] Blasted 16-bit Stardate calendar! Let's see....Captain's log, Stardate 32768.12. We are en route to Earth. I'll be convening a meeting with our senior staff and the Kerotian ambassadors to see if we can learn more about the Kerotian culture that may help our negotiators. [Interior shot: Observation lounge. Senior Staff is present.] SE.IOR STAFF: [with a thick Latino accent] I am so happy to meet you gentlemen. My name is Se.ior Manuel Staff. I come from Ceti Venezuela 2. PICARD: OK, you've had your little joke, Mr. Staff. We have a meeting here now. [Se.ior Staff exits. Senior Staff enter; Riker, Date, Worf, Troi, Geordi and Crusher.] PICARD: Well, ambassadors, we pride ourselves in our accoutrements. HANS: Yes, they tasted marvelous. PICARD: I hope you found your quarters to your liking. FRANZ: We found our quarters by following Lt. Pony Tail. [Hans und Franz snicker and point at Worf.] PICARD: No, I was wondering how they suited you. HANS: They didn't. We dressed ourselves. Though it looks like some girly-girly dressed Lt. Pony Tail. FRANZ: Ya, a pony tail in back, and a D.A. in front. [Franz rubs his hand on Worf's forehead ridge.] Ooooo, Hans, he uses too much hair spray! [They continue to chuckle.] [Worf gives a good Klingon sneer, and looks to Picard to get the meeting going.] PICARD: [noticing glance] Yes, well, we were wanting to know more about your culture. For instance, your accents...er...resemble...a manner of speech Earth used to have. FRANZ: Well everyone on our island talks like us. HANS: Ya, and looks like us. Ya! [Hans und Franz begin to flex.] PICARD: And what island is that? HANS: The island of P.mpe in the Care Ocean. RIKER: Care Ocean? That sounds quite like Kerotian. FRANZ: "Care Ocean sounds quite like Care Ocean"? Say, Hans, isn't that a startling revelation?! RIKER: No, I mean like what your species are called: Kerotians from Beta Keratin. FRANZ: Where did you hear that? RIKER: From our computer. HANS: Well your girly computer is wrong, Commander Flabby Abs. We are from Beta Keratin so we are called BKs. FRANZ: Ya, and our motto is, "BK - Home of the Whoppers!" [Hans und Franz again begin to flex wildly. GEORDI: Ah, if I may, Captain. [Picard nods] Ambassador...uh... HANS: Hekuva. (Continued next message...) Doug Payton | doug@payton.atl.ga.us | dpayton@qcinet.gwinnett.com --- . CMPQwk #1.4. UNREGISTERED EVALUATION COPY ---- +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Ed Hopper's BBS - Home of uuPCB - Usenet for PC Board - Atlanta, GA | | Node 1 - USR HST - 404-446-9462 Node 2 - V.32bis - 404-446-9465 | +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!spool.mu.edu!sgiblab!gatekeeper.us.oracle.com!decwrl!nntp.crl.com!ehbbs!doug.payton From: doug.payton@ehbbs.com (Doug Payton) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: A Parody - My 1st attempt Message-ID: <5595.596.uupcb@ehbbs.com> Date: 23 May 94 00:10:00 GMT Distribution: world Organization: Ed Hopper's BBS - Berkeley Lake (Atlanta), GA - 404-446-9462 Reply-To: doug.payton@ehbbs.com (Doug Payton) X-Mailer: UUPCBOUT Version 1.28G Lines: 109 (Continued from previous message...) GEORDI: [pauses] Hekuva? HANS: Ya, we are the Hekuva brothers. [pointing to Franz] He's a Hekuva guy... FRANZ: And so is he! [pointing to Hans] [Another round of Hekuva flexing.] GEORDI: I see. Well you seem to have a...Hekuva shuttle. I've never seen a space-faring vessel made with such lightweight materials. HANS: Lightweight? Surely you jest. FRANZ: Ya, you must be thinking about our sweats. Our clothing must be light and loose so that there is room to expand when we flex. HANS: Ya, dat is it. [They begin to flex again, but Picard holds up his hand.] PICARD: Yes, that is a most impressive demonstration, but I'd like to talk a bit about your vitamin. HANS: It has made us what we are today. It has made us the most pump-ed people this side of... HANS UND FRANZ: Ah-nold Schwartzenegger the VIII! FRANZ: He comes from a long line of men who are the very embodiment of perfect pumptitude. HANS: It is highly sought after. In fact, the Federation has some competition in bidding for an exclusive contract with us. WORF: Probably from the Romulans. Surely they wish this vitamin for use with a war against the glorious Klingon Empire. Klingons would not have a use for chemical enhancement. Why our mere exercises... HANS: [interrupting] ...must be pretty sissy if you must go around with a pony tail. WORF: [showing unparalleled restraint] Perhaps you would not say that if you experienced one of my holodeck calisthenics programs. FRANZ: You are on, Bonehead! [He snickers to himself.] Name the place and time, and we will be there. Then you will see what perfect pecs and bulging biceps can *really* do. HANS: If you prove yourself there, then that may sway us in our negotiations. Your competition, the Centrum Alliance is a powerful force in the vitamin industry. In fact, I think it fair to tell you that they are bribing us. PICARD: Bribery? In what form? HANS: Centrum Silver. FRANZ: One a day. PICARD: Well, I must thank you for offering this information. Gentlemen, we will be continuing this meeting, but you have free run of the ship for the remainder of your time here. HANS: Thank you, Captain. Perhaps we will go lift some weights in preparation for humiliating Lt. Cutie-Pie-with-the-Pony-Tail. [They laugh out loud as they leave. Worf looks incredibly peeved.] PICARD: Well, that was certainly...informative. Thoughts? CRUSHER: They certainly look muscular and fit, and if that vitamin gets the credit, as they say it does, then it would be an important asset to have. Though, I imagine, that we would only need it in smaller doses. They seem to be over-bulked. DATA: I agree with the Doctor. They appear to have overdone their intake of this vitamin to the point that their clothing appears to be artificially stuffed. PICARD: Counselor, did you get any readings? TROI: Other than two over-active egos and the sexist idea that all women are weak, just one. When they spoke of the Centrum Alliance's bribes, I believe they were hoping the Federation would bribe them as well, only better. RIKER: Well they'll certainly be disappointed waiting for that. PICARD: Agreed. I would like to find out more about their physical strength. Mr. Worf, you appear to have been handed the perfect opportunity to learn more about this. Are you up to it? WORF: [with a sly grin] With pleasure, Captain. (Continued next message...) Doug Payton | doug@payton.atl.ga.us | dpayton@qcinet.gwinnett.com --- . CMPQwk #1.4. UNREGISTERED EVALUATION COPY ---- +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Ed Hopper's BBS - Home of uuPCB - Usenet for PC Board - Atlanta, GA | | Node 1 - USR HST - 404-446-9462 Node 2 - V.32bis - 404-446-9465 | +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!spool.mu.edu!sgiblab!gatekeeper.us.oracle.com!decwrl!nntp.crl.com!ehbbs!doug.payton From: doug.payton@ehbbs.com (Doug Payton) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: A Parody - My 1st attempt Message-ID: <5596.596.uupcb@ehbbs.com> Date: 23 May 94 00:10:00 GMT Distribution: world Organization: Ed Hopper's BBS - Berkeley Lake (Atlanta), GA - 404-446-9462 Reply-To: doug.payton@ehbbs.com (Doug Payton) X-Mailer: UUPCBOUT Version 1.28G Lines: 109 (Continued from previous message...) PICARD: Beverly, I want you to schedule a physical for them, if they will permit it. Anything else? GEORDI: Yes, Captain. I wasn't fooling when I mentioned about the lightweight materials on their shuttle. In fact, everything they have is relatively light. TROI: Yes, there was a great deal of confusion on their part when Geordi mentioned this. They were quite shocked. PICARD: Hmmm. Geordi, I want you to see if there is any technological explanation for this. Beyond that, we'll just have to see what they're like. Dismissed. [ COMMERCIAL BREAK (Theragran-M, Jenny Craig and Gold's Gym) ] [Exterior shot: Enterprise (still) in warp.] [Interior shot: Worf, Hans und Franz outside the holodeck door.] WORF: We will start with level 1 and move up slowly. HANS: Fine. We will stoop to your level. [Hans und Franz snicker.] [Worf touches some buttons on the computer panel.] WORF: Computer! Run program "Worf Rock'em-Sock'em Take-no-prisoners Primal-Scream Don't-try-this-at-home Yowsa-yowsa-yowsa Exercise- a-mundo 1". COMPUTER: Program complete. You may enter when ready. [The holodeck doors open to reveal a swamp scene. Mist covers the floor, and there are a number of obstacles and trees that would hide an enemy. Worf, Hans und Franz enter.] WORF: Computer! Begin level 1. COMPUTER: Level 1. [Out from behind a tree comes a beast. It charges directly at Worf. With a few punches, Worf send the beast hurling towards Hans. Hans, with a terrified look on his face, lifts one leg reflexively. The beast, at his uncontrolled speed, catches Hans' leg on his left hip. The beast drops to the floor, motionless.] WORF: [obviously impressed] Amazing. Few people know the real weakness of the Cardassian Gore beast. How did you know that too many of it's vital organs are on the left? HANS: [slightly shaken] Uh...ya! We knew it all along. Didn't we, Franz? FRANZ: Ya, since we were little children. WORF: Very well then...Computer! Level 3. COMPUTER: Level 3. [Dropping high from a perch comes a different beast. It drop directly in the midst of the three. Franz comes at it with wild abandon. They struggle, but Franz is easily tossed off. Hans comes at it with all he has, but the beast puts him 4 feet off the floor with a quick swipe of his paw. Worf, after a struggle, breaks the beast's neck. Hans und Franz look absolutely exhausted lying on the ground.] WORF: [to himself] This does not make sense. The only difference between level 1 and 3 is the element of surprise. Maybe we should try level 2. FRANZ: No, thank you. We have exercised enough for today. WORF: Perhaps you should see Dr. Crusher. I'm sure she... HANS: No! We have no need for a doctor's care. Our bodies are prime examples of BK specimens. WORF: [sarcastically] Then perhaps she would find you excellent subjects of study. FRANZ: Ya, dat is right! We shall go see your doctor and show her what *real* men are made of. HANS: Ya, but first we rest. FRANZ: Ya. [Hans und Franz leave the holodeck, leaving Worf. He watches them leave, then shakes his head in disbelief.] [ COMMERCIAL BREAK - Flintstone's vitamins, Nutra-System and Charles Atlas' biography ] [External shot: Enterprise (STILL) in warp. Surprise, surprise.] (Continued next message...) Doug Payton | doug@payton.atl.ga.us | dpayton@qcinet.gwinnett.com --- . CMPQwk #1.4. UNREGISTERED EVALUATION COPY ---- +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Ed Hopper's BBS - Home of uuPCB - Usenet for PC Board - Atlanta, GA | | Node 1 - USR HST - 404-446-9462 Node 2 - V.32bis - 404-446-9465 | +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!swrinde!sgiblab!gatekeeper.us.oracle.com!decwrl!nntp.crl.com!ehbbs!doug.payton From: doug.payton@ehbbs.com (Doug Payton) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: A Parody - My 1st attempt Message-ID: <5597.596.uupcb@ehbbs.com> Date: 23 May 94 00:10:00 GMT Distribution: world Organization: Ed Hopper's BBS - Berkeley Lake (Atlanta), GA - 404-446-9462 Reply-To: doug.payton@ehbbs.com (Doug Payton) X-Mailer: UUPCBOUT Version 1.28G Lines: 109 (Continued from previous message...) [Internal shot: Sick bay. Hans is being examine by Dr. Crusher's medical tricorder.] CRUSHER: And you say that you were thrown against a rock wall. HANS: Ya, it tossed me in the air with no effort. Who *knows* what kind of strength that Lt. Worf put into that holodeck program. FRANZ: Ya, I think he was playing dirty, like the wimpy-wimpy man that he is. CRUSHER: Well, I wouldn't call Lt. Worf a wimp. At least not to his face. FRANZ: Ya? Well, bring him on! CRUSHER: Before we get into that, I'd like to try a little experiment. [Crusher goes over to the replicator.] CRUSHER: Computer. Two lead balls, 30 kilograms each, Earl Grey, hot. [Two lead balls materialize. Crusher goes to pick them up, but has to blow them off first. She brings them to Hans und Franz.] CRUSHER: I'd like each of you to hold one of these in your right hand and extend your right arm out straight. Hold them there until I return. HANS: Ah, a strength test. Well doctor, I'm sure you will be amazed. [Crusher smiles and walks away. Picard enters.] PICARD: [sniffing the air] Do I smell tea? CRUSHER: Sort of. I'm trying an experiment on the Hekuvas. According to my readings, their muscles are nothing but bulk. They have little to no strength value. PICARD: No strength. In *those* biceps? CRUSHER: Well, enough bulk produces *some* additional strength, but without development, they just take up space. Their body fat is negligible, but the muscle tissue does nothing for them. See? [She points to the Hekuva brothers, who are now struggling to hold up their arms. Hans, when he notices Crusher and Picard looking at him, put the lead ball back in his right hand after giving the arm a break. Franz, too, is struggling, but when he realizes he's being watched he begins to make mad flexing gyrations, but with a painful look on his face.] PICARD: Do you think the vitamin on Beta Keratin has anything to do with this? CRUSHER: I've been analyzing the data collected by the Federation's negotiators, and they do mention the muscle bulk, but they never looked into real strength improvement. PICARD: What if they *did* work to develop strength? CRUSHER: It wouldn't work. Cellular data suggests that the resultant muscle tissue doesn't respond to conventional physical regimes. The mitocondria interact with the cellular membranes in such a way that all attempts to increase the division rate result in excessive nucleic acids building up and... PICARD: Doctor! Your technobabble is becoming...well...plain old babble. What are you saying? CRUSHER: Those muscles are just for show. PICARD: This would go a long way to explaining why the materials used to build the shuttle and the items they have are so lightweight. They *can't* lift much weight. [They look back at the Hekuvas, who are perspiring profusely.] [ COMMERCIAL BREAK - Saturday Night Live, Jack LaLaine video and Burger King's new Lite menu ] [External shot: Enterprise does a U-turn on a dime.] PICARD: [voice over] Captain's Log, Stardate 00002.35...I mean 32770.35. We are returning to Beta Keratin. After discussing our findings with Federation negotiators, it has been agreed that we will not pursue the contract with the BK's.] [Internal shot: Transporter room 3. Picard, Riker, Crusher and Worf are present with Hans und Franz on the Transporter pads. An Ensign is behind the transporter control panel.] (Continued next message...) Doug Payton | doug@payton.atl.ga.us | dpayton@qcinet.gwinnett.com --- . CMPQwk #1.4. UNREGISTERED EVALUATION COPY ---- +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Ed Hopper's BBS - Home of uuPCB - Usenet for PC Board - Atlanta, GA | | Node 1 - USR HST - 404-446-9462 Node 2 - V.32bis - 404-446-9465 | +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!swrinde!sgiblab!gatekeeper.us.oracle.com!decwrl!nntp.crl.com!ehbbs!doug.payton From: doug.payton@ehbbs.com (Doug Payton) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: A Parody - My 1st attempt Message-ID: <5598.596.uupcb@ehbbs.com> Date: 23 May 94 00:10:00 GMT Distribution: world Organization: Ed Hopper's BBS - Berkeley Lake (Atlanta), GA - 404-446-9462 Reply-To: doug.payton@ehbbs.com (Doug Payton) X-Mailer: UUPCBOUT Version 1.28G Lines: 59 (Continued from previous message...) PICARD: I'm sorry that we will not be seeing more of each other. It appears that the Federation just isn't ready for this kind of...advancement. HANS: Ya, I can understand you Captain, but you are passing up an incredible find. Let us remind you one more time of what you will be missing. [The Hekuvas do what Hekuvas do best.] PICARD: Ensign, energize. ENSIGN: Yes sir? [Hans und Franz are still flexing, but not energizing.] PICARD: [slightly miffed, turning to the Ensign] Ensign, ENERGIZE! ENSIGN: Yes sir! [Still nothing but flexing.] PICARD: [walking up to the Ensign] Ensign, I gave you an order. Could I have your name?! ENSIGN: [quite nervous] You might, sir, if your name was Ensign Svetlana Energize. PICARD: ENSIGN ENERGIZE, ENERGIZE!!! [Energize energizes. Hans und Franz dematerialize. The flexing frenzy ceases.] DATA: [over comm badge] Data to Captain Picard. PICARD: [tapping his comm badge] Yes, Data. DATA: [over comm badge] We will be in orbit over Beta Keratin in 10 minutes. [Picard gets a shocked look on his face. Riker drops his head. Troi feels Picard's pain. Crusher gets a blank look on her face. Energize grits her teeth and closes her eyes.] [Worf smirks.] THE END Doug Payton | doug@payton.atl.ga.us | dpayton@qcinet.gwinnett.com --- . CMPQwk #1.4. UNREGISTERED EVALUATION COPY ---- +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Ed Hopper's BBS - Home of uuPCB - Usenet for PC Board - Atlanta, GA | | Node 1 - USR HST - 404-446-9462 Node 2 - V.32bis - 404-446-9465 | +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+