From henry@cerberus.bhpese.oz.au Sat Dec 18 16:47:38 1993 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["19454" "Sun" "19" "December" "1993" "09:44:39" "+1100" "henry@cerberus.bhpese.oz.au" "henry@cerberus.bhpese.oz.au" nil "379" "ST: TNG Parody" "^From:" nil nil "12"]) Return-Path: Received: from merlin.resmel.bhp.com.au by depot.cis.ksu.edu SMTP (8.6.4) id QAA08628; Sat, 18 Dec 1993 16:47:28 -0600 Received: from cerberus.bhpese.oz.au by merlin.resmel.bhp.com.au with SMTP id AA20638 (5.67b/IDA-1.5 for ); Sun, 19 Dec 1993 09:47:05 +1100 Received: from localhost by cerberus.bhpese.oz.au id AA05215; Sun, 19 Dec 1993 09:44:39 +1100; sendmail 5.67a/Sm3.10RMPSU (from henry@cerberus.bhpese.oz.au for ) Message-Id: <199312182244.AA05215@cerberus.bhpese.oz.au> Status: RO From: henry@cerberus.bhpese.oz.au To: jfy@cis.ksu.edu Subject: ST: TNG Parody Date: Sun, 19 Dec 1993 09:44:39 +1100 STAAAAAAAR TREK: D-GENERATION "Over The Limit" By Tanya Dean CAPTAIN Jean-Luc Bacardi tugged down the top of his uniform, before it had a chance to leap up and expose his bare chest. "CAPTAIN!" yelled Burp, the Kahlua Security Chief. "DETECTING AN UNCHARTED PLANET!" The captain winced as he almost went deaf. "LIEUTENANT! This is not 'Married With Children!' Please lower your volume." "YES, SIR!" Bacardi rolled his eyes and turned to his Second Officer. "Lieutenant Commander Daiquiri, where is the planet located?" "In the B52 star system, sir" the android stated instantly. "Set co-ordinates for that Star System, Warp 8." "Sir, the speed limit is warp 6." "Warp 6 then," grumbled Bacardi, glaring at the gooide-gooide android and wishing he was aboard his old ship, the Starguzzler. The Surprise-D shot off into Warp. Bacardi looked to the OOPS station. "Mr. Daiquiri, how long will it take to arrive -" "Four hours, three minutes, ten seconds, three hundred and fifty nano seconds, four hundred and thirty ..." And he babbled on like that until they arrived. "Ah" he said, Sherlock Holmes style. "We are here." Phew. Bacardi thought. Any longer and I'd've used his head as a paperweight! "Ensign Whiskey, standard parking orbit." Whiskey was about to park the Surprise, when the stars began moving into an organized pattern which read 'No Parking.' "Merde" Bacardi spat out. Daiquiri sniffed the air. "I am afraid you are mistaken, Captain. I smell no-" "Shut up, Daiquiri. Ensign, just park the damn ship." Whiskey pulled up the gear. The Surprise screeched and lurched throwing everyone off balance and Bacardi from his chair. "Whiskey!" he yelled, picking himself off the floor. "I'm sorry, sir" apologized the acne covered Ensign, "I'm still on my L's." Bacardi tugged down his uniform and walked toward the front on the bridge. "Mr. Daiquiri, scan the planet." Daiquiri's fingers flew over the OOPS console, leaving gold fingerprints. "Report." Daiquiri said nothing. "Report" Bacardi repeated. Daiquiri still maintained his silence. Bacardi walked in front of him. "Mr. Daiquiri, Report!" Daiquiri looked at the captain apologetically with that hurt puppy dog look. "Don't look at me like that" Bacardi said, closing his eyes, so he wouldn't be swayed by his second officer. "Obey my order and tell me what the report showed." At Daiquiri's continued silence, Ensign Whiskey spoke up. "Captain, I believe he is obeying your order." "No he isn't. I ordered him to give me the repo-" "No, sir, you told him to shut up." Bacardi sighed. "Just give me the damned report, Daiquiri." "Yes, sir!" said the android, eagerly. "And keep it to less than 10 words." Daiquiri sighed and was clearly disappointed. "It is a class M&M planet with breathable atmosphere" he said. At that point, Whiskey stood up. "May I be excused from the Bridge, sir? The head of mother nature is calling." Bacardi rolled his eyes. God only knows why I made him an officer .... BarFleet Academy, take him back PLEASE!!!! "You may go" he said, "and while you're at it, replicate some Clearasil for those other heads of yours." "Yes, sir." Whiskey ran up the ramp. "No running on my bridge!" Whiskey walked into the turbolift. Of course he had no need for a toilet, the real reason he left was he had promised to meet his girlfriend, Fluffy Duck in Ten-Backward. "Are there any life signs on the planet?" Bacardi asked. "I am detecting no life signs, apart from vegetation," Daiquiri replied. "Are you sure?" Daiquiri looked at him. "Are you sure you do not require a toupee?" "Daiquiri!" exclaimed Bacardi, shocked. "Did I offend you, sir? .... I am sorry." Daiquiri looked apologetic. "I was attempting to be sarcastic." "Well, don't - and I'll have you know I don't need a toupee!" Bacardi stroked his bald head. "Only vegetation..." he repeated to himself. Counsellor Tia Maria lurched forward and Commander Vodka caught her. "Tia....Are you all right?" She took a moment to compose herself. "I'm sensing life down there .... Someone is trapped .... Pain .... such pain...." She fell to her knees, gasping and snorting, feeling the intense pain of whoever or whatever was down there. Bacardi turned to his First Officer, William T. Vodka. "Numero Uno, prepare a Going Away Team and fax down immediately." "Yessir. Daiquiri, Burp, you're with me and we'll need you, Counsellor, to pinpoint the location of the being down there." She nodded, still feeling somewhat dazed, seeing itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dots before her eyes. Vodka taped his mobile. "Dr. Pineapple Crush, Commander Midouri La Forge, report to facsimile Room three for Going Away Team duty." Vodka, Daiquiri, Tia Maria and Burp met Midouri and Dr. Crush there. Midouri bumped into the Fax machine. "Damn. Got the wrong VISOR." He felt his head and he had his Hard Rock Cafe, Risa sun visor on. "Six to fax down, Chief" Commander Vodka said. Facsimile Chief, Miles O'Brandy smiled, a master of the Fax. "Energize" said Vodka. "Oi!" added Daiquiri, before they disappeared in the effects of the Fax. The planet was much like Earth, before the Television age took over. Carpeted by grass, trees hills, and rivers and so on. "I've never seen anything like it before," Pineapple remarked. Vodka began to wonder if the person Tia Maria sensed wasn't Anne of Green Gables. "Counsellor?" She turned to him. "I'm sensing life in this direction." Vodka nodded to the rest of the team and they headed north. Captain Jean-Luc Bacardi paced around the bridge, wearing out Paramount's new carpet. "They've been gone for over an hour" he said, then tapped his mobile. "Bacardi to Gone Away Team. Report." There was no reply. "Gone Away Team. Come in!" Still no reply. "O'Brandy, can you get a fix on them?" A moment later, the reply came. "No, sir. In fact, I can't detect anyone down there." "What?!" The blood rushed to Bacardi's head. They can't be dead .... The Fax machine wouldn't work, because the pattern buffer had jammed again. Bacardi took the shuttle Galliano instead and landed on the planet's lush green surface. He looked around, but could see no one, took out his Breathalyser and began scanning. He got some strange readings in a northerly direction, so he followed them. He stopped when he came to a large old tree. One of the pods burst, sending the large seeds onto his head. "Ouch!" exclaimed Bacardi, then softer, "maybe I do need a toupee after all..." The Breathalyser then bleeped, diverting his attention. The readings were getting stronger the more he headed north. He decided to follow the pattern. It could lead to the missing Gone Away Team. He left the tree and walked over the hill. The grassy ground stretched on forever. Bacardi continued walking. The Breathalyser suddenly went insane. The readings were stronger than ever now - Over the limit for sure. Bacardi stopped, waved it around and took a step forward and to his surprise, the ground parted. He plummeted into the blackness below, screaming as he fell and then he remembered he forgot to turn off his replikettle he used to make his earl black tea. Merde he thought. I hope the ship hasn't burnt down. Bacardi hit bottom. Fortunately, it was soft and he was not injured. Shaken, but not stirred. Surrounded by blackness, he looked around. "Is anybody here?" he called out, then dim lights came on. Bacardi widened his eyes, as he saw his Gone Away Team, standing motionless. He called out to them, but there came no replies. Only Daiquiri was able to move slowly. Bacardi moved closer to him, and spoke. His second officer tries to speak back, but Bacardi was unable to hear him. "Whoever you are," he yelled into the blackness, "release my people now." There was no reply. "Who are you?!" Bacardi shouted. "Are you afraid to show yourself?" "Hmph! Me? Afraid! .... Don't make me laugh, Jean-Luc...." came a smug, evil voice. ".... And about your people, well that depends ...." An evil chuckle. A spotlight shone about ten meters away to the left of Bacardi. He spun around. "Liqueur!" he exclaimed. Liqueur gave his I'm up to something nasty smile. "What have you done to them?" Bacardi demanded. "Release them at once!" "Now, now, Captain. You're hardly in a position to make demands. They're immobilized and will remain that way until I decide to free them and now you're here, my plan is complete." Confused, Bacardi started to say, "What pl-" Liqueur immobilised him with the device he was holding, and smiled. He then released Daiquiri. "What do you intend to do with my friends?" Daiquiri demanded. "Your friends. Oh how touching ..... Well, nothing, really." "Then let them go." Liqueur smirked. "And why should I do that, Brother Dear? I need them." Daiquiri frowned. "What for?" Liqueur's smile widened. "You see, I need hostages. Make one wrong move, Little Brother, and they're all history. It's quite simple, really." "I do not see how you can harm them" Daiquiri stated. "Simple, I use this." Liqueur showed him his remote control. "I've paused hem, you see." Daiquiri frowned. "Paused ... But when the captain came, I could move slightly." "Oh, I had you on still advance. Well, to get back onto the subject, I simply press stop and whoever I choose, dies. I'll demonstrate." "No!" "Relax, Daiquiri. I was going to use the rock over there." Daiquiri calmed. Liqueur pressed the stop button and the rock disappeared into nothingness. Daiquiri's eyes widened and he looked at his brother. "Or I can have fun with them" sneered Liqueur. He pressed fast-forward and fired it at Burp, making him age rapidly into a very old Kahlua, then hit rewind, firing at Midouri, de-aging him rapidly to a baby, with a mini Visor. "Stop this ...." Daiquiri said. "Change them back, please." Liqueur rolled his eyes. "You're no fun, Daiquiri" and he reversed the process. "Don't try anything stupid," he warned fingering, the remote. "You've seen what this baby can do." "You are a coward, Liqueur," Daiquiri stated. Liqueur smiled sinisterly and shook his head. "I wouldn't say that if I were you." He aimed the remote at Midouri La Forge, Daiquiri's best friend, finger on the stop button. "Do not do it, Liqueur, please." "Please ...." Liqueur mocked in his nasal mocking voice. "I warned you, Daiquiri." Liqueur began to press down on stop. "Or ... he said, "see your beloved Doctor over there? Maybe I should Crush her." "Why do you need hostages?" Daiquiri asked quickly. "It is me you want. Let them go, or are you not game enough to do that?" Liqueur hesitated, then took his finger off the stop button. "All right!" he hissed, pressing play. The Surprise Going Away Team began moving around, wondering what the hell was going on. Liqueur pressed the transfer button, and the now Coming Back Team all faxed back up to the Surprise. All except Daiquiri. "Satisfied?" Liqueur snarled. "Yes, thank you." Daiquiri then started to babble away about the evil deed that his brother had done and Liqueur put him on mute. Daiquiri realized after a while, stopped talking and put his hands on his hips. Liqueur took him off mute. "Sorry 'bout that, but you have a nasty habit of rabbiting on and on and on." Liqueur walked over to his Replibar. "I brought this with me" he said. "Care for a drink," then he smiled mischievously, "champagne, perhaps?" "No thank you, Liqueur." "Well, I'm going to have one." Liqueur turned to his Replibar. Daiquiri jabbed his fingers into his back. Liqueur turned around and smirked. "Sorry to disappoint you, Daq, but my off switch isn't in the same place as yours. Nice try, though. Don't do it again" Liqueur threatened menacingly. Daiquiri backed off a little. Liqueur turned back to his Replibar. "Banana Daiquiri, Large," he said, with a sly smile, looking at his brother. The creamy yellow drink materialised. Liqueur picked it up and swallowed it in one gulp. Daiquiri looked at him. "On second thoughts, I think will have a glass of Liqueur." Liqueur smiled approvingly. "Your sarcasm's definitely improving." Daiquiri smiled at this. "What do you want with me?" he then asked. "You know what I want." Liqueur sat, pocketing the remote. "You lured us here so you could capture me and hold my friends hostage so you could manipulate me." Liqueur snapped his fingers. "Spot on, Daq, but that's not all. I brought you here so I could ... kill you." Daiquiri looked at his brother. "Kill me? .... Because you are so jealous?" "Yes, dammit! You and your perfect little life - Me with 'F all-" "Counsellor Tia Maria sensed intense pain from the planet when we were in orbit." Liqueur frowned. "Pain?" Daiquiri nodded. Liqueur tried to hide the inner pain he was feeling. "Oh yeah .... he said quickly, "that must've been when I wasn't looking where I was going and ran into that..." Liqueur pointed to a rock which protruded outwards at groin level. Daiquiri winced slightly. "There are times I wish Father hadn't made us so fully functional - and that was one of them." "You wanted to kill me" Daiquiri stated. "Something has stopped you, otherwise you would have done so already." There was a pause. "But..." continued Liqueur slowly, softer, then he hesitated, and looked down, "I .... I can't do it...." Daiquiri stared at his brother in disbelief. "But you have always hated me." Liqueur nodded. "But ... well .... " he paused, finding the next words hard to say. He looked up at Daiquiri "I can't .... because .... because you're the only family I have ...." Daiquiri cocked his head to one side and managed a small smile. "If I were human, Liqueur, I would be touched, but you told me to remind you ...." Liqueur frowned. "Remind me what?" "You are letting your compassionate side show again." Liqueur bashed the ground with his fist. "Dammit! I hate it when that happens! I'll never be truly evil when I have this blasted compassionate side!" he growled. "Perhaps it is better that you do." Liqueur scowled at his brother. Daiquiri's mobile chirped and he tapped it. "Daiquiri here." "Daiquiri, are you all right?" came Bacardi's voice. "Yes, sir, I am fine." "What are you doing down there?" "Arguing." "With Liqueur? I'll fax you up immediately." "Stand by on that, sir. Daiquiri out." "You're leaving" Liqueur said. Daiquiri nodded. "I must return to my duty." Liqueur looked at him, pleading. "Don't leave me here ..." There was a pause and then, "I planned to take over from you and leave this planet, but now ..." "You have been trapped here?" Liqueur nodded. At that moment, the facsimile sound was heard. Daiquiri turned around and Liqueur stood. The figure formed into Lieutenant Commander Tequila Sunrise. She pulled out her phaser, and then saw Daiquiri was unharmed. "Commander" she said. "Captain Bacardi ordered me to fax down to make sure Liqueur hadn't taken your place again." She then turned around and saw Liqueur. Liqueur stared at her. He felt something - like he'd been waiting for her all his life. She stared at him and dropped her phaser. She felt the same toward him. She didn't hear Daiquiri call her name as she ran in slow motion toward Liqueur and Liqueur toward her. Faint music began to play. Daiquiri recognised it as 'Chariots Of Fire.' Liqueur and Tequila embraced gently, then Liqueur tilted her back in a classic Hollywood style pose, then they kissed. "This is highly irregular behaviour" Daiquiri stated, "for a BarFleet officer and an evil android." "Love does that, Daiquiri," Liqueur said. "It breaks all the rules. Perhaps you'll find that out someday." Daiquiri cocked his head slightly. "Perhaps." "Tell Captain Bacardi that I resign" Tequila said, gazing lovingly into Liqueur's beautiful golden eyes. Daiquiri nodded. Obviously she felt that strongly about it. "Are you coming, Liqueur? It is almost time to fax up." "No, Daiquiri. I'll be staying here." "But you said you wanted to leave -" Liqueur nodded. "That was before. There was nothing for me here. I was lonely and bored out of my positronic brain, but now," he drowned himself in Tequila's eyes and smiled. "I have everything I ever dreamed of ... But I will let you fax back to your ship." Daiquiri smiled. "Thank you, Liqueur. I am happy for you and-" "Look ... would you get going before I change my mind?!" Daiquiri quickly tapped his mobile. "Surprise, one to fax up." Daiquiri told the crew about Tequila's resignation. They were surprised, but happy for both her and Liqueur. Tia Maria smiled. "The pain is gone. I sense only love." Daiquiri smiled too, hoping that someday he would be able to love. Captain Bacardi rubbed his hands together. "Well, that's solved the mystery. Whiskey, get us out of here, Warp 6." "I can't move the ship, sir. It's being held by clamps." "What?!" "CAPTAIN!" yelled Burp, then remembering he had been told to keep quiet, he whispered, "receiving an audio transmission." Bacardi strained to hear him. "Open Optus frequencies." "Yes." "This is Captain Jean-Luc Bacardi of the USS Surpr-" A space policeman appeared on screen. "You have been detained for parking in a no parking zone and are being fined one thousand credits. Fax it over immediately, or we'll revoke your captain's license." "Merde!" Bacardi yelled. Reluctantly, he gave the order to fax the credits over. He was in a huff. Damn! There goes my savings for my Captain's yacht and my no claim bonus. The clamps disappeared, releasing the Surprise. "Thank you" smiled the policeman, giving a salute. Bacardi scowled and gave him the two up. "Whiskey, warp 6. Get us the hell out of here." The USS Surprise glowed as it took off. In his Not Ready Yet Room, Bacardi was with his second officer. To Bacardi's surprise, Daiquiri looked human. No gold skin or yellow eyes. "Sacre Blue!" he exclaimed. "You're not Daiquiri! You're Brent Spiner!!" He was about to call security. "I am Daiquiri, sir" the android insisted. "I have put make-up on and wear blue contact lenses to appear more human." Bacardi calmed down. "Are you all right, Mr. Daiquiri, after your experience down there?" "Yes, sir. If I were human, I might still be a little shaken, but I am happy for my brother. He found what he was looking for." "And so did Commander Sunrise, I see." Daiquiri nodded. "Yes, sir." He turned to leave. "Mr. Daiquiri?" Daiquiri turned back around. "Yes, sir?" "That planet .... It didn't have a name, did it?" "No, sir. It was not charted." "It's BarFleet's policy to name any planets we discover. I don't have any ideas for a name, do you?" Daiquiri paused for a second. "I believe I do, sir." Bacardi prompted him. "Well, what should we call it?" "I believe we should call it Planet Hollywood." THE END??? --------------------------- Duplication of this material is prohibited by Lore -- but I'm sure he won't mind if you made a few copies! But If you want to publish this material in a fanzine or something, I must be contacted. Coordinates below. As Lore says, Live Lie and Prosper! Tanya "Lore" Dean, 15/11A Cambridge St Sydney NSW 2111 AUSTRALIA --------------------------- Since Tanya does not have direct access to the net please address any email to: henry@cerberus.bhpese.oz.au INTERNET