From Angus_Wong@magic-bbs.corp.apple.com Mon Apr 12 07:45:29 1993 Return-Path: Received: from guardian.apple.com by depot.cis.ksu.edu SMTP (5.65a) id AA05657; Mon, 12 Apr 93 07:45:29 -0500 Received: from [90.1.0.15] by guardian.apple.com with SMTP (5.65/7-Aug-1992-eef) id AA20145; Mon, 12 Apr 93 05:36:30 -0700 for Received: from [17.95.4.19] by jumbo.apple.com with SMTP (5.64/26-Oct-1992-eef) id AA24786; Mon, 12 Apr 93 05:40:39 PDT for jfy@cis.ksu.edu Received: from MAGIC (32688) by magic-bbs.corp.apple.com (PostalUnion/SMTP 1.0.4b5) id AA32688.665547; Mon, 12 Apr 1993 07:35:46 EST Message-Id: <1993Apr08.032340.665547@magic-bbs.corp.apple.com> Organization: Macintosh Awareness Group In Canada Status: RO From: Angus_Wong@magic-bbs.corp.apple.com To: jfy@cis.ksu.edu Subject: Fwd: Submission Date: Thu, 08 Apr 1993 03:23:40 EST STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION "Operation: NOT!" A parody of the popular television series by Angus Wong (Toronto, Canada) Angus_Wong@magic-bbs.corp.apple.com ARE YOU SICK OF THE SMOOTH AND FLAWLESS OPERATIONS OF THE ENTERPRISE? ARE YOU SICK OF THE CONVENIENT DISASTERS AND MALFUNCTIONS THAT GIVE THE SHOW ITS DRAMATIC APPEAL? WELL, HERES WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN THE SHOWS, STUFF THAT YOU DONT SEE... Captains Log, Stardate 12345.6 - We are on route to the nearest starbase for a maintenance checkup. There are no scheduled missions, otherwise. No important alien guests to transport, and no ongoing experiments with the ships computer. In short, there is absolutely nothing to do. Bridge Picard: "Number One, you have the bridge." Riker: "Aye sir." Captains Quarters Picard: "Tea, Earl Gr-" [reconsiders] "Water, four degrees" [water materializes] Picard: "Ahhhhhh." [Picard goes to his bed, picks up a copy of Doyles Sherlock Holmes, reconsiders, puts it aside, and goes to sleep] Picard: "Computer, lights off." Sickbay Crusher [attending to patient]: "Now that should take care of it." Patient: "Thank you Doctor." [leaves] [Crusher goes to her medical workstation and turns it off] Crusher: "I think Ill find something else to do." [Crusher leaves] Engineering LaForge: "Data, are you registering anomalous readings from the dilithium containment chamber?" Data: "No Georgi. Are you?" LaForge: "Me neither." Data: "Oh." Bridge, battlestations Worf: "Commander, sensors are picking up a large vessel decloaking off the starboard bow." Riker: "Can you identify it lieutenant?" Worf: "One moment... it is Romulan." Riker: "Red alert, full stop. Hail them Mr. Worf." Worf: "Channel open." Riker: "This is commander William Riker of the Federation starship Enterprise. How can we be of help?" Tomalok: "Ah, commander. We meet again. In the neutral zone." [Riker pauses for a moment, then replies] Riker: "We are NOT in the neutral zone... Tomalok." Tomalok: [turns and consults aides] "I am DEEPLY sorry COMMANDER. It APPEARS that I have made a SMALL mistake." [and as a parting shot] "I look forward to our NEXT encounter. And it will BE in the neutral zone..." [Romulan ship cloaks and leaves] Riker: "What?! Not even a token phaser shot?" Worf: "The Romulans HAVE no honour." Riker: "Lieutenant, fire photon torpedo at last registered location of Romulan vessel." [photon torpedo launched ... disappears into the distance] Worf: "The torpedo did NOT acquire a target." Riker: "Damn. Cancel alert. Ensign, continue course." Ensign: "What?" Riker: "I said, CONTINUE COURSE." Ensign: "Course WHAT?" Riker: "CONTINUE THE COURSE TO THE STARBASE, DAMMIT!" Ensign: "Oh, OK. Course set and engaged." Riker: [pauses] "Did I TELL you to engage?" Ensign: "No sir." Riker: "Arrgh. Never mind. Forget it." Engineering LaForge: "Data, are you SURE youre not registering anomalous readings?" Data: "Yes Geordi. I am certain of that fact." LaForge: "Hmmmm." Captains Quarters Intercom: "Captain, we have arrived at starbase 321." Picard: "Out damned spot!" Intercom: "Captain?" Picard: "Oh yes, sorry Wil. I was just dreaming." Intercom: "Yes captain." Picard: "Ill be on the bridge shortly. Picard out." [Picard gets out of bed, gets up, walks to the bathroom to relieve himself, and on the way trips and falls onto the floor.] Picard: "Oooomph!" Sickbay [Nobody is in sickbay] Engineering LaForge: "There! Data, look. In section 12B of the containment chamber. Theres a small leak." Data: "Your efforts at deceiving me will not succeed Geordi. My readings indicate no unusual events whatsoever. I recommend that you stop these interruptions." LaForge: "Damn." Ten Forward Guinan: "May I help you?" Client: "No thanks." Sickbay Crusher: [entering from doors] "Oops." [leaves] Holodeck Two [Barclay is playing with one of his programs again] Barclay: "And take THAT you wandering piece of cosmic garbage." [Barclay socks a Q lookalike in the jaw] Fake Q: "Ooow!" Troi: "Hahahaha. Very good! Very good!" Engineering Data: "Lieutenant! Warp engines are offline!" LaForge: "What?! Laforge to bridge, we have-" Data: "I took them offline for the maintenance overhaul. We are docked, remember?" LaForge: [stares at Data] "Har har har. Veeerrrry fuuuuunny Data." [Data manages an android smile] Worfs Quarters [Alexander is playing with a video game. Its called Wesley Invasion. Apparently, venting pent up frustration with certain characters has taken a high priority in personal recreation among ships crew.] Alexander: "Take THAT you slime bucket." Ensign Ros Quarters Ro: "Zzzzzzzzzzzz." Bridge Picard: [just exiting the turbolift onto the bridge] "Have we finished with the docking procedures, Wil?" Riker: "Yes captain. Were just beginning the maintenance phase." Picard: [pauses] "Very well, Ill be in my quarters if you need me." [Picard wanders off again, wondering why on Earth he was called onto the bridge at all.] [Some time passes, and the maintenance is finished] Picard: [in captains chair] "Ensign, set course for the neutral zone. Its time we paid an old friend a visit. Engage!" [Enterprise warps out] STAY TUNED WHEN NEXT TIME WE SEE PICARD MEET TOMALOK. THIS TIME, IN THE NEUTRAL ZONE... REALLY.