Star Trek: The Next Degeneration "Family Values" A parody of "The Inner Light" Guest Stars: BARBARA BILLINGSLEY, TONY DOW and JERRY MATHERS as THE BEAVER by Matt Butts (c) 1994 except for the stolen jokes. Ten Forward: This is something we don't see very often on the Enterprise. As the ship's highest ranking officer, Jean-Luc Picard must always put forth a certain sense of cool and machismo that makes people think he's actually in control of things. Certainly, his station doesn't permit him to sit around Ten Forward trying vainly to drown his sorrows in synthehol (it never works). But that is exactly where we find him as our story opens. And of course, being the concerned friends that they are, Riker and Troi join him to give their friend support and attention. Troi: May we join you, Captain? Picard: Only if you don't call me "Captain." For the next sixteen hours, I would like to forget that I am the Captain of the Enterprise. Just call me Jean-Luc. Riker: Certainly, Jean-Luc. Picard: And I'll just call you... damn! I've been calling you 'Number One' for so long I think I've forgotten your name. Riker: Sounds like you've been having a bad day. Picard: A bad day? That would be a major understatement! Stellar Cartography and Bio-Mechanical Research got into an argument about power allotments, there was almost a core breach in Main Engineering, and we went to red alert over a fleet of invading alien ships that turned out to be some crossed wires between the ship's computer and one of Wesley's video games! And to top it all off, Counselor Troi complained incessantly, as usual, about bridge decor, and that "uh-huh" girl at the helm complained that she doesn't get enough lines! (sigh) And to top it all off, Q put Ben Gay in my shorts this morning! Some days I hate this job. Troi: You need something to take your mind off things. When I need a lift, I like to go to my quarters, take all my clothes off and plunge into a tub of chocolate... Riker: I just got in some new titles from the Holodeck Program of the Month Club. Perhaps you'd like to try one of them... Voice over Comm: * Captain Picard, please report to the bridge. * Picard: See, it never ends! The Bridge: Picard arrives on the bridge to see a mysterious alien probe on the main viewer. Picard turns to tactical, where Lt. Worf is doing a security scan. Picard: What is it? Data: It appears to be a mysterious alien probe. Picard: Open a hailing frequency. Picard turns to face the screen again, and a bolt from the object seems to come right through the viewer, striking the captain and knocking him to the floor. Riker: Captain? Captain?? Captain! Riker taps his comm badge. Riker: Medical emergency on the bridge...! Cleaver Master Bedroom: Picard lifts his head and looks around. He is in a strange bedroom, with a strange woman standing over him. June Cleaver: Ward? Ward?? Ward! Picard: Who are you? June Cleaver: Don't be silly, Ward. I'm your wife. Picard: What did you call me? June: Ward, is something wrong? Picard: Why do you keep calling me that? June: Because it's your name, silly. Ward, are you feeling all right? You haven't been yourself lately. I mean, you were a little hard on the beaver last night. The Bridge: Dr. Crusher arrives on the bridge and examines Picard, who lays unconscious in the middle of the floor. Riker: What's wrong with him, Doctor? Dr. Crusher: According to these readings... he's unconscious. Riker: We can all see that, Doctor. I was hoping you could tell us *why* he's unconscious. Dr. Crusher: Damned if I know. But aside from the fact that he's unconscious, he's fine. Riker: Counselor Troi, do you sense anything? Troi: Yes... I sense.... Riker: What? Troi: I sense that you're standing on my foot. Riker: Sorry... Dr. Crusher: I could give him mouth-to-mouth. Riker: Do you think that would help? Dr. Crusher: Well, it couldn't hurt. Back in the Cleaver Master Bedroom: Picard is confused. He does not know where he is, what he is doing there, or why this strange woman keeps calling him 'Ward'. Picard: Now, let me get this straight. My name is Ward Cleaver. You're my wife June. I have two sons, Wally and The Beaver. June: That's right. Picard: Just one question. June: What's that? Picard: What ever possessed us to name our son Beaver? June: You said it would soon good in a TV show title. Picard: Well, it really doesn't matter. None of this is real. It's somebody's idea of a practical joke. Computer... end program. Nothing happens. Computer, exit holodeck. Still no response. Rod Serling enters and stands in front of the fireplace with his hands crossed. Rod Serling: Submitted for you consideration: Ward Cleaver, the perfect TV father who seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed, unaware of who he is or what his purpose is in life. A man at the mercy of the fates and the writer. Ward Cleaver has just stepped into that dark dimension between light and shadow, between science and superstition, a place we call.... Picard: Will you please shut up! ======================================================================== Matt Butts "I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one St. Louis Park, MN another, and I know there are people in the world who do not love their fellow human beings, matt@winternet.com and I *HATE* people like that!" (Tom Lehrer) ======================================================================== Path: tivoli.tivoli.com!geraldo.cc.utexas.edu!cs.utexas.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!jussieu.fr!univ-lyon1.fr!swidir.switch.ch!newsfeed.ACO.net!Austria.EU.net!EU.net!uunet!winternet.com!matt From: matt@winternet.com (Matt Butts) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: Inner Light parody (Part 2 of 4) Date: 2 Oct 1994 18:01:24 GMT Organization: StarNet Communications, Inc Lines: 209 Message-ID: <36mshk$8tc@blackice.winternet.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: icicle.winternet.com X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] The Cleaver Living Room A few hours later: Dr. Ben Casey makes a special guest appearance. He has just visited with Picard and is now talking with June down in the living room. Dr. Casey: I think your husband is going to be okay, Mrs. Cleaver. He's just a little disoriented, but that's to be expected, as sick as he's been. June: But what about this delusion that he's the captain of a space ship? Dr. Casey: Apparently a hallucination brought on by the fever. It should pass in a couple of days. Well, I better get back to my office. Give me a call if there are any new developments. Dr. Casey picks up his doctor bag and exits as the boys, Wally and the Beaver enter. Wally: Hi, Mom. Hey, how's dad doing? June: Your father's going to be fine, boys, but he's still a little weak and he thinks he's a spaceship captain. Wally: Wow! Neat. Beaver: Golly, it'd be neat if Dad were a real spaceship captain. Then we could go to the moon or Mars or Venus... maybe even the sun! Wally: Aw, Beav, ya dumb goof... we couldn't go to the sun. It's too hot. Beaver: Golly. Well, we could go at night. Wally: Gee, Beav, that's an old joke even in the '50s. June: Well, you boys run along, and try and stay out of trouble. Wally: Gee, Mom, we're supposed to get into trouble. That's the point of this whole show. June: Then why don't you go over to Eddie Haskell's; I'm sure you can find some trouble to get into over there. Wally: Gee, Mom... great idea. The doorbell rings on cue and Eddie Haskell enters. Eddie: Hello, Cleavers. My, Mrs. Cleaver, you look very nice today. June: Why, thank you, Eddie. You know how much I enjoy your compliments, even though they're blatant attempts to make us think you're a good little boy when you're really the biggest brat on television. Picard comes down the stairs in his pajamas. June: Ward, what are you doing out of bed? The doctor told you to get some rest. Picard: I'm waiting for Q to show up. He must be behind all of this. Beaver: Gee, Dad... who's Q? Picard: Q? Q! C'mon Q, you've had your fun... but the joke's over! Eddie: Hey, Wally... I think your old man's finally wigged out on us! Suddenly, Picard starts to feel very dizzy and passes out. The Bridge. Trapped in a parallel universe where he is Ward Cleaver, Capt. Picard has suddenly passed out. Meanwhile, back in the Enterprise in the real universe, we see that this is because Cmdr. Riker has ordered Worf to set up a force field to separate the captain from the beam that is keeping him there. Dr. Crusher: He's stopped breathing, Commander! Riker: Lower the force field! Worf complies, and the captain starts breathing again. Riker: Isn't there anything we can do? Geordi: Not really. If we break the beam, it'll kill the captain, and his contract won't allow that. All we can do is ride it out and let it run its course. The beam will probably shut itself down in about 15 minutes and the captain will wake up then. However, in his perception, anywhere from two weeks to forty years may have elapsed, so he might not remember any of us. Riker: Forty years?? Geordi: Yeah. The worst thing about these time distortions is that when he wakes up, they're going to owe him a mint in overtime! I hope none of us were counting on a Christmas bonus this year. Riker: So, what do you recommend we do? Geordi: There's really nothing we can do, except for divert the story back to the captain's alternate universe. Riker: Agreed. Make it so. Story line control, get us out of here... Good idea, Number One. We'll segue to the next scene with an extreme close-up of Capt. Picard's face. The Cleaver Residence Seven years later: It would be so easy to just put a Captain's Log here to bring the audience back up to speed, but Picard doesn't do Captain's Logs anymore. In fact, it's been so long since he's done one he doesn't remember how. You see, in the ten minutes or so the Captain has been sleeping on the job (yeah, we're going to dock him for that, but it's not even going to scratch the surface for the overtime we owe him in the other universe), seven years have passed in the other universe, and Picard has gotten so used to the life of Ward Cleaver that he's forgotten all about once being the Captain of the Starship Enterprise. He doesn't even tug at his shirt or say "make it so" anymore. It is an average day in the Cleaver household. June has been in the kitchen making dinner, Wally and the Beaver are up in their room, and Ward/Picard comes home from his non-descript job. He takes off his hat and sets down his briefcase and is met at the door by his loving wife June. Picard: Honey, I'm home. June: Hello, Ward. How was your day? Not missing a beat, Ward/Picard looks through the day's mail as he continues to talk to June. Ward/Picard: Oh, it was the usual. Where are the boys? June: They're up in their room. Wally's helping the Beaver with his science project. Dinner will be ready in a couple of minutes, why don't you go tell them to wash up and I'll set the table. Ward/Picard: Make it so, Number One. June: What did you say? Ward/Picard: Sorry, June, I meant I'll go up and get the boys for dinner. June looks concernedly at Ward/Picard as he goes up the stairs, wondering if he is having a relapse. For one brief moment, Picard had remembered the dream he once had of being the captain of the Starship Enterprise. ======================================================================== Matt Butts "I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one St. Louis Park, MN another, and I know there are people in the world who do not love their fellow human beings, matt@winternet.com and I *HATE* people like that!" (Tom Lehrer) ======================================================================== Path: tivoli.tivoli.com!geraldo.cc.utexas.edu!cs.utexas.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!jussieu.fr!univ-lyon1.fr!swidir.switch.ch!newsfeed.ACO.net!Austria.EU.net!EU.net!uunet!winternet.com!matt From: matt@winternet.com (Matt Butts) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: Inner Light parody (Part 3 of 4) Date: 2 Oct 1994 18:01:53 GMT Organization: StarNet Communications, Inc Lines: 204 Message-ID: <36msih$8tc@blackice.winternet.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: icicle.winternet.com X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] The Boys' Bedroom: Beaver is working on his science project. He is building a rocket ship, with a little help from Wally. Ward/Picard enters and observes what they're doing. Ward/Picard: Well, hello, boys. How goes the science project? Wally: Oh, it's going okay, Dad. I think it's going to turn out pretty good. Beaver: Pretty good? Golly, I'm gonna have the bestest project in the whole science fair! Ward/Picard: Well, your mother has dinner ready. Why don't you boys wash up and come down to eat? Wally: Okay, Dad. Ward/Picard stares intently at the Beaver's science project. There is something unusual about it, but he can't quite put his finger on it. It gives him a strange sense of deja vu. Downstairs, we hear the phone ring, but June answers it. She is standing at the foot of the stairs with the telephone when Ward/Picard comes down the stairs. June: It's for you, Ward. I think it's Fred Rutherford. Ward/Picard: Thanks, June. I've been waiting for him to call. Ward/Picard takes the telephone. Ward/Picard: Thanks for calling me back, Fred. You talked to your agent? What did he say? Then it's true. Thanks for finding out for me. You have a good night, too, Fred. Ward/Picard hangs up the phone, suddenly looking very worried. June: Is something wrong, dear? Ward/Picard: Yes, there is. I'd been hearing a nasty rumor going around the office, and I had Fred Rutherford check it out for me. Turns out it's true. We're being ... cancelled! June: Oh, Ward... are you sure? Ward/Picard: The word came down from the network this morning. We're not being renewed for next season. It seems the Beaver has grown up too much, and he's not the cute, precocious little tyke who was such a ratings-grabber when we first premiered. June: Oh, no! What will we do, Ward? Ward/Picard: I don't suppose there's much we can do. Well, we'll just have to be brave about it and finish the season out as best we can. {sigh} I feel like swearing right now, but this is still the '50s and you can't do that on television. June: Oh, Ward, this is terrible! Ward/Picard: I'm sure it'll be all right, June... maybe we'll get picked up in syndication. June: Should we tell Wally and the Beaver? Ward/Picard: I suppose we should... but I hate to break bad news to them when they're so excited about the cookout on Saturday. Ward/Picard: Well, if dinner's ready we should eat... and try and pretend that nothing's wrong. June: You're right, Ward... we have to be strong. After all, we're TV parents, we have to set a good example for the viewing audience. And so Wally and The Beaver come down and they all sit down to dinner, except Ward/Picard still has that concerned look on his face, and everyone else seems to pick up on the fact that he is disturbed by something, but nobody says a word. The Cleaver Residence Saturday afternoon: The Cleavers are having a cookout for all their friends, despite having just recently learned that there series is about to be cancelled. The first guests to arrive are the Petries, Rob and Laura. As they enter, Rob (of course) trips over the ottoman. June: Oh, I'm so glad you could make it. Laura Petrie: It was very kind of you to invite us, June. Here, I brought some Jell-O Salad. June: You shouldn't have. Wally, here, put this in the kitchen. Ward/Picard comes inside to help greet the visiting guests. Ward/Picard: Hello, Rob, Laura... glad you could make it. Rob Petrie (aside to Ward/Picard): I heard the news, Ward... I'm sorry to hear you've been cancelled. Ward/Picard: Well, I guess it had to happen sometime... The doorbell rings again, and June answers it. It is Steve Douglas and his three sons: Mike, Robbie and Chip. Steve Douglas: Hello, June... I hope we're not late. June: Why, no, Steve, you're just in time. Steve Douglas: Bub couldn't make it... but he sent along some Jell-O Salad. June: Well, wasn't that nice of him. Beaver, put this in the kitchen, please. Ward/Picard: Hi, Steve. How've ya been? Steve Douglas: Oh, fine. Say, Ward, I heard you're being cancelled. I'm sorry. Ward/Picard: Well... In the living room, Wally is talking with Mike, the oldest of Steve Douglas' three sons. Mike: Hey, Wally, I hear your show's being cancelled. Wally: Yeah... hey, don't say that too loud. Mom and Dad think we don't know about it, but Eddie Haskell told me two weeks ago. Mike: Hey, I know how ya feel... I just found out I'm being written out of the show and being replaced with that dweeb Ernie from down the street. The doorbell rings again. June: That must be the Ricardos... June opens the door. June: Ricky! Lucy! So glad you could come. Lucy Ricardo: Hi, June. Oh, I heard your show's being cancelled... waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! Ricky Ricardo: Oh, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy! Lucy Ricardo: Here, June, I brought you some Jell-O salad... waaaahhhhhhh! ======================================================================== Matt Butts "I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one St. Louis Park, MN another, and I know there are people in the world who do not love their fellow human beings, matt@winternet.com and I *HATE* people like that!" (Tom Lehrer) ======================================================================== Path: tivoli.tivoli.com!geraldo.cc.utexas.edu!cs.utexas.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!jussieu.fr!univ-lyon1.fr!swidir.switch.ch!newsfeed.ACO.net!Austria.EU.net!EU.net!uunet!winternet.com!matt From: matt@winternet.com (Matt Butts) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: Inner Light parody (Part 4 of 4) Date: 2 Oct 1994 18:02:42 GMT Organization: StarNet Communications, Inc Lines: 170 Message-ID: <36msk2$8tc@blackice.winternet.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: icicle.winternet.com X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] The Cleaver Cookout The guests continue to arrive, and believe me, this cookout is the social event of the year in TV-Land. Everyone's here... there's Jim Anderson and his family from "Father Knows Best," the Stone family from "The Donna Reed Show," Patty and her cousin Cathy from "The Patty Duke Show," the Baxters from "Hazel," Ozzie and Harriet Nelson and their sons Ricky and David, The Williams Family from "Make Room For Daddy," Andy Taylor, Aunt Bea, Opie... even The Addams Family! As gossip travels fast in TV land, they've all heard that the show's being cancelled and have come to offer their condolences. And they all brought Jell-O Salad. (The Brady Bunch and the Partridge Family didn't get invited, because they don't exist yet.) Mike and Wally are joined by Mike's brother Robby. Robby: Hey, Wally... sorry to hear you've been cancelled. Wally: Oh, well, it happens. Mike: Yeah, tell me about it. We haven't told Bub that they're writing him out too and replacing him with Uncle Charley. Wally: Hey, Robby, what's that stuff all over you? Robby: Oh, this? It's some new stuff called 'color.' They say in a couple of years, everybody will have it. Beaver: Golly, Wally... what happens when you get cancelled? Wally: I dunno, Beav. I guess it's kinda like ya cease to exist until someone decides to show us in old re-runs. Robby: Well, at least you've got the rest of the season... hey, looks like everybody's here. This is gonna be a pretty swell party. Wally: Yeah... if you like Jell-O Salad. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the living room, Ward/Picard is talking to Rob Petrie and Jim Anderson. Rob Petrie: Gee, Ward, TV-Land just isn't going to be the same without you. Ward/Picard: Well, it couldn't last forever. Maybe I'll get offered another series... Jim Anderson: Don't count on it... once you've been cast as a TV dad, you're typecast for life. Although actually, Ward, I was going to make you an offer on the house... I think it would be a good idea to buy your house and set up a doctor's office in it. Ward/Picard: What would your family do? Margaret Anderson: Actually, I'm thinking of divorcing Jim and marrying this Vulcan ambassador I've met. Bud Anderson: And I'm going to super-hero school in the fall. Ward/Picard: Well, I suppose I better get dinner started so we'll all stop making these obscure references that nobody reading this gets. June: Ward, before we eat, the Beaver wants to show everybody his science project. Ward/Picard: Why does he want to do that? June: You'll see.... The Cleaver Back Yard: The Beaver brings out the rocket ship he has built, and as he sets it up in the middle of the back yard, Ward/Picard stares at it intently. He has seen it somewhere before. The Beav lights the fuse and it takes off into space. Suddenly, Ward/Picard remembers where he has seen it before. Ward/Picard: It's the alien probe that brought me here! Wally: That's right, Dad. June: Yes. You see, we want to make sure someone remembers us. We know we're all going to be cancelled someday... Rob Petrie: We'll live on for a while in re-runs and syndication, but it won't last forever. Steve Douglas: Eventually made-for-syndication shows like "Star Trek: The Next Degeneration," "Deep Space Nine," and "Kung Fooey: The Legend Continues" will push us into late-late-late night time slots and cable channels that nobody ever watches. June: Even revivals of our own shows like "Leave It To Beaver: The Next Generation" won't be the same. So we wanted to make sure someone in the future would remember us. Wally: Yeah... that's why we brought you here, Dad. Suddenly Ward/Picard begins to feel dizzy and passes out. He wakes up back on the bridge of the Enterprise. Picard: My God! I'm back on the Enterprise! I'm me again! After seven years, I'm back! Riker: You weren't gone for seven years. You were only out for twenty minutes. And would you mind getting up? You were starting to get in the way. Later, Picard is in his ready room, contemplating what has happened. Riker enters. Picard: It's taking me a little time to get used to being me again after being Ward Cleaver for so long. Seven years... it seemed so real... but it was all a dream. Riker: Well, you're back with us now. As soon as the alien probe let go of you it powered down completely. We were able to bring it on board... we found this inside. He holds out a box which he sets down on the Captain's desk, then exits. Picard opens the box and removes its contents. It's a bowl of Jell-O salad. The End. ======================================================================== Matt Butts "I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one St. Louis Park, MN another, and I know there are people in the world who do not love their fellow human beings, matt@winternet.com and I *HATE* people like that!" (Tom Lehrer) ========================================================================